Choosing a partner over kids

[Lostinthesauce]

So I am going through a messy divorce at the moment. It's still not finalised as we're going through court. Before my divorce me and stbxh had been trying for a baby, as I wanted our child to have a sibling close in age and I've always wanted two kids.

Fast forward to today, I have a lovely partner who I have fallen for and I have never experienced love properly until I met him. I am 30 years old and my partner is 55. When we started dating I told him I wanted one more child and while in the relationship he told me that he was open to the idea. My divorce is dragging, he has reevaluated his life and he's now told me he feels too old for a child. I would not have started a relationship with him, if I had known this. I am now in love with someone who doesn't want the same things I do. I love him, but I feel our relationship now has an inevitable ending. I fear that I could end the relationship and not find someone as good as him and not have children at all. But on the other hand I could meet someone and have kids. I'm not getting any younger and I'm confused what to do. If I stay with him, I fear I could end up resenting him, but on the other hand the idea of losing him scares me.

I would like honest opinions please or some advice.

@eaglejulesk

How nasty and ageist. There are plenty of people who don't need 'taking care of' at 70 and even older. Typical MN ageism.

I totally agree. No-one needs to be 'taken care' of at 70 unless something untoward has happened, and that can happen at any age.

I personally would far rather keep a loving partner than ditch him just so I could have another child, but you need to decide what is right for you.

@eaglejulesk there's no guarantee I'll find a better partner or that someone will want to have children with me. I have difficulty in knowing that I could end the relationship over a what if situation. Thanks for the advice.

Op in my late 20s I fell for someone almost 50 and we got married. They too had promised they were open to children. But then when I was hooked they most definitely weren’t.
Anyway all the same we had happy years together but when he hit 60 I was a young 40ish and he was an old 60. We wanted different things from life and I ended up leaving him a couple of years later. Knowing what I know now there’s no way I would entertain such an age gap again. It was me who made all the compromises until finally I saw the light and left.

He is being honest and was allowed to change his mind on something so important.

I’d leave him and let him be free to find someone who wants him for just him rather than what he can provide.

It makes me sad when I read posts like this, I’d hope my children meet partners who love them and want to grow old together. Not view them in terms of what they can provide.

Whatever you decide OP I wish you luck. I realise it is a difficult decision to make and there is no way to know which is the best option.

You’re 30. Cut your kisses now before you’re 35 and having to start all over again with 5 fewer years.

At 30 you’ve got a good decent decade to have a very good chance at a family. Plenty of fish in the sea, go fishing!!

I would love to be 30 and thinking that I'm not getting any younger 😆 I would go back to 30 in a heartbeat and not of lived the last 8/9 years that I did, but anyway that's another story.
I had my DC at 37, you've got a good number of years still ahead of you to have a baby if that's what you really want. I guess my thinking would be what if I didn't meet someone, I guess it depends on lots of things who we are as individuals etc and personal circumstances as to how quickly you can meet and get together with someone quite quickly, to then go on to have a baby.
But I think unless you can see yourself without a child, then this relationship will have to be brought to an end.

There's a very successful relationship in my family where the age gap is 30 years. They are married with three children, and the father was late fifties when the eldest child was born. My niece said that in an ideal world, the gap wouldn't have been as large, but that it's quality of time over quantity (her own father died in his fifties which is possibly part of it too). My father died at 93 but was a very remote man who wasn't involved with any of his children, and I have one DD whose father (a year older than me) has had zero contact since she was six (she is 23). My ramblings are supposed to say that age is one factor in decision making but not necessarily indicative of a positive outcome.

It's good that he has been honest - thought that he was open to having a child but now realises that he is not - but does place you in a very difficult position. As you say, you feel deep love for the first time - would he be opposed to you having a child that wasn't his? Probably, but if the relationship fizzles out anyway, you would be left feeling very resentful.

He's 55 - of course he feels too old to have another child!

'I am 30 years old and my partner is 55*

For God's sake! 25 years?? I feel sorry for you that you're in love with someone this much older than you, but think about this. In only 15 years' time, he'll be 70. Do you really want to be with a 70 year old when you're only 45? He must think he's won the jackpot with you. A lover and a future youthful nurse/carer in one.

I think you should stick to finding someone closer to your own age who wants a baby.

Would you rather regret not having a child or regret breaking up with this man?

That's the decision I think.

I personally think the timing of you getting together along with the age gap is a little bit of a worry as there's a sense he 'rescued' you that means your judgement about him being someone to stay with for the rest of your life is a bit clouded.

I think you said it best yourself:

"I am now in love with someone who doesn't want the same things I do. I love him, but I feel our relationship now has an inevitable ending."

It's sad it's over but I think it's for the best. You're so young and you know what you want - it isn't compatible with being with him

OP it sounds like you are really under valuing yourself here. This man has likely deceived you at a time you're vulnerable re having another child and now he's hooked himself a pretty young woman and future carer, should he need one. You deserve much much better and there are LOADS of men in their 30's and 40's who are willing to have a baby.

Please don't sell yourself short, this man does sound like he's taking advantage.

You must finish it ASAP and look for a man who does want a child.

If you are 30 and he is 55 he's old enough to be your Dad never mind father your children
Nobody I know in their 50's would consider this

I think 55 is too old he'll be 73 when they are 18 - if you had a child now that is and didn't wait

If it's not what he wants and you are desperate for a child it isn't going to work so you either stay and don't have a child with him or leave him and meet someone else on the same page. It depends what more important to you I guess.

I think he's being very sensible but I'm sorry you have this upset on top of your divorce

He made the right decision and even if he hadn’t of changed his mind, being a pensioner with a child in primary school was going to be problematic.

I am reading that in your heart of hearts you don’t want to end the relationship, the issue of him now not wanting children is causing disharmony and confusion. Only you can make the decision as to what to do, everyone here has their suggestions and advice but what is so special about this man? What can keep you together for the next few years? What is it about him that you love?

My two youngest children were born when I was 40 and 41 so there is still plenty of time ahead of you.

I would talk to him about how much you love him but that his decision to not have children has unsettled you and caused some confusion. It feels as though you could both work towards an ending over the next few years...? How would you both feel about that? Would couples Counselling be useful?

Sending best wishes, life is tough sometimes 🌺

I think you need to finish it OP. It's sad but I think you will resent him later if you give up your chance to have another baby with someone else. Also, if I was you I would be really angry with him for misleading you. He may be apologetic now, but surely he knew deep down that he didn't really want a baby?

This age gap is the same as the one between me and my first husband. When we married I was 28. Neither of us wanted children, we didn’t think it’d be fair on the child, a 70 year old father for a 14 year old teen is just not on.. I’ve stayed family with him, he’s a wonderful man, but that gap grows bigger and bigger as you get older.

I had an older Dad.

We got on well but I was worried about him from an early age. When I was a teenager his school friends started dropping like flies from heart attacks from 65ish onwards. His health started to get a bit dodgy. First it was prostate, then cardiac, this this that and the other. The last 10 years of his life the burden was immense.

That said, my DH was an older Dad too. But only in his 40s. But our son is on the ASD spectrum and there is a link to older paternal age and you do wonder if it was a factor. It's been quite challenging and I'm glad DH is still in his forties put it that way. If he was hitting 60 I'm not sure how he'd have coped.

How nasty and ageist. There are plenty of people who don't need 'taking care of' at 70 and even older. Typical MN ageism

And there are plenty of 70 year olds that do.

The body and the mind degenerate with age, its a fact of life and not agist to point out that a 70 year old is vastly more likely to need 'caring for' than a 45 year old.

If your partner is 25 years older than you you'd have to be hugely naiive to believe you won't, at some point have to care for them. As the far younger and likely more active person, it's inevitable at some point, to varying degrees.

Once I thought I'd never found love until I met a man, I'll call him D.

But D didn't want children. I thought he'd have made a wonderful dad, but he didn't budge.

When I told him it was non-negotiable for me and that I had to leave him over it, he told me that he hoped I'd look in my children's eyes someday and remember that I once said I'd love them more than I loved him.

Once in a very great while, when looking into my children's eyes, I remember his seething anger as he said that, and I think of how much more I love my children than I ever loved D, and how glad I am that I made the right choice.

Definitely end it as you have more than enough time to meet someone new and also have the family you choose. He's not going to change his mind; he probably hoped you would. Focusing on the fact that he misled you over such an important issue may help with the initial pain of moving on

@WombOfOnesOwn Of course you love your children more than him? Good god, what the hell did he expect? Idiot

I think it was a little naive of you to enter into a relationship with a 5 year old and expect to start a family with him, despite what he may have said. Just because you can physically father a child at 55/65/75, doesn't mean you should. Mother nature intervened to make it more difficult for women to have children past a certain age but sadly did no such thing for men.

I think it's unfair that he led you to believe otherwise but he is making the right decision about not having a baby with you.

You are 30 - you can find someone who wants the same as you and is young enough to share it with you.

*55 year old!