Is it normal to not get help with the kids.

[lovethyself1991]

Hi everyone.

I come from a culture where women tend to do the majority of house chores and childcare. Sorry, I meant All!!!

Growing up it wasn't unusual to see my mother cook, clean and serve my dad.
Fast forward to my current relationship, my partner comes from the same background so he's use to his mother doing everything.
I honestly cannot mentally cope with looking after a toddler and a baby whilst making sure the house is clean and foods ready every night all by myself.

So my question is do you guys expect your partners to wake up early on weekends to help with the kids, or can they have a lay in due to being at work during the week?
Is it unreasonable for me to expect him to be up early and help sort out the kids.
Every weekend we argue about this, which often causes me to leave the house then he's forced to look after them all day.

I'm I wrong for this?

It's not help, it's being a Co parent

He is your partner - so he should be doing his share by doing chores and parenting

My DH is still in bed. Hes out the door for work at 6.30am everyday so he deserves a lie in.

There's never a better time to break tradition than in your own generation.

I'm not sure what culture you're from but I'm from a Asian background, we have 3 children, my husband and I share all household tasks and co parent the children.

I may do more cooking during the week as he's at work but apart from that we do share most tasks.

Speak to him and tell him to pull his finger out and help!!

It’s a cultural and a generational issue. I would absolutely expect my adult children’s spouses to play a full part in family life at the weekends including making sure there is equality of lie-ins.

Well done leaving the house so he has to look after them

It’s not “help”, you’re equal parents.

DH and I do 50/50. I’m on maternity leave atm and EBF and he still does 50/50 including night wakings (I feed, he takes baby away when they’re done so I carry on sleeping) because that’s what being a parent is.

We take it in turns, we’ve got young children who dont sleep through the night and we both work full time in tough jobs. At the weekend one of us gets to sleep in sat and the other Sunday. By sleep in it’s only until about 8-9am, but this is better than 5am 🤣🤣
I do the lions share of things around the house, cooking cleaning, washing etc. To be fair I do everything and he washes up 🙈 but if I waited around for him to do it we’d be here all day.
Children wise we coparent and share the bits between us

Of course I expected my XH to help. Unfortunately he was from a culture similar to yours in that way and despite believing he pulled his weight he definitely didn't and anything he did was done resentfully and half assed.
It's very difficult to change a person's ingrained beliefs and that's if they want to in the first place.

@Boho7

My DH is still in bed. Hes out the door for work at 6.30am everyday so he deserves a lie in.

And when is your lie in?

@emilyfrost tomorrow, he has sat I have sunday x

I’m Chinese for reference. My DH takes the kids out on his own, to kids psplit 50/50 on annual leave for children illnesses and

The thing is he leaves for work at 8am and comes back around 5. I'm a sahm so I do everything while he's at work, which is expected.

However, when he comes back from work during the week he stays until 8pm then leaves everyday and comes back around 11/12. I don't feel supported and have spoken to him about this numerous times, he still hasn't changed.

I feel overwhelmed because my kids are quite young. He's argument is that he goes to work so he deserves to sleep in on weekends. I'm sick and tired!!

@lovethyself1991

The thing is he leaves for work at 8am and comes back around 5. I'm a sahm so I do everything while he's at work, which is expected.

However, when he comes back from work during the week he stays until 8pm then leaves everyday and comes back around 11/12. I don't feel supported and have spoken to him about this numerous times, he still hasn't changed.

I feel overwhelmed because my kids are quite young. He's argument is that he goes to work so he deserves to sleep in on weekends. I'm sick and tired!!

Yeah, I don't think this is cultural, I think this is lazy disengaged assholeral.

Category12

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks this.
I honestly am made to feel that I expect too much. I don't think I'm asking for a lot.

I make excuses to leave in the morning because it irritates me seeing him sleeping in till 11/12

"His argument is that he goes to work so he deserves to sleep in on weekends".

Ah diddums. And what about your weekends?. He is both a lazy and disengaged parent and that is not necessarily or solely a cultural issue either. What is the point of him at all?. What are you getting out of this relationship with him?.

Okay, I’m going to reply really honestly here.

On MN, it’s definitely a given that men do at least 50/50.

In the real world I have to admit I don’t see this as much. My OH definitely doesn’t. I think I probably do 90% of childcare and 80 of housework.

But OH earns the money that pays the mortgage ... he also does a lot of DIY type stuff which has saved a fortune. So swings and roundabouts.

I just expect nothing and then if he does take ds for a bit it’s a bonus.

Where does he leave to go to Op in the evenings?

@daffodilsandprimroses

Okay, I’m going to reply really honestly here.

On MN, it’s definitely a given that men do at least 50/50.

In the real world I have to admit I don’t see this as much. My OH definitely doesn’t. I think I probably do 90% of childcare and 80 of housework.

But OH earns the money that pays the mortgage ... he also does a lot of DIY type stuff which has saved a fortune. So swings and roundabouts.

I just expect nothing and then if he does take ds for a bit it’s a bonus.

Why set yourself such a low bar? Why accept that?

He’s getting away with it because you let him. You are allowing your partner to neglect your kids; they need their father to care for them equally.

Honestly the amount of my friends who say things like this posses me off.
Sorry but there's no excuse. I have a friend who says she can only cook one type of cuisine because her dh doesn't like anything else but what about her and her dcs wants? I cook all sorts and it's up to dh if he eats it, if not then he can cook himself something which he does sometimes.
I also don't iron his clothes as he's perfectly capable of doing it himself. He's never grumbled about it as he knows he's a fully gown adult who can do things for himself and also he knows I don't feel guilty about jt .

This has been traditional in most families until the last couple of generations. I think you should agree a lie in each over the weekend and share the childcare and jobs. It is sad that men want to opt out of family life and don't care how this causes resentment and relationship issues. Hope you can get this sorted otherwise weigh up if he contributes at all to your happiness and make a decision if this is what you want out of life .

Because otherwise I would feel resentful which obviously isn’t a nice way to be feeling. I just focus on what he does do which to be fair isn’t insignificant. And also to be fair I’m pretty sure he would help if I asked but I don’t really like asking - it would be better if he just DID! Anyway I think mines just a bit thoughtless sometimes - OPs sounds rather unpleasant. Sorry OP I totally missed your second post - mine wasn’t particularly helpful.

Lockdownlifting

With friends, it's a habit that he's had since we meet.

daffodilsandprimroses, that is such a sad despairing post: “I just expect nothing..”
Why do you have such low expectations? Why are you letting your lazy selfish partner get away with it? Is this really what you wanted and dreamed of when you married him?

Sorry OP - I’ve really not helped here

What I mean when I say I expect nothing is that it is easier for my own personal state of mind to treat ds as solely my responsibility and then anything I do get is a bonus.