Is it normal to not get help with the kids.

[lovethyself1991]

Hi everyone.

I come from a culture where women tend to do the majority of house chores and childcare. Sorry, I meant All!!!

Growing up it wasn't unusual to see my mother cook, clean and serve my dad.
Fast forward to my current relationship, my partner comes from the same background so he's use to his mother doing everything.
I honestly cannot mentally cope with looking after a toddler and a baby whilst making sure the house is clean and foods ready every night all by myself.

So my question is do you guys expect your partners to wake up early on weekends to help with the kids, or can they have a lay in due to being at work during the week?
Is it unreasonable for me to expect him to be up early and help sort out the kids.
Every weekend we argue about this, which often causes me to leave the house then he's forced to look after them all day.

I'm I wrong for this?

Same as you op. Been the same was for21 years. I do all the work and he gets all the credit. Your dh will not change its just how he is and brought up to be. My stbex hasn't changed and he ignores me everytime I tried to say anything about it. After 21 years no thanks or knowledge for what I've done its sooooooooo frustrating. I've asked and been nice and I've said I believe everything to no help. I need some life myself now after bringing up 4dcs on my own or that's how it genuinely feels.

So he works a standard 5 days a week.

You should look after the children/do the housework as much as is possible during that time. That is your role in the arrangement.

At the weekend though it should be 50/50. Why does he get a rest and you don’t?

Sorry OP. You keep talking about "cultural" and "habit".

No, he's just a lazy selfish arse who thinks it's beneath him to parent his own children, under the guise of he earns the money, like that gives him a free pass.

It doesn't.

Oh Op it shouldn’t be like this, I feel in these situations sometimes women are better off on their own. As at least then you’d get time to yourself whilst he had his kids.... are they home with you during the day or at nursey / school?

Where is he going every evening from 8 till 11 or 12?

I think I must still be really old fashioned, I do get my lie in on a sunday(most of the time) but that's it, i do 100% house and 90%childcare.. but I'm a sahm and bring nothing to the table financially. DH works 12hrs a day 5 days a week so I feel he deserves a meal and clean clothes at the end of the day.

@lovethyself1991

The thing is he leaves for work at 8am and comes back around 5. I'm a sahm so I do everything while he's at work, which is expected.

However, when he comes back from work during the week he stays until 8pm then leaves everyday and comes back around 11/12. I don't feel supported and have spoken to him about this numerous times, he still hasn't changed.

I feel overwhelmed because my kids are quite young. He's argument is that he goes to work so he deserves to sleep in on weekends. I'm sick and tired!!

He's argument is that he goes to work so he deserves to sleep in on weekends. I'm sick and tired

Says it all really. He doesn't value what you do nor considers it 'real' work.

This was my ex husband!!!! We had only once child but I was doing everything... in the end I went to work and he was still being lazy. I cooked, cleaned, did all childcare and worked. I got fed up and left him! So much happier now because he needed to step up in childcare - not living in same house as me and DS. I finally have my free every other weekend! So much happier

Cultural differences are an excuse.

You're not wrong.
When my child was little, he used to work f. T then go fishing overnight at the weekend. I'm still resentful to be honest. We're still together 14 years on..... After 6 months of lake closures guess where he is? Night fishing.
I can't afford to leave and I'm not taking my daughter to live in a shit hole in an unsafe area. So I'm stuck and just waiting to die really.
Look, they don't change so you change or leave if you can or end up bitter and angry like me.

And to answer your actual question, NO, it's not normal. Not by a long shot.

Why does he get to not change his habits (sleeping in, meeting friends etc) and you have to make all the changes for your child? My dh had said that he is really looking to do 50:50.when the baby came he didn't really. But I didn't let it go and found a way to make it work for us eg I get all the lie ins but do all the night wakings (works better). We make sure both of us have time to ourselves eg doing hobbies at the weekend when both around. Will admit that lock down, him being on furlough and having to take on so much more childcare has helped quite a bit. Also pregnant again now and am suffering with nausea and sickness so he's doing much more than me. What I'm trying to say is that it had to be shared care (he's NOT helping you... It's his responsibility too)... But does not need to mean 50:50 for each item eg 1 lie in each, but what works for you.

Have you thought about working?

How “safe” are you financially - does your DH save for a private pension for you as you are the SAHP?

When does your SAHP role finish - when the DC are at school nursery / primary school / secondary school?

What lessons do you want them to learn from their home dynamic?

My DH has always pulled his weight with the house and kids. I have recently been sick and all week he has literally worked full time from home, cooked all meals and generally ran around after me making sure I was OK. He was brilliant and getting up with the kids when they were young. However he travelled a lot for his job for weeks at a time and then everything fell to me and he really appreciated that.
I just don’t understand why women put up with this. We seem to have regressed as society, my Dad was very hands on during the 70s and 80s and my brother is a very hands on too and does most of the cooking in his house.
Time for major changes!

Are you married OP? If not, you're in a precarious financial position.

He’s not going to change
He’s not on your team
Think about whether you really want to stay

@Boho7

My DH is still in bed. Hes out the door for work at 6.30am everyday so he deserves a lie in.

Do you have young babies who wake early and if so when is your lie in

I’m curious because my husband often said he deserves a lie in as he gets up early for work yet when our kids were young I was often up at the same time as him every day and never got a lie in
Then later when our forth was born I was leaving for paid work 2 hours before him and he still expected me to get up during the night for feeds
Seems the attitude that men deserve rest after a week time job doesn’t take into acccount the fact that paid employment is often easier and less draining than raising babies and running a house with no knock off time

So he socialises with friends every evening til 11 /12??
Fuck that.

@Washingtofold they are 4 and 5 now but I'm usually up the Same time as DH so about 6am.. I get a lie in most Sundays. He has a very physically demanding job from heights and I'd feel awful if he had an accident due to be tired from having to get up early with kids because hes expected to do 50/50 child care on top of his job 🤷🏼‍♀️
I couldnt do his job and hes admitted he couldnt do what I do all day. If I ask for his help of course he will help me but I dont expect it. Hes no less of a dad because he doesnt cook or do dishes. But like I said were quite old fashioned and I understand it's not how most people live anymore, but it works for us and were happy.

It doesn't try matter if it's normal, you'd still be pissed off.

I'm guessing he wouldn't agree to one of you lying in on a Saturday and the other a Sunday?

I wouldn't be able to cope with a partner who prioritised his friends over his family.

Parents don't get to sleep in till 11/12 unless they work unusual hours. Sleeping so late is what teenagers do.

Tommyoneandonly

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
It's really sad to hear you say you're just waiting to die. That's a horrible way to live.
I think life is beautiful and short.
Everyone deserves that chance to live a happy life and make the most of what they have. I hope you find the happiness you deserve it's never too late.
I'm looking for a way out, there's no way my life will end with him.

Ahnowted

I 100% agree.

We take it in turns for a lie in at the weekend and whoever doesnt do the morning then does bath time and bedtime. During the week DH does bath and bedtime whilst I sort dinner out as I do all the care through the day and it's his time with our DD. I dont see it as him helping, it's his child and hes equally responsible for looking after her. However I come from a culture where this wasnt the case, and have grown up with the men and women sitting separately at events etc and really didnt want to replicate the feelings of subservience to my own DD, luckily my husband is from a different culture and he honestly finds some of the more traditional cultural stuff mind boggling so that was fairly easy and didnt require any push back.

Lockdownlifting

I definitely agree.
I'm planning on leaving and doing it alone seeing as I already am.
Kids are at home with me all day, having two kids in nappies and a 2 year old toddler that has extreme tantrums can take a huge emotional toll on you.
I wish I had a supportive partner.
If he was there for me emotionally I probably would cope much better.