Is it normal to not get help with the kids.

[lovethyself1991]

Hi everyone.

I come from a culture where women tend to do the majority of house chores and childcare. Sorry, I meant All!!!

Growing up it wasn't unusual to see my mother cook, clean and serve my dad.
Fast forward to my current relationship, my partner comes from the same background so he's use to his mother doing everything.
I honestly cannot mentally cope with looking after a toddler and a baby whilst making sure the house is clean and foods ready every night all by myself.

So my question is do you guys expect your partners to wake up early on weekends to help with the kids, or can they have a lay in due to being at work during the week?
Is it unreasonable for me to expect him to be up early and help sort out the kids.
Every weekend we argue about this, which often causes me to leave the house then he's forced to look after them all day.

I'm I wrong for this?

Pitterpatterrain

He doesn't save money.
I honestly don't know what he does with his money.

No this isn’t normal, I agree in some cultures it’s expected but there are changes and lots of cultural expectations are changing. Lie ins we got one each at weekend, regardless of who was working what. Free time is equal so if DH has an evening I got an evening. When I was at home during the week I did the housework/washing but sometimes he would have to cook the evening meal if it had been a difficult day. Or he’d play with the kids whilst I cooked. Bathtime/bedtime was his job. Weekends everything shared.

It's Co patenting not helping.

Unfortunately op with your cultural background it sounds like it's what he feels entitled to do. You can talk to him but I think your inclination that he won't change is spot on and you're probably better off leaving.

I think it's hard when one person is sahp as the working out of the home parent often seems to think they shouldn't do anything. But if you think about it in terms of hours worked an hours free or to yourself it should be even. So if for example he worked 40 hours a week put if the home but you do 7 am to 8pm 7 days a week child and house care that's not even.

Just as word of advice, not to shit on you op because it shouldn't be expected the woman does it all. This is exactly why prior to conception or even ttc this needs to be a conversation all couples have around expectations.

It's interesting to read the different perspectives.
I think if a man is the sole provider and works extremely hard to finically provide for his family, women tend to be more understanding and accept their role in terms of chores and the children.

I think for me at this point it's way past resentment, my mental health is at stake.

@Eyevorbig0ne as your daughter is growing up can you start planning your escape and maybe building a little escape fund for when the time is right . You deserve some happiness x

@lovethyself1991 are you Indian?

I am, and every Indian man I ever saw did sod all in terms of childcare and cleaning the house - it's literally the reason I didn't marry one and I don't know how my mother, grandmother and aunts tolerated had arranged marriages and tolerated this behaviour.

Just because your husband works does mean he gets all the perks. When does he give you your lie in? And cook for you? And give you a day off? Do you get to take a day of annual leave off from looking after the kids?

Also, he's working with adults - not trying to get a baby and toddler to behave and meet their unrelenting needs.

He needs to be shamed and made to realise this is not what a healthy relationship looks like - he is taking you for granted and being an awful role model to his children.

Unfortunately, I don't think he will change overnight. Esp. If he was like this before kids. But I hope for you he does.

I don’t get why you opted to be a SAHM if you didn’t a more equal relationship than your parents had.

It’s not equal if you don’t share the financial burden and him the parenting and household tasks.

my ddad (DofE generation)use to help & he worked five long days & Saturdays
he ironed his shirts cleaned everybody's' shoes & brought home fish & chips on Friday, cooked Saturday tea so when we came in from shopping dm could put her feet up, he made Sunday cooked breakfast & tea. He also made our sandwiches for school & took us out for walks at the weekend (to give dm rest) my parents had shared bank accounts which dm had total access & control of & forgot! helped us with our homework!
DH is Asian he cooks does/did do shopping shared nights with our nonsleepers & many other things round house when dc where small
I always find it difficult to understand why so many men don't help? I always was brought up by parents who considered themselves equal partners

Dad, by the way, was a very intelligent self educated & qualified engineer
Point I am making is this attitude doesn't have to be cultural or generational, its just plain selfishness - no wonder so many marriages break up

I sometimes think 'cultural differences' is used as an excuse. My dad was Greek, and did NOTHING around the house (he was also abusive), and thought all housework was women's work (he also didn't work much outside the home either). My mum initially explained his behaviour as 'cultural.' Growing up I thought all Greek men must be like that (mum was white English and said the men in her extended family did help around the house).

It was only as an adult when a new friend with Greek parents said her dad did everything her mum did, that I started to revise my thinking.

Tbh I've often wanted to start a thread about 'cultural differences' to housework and child-rearing, but I imagine it's got the potential to be offensive, so i haven't.

He is your partner not your child. On days when he’s not working, he should do 50% of childcare & chores.

In our house childcare & chores are split 50/50 during the weekend. During the week I do slightly more as I work less hours than DH. But he still contributes.

The thing is he leaves for work at 8am and comes back around 5 is easy. Most people I know leave 6.30/7 and aren’t home until 7/8pm!

I’d expect him to joint parent at the weekend and around work. I’d not be happy if I had to start on the house on days off when another adult had been home all week as would expect the bulk done. Different when you live alone as you aren’t financing someone else.

You work too, albeit within the home looking after the kids and home which IMO is one of the hardest, most rewarding and often boring (housework) jobs in the World.
When do you deserve to have a lie-in!?

My DP is the higher earner and a multiple business owner. I work school hours in a highly pressured role (sometimes working outside of my contracted hours), do most school runs and practically all of the housework and the big food shops. I’m currently still WFH due to lockdown. As the main carer, all of my Annual Leave is used during the school holidays. Outside garden/shed/garage jobs are DP’s domain. I tend to put the bins out, as I’m the parent who’s always at home when they need to be put out. The Gardener maintains the garden as we are too busy and both suffer from Hayfever. DP cooks occasionally and cooked loads trying out new recipes during lockdown 1 & 2 (He’s unfortunately back at the office most days now). DP located his office so he could do AM school runs and has done most AM school runs for the majority of the last six years, even when I was on Mat Leave. When I returned to work after my last bout of Mat Leave, DP continued to do AM school run & I did AM nursery school run. DP has always tried to make himself free to collect DC from school/nursery, so I can go for after-work drinks with colleagues 1-2 times a month (more often during warmer weather). Ditto re. the occasional weekend meet-up with my friends without the kids. All before Covid, of course.

DP is willingly available for DC’s hospital appointments unless it’s one of the rare occasions where DP’s abroad on business for 1-2 days max and we’re unable to re-schedule the appointment.
We could do with a Cleaner to ease the load but a good Cleaner is hard to find, so we muddle along in that area and clean up as we go along. Both Primary school aged DC have age-appropriate chores and adult DC also mucks in. We would struggle without our Dyson Robot vacuum cleaner in addition to the hand-held version for quick clean ups.

My DP and one of our three DC are early birds, so I’m the one who lies-in on the weekend.

I would rather be alone than stay in a relationship and feel as though I’m single.
I would also resent single-handedly running around cleaning up after adults without any help or appreciation.

Hmmm. How much visibility do you have into the household finances? Do you have sufficient money to enable the DC’s needs to be met? Do you see a future of financial stability?

The picture you describe isn’t a pretty one.

Perhaps ponder over the reverse - if you were the main household earner and your DH was the SAHP (like my DSis) how would you approach things?

My partner and I are equals.

That means we both parent, we both do the housework, we both work etc.

Otherwise its not a partnership and I couldn't be a in a relationship that was anything less.