Does he not want to meet me?

melononapear · 2021-04-09T22:10:37+00:00

Been talking to a guy I met through OLD for about 6 weeks now. I have suggested meeting up already (at around the 2 week mark) but at the time he said no as he felt it was too soon. Fair enough. I didn't bring it up again as I thought I'd wait until he felt enough time has passed. He implied that we would meet soon after he went back to work and said he would let me know when he had a day off but we are now three weeks on from that and still no attempt at making a plan to meet! I'm getting a bit frustrated because I feel like he is either not that bothered about meeting me or actively avoiding it. I've grown to really like him and the more time goes on it feels a bit weird that I haven't met him yet. It also makes me wonder if he is a catfish or has no intention of ever meeting me 😞 I know 6 weeks isn't a huge amount of time and it did occur to me that maybe he was wanting to wait until restrictions lift a bit more but I just don't want to pin my hopes on someone who I still don't know if I actually have any real life chemistry with! I appreciate I may be overthinking things but I don't know whether to leave it or keep trying?

confused1974 · 09/04/2021 23:17

Bin him. Two weeks is max for meeting and I actually want them to suggest and be keen. Yep block and delete, no explanation needed

DarkCloud999 · 09/04/2021 23:19

He's probably married or a catfish. 6 weeks is WAAAAY too long, I try and meet someone within the first week or two, no longer than that. He's all talk and probably just using you for an ego boost...you can find someone else who would actually want to meet you!

expectopelargonium · 09/04/2021 23:20

Have you seen only his photos and then been messaging one another, or have you seen him 'live' via facetime etc?

Mermaidwaves · 09/04/2021 23:29

I had this last year, good online chemistry, we chatted for two months but there was always a reason he couldn't meet me despite him saying how he was keen, couldn't wait. We never met in the end it fizzled out. I think some of these guys online never intend to meet, they just want a penfriend or an ego boost.

Fireflygal · 09/04/2021 23:31

You have a penpal not a potential boyfriend.

He is either not who he pretends to be or married. Definitely video date if distance is an issue.

carrieeee · 09/04/2021 23:32

You've said he wanted to wait til he want back to work? Perhaps he hasn't been paid yet and doesn't want to take you out until he can afford to, but to embarrassed to say?

Original poster

melononapear · 09/04/2021 23:35

I have only seen photos so far although I have seen extra ones that are not on his dating profile. We haven't FaceTimed although I wouldn't do that because I hate it and hate feeling like I'm talking to a screen 😂 We've tried to call a few times but ended up missing each other 😞

He's said he is keen to meet but if so why hasn't he made any effort to do so?!

If he is just dicking me around how do I find out?! I don't feel like accusing him of being a catfish will go down well! Is there a nice way to say 'Sorry, but if you don't want to meet me then I need to give up and find someone who does?'.

OP posts:

Original poster

melononapear · 09/04/2021 23:37

@carrieeee it's possible. Tbh I have no money at the moment so I'd be happy with just a walk and a coffee somewhere, I don't need anything fancy! I just want to know if it's worth investing any more time and energy in and I can't know that until I meet him in person.

OP posts:

MrsMaizel · 09/04/2021 23:46

It's 6 weeks . It's going no where !

pog100 · 09/04/2021 23:47

@melononapear

I have only seen photos so far although I have seen extra ones that are not on his dating profile. We haven't FaceTimed although I wouldn't do that because I hate it and hate feeling like I'm talking to a screen 😂 We've tried to call a few times but ended up missing each other 😞

He's said he is keen to meet but if so why hasn't he made any effort to do so?!

If he is just dicking me around how do I find out?! I don't feel like accusing him of being a catfish will go down well! Is there a nice way to say 'Sorry, but if you don't want to meet me then I need to give up and find someone who does?'.

That is a nice way. Just do it.

WatieKatie · 10/04/2021 00:43

Agree with PP, two weeks max and if no meet arranged move on.

You read it time and time again on the OLD threads of guys who just don’t want to meet up. I experienced it myself however I had the two week rule in place. Unfortunately there are a lot of time wasters.

Sandra15 · 10/04/2021 01:07

FWIW here is my experience. This wasn't OLD but it began with a conversation about my work and research where the man continued to talk to me afterwards and told me eventually he had feelings for me. He shared photos and videos from work, gave me the website of his work (all genuine) and the place he was living in whilst working away. He sent playlists and told me he couldn't stop thinking of me, things along those lines. We agreed to meet up for a drink when I was in the city he was working in where I also go for work. This chat went on for over six months. He wouldn't talk on the phone. I sent him a voicemail once and he sent one back. That was the sum total of hearing his voice. When I got to his place on the date we'd agreed to meet, a man came to the door. He said he had no idea who the person was that I asked for, and that he himself lived there. The guy refused to answer the phone. I sent him a message asking what had happened. It went unread. He had forgotten that he had sent pictures of himself at a barbecue with a mate some months earlier and this mate was the one who came to the door. Massive schoolboy error.

I agree with @WatieKatie, they are timewasters. But what I don't get is they are wasting their own time as well, and why would they do that? This guy has a high-level job managing people and contracts. It's juvenile and pathetic, so why do they bother?

OliveToboogie · 10/04/2021 01:21

Definitely call a halt to this charade. Tell him you want to meet up. If he hums and makes excuses, Block and move on. He is married or has a gf and is on OLD because he is bored or looking for an ego boost.

easterdaffsx · 10/04/2021 01:23

I talked to now dp for around 8 weeks before we met !
We were both hugely busy at work and tbh I wasnt really that keen but he was great to talk to.
Eventually met for a drink and then not a day passed when we didn't talk .
Now 4 years on we have moved in together .

Regularsizedrudy · 10/04/2021 01:25

Married or catfish. Bin him. The whole point of OLD is to meet up. You can like someone online but you need to meet ASAP to see if it works in real life.

jessstan2 · 10/04/2021 01:55

It sounds like he doesn't want to meet up. It may suit him to have a telephone only relationship, maybe he has other commitments that you don't know about.

Why worry? It's not as if you really know the guy, he is just intriguing from a distance. If you did meet it might be disappointing.

There will be others who do want to see you in real life..

Sandra15 · 10/04/2021 02:22

It sounds like he doesn't want to meet up. It may suit him to have a telephone only relationship, maybe he has other commitments that you don't know about.

But why waste time with this? I wish someone would help me understand this. I use the phone, messaging and SM largely to keep in touch with people I already know in real life (excepting work, of course). It would be pointless to me to have a 'relationship' in this way and I just do not understand what people get out of it.

I'd love someone to fill me in on that because I see it as a massive waste of time.

jessstan2 · 10/04/2021 03:25

I don't understand it either, Sandra.

I have, however, known people who get a kick out of a secret liaison which is really nothing if two people never meet. There's something 'naughty' about it and it's private. Personally I find things like that rather creepy but on the whole I am content with my life; my outlet is something artistic or immersing myself in a novel or TV drama. That's not so easy for those who are lonely or trapped in an unsatisfactory lifestyle, both of which have been exacerbated by lockdowns.

Lampan · 10/04/2021 07:00

I agree with everyone else, he’s clearly not intending to actually meet up. Remember that you don’t actually know him at all, especially if you haven’t video called. He might not even be who he says he is. The trying to call but missing each other is suspicious too, he might have been avoiding picking up, if you were keen to chat with someone and missed their call you’d arrange a time to call.
I noticed your message seems to come across like you only asked him once to meet and haven’t asked since? Why not ask again? Just as long as you don’t allow yourself to be fobbed off again.

I couldn’t be bothered though. 6 weeks is far too much time to waste. Just send him a message saying something like “I joined here cos I’d like to go on some dates, since we can’t seem to arrange anything face to face I’m going to look for someone to meet in real life. Best of luck”

Fireflygal · 10/04/2021 07:01

Even if he is real (bet he isn't who he says he is!) you are giving him all the power. You are passively waiting for him to decide when to meet you, if at all.I assume you are talking about your life, giving him details of what you do when you have no idea who is at the end of the messages. Don't be so trusting as he is a complete stranger on the Internet. A decent person would understand your concerns and someone wanting a relationship wants to meet up.

Just say, you are not not keen to constantly message without meeting someone and stop messaging. Move on to someone else.

Isitreally17777 · 10/04/2021 07:18

I chatted with someone for 5 months before eventually meeting him. I went through the whole is he a catfish, does he want to meet, is he married. In the end I stopped thinking about it because it was messing with my head more than him not getting his act together to meet was. I knew from the beginning that it wasn't going to be easy as he had just got out of a long relationship. We got on really well and had a great connection. We talked about all sorts of things. When we finally met it wasn't awkward and it was like friends straight away. It was obvious though that he was still very much hung up on his ex and not ready for anything. The reason he kept cancelling was for the simple fact he wasn't ready and he was getting cold feet each time.

So not every guy is a catfish or married and bored some really are just not ready even though they think they are. Maybe my guy was the exception though.

Blueskytoday06 · 10/04/2021 07:24

You've just learned an important lesson in OLD (we all go like through it). Don't invest too much and definitely don't let it go 6 weeks without meeting. One to two at a push. I'm sorry to say but if he wanted to meet, even in current circs, he would. Don't let him string you any longer.

Manxiety · 10/04/2021 07:43

@melononapear

I have only seen photos so far although I have seen extra ones that are not on his dating profile. We haven't FaceTimed although I wouldn't do that because I hate it and hate feeling like I'm talking to a screen 😂 We've tried to call a few times but ended up missing each other 😞

He's said he is keen to meet but if so why hasn't he made any effort to do so?!

If he is just dicking me around how do I find out?! I don't feel like accusing him of being a catfish will go down well! Is there a nice way to say 'Sorry, but if you don't want to meet me then I need to give up and find someone who does?'.

You find out by setting up a date. Give him a couple of options. Suggest a walk and coffee (your treat). If he doesn't meet - move on. Stop letting men waste your time op.

ThisTooShallBeFantastic · 10/04/2021 07:44

Tell him seriously that you want to meet and within moments of saying this, agree on a place and time. If this does not happen - he’s vague, or makes excuses - tell him that you don’t just want a penpal so you will not be in touch again. Mean it. Delete the chat and his number. No need to block (so rude!) unless he gets arsy, but no need to waste your precious life hanging around and being ‘nice’.

My guess is that he’s just a bit pathetic, playing at a ‘relationship’ but lacking the gumption to see it through. Two weeks to meet was my rule. And they should be KEEN, not wanting to run the risk of losing you.

If he’s that busy, he doesn’t have time for a relationship does he?

Manxiety · 10/04/2021 08:11

@ThisTooShallBeFantastic

Tell him seriously that you want to meet and within moments of saying this, agree on a place and time. If this does not happen - he’s vague, or makes excuses - tell him that you don’t just want a penpal so you will not be in touch again. Mean it. Delete the chat and his number. No need to block (so rude!) unless he gets arsy, but no need to waste your precious life hanging around and being ‘nice’.

My guess is that he’s just a bit pathetic, playing at a ‘relationship’ but lacking the gumption to see it through. Two weeks to meet was my rule. And they should be KEEN, not wanting to run the risk of losing you.

If he’s that busy, he doesn’t have time for a relationship does he?

Or he's married.