Does he not want to meet me?

[melononapear]

Been talking to a guy I met through OLD for about 6 weeks now. I have suggested meeting up already (at around the 2 week mark) but at the time he said no as he felt it was too soon. Fair enough. I didn't bring it up again as I thought I'd wait until he felt enough time has passed.

He implied that we would meet soon after he went back to work and said he would let me know when he had a day off but we are now three weeks on from that and still no attempt at making a plan to meet!

I'm getting a bit frustrated because I feel like he is either not that bothered about meeting me or actively avoiding it. I've grown to really like him and the more time goes on it feels a bit weird that I haven't met him yet. It also makes me wonder if he is a catfish or has no intention of ever meeting me 😞

I know 6 weeks isn't a huge amount of time and it did occur to me that maybe he was wanting to wait until restrictions lift a bit more but I just don't want to pin my hopes on someone who I still don't know if I actually have any real life chemistry with! I appreciate I may be overthinking things but I don't know whether to leave it or keep trying?

@SVRT19674 I hate video chatting, hence why I like to meet quite early on ideally. I hate talking to a screen, every single angle is unflattering and I feel super awkward doing it. I even hate doing it with my own family! I become so concerned with looking at my own face and stressing about it I can't concentrate on what I'm saying and I can't be myself. I'm happy to phone chat but I won't do video chats.

I had this last year. Chatted so much for 3 months, with him umming and ahing if to meet. Honesty the way he was you would think he was considering marriage...not a quick coffee.

I spent so long wondering why, what was wrong with me etc. We met in the end and he was real but my goodness what hard work and not good for the confidence at all.

I think now it is him, not me. I'd rather meet and chat than have so long of endless messaging tennis. He seemed to be happy with it though. I just take it as it is now - a pen pal.

@isitreally17777 your story isn't as comforting as you think it is: "He might not be married, he might just be completely hung up on his ex so he won't meet you for months and then will still not be ready for a relationship. He has the potential to be a good friend after 5-6 years of healing though!". He shouldn't be on OLD if he's so messed up. He's either got no self awareness or he's relying on female strangers to emotionally coddle him. Either way it's not good.

OP Have you dumped him yet? It's best to meet early. Lots of people take pictures from certain angles so it makes them look completely different, or they have weird personal grooming habits that instantly turn you off in person. It's best to see those early doors in case there's something off-putting about them, then you've not poured 6 weeks of your precious life down the Tinder sink.

I've asked him one more time to arrange a meet up soon. If he blows me off or makes excuses this time then I'll just write him off as a fun few weeks of chatting during lockdown and move on.

I'm back at work now and as much as I like him (or what he's pretending to be) my free time is precious and I'm not going to waste it on someone who isn't bothered or worse.

That is still quite open ended and leaving it up to him though. You are 50% of the decision making power in this liaison too!

Something like "shall we meet for a coffee/ walk on Wednesday at 5pm?" He will either: say yes, suggest a more convenient time for him, or say he's not ready to meet yet. That way you'll have a clear answer.

I can see why he wouldn't want to have met the first time, although people were allowed to meet up with one other person back then I think it was only for exercise purposes. Tbh as wfh my contact with others was minimal and I wanted to keep it that way so if I did meet up with someone I was choosing close friends/family. I didn't want to add a risk just for a date iyswim. Although this is the precise reason I haven't even bothered thinking about dating/starting to chat with anyone for well over a year now, no point.
In all honesty I've old on and off for years and I've never met a catfish, I have met blokes who were hesitant about meeting for a host of other reasons but they all looked like their pics if we did meet so I don't think you can jump to any instant conclusions.
If be prone to give him the benefit of doubt on this occasion. What do you have to loose. I'd text saying now restrictions have lifted and you can meet for social interactions, as well as a bit more time having passed you'd like to meet up. I'd even throw in that the last year has been difficult in so many ways so let's just do something easy, cheap and casual. Maybe grab a takeaway coffee and go for a walk. That way if it's money that is bothering him or he just feels a bit of pressure after being stuck in for a year, (fully understandable, I used to love dating but after this year the thought of going back there makes me a bit anxious, I've lost my mojo lol) then you've kind of covered those concerns already.
I'd be direct and after the above say to him so when are you free, are you about next weekend for an hour or so.
He'll either do one of three things.

1. He'll agree and arrange a time/day.
2. He'll dither and dally and try to avoid the question or say no he needs more time.
3. He'll arrange a meet up knowing it won't go ahead and either fade out messaging in the interim or have a family/work crisis closer to the day, buying himself more time.

If it's 1 great, if it's 2 or 3 wish him well, delete his number and start talking to other people, for whatever reason this isn't going to go anywhere.

For a while I was giving him the benefit of the doubt because when we first started talking the 'roadmap' out of lockdown hadn't even been announced yet so meeting up wasn't really on the cards. Neither of us were working so money was tight and the weather wasn't good, making outdoor activities unpleasant! Now all that is changing so I am expecting him to be more enthusiastic about meeting.

I knew he was working today so I wasn't expecting a reply until tonight but he messaged back quite quickly and he said yes! We're going to meet next week 😁 Fingers crossed it actually happens now and doesn't fall through at the last minute!

@melononapear

For a while I was giving him the benefit of the doubt because when we first started talking the 'roadmap' out of lockdown hadn't even been announced yet so meeting up wasn't really on the cards. Neither of us were working so money was tight and the weather wasn't good, making outdoor activities unpleasant! Now all that is changing so I am expecting him to be more enthusiastic about meeting.

I knew he was working today so I wasn't expecting a reply until tonight but he messaged back quite quickly and he said yes! We're going to meet next week 😁 Fingers crossed it actually happens now and doesn't fall through at the last minute!

Has he suggested time / day / place etc or just said 'sometime next week' type of thing?

Well, surprise surprise, we didn't end up meeting 😂

He made some excuse about not having any time off work and I just gave up at that point, we still speak but sporadically and much less intensely than before.

I have now met someone else so am no longer interested in dating him but I don't want to be cruel about it. What would be the best way to let him down gently? I don't want to ghost him as that seems really mean and childish, but I'd rather not tell him I've met someone else either!

"Been lovely talking to you but it seems neither of us are as keen as we should be. Wish you all the best."

It's not ghosting if you've never met him; so feel free to just block him. If you wanted you could send a message like "I've met someone else, good luck, bye" but don't dress it up with the "it's not you, it's me. You are a wonderful person" line. He hasn't been upfront and honest with you, he has led you a merry dance for months and he knows it. Don't bother about protecting his ego, he's been OLD in a disingenuous way - he doesn't even want to date!

Please don't invest emotions and generosity in gently extricating yourself from someone who doesn't care about you; he's not worth it. Save it for your new paramour!

As it seems unlikely that we are ever going to meet, I see little point in continuing our conversations, I wish you well x

Had you not even spoken to him on the phone?

If it has only ever been written word, then it clearly wasn't ever going to be 'dating'. Some people really are happy with 'online only' relationships.

I'd send a text along the lines of 'nice chatting these last few weeks but time to move along, bye and take care'

My partner had this with someone he was chatting to online...kept making excuses...then he met me and we met after 48hours chatting online. After we'd had 2 dates he told her he'd met someone and wanted to see how things went with me. She was furious. Reported him to the dating site. That was nearly 3 years ago.

As my partner said...it's a "dating" site not a penpal site.

It should of been quicker then! I would say I've come off the dating sites as I'm now dating someone, be honest or he might just keep popping up.

*He not it

I'd just be honest with him and say "it's been nice chatting to you but I am looking to date and have actually recently met someone so I don't think it's right to keep messaging. All the best".

Back when I did online dating this happened to me twice. The first I eventually discovered was in a relationship. The second I still don’t know. I’m as certain as I can be that he was single, very big online presence so it would have been obvious. The only thing I can think of was the distance and his schedule.
Same thing though! Insistent that he was interested and wanted to meet... just never materialised! Actually his name doesn’t begin with J does it?

Tbh after him messing you about for weeks I wouldn't be too bothered about rejecting him. You made it clear you wanted to meet and he didn't.
The messages suggested by PPs about saying you're now dating someone are perfect.

Good luck with the new guy

@WeCameToDance actually it does! 😂