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Original poster

Would you leave a guy because of his kids?

62 replies

piddocktrumperiness · 09/04/2021 16:42

Just that really. I'm in a new relationship, (7 months) with someone I really like; it's a healthy relationship and I'm happy. He has made it clear he'd like build a future with me. He however has a few children; one who has been struggling with several issues the last few months (some v sensitive) that very recently have ended up involving the police, school and other agencies. The children live with the other parent the other side of the country. He sees them during holidays.

I myself have children and have been divorced 10 years. Not sure how to navigate the situation here. I worry about bringing chaos to my kids that they didn't ask for.

It's not this man's fault of course- He's very worried about his kid and is trying everything to help them but again I'm not sure what to do, thinking ahead. I don't want to sound hypocritical either, as I am aware we all have some drama in our lives.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Cloudfrost · 09/04/2021 17:01

To begin with I wouldn't get involved with a man whose kids are on the other side of the country. Infrequent contact with a parent can have a serious negative impact on a child. Also it's shit that the RP has been left to deal with the shitstorm of the child's problems while the NRP is so far away.

You have only been seeing this person 7 months. Best to cut your loses and move on. No reason to get dragged into his issues. If it was me I would also tell him he should go to see his child in person to deal with the issues

Redtartanshoes · 09/04/2021 17:03

Run.

Been there, done that, it never ends well.

Sorry

Aprilshowersandhail · 09/04/2021 17:04

Imagine the dm sends his dc his way full time.
A lot to manage given the details of your post..
I doubt my now dh expected to be landed with 2 teens full time. It happened!!

TeeBee · 09/04/2021 17:07

Well I'd say be in a relationship with him if he makes you happy but ensure you don't move in together. You don't need all that shit on your doorstep.

Silverfly · 09/04/2021 17:10

I think it depends what you want from this relationship. I would be very strongly against moving in together (until your DC and/or his have grown up). It sounds like the school holidays, with his DC there, could be a very difficult time. Putting your DC into that situation would be a huge risk and not one that I'd be prepared to take with my DC.

But if you're ok with living separately for several years, and seeing less of him while he has his DC with him, then it would be ok to date him if you enjoy each other's company.

DinosaurDiana · 09/04/2021 17:12

If you’re going to continue the relationship don’t live together, that way your kids shouldn’t be affected.

DoingItMyself · 09/04/2021 17:13

Definitely run. Don't inflict a shit-show on your children.

Bananalanacake · 09/04/2021 17:15

Enjoy the relationship but make it clear you will not be moving in together.

VettiyaIruken · 09/04/2021 17:15

Nope.
I'd walk away. Sounds like he needs to focus on his children.

Derrymum123 · 09/04/2021 17:17

Nope. Walk away - your kids don't need this and neither do you.

jessstan2 · 09/04/2021 17:18

Don't get too involved by which I mean, no moving in together. Your new boyfriend has too much baggage for a start and you've only been seeing each other seven months - which can't have been much considering covid restrictions.

His problems, though it is nice that you are concerned and he can express them to you, are not your problems. He has to sort them for himself.

You say he has a few children and I must ask, how many is 'a few'?

Just enjoy your relationship for what it is right now. Have some fun, you obviously like him, but don't think of it as being eternally binding.

VodselForDinner · 09/04/2021 17:19

Did he move away from his children, or did his ex move away with them?

Fraggle40 · 09/04/2021 17:21

He needs to move nearer his kids

osbertthesyrianhamster · 09/04/2021 17:22

RUN! Do not inflict this shit show on yourself or your kids. He needs to take a break from dating and focus on his kid, not on a relationship and 'building a future' with a romantic interest - he needs to act like an adult and put his kids first for a while.

autumnalrain · 09/04/2021 17:48

More concerning that he doesn’t live near his kids

sunnyzweibrucken · 09/04/2021 17:53

Done this before, never again.

At most don't move in together, blending families especially under these circumstances would probably end up unfavorable.

category12 · 09/04/2021 17:53

"A few" children? That he only sees in the holidays? How does he do "everything he can to help" from the other side of the country?

Wouldn't rate him.

MrsKeats · 09/04/2021 18:03

I just wouldn't do this

Scarydinosaurs · 09/04/2021 18:04

I think it’s a very good reason to not continue a relationship.

Original poster
piddocktrumperiness · 09/04/2021 18:09

He has three children. The teen lives with his first wife and her family- she moved for work. His two other children live in the same city as him, with his second ex and her husband. He sees these two kids weekly.

OP posts:
Original poster
piddocktrumperiness · 09/04/2021 18:10

So logistically he can only see all his kids at the same time during holidays

OP posts:
category12 · 09/04/2021 18:15

Have you thought about just having a living apart relationship as a middle road?

His situation sounds complicated and if you're thinking of "blending" families and living together, it sounds like a nightmare and potentially a poor outcome for your dc.

But if you're super-keen on him, why not just stick with seeing each other?

Chewbecca · 09/04/2021 18:17

You only have to read a handful of threads on here to know that some relationships should stop at this stage.

The current situation won’t be forever, it could change at any time in any way.

If you really want to stay together, I would echo earlier posters and say keep it to dating, no loving together or combining of finances.

Fun stuff only!

Original poster
piddocktrumperiness · 09/04/2021 18:18

I've not honestly thought of that @category12 but I do like the idea.
He has romanticised the idea of building a life for all of us and being together.

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 09/04/2021 18:22

@piddocktrumperiness

I've not honestly thought of that *@category12* but I do like the idea. He has romanticised the idea of building a life for all of us and being together.
No, just NO. He, he, he. It's all about him and what he wants and his ideas. I can almost promise you what he wants is replacement mum to the kids, you.

This is just FAR too much work, even for this middle of the road idea, that won't work because he'll push.

He is selfish because he really shouldn't be dating now but focusing all his energies on his kid who has problems and lives across the country. FFS, wouldn't you be doing everything in your power to help your child who was like that rather than only seeing them on holidays and spending time on romance?

There are other men out there who don't have all this. Life as a single parent is hard enough as it is without this person who has serious complications.