Would you leave a guy because of his kids?

[piddocktrumperiness]

Just that really. I'm in a new relationship, (7 months) with someone I really like; it's a healthy relationship and I'm happy. He has made it clear he'd like build a future with me. He however has a few children; one who has been struggling with several issues the last few months (some v sensitive) that very recently have ended up involving the police, school and other agencies. The children live with the other parent the other side of the country. He sees them during holidays.

I myself have children and have been divorced 10 years. Not sure how to navigate the situation here. I worry about bringing chaos to my kids that they didn't ask for.

It's not this man's fault of course- He's very worried about his kid and is trying everything to help them but again I'm not sure what to do, thinking ahead. I don't want to sound hypocritical either, as I am aware we all have some drama in our lives.

Any advice?

I think it Is fine to “date” him - just don’t blend families. (Personally I wouldn’t even introduce to my kids.)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4213225-Is-it-weird-to-not-want-to-live-with-partner This thread is full of people choosing to live apart

He's a glutton for punishment, isn't he? If he's already done the marriage and kids thing twice. And quite a quick mover too, if he's talking about that only 7 months in.

Just because he's idealising it, doesn't mean you have to go along.

He’s got two exes and multiple children by different mothers? Ok. He’s bound to be a great catch. Why would you pick somebody with that many broken families behind them?

Of course he has put forward the idea of you making a home together. Then you would be lumbered with caring for his children.

Don't do it.

@stoopider

He’s got two exes and multiple children by different mothers? Ok. He’s bound to be a great catch. Why would you pick somebody with that many broken families behind them?

And starts to bring up moving in after just 7 months when he's got several kids by different mums and knows you have kids, too?

WAY too much drama in his life even to date casually. And he'll keep banging on about 'building a future together'. Sounds like his standard MO.

After 7 months he's already wanting to fully integrate your lives (and have a child with you too possibly?). At the risk of sounding judgemental, I am beginning to see why he already has two families behind him, this is batshit. He can think and dream and want all he likes, you should run a mile in my opinion. Or at most date him in a very compartmentalised way

After what you’ve describe I would be ending the relationship unless I though we could both be happy with a relationship where we continued to live apart long term.

He may well be a lovely bloke whose just been unlucky with break ups. However having already had children with 2 women and then to be talking about a future living all together after only 7 months with you, that would be concerning for me.

He sounds incredibly selfish. 3 different families of kids who will be impacted by a decision for you 2 to move in together and he’s already suggesting it after 7 months of dating??
This is not a man who takes his responsibilities seriously. I’d run

The lovebombing should be a serious red flag to you.

Doesn't he see his nearby kids in term time?

I'd keep seeing him if the relationship is good, but wouldn't merge families. No need. Just enjoy each other and tell him you're not ready for a full on living situation.

Unless you really want to be living with your partner, in which case I would consider looking for someone who improves your life rather than making it more stressful

Even if his children were all perfect angels, that is too complicated to introduce into your child’s life.

The one thing that jumps into my mind is please please don't fall pregnant with this man. Romanticises of a large happy family, I bet he bloody does. Flirt & date but I would keep him at arms length away from your kids. Does he own his own home?

You say he sees his other dc weekly, how old are they? How much during the week does he have them? You want to bring this man into your children's lives but how is he as a parent to his already existing children?
Has even met them yet?

Thanks everyone
Yes he does see his nearby kids term time- every week actually.
When talking about moving in, it was more along the lines of 'where do you see yourself in 5 years' type thing. He was talking about the big picture and his future hopes and dreams.

He's not met my kids yet no

His two kids are 8 (twins)

His two live with their mother and stepfather and half siblings so it's a couple of days a week, sometimes more- more of an adhoc basis depending on if the kids want to or not I think.

Nah he has a problem teen. They get over that. It wouldn't affect my relationship just don't move in together

@piddocktrumperiness

I've not honestly thought of that *@category12* but I do like the idea. He has romanticised the idea of building a life for all of us and being together.

For Christ’s sake just read that back. Why the hell would do you do this to your kids?

Why do I get the awful feeling that this is going to end up with him moving in, getting you knocked up and then bogging off, leaving yet another family of children he’s not responsible for 🤦‍♀️

@piddocktrumperiness

I've not honestly thought of that *@category12* but I do like the idea. He has romanticised the idea of building a life for all of us and being together.

Yes, I bet he has! Think about it, you would be there to help in him see more of his kids, whilst combining finances, families and housing. Is that really what you want?

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy

Why do I get the awful feeling that this is going to end up with him moving in, getting you knocked up and then bogging off, leaving yet another family of children he’s not responsible for 🤦‍♀️

Because it happens so often. This man needs to be an adult and put his kid before his desire for a relationship just now.

Thank you everyone. I do feel that there is too much focus on the man himself and not on the idea that his kid is getting into trouble. The kid has a few sensitive issues going on, gender dysphoria being one, and is rebelling.

He is not wanting me to move in straight away :)
He has just stated it in passing when we were both talking about our future goals and visions.

His kids also have mothers too so it isn't going to be the case where they just leave their mothers and move in type thing.

I understand it is complex but I don't want to be giving the impression that I'm moving in next week and I'm cleaning up after all his kids who have out of the blue decided to live with him full time.

Yes it is not ideal to have kids from different exes but that is not something I am judging for as marriages breakdown for many reasons- he was cheated on for example.

I'm focusing more on whether the problem child is enough reason to leave the whole thing :)

Your own children don't need this stress in their lives. Either end it, or never introduce him to your kids