I've tried to distil this to its most salient bits, but it's really long. Apologies. It's getting it all in the right order that's hard. It's also pretty outing but I don't really owe the other actors anything, so . . .
Boyfriend and I have been 'together' for fifteen years. He was my first relationship of note (I was early 20s when we got together); I became pregnant within nine months of meeting; we went on to have two more children. For all sorts of reasons we've never really lived together. Quite a lot of people - including mums at the school - think of me as a single parent and I've never really disabused them of that notion: and, in fairness, I pretty much am - every dentist appointment; parents' evening; birthday party; trip to the beach, I do solo. We never go to weddings together; to lunch with friends. We've never hosted a dinner party. I've become less sociable over the years but I am fairly well-liked in my set 😂 while he is a loner who bemoans his lack of friends but does precisely eff-all about him (people seem to like him a lot, but give up when they realize he's a bit of a curmudgeon). Despite all this, I'd've described us as a couple. My close friends would have, too. Our families. It was emphatically not an open relationship.
Three years ago, when I'd just had our third baby, he came to see us and said he'd had a spat with a colleague about his 'inappropriate friendliness' with another co-worker. I knew immediately who it would be, as he'd mentioned her a few times 🙄 (noted that she'd grown up in the neighbouring village to mine) and that's not really his style. I was uncharacteristically upset and he took pains to tell me that, while he found her attractive, he didn't 'fancy' her per se - and it was largely academic because he loved me, fancied me, and would never cheat. Like the idea was preposterous. Weirdly, despite being a misery in many ways, he's quite flirtatious and quite attractive to women; he's 'admitted' to fancying a couple of our friends, in a very low-key way. I found that quite refreshing, as I think it's naive to think people in relationships never find other people attractive. Anyway. I got over it and was probably no more than mildly relieved when she left to work elsewhere. I should point out she was also in a LTR, and had a child.
Fast-forward to the end of 2019 when she and I ended up working together. (Not suspicious; can't say more than that). I was a bit wary I guess but we got in like a house on fire and I mentally harangued myself for ever thinking poorly of her 🙄 We never really touched on 'the incident' but she did tell me about her relationship woes and, when drunk, alluded to some sort of fling with my boyfriend's immediate junior (a much younger man than both of us, but with a wife and children). Didn't press her on that one but it gave me a sort of peace of mind as it seemed to have happened when I was at the height of my paranoia.
The thing that was tricky, was that ours was a customer-facing role and, while we were both notably good at our job, she performed it with a certain elan that's hard to describe, while I was efficient but also had a spot of 'resting bitch face'. She's also very very attractive to men/customers. Pretty face; great body. They f*ing loved her and treated me like a a kind of gatekeeper/DUFF. In my heyday, I was pretty hot stuff - honest - but I'm now an overweight drudge. Never wear make up; never blow dry my hair. Favour trousers from Matalan with an elasticated waist. I have zero sex appeal and men simply don't fancy me. (Not any with both original hips, anyway - I'm a hit with the 64-79 demographic for some reason 🙄) I accept this is not her fault but it's pretty galling.
Early 2020 she left to go back and work with my boyfriend - not at his behest, but was 'headhunted' by his boss (her former boss). Then Covid happened. In the event, she fell out with the boss and went to work elsewhere. Boyfriend and I did pretty well during the first lockdown - lots of walks with the kids; making bread; bit of DIY. By the time of the second one in November, things had gone downhill. I'd just had a health scare and was admitted to hospital for a time; he was worried there might not be a job for him to go back to (he's already in an IVA). He found living with my elderly parent a huge strain, which I understand - she displays what I shall charitably call 'idiosyncratic' behaviour, which would try the patience of a saint. (On the other hand, she provides childcare, helps us financially, and is my best friend). At any rate - he told me he'd had a drink with this woman in October 2020 and she'd detailed the whole sorry business with his junior, which apparently wasn't a fling but an eighteen month affair during which she'd become pregnant. She'd told her partner in the night he was going to tell his, and then they'd be together - except he chickened out and she was left with a furious and sad partner, and a pregnancy, which she then terminated. I believe his wife found out and threatened her. Messy.
Anyway, our relationship was in the shitter and when BF proposed finding his own place in December, I thought it was a good idea. It was sold to me as space, and we'd maybe not be an orthodox couple - well, we never have been anyway - but we'd be best buds and have lots of sex (which has never been an issue for us). I tell him to tell me if anyone else come along. He agrees, but tells me it's unlikely. I say the same (there not being a huge market for fat, plain, single mums of three). Fine.
Boxing Day 2020 and the bad angel taps me on my shoulder and for first time ever I check his phone, not even being sure I can get access. But I do - and there it is. A massive EA in which it's clear they've only had sex once (about 0.085 seconds after he'd moved out, and a few days before Christmas) but have been building up to it for yonks. While my kids have been bored to tears, they've been having long walks on the Kent coast, and telling each other how 'natural' they feel with each other; how they 'think about each other all the time'. Ace. I forward the message to my BFF who says it makes her tummy hurt. They're clearly in love (though she seems to have withdrawn a bit, although whether it was a modicum of moral fibre or a method of prick-teasing, I'm not sure). I confront him. I send her a restrained message indicating that I'm not going to help them deodorise the mucky genesis of their relationship (a phrase borrowed from here) but they have my go-ahead. She reads and wisely doesn't reply, but messages him two days later
Loads of shit very early on but settled down now. My friends opine that he's cunt, she's a cunt, and not even that pretty (not true, but they're loyal 😂). He proves remarkably resistant to moving on with her, and says he will never love her like he loves me. That all he wanted was to get married and have a proper life with me. That he wants her friendship, and wants to fuck her, but doesn't want a relationship, recognises she's 'damaged', and would stop seeing her if I insisted. (Which I haven't and wouldn't). Most implausibly, he says over many texts that he thinks I'm much hotter than her - probably because me sobbing and talking about what a hideous swamp monster I am, and how firm her tits and fanny must be, has made him feel a bit guilty. He still talks about getting married (and in fairness has asked many times over the years) and growing old. (How her magic fanny fits into that idyll, I don't know). He wants me to have sex with other men if I want, but doesn't want me to have a relationship or fall in love . He's around here all the time, being the best parent he's ever been, and helping out enormously in other ways. So we haven't been managed to break up properly - by rights I'd be three stone thinner and have had a radical haircut. But no.
We have always got in well, and continue to. Make each other laugh; love films and football.
So, Mumsnetters - what the fuck do I do? I love him, but am in limbo and actually keep hoping she gets pregnant so this weird situation stops. I'm also btw livid that this is another relationship she's had a hand in ruining, but again walks away unharmed and buoyed by the fact that another man wants a piece. She has low self-esteem, though, apparently. Sure she does. And I'm Jim Davidson.
So - what now?