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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Accidentally in love

54 replies

Cheesypizzaslice · 08/04/2021 16:34

So I have met this really amazing guy who I have only known for nearly three months and I honestly feel like I have found a soul mate or the love of my life. Its complicated he's going through a messy divorce, I'm only separated nearly 5 months but never married from an ex. We both had bad relationships and have found such solace in each other. He's constantly saying wonderful things, I am the light to his day, he's so glad to have met me, he really likes me and through all the hardship he is glad to have gained me, we are even talking about holidays and introducing each other to our kids. I never imagined this happening but I bloody LOVE the guy, the problem is I don't know if he's ready for that. I don't want to seem too forward by telling him, I'm really struggling with not blurting it out but I feel like it's eating me up inside. Am I acting like a silly teenager? He's 7 years older than me I am nearly 29 and feel like a 14year old that doesn't know what to do 🙈

OP posts:

litterbird · 08/04/2021 16:39

I always say that you should be your authentic self in relationships. If you feel like you are in love with him then just tell him. Just be mindful that this new relationship seems to be going at 100 mph. Its often a red flag with all the future faking and love bombing. However, there are exceptions to this on occasion. Both of you are going through the distressing and exhausting process of separation and divorce and your rose tinted glasses are fully on. Keep your wits about you and just enjoy what you have now. He may not be ready yet but who's to know further down the line. Just take baby steps right now.

ravenmum · 08/04/2021 16:52

I had something like this in my first relationship after a long marriage and hard separation. It was amazing :) but as litterbird suggested, the guy turned out to be a total lovebomber. Fortunately I'd enjoyed the feelings and excitement but without actually expecting it to last, so it wasn't too hard to move on. Do you think you could enjoy it without being too hurt if it does go up in a puff of smoke?

Hobbitjar · 08/04/2021 18:13

Gosh sounds like me with my ex who turned out to be a narc and abusive mentally. He also had a ‘bad’ relationship but turns out his ex had a nervous breakdown. He also was amazing for a long time and said all the right things. This sounds like lovebombing and genuinely sends a shiver down my spine. I hope I’m wrong and you have many happy years together. Enjoy getting to know each other properly. I made a mistake

edwinbear · 08/04/2021 18:17

Watch for rebound relationships. They can be super intense but often don’t last. Enjoy it, but please keep your head firmly screwed on. Please don’t introduce kids just yet, it’s way too early and they will be reeling from their parents separation.

Original poster

Cheesypizzaslice · 08/04/2021 18:34

Thank you all for your advice. I have to admit I've never heard of 'love bombing' 🤨 so had to Google that one. I don't think he's a love bomber I hope not anyway I do believe he's been through alot and doesn't have it in him to use people that I can see but I am trying to be cautious as you have said @edwinbear I'm worried what if it is just a rebound although it feels like more. In regards to the introduction of kids we had said next year all going well I appreciate its soon for them so that gives me some hope. I just need to find a way to ground my feelings so I don't let myself get carried away and accidentally blurt something out as I do want to remain careful I mean he's not even officially divorced yet but it's just so difficult when we can't help but feel close through such similar situations

OP posts:

HCHY4 · 08/04/2021 18:42

I also had this after my marriage and it didn’t last. When you have had a shit relationship, I think you are ripe for a bit of those heady love feelings but you need to be careful as you are going to fast and introducing kids is still too soon really.

Fireflygal · 08/04/2021 19:01

How long was he married for? It sounds absolutely like love bombing, all the soul mate stuff. Remember you DON'T know each other. You only know what you are choosing to tell each other. He may have anger issues, he may be hopeless with money, he may be a terrible parent, he may be useless at domestic chores, he may selfish with his hobbies. He will not he revealing any negatives to you at this stage.

Why is his divorce messy?

Ask him what he did to contribute to the marriage failing, did he try to resolve the issues. Say No to him and test his reaction is.

If you have children you have to think with your head and recognise he is a stranger as it takes 2 years to know someone, 3 months is just way too early.

stoopider · 08/04/2021 19:22

You really need to be careful. This is rebound. I’ve got cheese in my fridge that’s older than your relationship. You cannot possibly know each other yet. He’s just saying what you want to hear. Do not bring your kids into this. If you’re still together after your first argument then think about it. Are you a people pleaser? Are you agreeable and bending yourself to whatever he wants just to feel in love? They say the test is to say NO to something. Pick something. So he says he wants to come over one night. You say “lovely idea but I don’t want to tonight. I fancy an early night” just say no to something and see how he takes it. Do not apologise. Do not make an excuse that is elaborate. An adult relationship should include the ability to think for yourself and say no. If he’s your soul mate then you’ll know based on how he reacts to you disagreeing with him. Have you disagreed with him about anything yet?

Twoforthree · 08/04/2021 19:27

You love the feeling of being in love at the moment. Enjoy it but wait till you actually get to know him properly before doing, or saying something you regret. Don't compromise yourself financially.

Original poster

Cheesypizzaslice · 08/04/2021 19:40

Ah he was married 12 years. His ex didn't work and apparently threatened to leave him if he didn't have a child with her. He bought her a business and ran it himself he is giving her all of it plus more basically said he's trying to pay her off to get rid of her as she is only after money and he basically worked himself into a grave to afford her lifestyle. Supposedly she would lie kicking and screaming on the floor, taking photos in a bikini in the snow and stole money from the business and was caught on cctv with other men so he's wanted a divorce. It's messy because she wants more money and is already getting over half supposidly. Share joint custody of child 50/50. He's not bad with money I think he's rather sensitive. I think where both afraid of getting hurt. She still wants him back. We haven't disagreed yet no. I have said no before to him coming round as I wasn't well and he understood I then went back to my folks for two weeks he was okay with this also just said he misses me. Maybe we both just aren't used to somebody nice. I do take on board all the worries. I used to have a guard up but have let it down but perhaps I should keep it 50/50 and try not to get carried away

OP posts:

RealisticSketch · 08/04/2021 19:46

It could be genuine but only hindsight will allow you to know for sure. Try to pace it so you can see him in many situations (pressure, what brings him joy, how he treats his family when he's in a bad mood etc etc) see all his stripes before you commit. If it's genuine soul mate territory you will have nothing to lose by savouring discovering all his layers. Think of it like a special meal, you don't want to throw out down your neck like it's super noodles do you. Admire the presentation, taste it slowly.

ravenmum · 08/04/2021 20:08

Are you thinking about more children or is that all done and dusted so that there's no push to get serious? If so, you can just take your time. In a couple of years you'll have a better idea of what you've got into.

Does he have his own place to live?

His ex didn't work and apparently threatened to leave him if he didn't have a child with her
This doesn't paint him in a great light tbh. He stayed with her although he wanted a working wife? His choice. He bought his "crazy, lazy ex" a business? His choice. He even chose to have a child to stay with her? A bad reason to have a child, but if he did that it was still his choice. Very poor form to tell you she "made him" have a child - that's disloyal to his child. And dissing his ex in such nasty detail to someone he's only known a couple of months? Hardly a gentleman, is he? What's he going to say about you, if you break up?

Blue4YOU · 08/04/2021 20:13

Oh OP. I really don’t like the sound of this.
An OTT ex he chose to stay with BEFORE he had a child. I don’t buy it.
Men are not that generous.
Or if they are they must be besotted.
Tread very very carefully

Aquamarine1029 · 08/04/2021 20:17

You really need to slow down because you are not thinking clearly. You are allowing your emotions, your need for companionship, and your chemical attraction to him override your common sense. Neither one of you are in any way ready for such a full on relationship, and his behaviour is suspicious to say the least.

Fireflygal · 08/04/2021 23:26

Please don't believe the "crazy,lazy" ex who forced him to have a child and is now asking for more than 50%. This is textbook demonising the Ex.

He wouldn't separate from her when they were childless and now they have a child he thinks it's a good time to leave?? Come on, does that make sense.?? You are infatuated so you are not seeing the red flags that are obvious to us.

Sunflower1970 · 08/04/2021 23:39

Why don’t you relax and take your time. Just enjoy it

AramintaLee · 08/04/2021 23:48

Hi OP. Not to be negative or rain on your parade, but I'm not sure you can really love someone after 90 days. Lust? Definitely. It's intoxicating and makes you feel on top of the world. I think the love comes later when you really know the best and worst of each other (which comes with time!)

I told my current boyfriend I was in love with him after less than 3 months together (and he reciprocated) but 2.5 years down the line and I'm like - no, that was intense lust and infatuation. What we have NOW is love and it's made up of all those little things you find out about each other as time passes.

I guess my advice is to slow down and enjoy it. You don't need to rush anything and drop the love bombshell. If you think you sound like a 14 year old girl, that should tell you that what you're feeling is probably lust.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 08/04/2021 23:51

This has got disaster all over it. I hope I'm wrong but from your subsequent posts I don't get a positive feeling about this at all.

Geppili · 08/04/2021 23:53

Google limerence.

lborgia · 09/04/2021 00:05

OMG, listen to the MN vipers, please.

Unless you’ve seen her behaviour with your own eyes, how can you trust a man who talks about his ex like this, after only a few weeks? Surely he would be saying something like “it’s difficult”. The kind of detail he’s giving you is very much painting her as some kind of witch who stopped him from having a good life. Truly? I know there are difficult women out there, I know there are abusive women out there, but really, for him to speak about her like that is pretty revolting.

I also don’t understand why he’s going for 50:50 for a child he was coerced into creating.

It all sounds eerily familiar. 🚩

MMmomDD · 09/04/2021 00:13

OP - you barely know the guy. You’ve been around each other for 2.5 months.
Give your head a shake. You don’t love him, not yet anyway. He is not the Love of your life. This is juvenile.
You can have a strong attraction and chemistry. You both are having a shared experience of separation - and it’s natural to bond with others in the same situation.
But both of you have kids. So - no need to rush anything.
Maybe it’ll develop into something. Maybe it will fizzle out. But at least for now you are what each of you need. So just enjoy and go with the flow.

Personally - the crazy stories about the terrible ex would be a bit of a red flag for me. The ex most of the times isn’t all that crazy and those stories completely miss his role in the breakdown of the relationship.

Onthemaintrunkline · 09/04/2021 00:20

What’s the rush?? Honestly, enjoy what you have now. Enjoy getting to know each other, and I mean really getting to know each other. Personally I’d say you both need time alone before embarking on another relationship. Be very wary, you only have his side of things!

Boringlynormal · 09/04/2021 00:31

His ex didn't work and apparently threatened to leave him if he didn't have a child with her. He bought her a business and ran it himself he is giving her all of it plus more basically said he's trying to pay her off to get rid of her as she is only after money and he basically worked himself into a grave to afford her lifestyle. Supposedly she would lie kicking and screaming on the floor, taking photos in a bikini in the snow and stole money from the business and was caught on cctv with other men so he's wanted a divorce. It's messy because she wants more money and is already getting over half supposidly.

Sorry @Cheesypizzaslice but I don't believe a single word of this. It's also a huge red flag that 3 months in he's giving you so much detail about his 'terrible' ex if she is even an ex Guard your heart.

Famousinlove · 09/04/2021 00:43

Is it possible his ex is a crazy bitch? Yes
Is it possible he's lying about her? Also yes

He might be genuine but as PP have said no need to rush anything, and tbh taking it slower is more likely to make it last than jumping straight into anything. I think one of the best ways of knowing is by meeting people in his life (not kids)

babbi · 09/04/2021 00:44

Sorry I don’t believe a word of that detail about the crazy ex .
Red flags aplenty there . Do yourself a favour and get shot of him before you get in any deeper .
This will end in tears

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