Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Accidentally in love

54 replies

Cheesypizzaslice · 08/04/2021 16:34

So I have met this really amazing guy who I have only known for nearly three months and I honestly feel like I have found a soul mate or the love of my life. Its complicated he's going through a messy divorce, I'm only separated nearly 5 months but never married from an ex. We both had bad relationships and have found such solace in each other. He's constantly saying wonderful things, I am the light to his day, he's so glad to have met me, he really likes me and through all the hardship he is glad to have gained me, we are even talking about holidays and introducing each other to our kids. I never imagined this happening but I bloody LOVE the guy, the problem is I don't know if he's ready for that. I don't want to seem too forward by telling him, I'm really struggling with not blurting it out but I feel like it's eating me up inside. Am I acting like a silly teenager? He's 7 years older than me I am nearly 29 and feel like a 14year old that doesn't know what to do 🙈

OP posts:

stoopider · 09/04/2021 02:28

Oh dear. It’s time to have a proper break from him and slow down. One of the biggest red flags in a relationship is when the bloke says “crazy ex”. It’s a massive no and the general advice is to walk away from anyone who does this. You’re walking into the red flags that everyone knows about!! What you really need to do is contact people who know him and her and get some impartial advice. Have they got Facebook accounts that you can look at old photos? Do some snooping. You can’t believe what he’s telling you. You don’t stay married for 12 years to somebody who kicks and screams. That’s nonsense and I’m sorry but you need to wise up quickly before he starts bad mouthing you too.

jessstan2 · 09/04/2021 03:31

Nothing wrong with you being in love, it's natural. Accept that it often doesn't last, especially when you are on the rebound.

Enjoy the relationship in the here and now, don't make too many future plans in your head and definitely do not involve your children. It's far too soon and, as you say, he is going through divorce at the moment.

Sakurami · 09/04/2021 03:31

The ex sounds implausible.

I think you can fall in love in 3 months but what he says about his eyes has huge warning signs. Think to yourself how likely it is that a woman is tantrum ming all day in a bikini etc until he gives her a child and a business. Does it sound like any women you know?

There is no rush. Maybe carry on enjoying it but don't commit or tie your life to his in any way for at least a few years.

But I would be highly suspicious.

Nothingyet · 09/04/2021 04:23

@ravenmum

Are you thinking about more children or is that all done and dusted so that there's no push to get serious? If so, you can just take your time. In a couple of years you'll have a better idea of what you've got into.

Does he have his own place to live?

His ex didn't work and apparently threatened to leave him if he didn't have a child with her
This doesn't paint him in a great light tbh. He stayed with her although he wanted a working wife? His choice. He bought his "crazy, lazy ex" a business? His choice. He even chose to have a child to stay with her? A bad reason to have a child, but if he did that it was still his choice. Very poor form to tell you she "made him" have a child - that's disloyal to his child. And dissing his ex in such nasty detail to someone he's only known a couple of months? Hardly a gentleman, is he? What's he going to say about you, if you break up?

Sounds like he doesn't have a mind of his own. Just tell him what you want him to do...

Lovingspring · 09/04/2021 05:22

So this ex he speaks so badly of, is also the mother of his (unwanted by him) child?

ravenmum · 09/04/2021 07:52

What point was he even making about bikini photos in the snow? So she was having a laugh on her Instagram? Or is this her?

Wiredforsound · 09/04/2021 08:16

OP please be careful. I’ve been with my DP for 6 years and never once has he said a bad word about his ex. He treats her with respect as the mother of his children. Think about it - why would he have stayed with a crazy woman? Why would he have bought a lazy woman a business? How could he have known CCTV had caught her sleeping with other men unless he was using CCTV to spy on her? Why would he have had a baby with someone he thought of as crazy? 90% of the time when an ex calls someone crazy the crazy one isn’t the ex. Just take a step back and take it a bit more slowly. He might be absolutely fine but there’s no harm in taking off the rose tinted glasses for a bit.

Butwasitherdriveway · 09/04/2021 08:19

Ex working himself into ground to pay for crazy wife. It's textbook.

Go careful.

ravenmum · 09/04/2021 08:21

why would he have stayed with a crazy woman?
I'm guessing it's because he is so sensitive 😂

anunexaminedlife · 09/04/2021 08:23

@Cheesypizzaslice

Ah he was married 12 years. His ex didn't work and apparently threatened to leave him if he didn't have a child with her. He bought her a business and ran it himself he is giving her all of it plus more basically said he's trying to pay her off to get rid of her as she is only after money and he basically worked himself into a grave to afford her lifestyle. Supposedly she would lie kicking and screaming on the floor, taking photos in a bikini in the snow and stole money from the business and was caught on cctv with other men so he's wanted a divorce. It's messy because she wants more money and is already getting over half supposidly. Share joint custody of child 50/50. He's not bad with money I think he's rather sensitive. I think where both afraid of getting hurt. She still wants him back. We haven't disagreed yet no. I have said no before to him coming round as I wasn't well and he understood I then went back to my folks for two weeks he was okay with this also just said he misses me. Maybe we both just aren't used to somebody nice. I do take on board all the worries. I used to have a guard up but have let it down but perhaps I should keep it 50/50 and try not to get carried away

I'm not saying that women never behave badly in relationships, but this description he has given you is 100% bullshit crazy ex narrative

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/04/2021 08:24

@ravenmum

why would he have stayed with a crazy woman? I'm guessing it's because he is so sensitive 😂

And he just wanted the best for his kids... etc etc.

Funny how men like that have awful, crazy, psycho exes yet still don't fight to be resident parent once they break up and instead leave their child(ren) living with the woman they claim is mental.

Leavethedooropen · 09/04/2021 08:25

I would be very wary of the crazy ex story too. If she was that crazy and threatening and unfaithful why did he stay to have a child with her?

Anyway, even if it was all true (it’s not) he shouldn’t be telling you all the personal details of their relationship and divorce. Why is he telling you about all the finances when you have just met and are supposedly all loved up?

Can’t you have a nice conversation about normal things? It sounds like he has sucked you in to it all and it’s not healthy.

OldChinaJug · 09/04/2021 08:26

OP.

My son has a 'crazy ex girlfriend'. Genuinely.

He supported her as best he could but, in the end, she had a psychotic breakdown and was hospitalised. He broke up with her after a lot of wrangling with himself because, after some of the things she said and did, the relationship was damaged beyond repair.

That was 12 months ago. They were together for 18 months. He isn't even considering dating anyone else yet because he needs to look after himself after what was a traumatic period for both of them.

The only people who know are me, a couple of close friends he confided with at the time and a couple of mutual friends who witnessed some of her behaviours (generally and towards him).

He has already said that he won't date until he feels ready to after the experience and will never tell any future girlfriend about her - she was ill; he respects her and he did love her at the time.

That is how someone with a genuinely 'crazy' ex behaves. They don't go straight into a new relationship dumping all their dirty laundry on a new person; nor do they run down someone who was ill; nor do they bond with someone on the basis of a shared shit relationship experience.

I wonder what of your quirks and behaviours will be redefined as 'crazy' in the future when he wants to use it to his advantage?

I would be very wary of him.

Men with 'crazy' exes who are happy to run said exes down are quite often the cause of said craziness.

No mature, worth having man has a baby with someone because she threatens to dump him otherwise. And I bet he loved the bikini in the snow quirkiness of her when they were together.

Butwasitherdriveway · 09/04/2021 08:26

Yeah, that's a red flag too.

My last ex told me so much about his crazy ex I could have written a book on her.

I'm with someone new now and I tell him what he needs to know in terms of my insecurities in relationships. That's it.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 09/04/2021 08:30

His ex didn't work and apparently threatened to leave him if he didn't have a child with her. He bought her a business and ran it himself he is giving her all of it plus more basically said he's trying to pay her off to get rid of her as she is only after money and he basically worked himself into a grave to afford her lifestyle. Supposedly she would lie kicking and screaming on the floor, taking photos in a bikini in the snow and stole money from the business and was caught on cctv with other men so he's wanted a divorce. It's messy because she wants more money and is already getting over half supposidly.

Absolute bollocks. You'd be very naive to take this at face value.

Leaving the bullshit aside, I like to use a simple rule of thumb for entering new relationships. When you break up with someone, calculate the "recovery time" as "length of years in relationship, multiple by 2, and that's the time in months before you're ready to date." So if he was married 12 years, it would take 24 months - 2 years - before he's really moved on and ready to get into something new.

Right now you're both infatuated with each other. It's not love, because you don't really know each other properly yet. It's exciting and thrilling and lovely and sexy. But it's not love, and it's very unlikely to last. Enjoy it for what it is, but don't expect it to have legs.

Onelifeonly · 09/04/2021 08:32

I'm not sure I'd respect someone who described their ex the way he has. Even if she was like this (though it doesn't ring true to me), he should have more respect for a relationship of 12 years, especially involving the mother of his child. Also it's worrying that he takes no "blame". Not that there has to be blame as such but surely he must feel some responsibility for his choices and decisions?

You don't see the whole person after only a few months. Infatuation is a very strong feeling but it can die quickly. Give yourself more time and wait to see how this develops.

ittakes2 · 09/04/2021 08:37

I am sorry but it sounds like he is love bombing you. He’s going the through a messy divorce and is all gushing towards you at his age - red flag to me. I am not saying he doesn’t like you but you must also be a welcome distraction from his divorce. You would think after a messy divorce he would want to take all new relationships he thought had long term potential slow to avoid another messy divorce. Sorry.

Fireflygal · 09/04/2021 09:10

Is it possible his ex is a crazy bitch? Yes
Is it possible -he's lying about her/
he was abusive? Also yes

Just amending this.

Op, please take on board some of the comments. Most of us have learned through experience before MN existed. A man who denigrates the mother of his child to this extent WILL do the same to you. Was he totally a Saint in this relationship? He did nothing wrong and just tolerated this crazy Ex? A person who absorbed all of her behaviour would not be telling you (practically a stranger to him) about her. He has smeared her so that if she ever manages to talk to you then you won't believe her side of the story.

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 09/04/2021 09:21

With regard to the ex is my seems like
he didn’t want a child so she gave him an ultimatum, “I want a child or we break up”, I think this is fair enough, as it has to go one way or another and he had the choice to leave at that point and she could have looked for someone else who wanted a child.
He chose to stay and when she has had a child & has a young baby then he has taken over running her business and she has been doing 100% babycsre. I have a business and there’s no maternity leave, you can see the workload issue.
It just doesn’t bode well for when you introduce your children into the mix, he might be a very uninvolved step parent and expect you to do all the parenting of his child half the week.
He is also resentful of giving back HER business, the business he temporarily took over while she was looking after his baby and her means to make a living. It’s probably on her name and he has no choice, did he really think he could walk away with it?

Sarahlou63 · 09/04/2021 09:34

Run a check on the business - www.gov.uk/get-information-about-a-company

Boopthesnoot1 · 09/04/2021 09:35

A nice guy won't talk about his ex like this, especially not to a brand new girlfriend.

SnowAllSpring · 09/04/2021 09:40

I'm hoping that your use of 'supposedly' means that you do really, on some level, see through this giant steaming pile of horse shit.

UniversitySerf · 09/04/2021 10:05

What a story, I know truth can be stranger than fiction but it’s far fetched. Plus what if it was true who would want to tether themselves to that amount of crap.

Branleuse · 09/04/2021 10:08

this is so common after a long relationship that went wrong. It could last or it might not. Dont make any big decisions or move in. Just try and enjoy it for what it is

Itsalwayssunnyin · 09/04/2021 10:26

Anyone who goes over board with the ‘crazy ex’ story early on is such a red flag. He has a child with this woman and I find it disrespectful to his child that he’s basically saying he was forced in to having a child. What does that say about this mans boundaries if that is true?

The thing is this - my ex is not nice and is emotionally abusive. However, he is my daughters father. I would not divulge the struggles of our relationship to that degree to someone I have known for a few months. People with strong and healthy boundaries don’t act that way.

Flip

1 2 3