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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I not lose my shit

75 replies

Zac143 · 08/04/2021 10:41

I dont even know where to start.

The other day OH had left the key in the door, so when I went to put mine in the front to open it wouldnt open. I was locked out with LO outside, knocking and phoning him but no answer. I knew he was definitely inside and had probably fallen asleep, as usual. Also his car was still on the drive.

He had rang me earlier 6 times within a space of 10 mins, I hadnt noticed as LO had my phone. Anyway I started getting more anxious and started thinking has he locked us out because I didn't answer. By then we had been locked out for around 45 mins. LO was getting fussy and I was getting teary. I started to think all sorts and thought I'd call his work to ask if he was there, even though his car was on the drive. I called and they said no he wasn't there, and asked why. I briefly said I was locked out with LO.

Long story short ended up getting inside my home very late. I was incredibly annoyed at OH and made it known. I told him I had to even call his work. He was so pissed off that I had done this, and said if you have I will quit. I explained to him why I did, even then I dont think he believed that I called. He kept saying if you have I will leave my job. Since then he has agreed to go and do overtime and has gone in today. About 10 mins ago I get a message saying I told you i will quit, I'm doing my last shift, you need to find another job. I have a full time job, contribute financially and do all the cooking and cleaning.

I haven't messaged back but how do I approach this without a full blown argument in front of LO when he comes home.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 08/04/2021 10:47

Why did he ring you 6 times in 10 minutes? I’d assume my husband was dying if that happened.

Also you knew he was in the house and asleep; seems annoying but you’ve overreacted here by calling his work when you knew he wasn’t there. He’s overreacting as well saying he’s going to quit his job. Sounds like a very unhealthy relationship

BrutusMcDogface · 08/04/2021 10:49

Bloody hell. What an absolute raving arsehole! Wtf is wrong with him?!

BrutusMcDogface · 08/04/2021 10:49

I can sort of understand calling his work in desperation, to be honest. What else could she have done? Smashed a window?

Wurrg · 08/04/2021 10:51

Seems like he wanted an excuse to leave his job.

What do you get out of your relationship?

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/04/2021 10:52

I’m assuming there’s an enormous backstory and your relationship is struggling / miserable far more broadly? Why are you together?

Original poster
Zac143 · 08/04/2021 10:52

This is exactly why I called, I started to think what if he was dying or something. So thought I'd eliminate all that places he would be before I have to do something like call emergency services

OP posts:
Nowstrong · 08/04/2021 10:52

I wouldn't find another job, but seriously start looking for another OH.

justanotherneighinparadise · 08/04/2021 10:53

I can sense a HUGE backstory.

AgentJohnson · 08/04/2021 10:53

How do you approach this? By first deciding if this is the type of person and behaviour you want to accept. Rather than apologise, he has opted to bully and threaten you and I suspect that his belligerence isn’t a recent development.

You could scream and shout or cry in frustration but neither of these things will move him because he’s given himself permission to be an arsehole and only he can stop being one.

This who he is, only you can decide if you’re worth more.

Anonapuss · 08/04/2021 10:54

I think this is the tip of the iceberg based on your last sentance in your OP. Perhaps the straw that is breaking the camels back?

Find your anger and kick him to the kerb. Youre better off without this entitled lazy man-child.

funnylittlefloozie · 08/04/2021 10:54

Wait until the kids are in bed, then have your conversation. Personally I wouldn't even bother with a conversation- this is the sort of stupid mind-game my exH would play, and I will NEVER play them again.

roarfeckingroarr · 08/04/2021 10:54

This isn't normal

Shmithecat2 · 08/04/2021 10:54

I'd be leaving my key in the door so he couldn't get back in, ever. What an arsehole.

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/04/2021 10:55

Because if DP left his key in the door and fell asleep I’d be somewhat frustrated but consider it just one of those mistakes that happens sometimes. And his response if I ever called his employer wouldn’t be to quit his job out of spite. It seems like him quitting his job is just another feature in a relationship you’d probably be better off thinking about ending for both of your sakes (plus your DC’s.)

Carryonlikeaporkchop · 08/04/2021 10:55

There was a very similar post a few days ago about being locked out with a child. Was that you?

TJ17 · 08/04/2021 10:55

How do you approach it without a full blown argument? Why would an argument be your first concern? Sounds like you're worried about him being annoyed at you when it should be the other way around.
Is he always this emotionally manipulative and abusive?!

RabbiTouch · 08/04/2021 10:56

I'm another one wondering what good things YOU get out of the relationship. Does he always call the shots?

Original poster
Zac143 · 08/04/2021 10:56

@ComtesseDeSpair
Yeh there is a enormous backstory.

I have more to lose than gain.

OP posts:
TJ17 · 08/04/2021 10:57

I always get flamed for this on these threads and I say this a lot but LTB I really don't have much more else to say on these kind of partners...

I wouldn't stand for it but then everyone is different.

TJ17 · 08/04/2021 10:58

[quote Zac143]@ComtesseDeSpair
Yeh there is a enormous backstory.

I have more to lose than gain.[/quote]
Trouble is, he clearly knows this. And that's why he will always treat you like shit.

I'd rather lose it all than live like that

Wanderlusto · 08/04/2021 11:04

So...where the fuck was he?

You were the one with the right to be mad and he turned it round on you!

I agree with pp, sounds like he was looking to leave his job and illostrated this while thing in order to blame you for it. Either way though he is a nasty piece of work.

Tell him he can fuck off and that his rash behaviour is neither your fault nor your problem anymore. Not your circus, not your markets as the saying goes. Kick his ass out.

Wanderlusto · 08/04/2021 11:04

*monkies

Wanderlusto · 08/04/2021 11:07

And op, I would happily lose absolutely fucking every possession I had than continue to have a man like him in my life.

You'll get child support and any benefits you're entitled to when you leave him so it's not as if you wont be able to get by. It'll be inconvenient for a time but so what? Freedom from wankers and teaching your child that women should never stay with manipulative shitehead is worth a little inconvenience!

LavenderEast · 08/04/2021 11:11

This sounds like a very unhealthy and emotionally abusive relationship. To behave the way your partner has is not normal at all and you over reacting and calling his work when you knew he was in the house but being a tit is also not normal.

What do both of you get out of this relationship as it does not sound very living or supportive.
If he wants to leave his job that is his choice but you then need to make the choice to stay with the I overgrown man baby or wise up and show your child what a good role model you are and that this sort of behaviour should not be tolerated

TJ17 · 08/04/2021 11:13

If what you're worried about losing is financial stability sounds like you're going to lose that anyway as the immature twat has gone and quit his job in a strop...

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