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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I not lose my shit

75 replies

Zac143 · 08/04/2021 10:41

I dont even know where to start.

The other day OH had left the key in the door, so when I went to put mine in the front to open it wouldnt open. I was locked out with LO outside, knocking and phoning him but no answer. I knew he was definitely inside and had probably fallen asleep, as usual. Also his car was still on the drive.

He had rang me earlier 6 times within a space of 10 mins, I hadnt noticed as LO had my phone. Anyway I started getting more anxious and started thinking has he locked us out because I didn't answer. By then we had been locked out for around 45 mins. LO was getting fussy and I was getting teary. I started to think all sorts and thought I'd call his work to ask if he was there, even though his car was on the drive. I called and they said no he wasn't there, and asked why. I briefly said I was locked out with LO.

Long story short ended up getting inside my home very late. I was incredibly annoyed at OH and made it known. I told him I had to even call his work. He was so pissed off that I had done this, and said if you have I will quit. I explained to him why I did, even then I dont think he believed that I called. He kept saying if you have I will leave my job. Since then he has agreed to go and do overtime and has gone in today. About 10 mins ago I get a message saying I told you i will quit, I'm doing my last shift, you need to find another job. I have a full time job, contribute financially and do all the cooking and cleaning.

I haven't messaged back but how do I approach this without a full blown argument in front of LO when he comes home.

OP posts:

category12 · 08/04/2021 12:10

Sounds like you're in an abusive relationship.

One course of action might be to go into refuge and sort out everything from there. Speak to Women's Aid and start making your exit plan. you and your dc have more to lose staying in an abusive situation than you do leaving.

Wanderlusto · 08/04/2021 12:10

@Magnificentmug12

I’d be a bit funny about you calling my work if I’m honest, that’s like a massive overstep of a boundary. A wife calling for her husband at work and him not being there looks terrible!

...it really doesn't. If you're worried because your husband is missing then why is it a big deal to call his work and ask if he is there? What boundary is that overstepping exactly?

Fair enough if she did it every time she couldn't find him or if she implied he had told her he was still at work but she didnt believe it. THAT would look bad. But as is it's a non issue.

Carryonlikeaporkchop · 08/04/2021 12:11

That DH was working from home, the op could see him on the phone, he just refused to leave his call to let her and the DCs in

The DH in this post was also WFH and was in the house with the key in the door so that OP couldn't get in.

DioneTheDiabolist · 08/04/2021 12:12

OP, I think on this occasion you really do need to lose your shit at your OH for locking you and your child out of the house and for being a total dick about his job.

CapricornRising · 08/04/2021 12:14

OP, whatever you have to lose by leaving this person, you have a far better chance of not losing the most precious things - your sanity and your child's mental wellbeing - AWAY from him.

Whatwouldscullydo · 08/04/2021 12:20

This is weird. If he wasn't home the key would not have been in the door would it? As he'd have his keys and he'd not have been able to lock the door. So what's with all the thoughts of calling work and.lokuce etc ?

This is awfully similar to another thread. Was that you ?

He did it on purpose. You absolutely need to lose your shit . Don't protect the dick. It's not on you to manage your behaviour. Be angry.

Leavethedooropen · 08/04/2021 12:20

Are you the same poster whose dh did this and your dd had to go to the toilet in the garden?

What a horrible man you are married to whether it is or isn’t.

I don’t get why he’s giving up his job over it. Call his bluff and let him get on with it. Long term, get out of there.

notalwaysalondoner · 08/04/2021 12:33

Get a loud doorbell is one immediate solution - knocking is barely audible let alone if someone is asleep. But that won't solve the real issues that are clearly there... it's not normal to quit (or threaten to quit) your job because your partner calls to check if you are there. At most you might ask them politely not to do that again as it's not very professional.

anunexaminedlife · 08/04/2021 12:34

I don't know why you would try not to lose your shit. You need to try to lose your shit.

WisnaeMe · 08/04/2021 12:40

@Leavethedooropen

Are you the same poster whose dh did this and your dd had to go to the toilet in the garden?

What a horrible man you are married to whether it is or isn’t.

I don’t get why he’s giving up his job over it. Call his bluff and let him get on with it. Long term, get out of there.

it sounds like the same Poster 🤔

why start another Thread though 😳

Wanderlusto · 08/04/2021 12:45

Maybe to change some details to see if we still told her the same things. If it is the same poster though then would be at least the third time her partner had locked her out.

Singlenotsingle · 08/04/2021 13:05

It looks like the Dp is doing it on purpose! What's he up to? Either he's up to no good, or he's trying to make it impossible for OP to live there. Now he's resigning his job! Wtf?

Carryonlikeaporkchop · 08/04/2021 13:21

It looks like the Dp is doing it on purpose

No shit!

BlackMarauder · 08/04/2021 13:32

@Zac143 Answer me this. What exactly are you clinging to with this man? Do you have low self esteem or history of abusive relationships? Is that why you think its okay to raise a child in this toxic relationship? Even if you don't believe you deserve better, your innocent child does. You risk permanent damage to your DC the longer you stay.

BlackMarauder · 08/04/2021 13:37

why start another Thread though

@WisnaeMe Because some OPs don't actually want help to change their situation. They just want to vent.

Alfiemoon1 · 08/04/2021 13:52

There was a very similar thread a few days ago but that mentioned the op could see he was on a call in the house but kept her waiting until he had finished

WisnaeMe · 08/04/2021 13:53

@BlackMarauder

why start another Thread though

@WisnaeMe Because some OPs don't actually want help to change their situation. They just want to vent.

yip.. Im realising this.. 🌸

Cherrysoup · 08/04/2021 15:32

Honestly, what do you have to lose by ditching this idiot? You work full time, you might get benefits. Is this honestly how you want your child to grow up?

StarsonaString · 08/04/2021 16:55

@BlackMarauder

why start another Thread though

@WisnaeMe Because some OPs don't actually want help to change their situation. They just want to vent.

Its clearly not the same poster as the last poster's DH worked from home and could be seen working from the garden.

WisnaeMe · 08/04/2021 17:03

Its clearly not the same poster as the last poster's DH worked from home and could be seen working from the garden.

that's worse...

Two women are experiencing this behaviour ... not good 🌸

WisnaeMe · 08/04/2021 17:05

Actually...

perhaps someone could Link the other Thread, I can't recall the Name, so OP could read the advice.

Just a thought 🌸

CandyLeBonBon · 08/04/2021 17:06

@Carryonlikeaporkchop

There was a very similar post a few days ago about being locked out with a child. Was that you?

I thought similar

UhtredRagnarson · 08/04/2021 17:07

Sounds like a toddler. Don’t have romantic relationships with toddlers. Tell him to find somewhere else to live starting now.

LannieDuck · 08/04/2021 19:14

Quite aside from everything else, why do you do all the cooking and cleaning when you both have FT jobs?

I agree with a PP - if he's now not working, he gets to do 100% of the housework and childcare (during working hours).

LannieDuck · 08/04/2021 19:16

you need to find another job

I don't understand why you need to find another job OP? You have a FT one. He's the one who needs to find a new job if he's just quit.

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