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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I not lose my shit

75 replies

Zac143 · 08/04/2021 10:41

I dont even know where to start.

The other day OH had left the key in the door, so when I went to put mine in the front to open it wouldnt open. I was locked out with LO outside, knocking and phoning him but no answer. I knew he was definitely inside and had probably fallen asleep, as usual. Also his car was still on the drive.

He had rang me earlier 6 times within a space of 10 mins, I hadnt noticed as LO had my phone. Anyway I started getting more anxious and started thinking has he locked us out because I didn't answer. By then we had been locked out for around 45 mins. LO was getting fussy and I was getting teary. I started to think all sorts and thought I'd call his work to ask if he was there, even though his car was on the drive. I called and they said no he wasn't there, and asked why. I briefly said I was locked out with LO.

Long story short ended up getting inside my home very late. I was incredibly annoyed at OH and made it known. I told him I had to even call his work. He was so pissed off that I had done this, and said if you have I will quit. I explained to him why I did, even then I dont think he believed that I called. He kept saying if you have I will leave my job. Since then he has agreed to go and do overtime and has gone in today. About 10 mins ago I get a message saying I told you i will quit, I'm doing my last shift, you need to find another job. I have a full time job, contribute financially and do all the cooking and cleaning.

I haven't messaged back but how do I approach this without a full blown argument in front of LO when he comes home.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 08/04/2021 11:15

He's a bully

Wanderlusto · 08/04/2021 11:15

You could tell him he will be doing the childcare from now on then seen as he isn't working. And the majority of the housework. He'll soon find a job again if you hold him to that.

Not that he's worth spending another second of your life with though.

MadeForThis · 08/04/2021 11:16

Was he awake inside and punishing you for not answering your phone?

Wanderlusto · 08/04/2021 11:17

..also, most places require a notice period of one month. Are you sure he wasnt already fired/hadn't already quit?

harknesswitch · 08/04/2021 11:21

Was he awake inside and punishing you for not answering your phone?

That was my first thought

CloudFormations · 08/04/2021 11:22

D U M P
T H E
A B U S I V E
C U N T

Original poster
Zac143 · 08/04/2021 11:24

@MadeForThis
I wouldn't put it past him

OP posts:
OldEvilOwl · 08/04/2021 11:25

Was he asleep? How did you get in in the end? Why did he ring you 6 times? So many unanswered questions here. He sounds like a prick though, a childish one at that

Insomnia5 · 08/04/2021 11:27

He’s an abusive shit. Why are you with him? Why is it you trying to avoid an argument?

IsolaPribby · 08/04/2021 11:29

So was he supposed to be at work at the time? Is that why he was annoyed that you called there?

Original poster
Zac143 · 08/04/2021 11:33

@Wanderlusto, strange you mention notice.
Yesterday he was on a call, I asked who it was after. He mentioned a part time job, but this was in addition to the job he already has. But actually now that I think about it

OP posts:
OnwardsAndSideways1 · 08/04/2021 11:33

How have you got more to lose than gain?

Money-wise, you can claim benefits, not ideal but will tide you over for now.

Not living with an emotionally abusive twat is definitely a gain.

You may be right that you have a lot to lose, it's not visible from the outside though.

I can't imagine a sane nice man just quitting work like this to punish someone else.

You really can't live like this OP, but I suspect you know that already and are coming to terms with it in your own time.

Original poster
Zac143 · 08/04/2021 11:37

@OldEvilOwl
As much I'd love to say everything and take all crap that is filling my head with anxiety, I think it would be too outing.

I have spent the past few days sorting out the mess created by this situation.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/04/2021 11:38

@OnwardsAndSideways1

How have you got more to lose than gain?

Money-wise, you can claim benefits, not ideal but will tide you over for now.

Not living with an emotionally abusive twat is definitely a gain.

You may be right that you have a lot to lose, it's not visible from the outside though.

I can't imagine a sane nice man just quitting work like this to punish someone else.

You really can't live like this OP, but I suspect you know that already and are coming to terms with it in your own time.

This.

And your child not having to grow up in an abusive home with parents who have such an unhealthy dynamic would be a pretty big gain too, would it not?

autumnalrain · 08/04/2021 11:39

You said you knew he was ‘definitely inside’ so why did you call his work? You’re kinda contradicting yourself. I suspect you might have done it out of spite and he sensed that and that’s why he’s annoyed.

As for his behaviour , it’s totally OTT for him to quit over that and shows he will go to great lengths to prove a point.

Overall, you both sound immature and that you’re doing things to the other out of spite. There’s clearly no love or respect here and the marriage is over.

AliceMcK · 08/04/2021 11:41

@Carryonlikeaporkchop

There was a very similar post a few days ago about being locked out with a child. Was that you?
That DH was working from home, the op could see him on the phone, he just refused to leave his call to let her and the DCs in.
EffOffCovid · 08/04/2021 11:41

You don't need this. How awful for you OP. That would be some thing I could not put up with. He sounds like a complete arsehole.

Original poster
Zac143 · 08/04/2021 11:49

@autumnalrain
I understand why you would think I was contradicting myself however, like I said previously I wanted to eliminate the places that I know he would be, the other alternative would be to call the police. Then I'd get 101 that I'd have to answer to.
I called as a last resort and not out of spite, I tried to limit what I told his colleague so I dont make him look like a twat.

I wouldn't say I was immature naive maybe.

OP posts:
TheMayQueen · 08/04/2021 11:55

Is the house rented or owned?

RabbiTouch · 08/04/2021 12:00

Zac, you say you have more to lose than to gain if you ended the relationship but do you not think a life without his control and all the drama would be preferable? Imagine being able to relax and do your own thing, does that not sound like a better option than wasting the rest of your life with this 'man'? There is help for you Flowers

Shoxfordian · 08/04/2021 12:01

If you thought he was asleep then calling the police would have been ridiculous

Magnificentmug12 · 08/04/2021 12:04

I’d be a bit funny about you calling my work if I’m honest, that’s like a massive overstep of a boundary. A wife calling for her husband at work and him not being there looks terrible!

Sssloou · 08/04/2021 12:07

If you don’t give details you won’t be outed. The usual issues are:

Cock-lodging
Smoking weed
Problematic drinking
Gambling
Laziness in the home (aka misogyny)
Sex stuff - harassment, porn, affairs
Financial abuse
Coercive control
Emotional violence
Physical violence

Have I missed anything - is it something else?

The solution to any and all of the above is to leave. It always gets progressively worse - it never gets better.

Loss vs gain - depends what you are measuring.

What are you gaining in your MH, sanity, certainty and opportunities for joy by staying?

What childhood, emotional development and security is your DC gaining by staying. What character, chronic anxieties and behaviour issues will they gain in a fractious household?

Everyone needs to live in a calm and peaceful home where kindness and respect are the core. Anything less leaves a long painful scar.

VettiyaIruken · 08/04/2021 12:08

What do you have to lose that is more important than getting you and your child out of this situation? Is there anything that could be changed so that getting out matters more?

Ohdoleavemealone · 08/04/2021 12:09

This is abuse OP.

You need to leave him.