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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does your partner do this

86 replies

Utterlybutterly1 · 06/04/2021 18:47

Dp went to friends house for drinks early evening on Saturday, stayed the night and didn't arrive home to after 6pm on Sunday. Is this normal behaviour for men with partners and children?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/04/2021 20:45

@Utterlybutterly1

Said he would be angry too. The thing is a dc wasn't very well and I said i would take dc to a&e if there wasn't an improvement. Dp didn't bother to check in at all to see if dc needed to go to a&e or if there was any improvement.
He doesn't give a fuck, does he?

I hate this because for some reason women have been taught to question whether they are unreasonable when a partner they live with and have children with goes AWOL until later the following day.

I don't know any women with kids who would go out and not come home until 6pm the following day because they'd been out on the piss. If they did so, they would be called shit mums and people would be shocked. Let alone if their child at home was ill.

Yet men with kids do this and society thinks well they have a penis, they obviously can't help it?

Ugh. I'm too old for all this and I'm only 34. OP - you are not being unreasonable to think he behaved like a selfish prick and it's indicative he doesn't really give much of a fuck AND is so arrogant he has form for it.

Livpool · 06/04/2021 20:46

Just seen OP's update - I think you made the right decision

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/04/2021 20:49

@Utterlybutterly1

Well he no longer lives here.

This has happened all too often and along with other issues between us this was the last straw.

I missed this. Well that's a pretty bloody big back story to be fair OP! If he doesn't live with you then it's not that he didn't come 'home' to you. All a bit different now that info is available...
youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/04/2021 20:51

I'm so confused. So he doesn't live with you any more, but you're still in a relationship?

If so - end it. Why are you wasting your time and energy pursuing and maintaining a relationship with this man rather than you both admitting it didn't work out, agreeing to focus on coparenting the kids involved rather than on your romantic relationship?

Dizzy1234 · 06/04/2021 20:52

No, mine goes out with his friends a couple of times a year so can't keep up with their alcohol consumption, I usually get a phone call to pick him up 🙄, once he was 26 miles away, they decided to get on a train, I used find my friends app to locate him, he was a very sorry chap the next day 😂
If he stayed out all night he wouldn't be getting back in

Original poster
Utterlybutterly1 · 06/04/2021 21:05

@youvegottenminuteslynn
No we're not still in a relationship I ended it and asked him to move out as I've had enough and when bars etc open again it would only continue.

OP posts:
Original poster
Utterlybutterly1 · 06/04/2021 21:07

@youvegottenminuteslynn

No we're not still in a relationship I ended it and asked him to move out as I've had enough and when bars etc open again it would only continue.

OP posts:
Bluebirdhumming · 06/04/2021 21:10

I'm sorry OP.

Well done for ending it, without sounding patronising. I hope you've got real life support.

My exDH used to do this regularly. Often I would be told "I'm going out with Work" an hour or so beforehand and I'd know to count him out of family life for the next few days. It's definitely not normal behaviour from a normal parent.

Surfer1977 · 07/04/2021 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Washingtofold · 07/04/2021 09:08

Fuck that. No I wouldn’t be putting up with that either

Washingtofold · 07/04/2021 09:09

You do sound like a strong women and I’m sure you will feel much happier not dealing with that

Original poster
Utterlybutterly1 · 07/04/2021 16:29

Is this really a good enough reason to end things? I am beginning to have doubts now.

OP posts:
southern82 · 07/04/2021 16:44

My EH used to do this. He would say he would home around 1am and then turn up the next day in the afternoon or sometimes a week later. It used to really stress me out, I couldn't cope with it at all and I was scared to get upset about it because he would disappear again.
My EH is in the royal navy so always had somewhere else to sleep. It was so disrespectful. Thank god I got rid of him

Beforeiwasrichandfamous · 07/04/2021 16:48

Why don't you do it and see what he says/does?

Immature tit-for-tat I know.

TristantheTyrannosaurus · 07/04/2021 16:49

No

HollysBush · 07/04/2021 16:56

My DH used to work in a pub( I. His 20s, we had 2 little ones) and would go back to a friends to drink and chat after shift. He’d come in 2-3am sometimes, I’m a really good sleeper so didn’t really bother me.
One morning I woke at 6am, broad daylight, no sign of him and was so worried. He’d fallen asleep and got back about 10am but he NEVER did it again. He was so appologetic.

Bluntness100 · 07/04/2021 16:58

@Utterlybutterly1

Is this really a good enough reason to end things? I am beginning to have doubts now.
You can’t seriously be having doubts? Trust me it’s not normal it’s shitty and disrespectful. You’ve thrown him back, keep it that way, go fishing for a normal one.
BrownEyedGirl80 · 07/04/2021 17:03

No.Dh went to his mates a few years ago to watch boxing which didn't start til the early hours.He texted or rung to say he was stopping over and he came back the next morning.It was a total one off but if he hadn't got in touch I'd have gone ballistic tbh.

pog100 · 07/04/2021 17:07

Yes it's a good enough reason because it's a symbol of total lack of respect for you and your relationship. He is behaving like a single man, he needs to be single

Original poster
Utterlybutterly1 · 07/04/2021 17:11

On top of what I've already said, there has been no commitment from him, yes we lived together but we rented our house. I wanted to save for mortgage and asked if he would too, he said he would but a year later he still hadn't put anything away in savings. Getting married was never mentioned.

I will probably struggle to move on as I have no friends to meet up with or go out with. The one friend I did have we have lost contact. I know this makes me sound so sad that I have no friends.

OP posts:
pog100 · 07/04/2021 17:24

It's very common to lose friends when you are in the middle of a busy life particularly with no support from your partner. Don't worry for a while, then when things open up a bit reach out online and into real life. It takes time.

Amdone123 · 07/04/2021 18:21

@Utterlybutterly1, you have done the right thing op. Yes, it will be difficult to move on, but you can do it. Better off being a bit lonely than being treated like a doormat. It will get better for you, and now you've freed yourself up to meeting someone who has the same goals, but most importantly, can treat you with respect.

5128gap · 07/04/2021 18:31

Its actually really common OP. There are posts about it all the time and most people I know have had it happen.
This is not a sign it's ok and you should put up with it, it's just a sign of how many men either can't control their drinking, or feel they can do as they please.
Well done for being so firm and decisive and all the best for your new start.

Perdyboo · 07/04/2021 18:52

Take care OP. You have done the right thing. What he did was outrageous- that you know it would happen again with the bars open means that he would expect you to tolerate it. That’s no life - you and your kids deserve more.
I suspect there is loads more (that you don’t have to tell us) and this is just a cherry on the cake thing. Be strong. Easier said than done I know, but you can xxx

Operasinger · 07/04/2021 18:55

NO

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