Does your partner do this

[Utterlybutterly1]

Dp went to friends house for drinks early evening on Saturday, stayed the night and didn't arrive home to after 6pm on Sunday. Is this normal behaviour for men with partners and children?

My DP would never do this and knows I wouldn't put up with such behaviour! I think unless it's a prior agreed arrangement it's well out of order.

What would he say if you did it ?

Nope, this is not ok. Not unless previously agreed between you for something like a party etc!

Said he would be angry too. The thing is a dc wasn't very well and I said i would take dc to a&e if there wasn't an improvement. Dp didn't bother to check in at all to see if dc needed to go to a&e or if there was any improvement.

Wow! He really doesn't give a shit, does he?

Nope, not ok. Really disrespectful

Well he wouldn't have a home to come back to and after your latest update, he'd definitely be out on his arse, he clearly doesn't give a shit

@Goatsgetmygoat

Sounds like drugs were involved

Did you read posts no one else did 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

The bloke is clearly a shite but don’t make stuff up!

No.

Not my DH nor any of my friend's DH's or DP's.

I don't know anyone that would do this.

So what did you say to him ?

Depends on the person surely?

DH is a homebody and does more than his share of parenting, I’m always encouraging him to take time for himself and maintain friendships too. So if he was off to see a friend for drinks I’d be happily encouraging him to stay the night and we’d openly discuss what time to expect him back the next day. If we had plans we’d say so and he’d be home at an agreed time. If we didn’t and I was happy with him spending the time with his friend I’d say so and be fine with him being gone 24hr. Same the other way around, we both need time to ourselves and with friends.

If there’s no backstory then I find it weird neither of you mentioned whether it was or wasn’t going to be a sleepover or what time it would go onto the next day. Were you silently assuming he’d be back at a set time and then fuming when he wasn’t? Did he know he would be gone for so long and just not think to say? If there’s no backstory then I’m guessing he is a good partner and father and doesn’t stay out for ages often? In which case communicate better next time. But what he did isn’t wrong in itself. You can be married with kids and still make time to maintain and enjoy other friendships and fun and time away.

Okay the DC being sick changes things. In that scenario we’d both ask the person staying at home if it was still okay to go or should we both stay home. If he wasn’t going far I’d be like yeah, go, and if DC gets worse I’ll call you to come back so don’t drink. Seems odd he didn’t check in, but again did you bother to message him to let him know how DC was doing?

It all sounds weirdly adversarial and hostile between you both. How are things in general in your relationship?

Well he no longer lives here.

This has happened all too often and along with other issues between us this was the last straw.

“No back story”

“He no longer lives here”

sounds like there’s a pretty big back story tbh... might have been useful to include it in your OP for more relevant advice.

Apologies, I focused on the ‘no back story’ bit and missed that you said he did it often. But still there are a lot of questions unanswered here as to whether it’s something that’s ‘normal’ or not: it’s difficult with such scant info.

But if you’ve split up and aren’t living together I’m guessing it’s no longer your business as long as he’s coparenting equally.

If it happens often and you haven't said to him that its unacceptable then how would he know?

In answer to your question I wouldn’t stand for it, absolutely no need for an adult to stay out overnight due to drinking when the other person is at home with children!

No...I'd be really fecking angry

I had no issue with him going, or staying over but staying away all day I was cross at, not checking in too see how things were, i was cross at but at the same time not hearing from him at all had me worried.

Back ground story is bills etc he needs reminding about, he needs to be ask to pull his weight with dc, he has on occasions got up at 10 or 11pm to go out drinking and leaving me to it with no previous arrangements made. He has stayed out like this before.

So did you break up over this incident? Whose decision?

I wouldn't find that acceptable when j have kids with someone, no.

I'm given notice and he generally comes back late that night/in early hours. He doesn't leave me to do everything til evening the next day either.

What would really make it even more unacceptable to me is the sick child, possibility of a&e visit though - in those circumstances he'd probably cancel. If he didn't (v unlikely) he'd definitely check in. He checks in even when there's nothing like that (is checks myself and child are ok/everything's ok).

Any decent partner & parent would, imo.

He sounds pretty selfish and irresponsible. He's taking the piss staying away til.6 in the evening, on top of the night out/in ... Especially with the sick child issue.

@Utterlybutterly1

I'm sorry this is happening to you.I've there too with my DH disappearing go his friends house for 24 hours or so several nights a month.He'd disappear off the face of the earth for that time and myself and our kids wouldn't hear from him.

He is no longer friends with these friends anymore;tbh they are toxic people who are embroiled in toxic things.It took a course of counselling and a huge reality check to see that this friendship was hurting his other relationships.

Tbh I was always really worried that when he disappeared that he was up to something dodgy;women/alcohol abuse/drugs........

He swears that there wasn't any of the above and I'd like to believe him but I don't know if I'll ever be 100% secure that none of that happened.

We've had to move forward otherwise it would have destroyed our marriage.

he needs to be ask to pull his weight with dc, he has on occasions got up at 10 or 11pm to go out drinking and leaving me to it with no previous arrangements made. He has stayed out like this before.

Yeah; selfish, irresponsible, piss taker.

You've got what I call a "married bachelor" there.

To me it's unacceptable behaviour for a family man.

Unequal burden put on you for kids etc.

Annoying thing is if you follow through on split he'll get away with even more and will be s not even part-time Disney dad. But at least you won't be doing all his wife work for him as well.

My DH has never done this - and I don't know anyone else who has either