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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to remove this rod

71 replies

MinionLady · 06/04/2021 11:07

I know I have made a rod for my own back, I just need support or maybe a hand hold.
My relationship with partner feels more like mother duties than an actual partnership. He's got no motivation no aspirations in life. No job no goals. I provide everything. He won't even wash or brush his teeth. Lazy, all day gamer. No concept of responsibility. I bet he wouldn't know what time the kids have to get up for school. I've tried to support him, got him id to look for jobs, asking around for jobs which he quit after 2 weeks, got him new clothes to make him feel better in himself, I've included him to come on holidays, I've been his emotional rock when he's been in bad times. I feel like all I've done is try and help this person yet all I've done is made a rod for my own back and now he's reliant on me.
I feel like I'm being taken for granted, mentally exhausted by it all. Even when I've told him enough is enough he has to leave, it's a pity party for him. I've left also for a few days but I couldn't live with myself without the kids knowing he can't support them. I can't leave with them as I can't afford private housing I'm currently with council and rent is cheaper than alternative.
Above all else he makes me feel unloved at times, he can speak to us all like shit, throw temper tantrums and break things, and not acknowledge we are here. Issues when I see friends and family (precovid), condescending comments and is passive aggressive.
My life is spiralling out of control and I have no clue what to do as I've tried making him leave, me leaving etc. I feel lost. Thanks for letting me rant

OP posts:
itbemay1 · 06/04/2021 11:08

Get rid of him. He sounds awful OP sorry, you sound lovely like you have tried. You'll be better without him there.

BertieBotts · 06/04/2021 11:09

Dump the partner!

Whose name is the tenancy agreement in? If it's just yours you can change the locks or just inform him he needs to be out by X date and if he does not leave you will call the police.

If in joint names it would be more tricky and of course if it's in his name then you would have to be the one to leave.

Mumoblue · 06/04/2021 11:13

Get rid of him. My ex was just like this and it just makes you feel like you’re banging your head against a brick wall. It’s better if you stop.
Don’t support him, don’t pick up after him, don’t buy him things. Put all your energy towards yourself and your kids.
Flowers
You will be happier and better off without him.

Original poster
MinionLady · 06/04/2021 11:20

Definitely feel like my head is banging off a brick wall

OP posts:
TheWaif · 06/04/2021 11:22

Just get rid! Have you got friends who can come over to back you up when asking him to leave?

TirisfalPumpkin · 06/04/2021 11:25

You seem to know you need to get rid of the man child. It’s a case of breaking down what needs to be done into small, achievable steps.

Are the two of you married? In whose name is the tenancy/house? That will help people give you relevant advice.

And hey, no judgement. These freeloaders often conceal their true colours until they have you trapped with kids or joint assets. Don’t stress about how you got into the situation, focus on getting out of it.

Original poster
MinionLady · 06/04/2021 11:30

The house is in my name, and we are not married, thank God I don't have to worry about that being an issue he could never afford a ring

OP posts:
SarahBellam · 06/04/2021 11:35

Oh, that makes things a lot easier. Pack all his stuff into bin liners and drop them off at his mum’s or his gamer friend’s. The minute he’s out the door change the locks. Talk to someone in real life to get help and support with this. You’re in the best position you could possibly be in to get rid of him.

TheWaif · 06/04/2021 11:36

So just tell him to leave? What's the issue when you do it?

Original poster
MinionLady · 06/04/2021 11:36

Often times I sit here and things he says pops in my head like 'this time next year will be better' 'I hate there are no opportunities for jobs' 'I want this and that when I earn my own money' it makes me laugh and cry to be honest

OP posts:
Original poster
MinionLady · 06/04/2021 11:39

He knows how to pull the heart strings, he has no where to go, his gamer friends are abroad or he doesn't know them personally. When I asked him to leave last time he spent the remaining day and night on the step in the front garden. I felt like I done him wrong like I was evil and selfish.

OP posts:
Ohpulltheotherone · 06/04/2021 11:43

OP you have given absolutely no reason in your post for you to stay with this person.

He sounds very messed up but it’s not your responsibility to fix him. He’s got such little respect for you and himself that he doesn’t even bother to wash.
He brings nothing to your life. He is slowly dragging you down to a place you may never recover from.
Tell him it is over and he has X time to find somewhere to go.
If he doesn’t leave by the given date then pack his shit up and change the locks.
He is not on the tenancy and you’re not married, he has no claim to your home.

Do you want the rest of your life to be like this? To waste decades on someone who doesn’t love you, respect you or like you? And treats your children badly too?

He is the problem but YOU are the one choosing to allow this to continue. Choose to stop.

LooseThreads · 06/04/2021 11:46

When I asked him to leave last time he spent the remaining day and night on the step in the front garden
Probably so he could still use the Wi-fi.

SpacePug · 06/04/2021 11:49

It's hard but it's not your problem he has nowhere to go. You've done more than enough for him, time for him to grow up and take some responsibility for himself. I think I'd say 48 hours until he has to leave your home. Good luck

Original poster
MinionLady · 06/04/2021 11:51

I find it harder everytime I try to talk to him about this, it's a constant emotional roller coaster, repeating myself, I need to find the balls to tell him right now but something is holding me back I don't know what

OP posts:
AmyLou100 · 06/04/2021 11:52

He is an adult so he is not your responsibility. Think of the example he is setting for your DC. He is emotionally blackmailing you. Give him a time frame to get his act together or leave. At least by then you can justify it to yourself because he is now guilting you.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 06/04/2021 11:57

Its not going to get any easier asking him to leave. You need to bite the bullet, do it and stick to it.

Once he is out the door, change the WiFi password or switch it off until he buggers off.

Seriously, you do not want to spend the rest of your days with this total waste of space. You'll be doing him a favour in the long run.

TheThermalStair · 06/04/2021 11:57

@MinionLady

I find it harder everytime I try to talk to him about this, it's a constant emotional roller coaster, repeating myself, I need to find the balls to tell him right now but something is holding me back I don't know what
What's holding you back is that he has TRAINED YOU to put him above yourself. Even the leaving and then sitting on the bloody doorstep, he's shown you you cannot get rid of him. Well, you can. You just need to unlearn what he's taught you. Get angry. Treat him like a sulky toddler - toddlers are about as self-sufficient as he is. If he has family, pack his stuff up and drop it off at their house. Change the locks. Await sulk. Withstand sulk. Win.

I wonder if, in your mind, you now can't imagine the "post P" life? Tell us some things that would be better for you and your children if he wasn't there.

LoudNowSing · 06/04/2021 12:00

Are your children his?

Longdistance · 06/04/2021 12:02

Don’t stay with him out of pity. He needs to go. He’s like a millstone round your neck.

MadreDios · 06/04/2021 12:04

Ask him to leave. Pack his bags. Put them outside. Change the locks. Call the police to move him off your step.

minmooch · 06/04/2021 12:10

Are the children his?

He sounds like a waster and a terrible role model for your children.

Time to pull up your big girl pants and get him out. What positives does he bring to the relationship?

MichelleofzeResistance · 06/04/2021 12:11

Had one of these. When I managed to separate, in huge fear of what would happen to them alone but knowing I couldn't do it any more, it was amazing how suddenly they found all sorts of self motivation and capacity to look after themselves that they'd never had when they could simply refuse to do anything and have me do it all. They did then do huge amounts of telling sympathetic services how evil I was, making up ridiculous fairystories to paint themselves as the misunderstood hero, and feeding back to me what the (well primed) services told them about what a monster I was. Whatever. The services sorted them out, I was free, win all round.

It took very clear boundaries and lines in the sand to get across that I was done, that no it wasn't negotiable, that no their not consenting to end the relationship wasn't relevant, and that dark threats about what they would do to themselves wasn't going to bring me into line. It was very hard, but it was worth it. Hang in there, be strong, you'll come out the other side. Flowers

gamerchick · 06/04/2021 12:11

I had one of these, he was incredibly hard to get rid of. Unfortunately you'll have to do it the hard way and ring the police to move him on when he doesn't move off the step. They'll signpost him to where he can get himself sorted.

category12 · 06/04/2021 12:12

Stiffen your spine and give him a deadline to move out. Where he goes is not your problem.

If he has literally no family or friends he can sofa-surf with, he can present as homeless to the council and they might put him into a hostel and hopefully that'll kick his arse into sorting his life out.

He's an adult man, it's time he stood on his own two feet.