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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to remove this rod

71 replies

MinionLady · 06/04/2021 11:07

I know I have made a rod for my own back, I just need support or maybe a hand hold.
My relationship with partner feels more like mother duties than an actual partnership. He's got no motivation no aspirations in life. No job no goals. I provide everything. He won't even wash or brush his teeth. Lazy, all day gamer. No concept of responsibility. I bet he wouldn't know what time the kids have to get up for school. I've tried to support him, got him id to look for jobs, asking around for jobs which he quit after 2 weeks, got him new clothes to make him feel better in himself, I've included him to come on holidays, I've been his emotional rock when he's been in bad times. I feel like all I've done is try and help this person yet all I've done is made a rod for my own back and now he's reliant on me.
I feel like I'm being taken for granted, mentally exhausted by it all. Even when I've told him enough is enough he has to leave, it's a pity party for him. I've left also for a few days but I couldn't live with myself without the kids knowing he can't support them. I can't leave with them as I can't afford private housing I'm currently with council and rent is cheaper than alternative.
Above all else he makes me feel unloved at times, he can speak to us all like shit, throw temper tantrums and break things, and not acknowledge we are here. Issues when I see friends and family (precovid), condescending comments and is passive aggressive.
My life is spiralling out of control and I have no clue what to do as I've tried making him leave, me leaving etc. I feel lost. Thanks for letting me rant

OP posts:
Mix56 · 06/04/2021 12:27

Do the Freedom programme. build yourself up, Do not listen to any sob story or promises to change...His actions show you it is all hot air.
Tell him its your house, you are not paying for his lazy arse any more.
Get keys back
Pack up gear,
Tell him to go, call Police if any hassle.
Block on every single phone & computer incl. DCs

Crimeismymiddlename · 06/04/2021 12:47

Just tell him to go, you are lucky enough to not be married to him, the house is in your sole name and he pays nothing into the household. You are, compared to a lot of women in a strong position. He sat on the doorstep until you let him in again, how pathetic that he did that, and how trained up you are to let him in. If he does it this time just call the police-he would be trespassing and causing a nuisance to both you and your neighbours. You need to get out of this mind set that he is your responsibility. He has, due to you passively enabling him chosen the fact he has no irl friends/job/money/life. That’s on him. He will bounce back soon enough, these saddos are such grifters when they need to be. Please just pull the plaster-how nice and pleasant will your life be once he has been evicted from your house/doorstep.

BertieBotts · 06/04/2021 12:48

You have to change your mindset in order not to feel responsible for him any more.

He can't just spend the night on your doorstep. That's trespassing and it's inappropriate for the children. He's only doing that so you will feel sorry for him and take him in again. In reality it is not your problem if he has nowhere to sleep. But I know that can be hard if you feel like you're the only person he has.

In reality he is responsible for himself, you are not. He could get a hotel, he could look for a house share, he could go to the council and present as homeless, he could go to a homeless shelter if he really has nowhere.

Where did he live before he moved in with you?

BertieBotts · 06/04/2021 12:49

It is not dangerously freezing overnight, so I think you need to convince yourself that it's his problem to solve!

Original poster
MinionLady · 06/04/2021 12:56

Yes, he does say a lot of times how he's grateful for what I do for him and how he has no one but me. It's hard. But it's days like this I want to snap, I ask him to go to the shop for milk etc while I do the chores he doesn't want to, and for a straight hour he will pace slowly get ready, message his gamer friends, the sit o toilet for 20 mins. But when he sees me ready to go instead he will moan this really grinds my gears. One less thing to 'nag' about when I finally ditch his arse

OP posts:
CatsHairEverywhere2 · 06/04/2021 13:02

Stop providing any financial support. He has to buy his own food, clothing, toiletries. Do not cook for him or include him in meals. He’ll be back living home with mummy before the day is up

Aussiebean · 06/04/2021 13:06

Pick a time when the kids can be at a friends house for a couple of nights and he is out for a few hours.

Pack his bags and change the locks. Put the bags by the front door and send him a message saying they are there.

If you don’t trust yourself not to cave, put a camera on the front door and go to a friends house, and turn off the WiFi or change the password. He can sit there for as long as he wants.

If he stays too long , contact the police.

MyOtherProfile · 06/04/2021 13:10

You are getting so little out of this relationship. Is it worth it to have a non paying lodger who you have to mother?

Time to close the door.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/04/2021 13:11

Good grief, op, enough already. Grow a backbone and kick him out. It's well past the point that you have to take responsibility for your own misery because you have allowed this to continue for so long. Set a good example for your children and get rid of him.

notapizzaeater · 06/04/2021 13:12

He's not your problem, surely he's family and if he hasn't there's always hostels

Bluntness100 · 06/04/2021 13:15

I don’t understand why you continue to be unhappy and complain about him when the answer is clearly obvious. End the relationship. Ask him to leave, even help him find someplace else, the council will home him if you evict and he is then homeless. There no reason to continue like this.

unforgotten23 · 06/04/2021 13:19

In the nicest possible way, but you are a fool.
Get rid of the parasite- there are loads of crap guys out there that are way better than this loser.
How can you bear yo share your life with someone who doesn't wash or clean his teeth? Confused

Whythesadface · 06/04/2021 13:19

You can change the WiFi, so he can't log his game on. Tell him till he pays for it he is banned.
Tell him he needs to move out, now.

Whythesadface · 06/04/2021 13:20

If you pay for his mobile, find out when you can cancel it. You need to make life harder for him.

Weirdfan · 06/04/2021 13:21

Great idea to do the Freedom programme, the temper tantrums and throwing things are abusive and you may find it easier to detach once you understand that fully. It's £12 to do it online and will be worth every penny if it helps you get rid of this parasite www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

category12 · 06/04/2021 13:29

I missed the temper tantrums and breakages. OP, this is domestic abuse. If nothing else, the next incident of that type, call the cops and get him removed. Then don't let him back.

This is no kind of environment to bring up your kids in.

Nith · 06/04/2021 13:37

Give him the phone number of the council's housing department and tell him he has to leave by the end of the week. If he doesn't go, or if he tries the trick of camping on the front doorstep again, call the police.

Thatwentbadly · 06/04/2021 13:42

@MinionLady

Often times I sit here and things he says pops in my head like 'this time next year will be better' 'I hate there are no opportunities for jobs' 'I want this and that when I earn my own money' it makes me laugh and cry to be honest
And this time next year will be better ... if you get rid of him.
FourDecades · 06/04/2021 13:49

@MinionLady

Yes, he does say a lot of times how he's grateful for what I do for him and how he has no one but me. It's hard. But it's days like this I want to snap, I ask him to go to the shop for milk etc while I do the chores he doesn't want to, and for a straight hour he will pace slowly get ready, message his gamer friends, the sit o toilet for 20 mins. But when he sees me ready to go instead he will moan this really grinds my gears. One less thing to 'nag' about when I finally ditch his arse
Well... stop procrastinating and posting on here and get on with it then.

The only person stopping him going is you.

expectopelargonium · 06/04/2021 14:04

Next time he has a temper tantrum and breaks something, call the police and tell them that you're being abuse, that you are scared for your and your dc's safety, and he won't leave. They'll come round and get rid of him for you.

FinallyHere · 06/04/2021 14:10

The house is in my name, and we are not married,

Thank goodness for small mercies.

This is an example where not getting married was a very sensible thing to do.

I was evil and selfish.

Well, he would try that wouldn't he. Did you let him back in? Pretty smart move on his part. For you, not so much.

Here, the vipers of MN at your service to have your back while you wake up and get rid.

What would you advise a daughter, sister of friend to do in your situation ?

Mamamamasaurus · 06/04/2021 14:11

I made it as far as 'all day gamer'

He's wasting his life and yours - he brings nothing to the table aside from misery.

Kick him out. Change the locks. Change the WiFi password.

It won't get better, in a year or in 10 years. You'll have just wasted more time on this man-child.

TirisfalPumpkin · 06/04/2021 14:55

OP, you sound lovely and like you have your shit together. The feeling of lightness when you shed the burden is incredible and something you have to look forward to.

A few possible next steps from the manchild, based on personal experience:

  • ‘you can’t end the relationship, we both have to agree to splitting up’. Not so. You can unilaterally end a relationship. You don’t need a good reason, or any reason. Your consent can be withdrawn at any time.
  • suicide threats usually follow, when they really get scared they’re about to lose the cushy life you provided. These are not a reason to stay with someone, they are emotional abuse. You don’t have to tolerate abuse. Their safety is their responsibility. Call cops for a welfare check if you’re worried but don’t entertain stepping in to provide care.

Well done for prioritising yourself and children.

ScrumForward · 19/04/2021 03:51

@MinionLady - how are thing's?

Onthemaintrunkline · 19/04/2021 04:54

You get one crack at this thing called ‘life’.
Hey - you stay with him, it’s unquestionably more of the same.

Had enough....pack his things in bin liners, park them outside, change the locks. I’ve a feeling he’s a good deal more resourceful than you could ever imagine.
As another poster has said ‘stiffen your spine’, or life isn’t going to change one iota for you. Good luck.

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