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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to remove this rod

71 replies

MinionLady · 06/04/2021 11:07

I know I have made a rod for my own back, I just need support or maybe a hand hold.
My relationship with partner feels more like mother duties than an actual partnership. He's got no motivation no aspirations in life. No job no goals. I provide everything. He won't even wash or brush his teeth. Lazy, all day gamer. No concept of responsibility. I bet he wouldn't know what time the kids have to get up for school. I've tried to support him, got him id to look for jobs, asking around for jobs which he quit after 2 weeks, got him new clothes to make him feel better in himself, I've included him to come on holidays, I've been his emotional rock when he's been in bad times. I feel like all I've done is try and help this person yet all I've done is made a rod for my own back and now he's reliant on me.
I feel like I'm being taken for granted, mentally exhausted by it all. Even when I've told him enough is enough he has to leave, it's a pity party for him. I've left also for a few days but I couldn't live with myself without the kids knowing he can't support them. I can't leave with them as I can't afford private housing I'm currently with council and rent is cheaper than alternative.
Above all else he makes me feel unloved at times, he can speak to us all like shit, throw temper tantrums and break things, and not acknowledge we are here. Issues when I see friends and family (precovid), condescending comments and is passive aggressive.
My life is spiralling out of control and I have no clue what to do as I've tried making him leave, me leaving etc. I feel lost. Thanks for letting me rant

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 19/04/2021 05:25

When I asked him to leave last time he spent the remaining day and night on the step in the front garden. I felt like I done him wrong like I was evil and selfish.
If he’s squatting in your front yard, call the police. Your happiness is in your reach here.

BlueDahlia69 · 19/04/2021 05:29

Get rid of this oxygen thief cocklodger.

Im struggling to understand how he sweet talks you round because he has no redeeming features and decidedly unattractive.

OP you either make him leave or accept this is your life choice forever.

Good Luck you deserve better 🌸

Emnemblem · 19/04/2021 06:08

Are the kids his? You need to get him out of there as it'll be affecting them too. Kick him out and change the locks. He's a leech and a wastrel and he'll move on to someone else after you. I know men like this all too well unfortunately.

RachelRavenRoth · 19/04/2021 06:18

What progress has been made since you last posted?

Sandra15 · 19/04/2021 07:44

Has he always been like this (game obsessed). That's enough for me to bin someone.

If this is how he's always been, why did you start a family with him knowing that you would be the grown up in the relationship? Did you hope he'd change? How old is he? What's his line of work, has he always been this lazy?

RulesDontApply2Me · 19/04/2021 07:57

@MinionLady
Have you chucked Game Boy out yet?

Bananalanacake · 19/04/2021 08:14

I don't understand why you would let a man with no job live with you, I'm assuming he packed in the job after he had moved in hoping to sponge off you.

Original poster

MinionLady · 19/04/2021 16:35

Yes he had the job when he moved in, his line of work was deliveries. Honestly no progress has been made as far as a job or ending this relationship goes. Its hard because of the guilt trips from him and the fact out eldest doesn't want his dad to leave

OP posts:

Lassy1945 · 19/04/2021 16:37

Most adults don’t need to be reminded re personal hygiene for example
So not making a rod for your own back
Just in a relationship with someone rather grim.

MyOtherProfile · 19/04/2021 16:52

For the sake of your children you must end it. He's bleeding you dry.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 19/04/2021 16:58

Look. You are either:

A total and utter wet blanket. He is using you, stealing your time and finances from your kids, draining away the love and care that they deserve and you don't care enough for them to put a stop to it.

You are a total fucking bitch, a ravening beast when it comes to protecting your kids and yoru eyes have finally been opened to the biggest threat to them - you WILL do whatver it takes to protect their well being.

Stop pussy footing between the two and kick his lazy, cock lodging, quality of life stealing arse out the door!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 19/04/2021 16:59

eldest doesn't want his dad to leave What do you expect a kid to say?

Be the parent your OH can't be!

Lassy1945 · 19/04/2021 17:08

@CuriousaboutSamphire

Look. You are either:

Stop pussy footing between the two and kick his lazy, cock lodging, quality of life stealing arse out the door!

This

Limited sympathy OP
My sympathy is for your children

Lassy1945 · 19/04/2021 17:11

How old see your children?

Do you work?

Original poster

MinionLady · 19/04/2021 17:20

The children are 8 and 4. I work full time

OP posts:

Lassy1945 · 19/04/2021 17:24

Such vulnerable ages

Seriously OP

Woman up

Forget about this love story your after. And focus on them.

BlueDahlia69 · 19/04/2021 17:29

You are allowing your 8 year old child to keep you living in this horrible abusive relationship.

You need to be the Adult here.

OooPourUsACupLove · 19/04/2021 17:55

@MinionLady

I find it harder everytime I try to talk to him about this, it's a constant emotional roller coaster, repeating myself, I need to find the balls to tell him right now but something is holding me back I don't know what

You don’t want to feel like a bad person. You know even though the problems are all him, he’s going to think you are doing him wrong and you want to find a way of him seeing that so he doesn’t paint you as the bad guy.

It’s never going to happen. You are not the bad guy but he is still going to believe you are. So you need to just accept he’ll never see that he fucked this up, he is going to say bad or sad things to you or about you and it’s not fair on you, but you can’t control that or make it better, you just have to accept it’s just one of the steps on the path to where you need to be.

BlueDahlia69 · 19/04/2021 18:26

@BlueDahlia69

You are allowing your 8 year old child to keep you living in this horrible abusive relationship.

You need to be the Adult here.

Sorry I didn't mean to sound so sharp OP. 🌸

Tenohfour · 19/04/2021 18:41

Get him out and do not feel guilty! You are doing the best thing for your children. If he is breaking stuff and talking to you like shit then he doesn't deserve your kindness or sympathy. He can get help from the local authorities for accommodation. There is not need to sit on your doorstep. He will get benefits. It is time he stood on his own two feet. Gaming all day? Give me a break!

mummymeister · 19/04/2021 18:48

why does he behave like this? because he can. because you facilitate it and he knows no matter how low he sinks, how much he smells or how badly he treats you, you wont make him leave. so he just carries on and on getting worse and worse completely secure in the knowledge that he has a roof over his head, food on the table and can sit around all day on his arse doing nothing, contributing nothing and yes thats right nothing is going to be done about it. Ship him out OP or stop moaning because there is no way he is going to ever wake up and change. why should he? he has you as his servant tending to his every need. He is like this because you allow him to be. Make your mind up, now today. this forever or not. your choice.

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