I am so miserable

[Meme69]

I just don't know what do to. My DP is depressed and I've supported him all the way through. I've encouraged him to see a counsellor, we even went for couples counselling, which really helped but he wanted to stop.

I'm now at a point that I'm having anxiety related chest pains, and feel like I just want to die. I'm always the coper. Everyone seems to rely on me. I have a senior job where I have a team to deal with who all look to me for answers. I have 3 dc who need me. I have a part time job to keep my finances afloat, which demands from me. I have an aunt with increasingly bad dementia who relies on me. I feel like I'm drowning in other people's needs and wants and yet I'm here. I'm drowning.

DP and I had a row the other day-sunday. I was a little drunk and over reacted to something. He's hardly spoken to me since. His DD is staying here at the moment and I'm trying to hold it all together for the kids but yesterday afternoon I just stood silently in the kitchen. He asked what was wrong and I just told him that I'm on the verge of a MH breakdown. He did nothing. No cuddle. No reassurance. He just walked away.

Later on he asked me what I wanted him to do and I said I needed a cuddle. He huffed and reached out for me. I shook him off as I want him to just want to do it not huff and puff about it.

Later on I set up a film night with his DD and my kids. He went to the toilet and my DS had come and sat in his place to give me a cuddle. DP came back into the room and instead of asking DS to shove up so he could sit down, he walked off and went to bed leaving me with the kids.

I went up later and asked why he did that, and he said he shouldn't have to ask him to move, I should have. I told him I am actually thinking of killing myself. Which is true.

He said, well I feel like that everyday. To my shame I just said well do it then. I didn't mean it, it was an awful thing to say, but I'm at the end of my tether I've done everything to support him, including paying for counselling out of my own pocket.

I'm so bloody miserable. I love him but I can't go on like this. This morning I took our tea up to bed, as I always do, and he turned his back on me.

I don't know what to do. I need a break. I need to do some self care but how.

OP, you can do this. You're being abused. He is abusive. Can you get counselling yourself? That will help you.

Do you talk to anyone at all about this stuff? You can't see at the moment how abnormal it is.

You're living in a state of fear, and you're so ground down that when you spilt you still feel unsafe and anxious, so it feels better to have your old situation back, where you know the familiarly of it. I've seen this with my DH - instead of staying away from his parents he used to go back for more abuse because keeping them sweet and seeking their approval at his own expense was less scary to him than not knowing what they were saying or doing. Habit of a lifetime, and not having their approval felt very, very unsafe to him.

Do you love him?

I’m confused because you say that he should kill himself (I’m aware you probably don’t mean it) but then you also say you can’t live without him.

I thought the point of this post is that everyone relies on you and you’re sick of that?

You have gone above and beyond to help him you can't do anymore maybe he needs to help himself now. You just need to put your needs first now and let everyone else get on with it a little bit more. If you really are feeling suicidal just pack a bag and leave. Go to a friend or family member for a few days. Everyone else will survive

@Meme69

I am financially independent and own my own house, but emotionally I am co-dependent on him totally. I just can't seem to break free. We've split before and somehow I'm begging him to come home because I feel unable to calm myself down emotionally knowing I am alone. I know it is ridiculous as I am a strong person, no one would ever, in my personal or professional life realise that I was like this emotionally.

You will never be alone because you have your kids. You can't get out of this rut while you stay with your husband you must find the courage to end your marriage

First things first: if you feel suicidal you should contact your GP today to get help. Everything else can be dealt with later. But this needs to be tackled immediately.

Your DP sounds like an absolute nightmare. If you do manage to break free of him you will feel much better. I know you say you are afraid of being alone but I can assure you that those feelings do pass.
In fact, you can often be way lonelier in a relationship where your needs and wants are ignored than being single.
I was in a relationship for five years which constantly revolved around my ex and his issues, needs and supposed depression with suicidal thoughts. I say "supposed" because I felt it was wheeled out when he wanted to manipulate me to get his own way.
I have never been as lonely in my life while I was living witih him.
I'm on my own now but the horrible empty/loneliness feeling has gone.

This sounds really difficult, my only advice as someone who is also very strong and always looking after everyone else is to step back from him emotionally.
I would then go back to your counsellor and work with him/her on building yourself up to leave him. Yes this is a thing and something I've been working though myself, I am divorced but have been with my partner five years since my son was just three, the thought of being a lone parent is scary but I'm slowly recognising things are more relaxed without him. It's a process and you need to build confidence which a therapist can support you with.
I know it's often said to leave just like that but I've been advised to slowly start building a new life with him still living here, friends new routines, so when you or he leave it's easier.

After reading your update l am much more sure that any depression you have is down to this destructive relationship.
beingsunny has good advice.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you're having such a hard time - it does seem that you have an awful lot to deal with and we think most people would struggle in your situation.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

We can see that you're getting some very sound advice and support from your fellow Mumsnetters, but it's a really good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

Do take care.

Does your workplace have an Employee Assistance program where you might be able to get counseling or even just some sort of helpline?

Could your DP go and stay with relatives or friends for a couple of months to give both of you some space and time for reflection?

Thirdly I recommend the Elderly Parents thread here on MN for people in just your situation - great practical advice and sympathy.

MN was an amazing support for me, so was WA. Don't feel bad or undeserving about calling them. My ex had severe issues which brought me to my knees, it took these amazing folk on here to make me realise I was being abused..no matter what the cause. I was codependant and the first few weeks were nothing short of he'll. Not eating or sleeping,crying constantly, I likened it to coming off heroin. But it got better. Do you want your life to be how it is now? You are doing him no favours in enabling ( let alone you). As soon as I detached, my ex threatened all sorts. He did none of it. He's fine. And so am I. Please find the strength, if I can do it,you can.

If he's accusing you of shagging someone else, just when you are trying to get some space, he is literally driving you crazy. He is making you ill. It's very abusive.

Thanks everyone for all your replies. I have read them all. I have looked at the freedom programme and will be signing up to it. I feel a lot calmer today and more focused on clearing my head.

It is odd because I have been in a violent relationship before, and got away, but because this one is only hurting me emotionally and not physically I never compared the two.

I can't say I'm going to leave him right now, but I will start by gaining some more control of the situation

Good for you, OP, great to hear you feeling calmer and ready to do the Freedom Programme. Emotional abuse is much harder to recognise than physical abuse when you're being subject to it, so it's a big step to be looking at things from that perspective.

Good luck OP

Hi op, sorry to hear how desperate you feel. I’ve had a mh crisis recently due to traumatic events.

1. Obviously, the main thing to is to get away from the relationship you are in. This level of toxic codependency will be causing your anxiety. I can tell you’re codependent by the reaction you have when you feel he’s gone. If you can push through those scared feelings you will feel amazing and recover. I promise.
2. The gp will likely put you on antidepressants. I have had a bad time with these personally and made me feel worse and weaning off after few months on them. Just want you to be aware as I wasn’t and thought it was a magic solution. In terms of counselling I’m still waiting 6 months later for my appointment! I suggest if you have the funds, to do private counselling. It can be expensive but it could really help.
3. offload - that’s what friends and family are there for. Can any of them help with childminding etc to give you a break or just talk with you?
4. take sick at work temporarily. I know you will worry doing that but you can self certify for a week and make something up or do longer with a GP certificate. Either that or, temporarily stop the part time work I would probably try to minimise contact and disagreements with your partner as you don’t have the emotional energy for it and sound burnt out. It will also probably escalate. Conserve your energy for you

Thanks all. I am sure I don't want to go on antidepressants, and an going to pursue the therapy angle. I can probably just about pay for it privately, as I've already used up my employer funded therapy as a result of the couples counselling and have paid for it since (until he refused to attend again).I have had therapy before and I know I need to find the right counsellor. The one I had for couples therapy was brilliant, she just helped to cut through the crap.

@SleepySundays interesting you should say that about anti depressants - have you read the book Lost Connection by Johan Hari? It talks about the evidence base for antidepressants and it is surprisingly pitiful given how many are dished out. Obviously for some people they are life savers but the evidence is not great for the majority.

Def get in touch with your couples counsellor if you liked her, I'm sure she will also do individual counselling.

@Meme69 I had similar issues with co -dependency. I have had therapy but I also had neuro feedback which has made the difference to me in terms of letting go of unhealthy attachments.

I understand your reluctance about anti depressants but tbh I think they are worth a shot at this juncture for you.

You won't know for a few months if they will make a difference but they may well make daily life easier to cope with and also lift you out of this depressive fog to allow you to access services and see how abusive and controlling this relationship is.

Neurofeedback is a commitment of time and resources but it has helped me in a way that traditional talking therapies never managed to.

I would also advise that you ring women's aid or someone on the domestic violence hotline to ask for assistance.

You are worthy of love from yourself

If I were to go out and sit in my car for an hour to him it would be proof that I'm shagging someone else. If I even go to a friends and am chatting and don't look at my phone then miss a message he thinks I'm lying about where I am

Get rid of him. He's the problem.

Once he's out of your face, everything else will feel so, so much more manageable.