She is not interested

[daddk]

Hi,

I am a man (48) married with my wife (43) for 13 years and we have been together for 23 years. We have three great kids (11, 9 and 6).

Sex and affection seem to have disappeared from our relationship and I am not sure we can get it back on track!? It is complex but I will try to explain it from my point of view and I would be grateful for any thoughts or advice.

We have always had different needs when it comes to affections and sex. I have always wanted more sex than her and have always been the one to initiate it. It has always been an issue that I have brought up from time to time but she has never reacted on this.

We did have sex and we had three wonderful children but sex was pushed in the background and became even less important to her. We had issues with 2 of the children often coming into our bed, which was not helpful. Bedtimes were difficult to manage so it was often 9-10 before they were all in bed and grownup time was none existent and often a child in bed.

Our interest in sex had always been an issue but in 2019 I really started trying to talk to her about it. Trying to find the time to talk about it. Trying not to blame her (which was difficult). Trying to say that I really wanted to talk about this when she felt the time was right. Sending her messages trying to explain how I was feeling and how the lack of sex was affecting me. We probably had sex on average once a month but I did not feel she was really into it. Her affection in general was disappearing as well. There was always other things that was more important than sex. Children’s sports activities, children’s school work, cleaning of the house, time to ourselves. She would still say “maybe tomorrow we can we can have some time together”, but something always seemed to get in the way. When we finally had the bed to ourselves I would be wishing for sex but I could quickly sense that she was not in the mood. We would talk about something but she would fall asleep while we talked. Or she would cuddle up with no intentions of taking it any further than the cuddle. My wife is not working so she is responsible for taking the children to and from school. She will clean the house and she would spend a lot of time taking the kids to sports activities 4 days a week a 45 minutes drive away.
I would work from 8:30 and be back around 18:30 5 days a week. I would normally do the cocking. At the weekends I would help with the cleaning, do DIY and take the children to activities.
I did suggest that we cut the children’s activities or move them to clubs close to home so she would not have to spend so much time driving them but she said she enjoyed it and would not hear of it.
With the risk of sounding unappreciative I did not feel she should be that tired with her workload and if she was I was willing to see what could be done to make it less tiresome.
I basically felt there was no time or interest in affection or sex. Well there mght be interest in cuddling up but it was not with sex in mind I just felt like a big teddy bear. On some occasions I would say “right! I’m going to the spare room to take care of business myself”. This was not appreciated and she was disgusted. She did not want sex and she did not want me to masturbate?

The COVID came! I was working from home and when the first home schooling period was over I was thinking that now we had a chance to catch up on the sex now that we had time together. She did not see it that way. The first time of COVID was worrying and uncertain in many ways. One god thing that came of it was that we got the children to sleep in their own beds (well sort off). I became more and more frustrated and ended up spending more and more time in the spare bedroom. She would sometimes come and want to cuddle up but when I realised that there was no interest in sex I would ask her to leave. I realise this was not very tactful but I was frustrated.

We would go away in the summer of 2020 for about 5 weeks were we would have most of the time for ourselves as the children would sleep in another room but still no sex. We probably had sex 2-4 times in the first six month of 2020. I would try to ask her why but she never said anything. When we got back from holiday the youngest would come into our bed again. I spend a week or two sleeping on the landing outside his bedroom until he was fine and sleep on his own. Then when I asked if I could come back into bed with my wife she said she had gotten used to and enjoyed her own space. I was now in the spare bedroom permanently.

I kept bringing the lack of sex and intimacy up and questioning what was going on? Then she finally said that was not interested in sex any more. I had gathered that and was in one way relived that she had finally put some words on this. And then at the same time so angry that it had taken her so long to put this into words. When she finally said it, it was also said with no realisation that this is quite a big thing. When I asked her if she still loved me she could not answer then question. Only a day or so later she said to me “the thing you asked me about yesterday… of course I do”.

Now when I bring the whole situation up she says that I have threated her bad badly. When I told her to get out of the bed I made her feel so small and she did not disserve to be threated that way. When I have brought the lack of sex up from time to time I realise that I have not expressed it in the best way. When I told her to get out of the bed when I there again was no interest in sex I realise that this was not the most elegant way. BUT I was missing the intimacy and I was trying to get her to express it from her point of view but I got no feedback. Only many months later she said she was just not interested.

Our oldest daughter has developed an eating disorder and in the chats with health people I mentioned that maybe our relationship issues were affecting our daughter. I spoke to her father, I spoke to some of the husbands of her girlfriends, and I ask her what she is thinking. Nothing. If she had an issue and she kept mentioning it to me, if she had spoken to my family, the wifes of my friends then I would make an effort to talk to her!

I don’t want to leave her and I don’t want to rock the world of three children. But I don’t want to live as we are. I have told her that this cannot go on but she says she doesn’t know what she wants. When I tell her this is only going one way – for separate lives and divorce she says I am being erratic and need to give her more time.

I am going to talk to a therapist (I have suggested several times that we both go but she will not hear of it). I don’t feel I am the one with the problem but I want to say I tried everything. When I told her that I was thinking of talking to a therapist she said “don’t, let us talk tomorrow”. She never brought it up…

I tell her that I could have been more tactful and I understand that I might have upset her but by not doing anything she is also sending messages.

As I am writing this I am getting sad, angry, frustrated. I have been taken for a foul and should have realised this years ago. I understand that you can fall out of love but have the decency to say it rather than living a lie…

Sorry for the long post! :(

@Itsalonghaul

Witholding sex and affection actually is counted as abusive behaviour

Of course that is NOT true, or there would be no such thing as marital rape.

You are not entitled to sex. Withholding makes it sound like op's wife is choosing to make op suffer, and we simply don't know that is the case. It is her body, her choice.
It is his body, his choice.

They decide JOINTLY what is right for them.

I'm well aware of that, I'm not an idiot.

That is not the point I made.

I dont think anyone should have to have sex.

I just object to the daily hysterical responses from people trying to claim that women can treat men however they like and take the piss out of men for having feelings. It's the reason we have such a male mental health crisis in this country which we forget about while we are shoehorning bad treatment of women into every single conversation.

At the topic in hand, I don't think OP had to do anything and I agree that some of his words would make me want to lock it away forever.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

Consistently jumping into action at the use of the word victim (which can mean a whole host of things ) to connect everything back to rape and abuse and make everything out to be horrible is getting tiresome, Mariel.

No. Deeply personal statements like this against anyone who speaks out against diminishing and minimalising the experience of victims is what's tiresome. Not to mention gratuitously offensive, which I'm quite sure was the intention.

A woman exerting her right to say 'no' does not make the recipient of that word a 'victim' Far from it. And since the exertion of what is meant by 'no' and what a victim is seem to be eluding you, allow me to enlighten you. Victims are people who have been on the receiving end of crime, bullying or abuse. They are people who have actively suffered harm. Minimising that might be what you get off on, but when I see someone doing that I will take issue with it. Every time.

Looking upthread, it seems I'm not alone.

I certainly don't get off on minimising, but thanks for the misognystic sexual language.

No, my intention wasn't to be offensive. I stand by what I said.

You are boring me. I don't think I've ever read a single post of yours in any thread in any topic that doesn't find a way to shoe horn in women saying no and trying to twist people's words. Im not interested, and if you want to suggest that somehow makes me a horrible human being then go for it I'm not engwging with you, I see you for what you are. Find someone else to sledgehammer.

Witholding sex and affection actually is counted as abusive behaviour.

If it's part of a cycle of lovebombing, 'negging' and then withdrawing affection as part of a pattern of emotional abuse, that would be a fair accusation. The OP has nowhere intimated that any of the above is the case.

Now you've convinced me one of three things is true. You're either pursuing some form of agenda, have serious issues surrounding boundaries, or are trolling.

Either way, it's got you the reaction you wanted so fair play.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

Witholding sex and affection actually is counted as abusive behaviour.

If it's part of a cycle of lovebombing, 'negging' and then withdrawing affection as part of a pattern of emotional abuse, that would be a fair accusation. The OP has nowhere intimated that any of the above is the case.

Now you've convinced me one of three things is true. You're either pursuing some form of agenda, have serious issues surrounding boundaries, or are trolling.

Either way, it's got you the reaction you wanted so fair play.

None of the above.

I just don't automatically cheerlead women and be flippant, mocking and sneering at men like you do, then if someone mentions any kind of issue with anything a woman is doing and the effect that might have on a man, start shouting about female abuse.

Luckily, I don't care what you think of me.

I didn't want any reaction Mariel. It wasn't you I was speaking to, so despite what you think, I wasn't waiting with waited breath for your wise words (which I could have copy and pasted from most of your responses on any topic on this site).

I don't think I've ever read a single post of yours in any thread in any topic that doesn't find a way to shoe horn in women saying no.

WTH do you think the OP's post was actually about? Correct me if I'm mistaken, but this whole dilemma hinges on a woman saying no.

Albeit your interpretative skills seem fairly inventive, the message there is pretty unambiguous.

You do know that sex is also a form of intimacy, have you ever been in a relationship where your partner rejects you regularly?
It's demoralising and crushes your self esteem, some people need that connection, and for a person in a marriage to decide that's no longer part of the relationship is extremely difficult to accept.
It's boot just about the OP getting his kicks but can also be an important part of any adult relationship and for one person to decide that's no longer on the table a significant decision. It's not about entitlement but reasonable expectation that partners will desire one another, otherwise you are just housemates.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

I don't think I've ever read a single post of yours in any thread in any topic that doesn't find a way to shoe horn in women saying no.

WTH do you think the OP's post was actually about? Correct me if I'm mistaken, but this whole dilemma hinges on a woman saying no.

Albeit your interpretative skills seem fairly inventive, the message there is pretty unambiguous.

No it doesn't. You've just extracted that one part because it suits your agenda. In most situations, everything doesn't revolve around that.

Is there any situations in life you actually care about and don't mock and sneer at men? I've yet to see it.

I'd be interested to see your responses if a woman posted the above. Not just yours, everyone's.
Im pretty sure it wouldn't be 'no wonder he doesn't want to sleep with you' and 'this is about his right to say no'.

And to say he's certainly been clumsy about this, nobody wants to be rejected for cuddling because it won't lead to sex or to hear their partner is off to the spare room for a wank, which in all honesty is grim and would make her feel like a disappointment.

I didn't want any reaction Mariel. It wasn't you I was speaking to says the PP.

Another PP, one page behind from the same poster reads:

Consistently jumping into action at the use of the word victim (which can mean a whole host of things ) to connect everything back to rape and abuse and make everything out to be horrible is getting tiresome, Mariel.

As far as I can see, there is no other poster on the thread with the handle ‘Mariel’. And, incidentally, it wasn’t I who brought up the offensive reference to the term rape.

Your reading interpretation is selective, I’ll grant you that.

@beingsunny

You do know that sex is also a form of intimacy, have you ever been in a relationship where your partner rejects you regularly? It's demoralising and crushes your self esteem, some people need that connection, and for a person in a marriage to decide that's no longer part of the relationship is extremely difficult to accept. It's boot just about the OP getting his kicks but can also be an important part of any adult relationship and for one person to decide that's no longer on the table a significant decision. It's not about entitlement but reasonable expectation that partners will desire one another, otherwise you are just housemates.

Thank you.

But you're not going to get s sensible response to that, because it was written by a man and the misandry is out in force.

If it was written by a woman, wed have 23 pages of poor woman and that she should leave.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

I didn't want any reaction Mariel. It wasn't you I was speaking to says the PP.

Another PP, one page behind from the same poster reads:

Consistently jumping into action at the use of the word victim (which can mean a whole host of things ) to connect everything back to rape and abuse and make everything out to be horrible is getting tiresome, Mariel.

As far as I can see, there is no other poster on the thread with the handle ‘Mariel’. And, incidentally, it wasn’t I who brought up the offensive reference to the term rape.

Your reading interpretation is selective, I’ll grant you that.

Yes, I responded to you there.

But my original victim comment that sent you into overdrive wasn't.

I'm selective? Me? From the user who skips 20 lines and just looks for anything about a woman saying no and jumps into action?

On one hand, with the general situation of not feeling interested, I have some sympathy - both my spouse and I at times have gone off sex whether for medical issues or just really stressed and tired and it can emotionally be hard to deal with that rejection even when we know it's not us (it's also emotionally really hard when not interested to feel like that's all the other person wants, even when that's not true which in this case I'm not so sure of). It's harder when the other person doesn't see any issues or struggles to communicate.

On the other hand, with your specifics - you've really made your bed here. You went off to the spare room, you've made a performance of masturbating - like, I don't even mind the saying it, but even in a relationship where masturbation is part of the sex life, that's something to say in the bedroom, not something to declare before walking there is what is coming across like a huff / well described sulk-wank. There is a way to discuss that in a fun way, and that's not what's coming across. You're coming across as being hyper focused on getting your end away, that's the only thing I can think for getting her father involved.

I understand that you can fall out of love but have the decency to say it rather than living a lie…

It can be a lot more complicated than that. When going through a lot, it's quite possible to really care about someone, but not be able to fully define the emotions or to have the feelings vary a lot even within a day. My spouse and I have had our 'hell years' of multiple deaths in the family, young children with their own difficulties, medical issues of ourselves and loved ones (including a misdiagnosis that meant what care I sought for my sex issues was often just given 'that's what happens with menopause' - at 28).

One of my biggest regrets in that time is under all that stress, I had an identity and relationship crisis that I dumped onto my spouse and the social network I had at the time was just compounding it. I cringe when I see some of the conversations we had during that time. Yes, I honestly had times where I could be repulsed by him and think he was the best thing ever within the same hour. It didn't really benefit either of us for me to ruminate on that as much as I did or emotion vomit onto him which is kinda looks like you're doing OP. You see this issue and you're picking at it and all these bigger issues that likely feel out of your control go to the side of this one thing that you seem to think if it was fixed would fix everything else. I've been there, it's not going to help or work.

For my spouse and I, I had to get properly diagnosed for underlying malabsorption and malnutrition issues and strip away the influences that were warping my perception of how I should feel and things should be in a relationship and just look at ours and how we wanted to be. We chose to take our relationship and sex life back to the very basics - I'm talking hand holding and sitting with each other on the couch, we took sex off the table for months. We went slower than we did when we actually met. This took effort and we've had bumps along the way, but it's been worth it to us.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

I didn't want any reaction Mariel. It wasn't you I was speaking to says the PP.

Another PP, one page behind from the same poster reads:

Consistently jumping into action at the use of the word victim (which can mean a whole host of things ) to connect everything back to rape and abuse and make everything out to be horrible is getting tiresome, Mariel.

As far as I can see, there is no other poster on the thread with the handle ‘Mariel’. And, incidentally, it wasn’t I who brought up the offensive reference to the term rape.

Your reading interpretation is selective, I’ll grant you that.

I'm not sure what my offensive reference was.

Victim blaming does not always have to refer to rape, in the real world.

@Butwasitherdriveway I was that woman, my husband didn't show any interest in me for years, it was awful, it wasn't even about the orgasm but the intimacy of two people coming together and to be told he didn't want that from me any more was a terrible feeling. I understand people are different and because society says men always want sex it's was even worse as a woman it felt bigger. I'm hearing people say sex isn't important after several kids but surely you still live that person and want to connect physically

@daddk

Hi,

I am a man (48) married with my wife (43) for 13 years and we have been together for 23 years. We have three great kids (11, 9 and 6).

Sex and affection seem to have disappeared from our relationship and I am not sure we can get it back on track!? It is complex but I will try to explain it from my point of view and I would be grateful for any thoughts or advice.

We have always had different needs when it comes to affections and sex. I have always wanted more sex than her and have always been the one to initiate it. It has always been an issue that I have brought up from time to time but she has never reacted on this.

We did have sex and we had three wonderful children but sex was pushed in the background and became even less important to her. We had issues with 2 of the children often coming into our bed, which was not helpful. Bedtimes were difficult to manage so it was often 9-10 before they were all in bed and grownup time was none existent and often a child in bed.

Our interest in sex had always been an issue but in 2019 I really started trying to talk to her about it. Trying to find the time to talk about it. Trying not to blame her (which was difficult). Trying to say that I really wanted to talk about this when she felt the time was right. Sending her messages trying to explain how I was feeling and how the lack of sex was affecting me. We probably had sex on average once a month but I did not feel she was really into it. Her affection in general was disappearing as well. There was always other things that was more important than sex. Children’s sports activities, children’s school work, cleaning of the house, time to ourselves. She would still say “maybe tomorrow we can we can have some time together”, but something always seemed to get in the way. When we finally had the bed to ourselves I would be wishing for sex but I could quickly sense that she was not in the mood. We would talk about something but she would fall asleep while we talked. Or she would cuddle up with no intentions of taking it any further than the cuddle. My wife is not working so she is responsible for taking the children to and from school. She will clean the house and she would spend a lot of time taking the kids to sports activities 4 days a week a 45 minutes drive away.
I would work from 8:30 and be back around 18:30 5 days a week. I would normally do the cocking. At the weekends I would help with the cleaning, do DIY and take the children to activities.
I did suggest that we cut the children’s activities or move them to clubs close to home so she would not have to spend so much time driving them but she said she enjoyed it and would not hear of it.
With the risk of sounding unappreciative I did not feel she should be that tired with her workload and if she was I was willing to see what could be done to make it less tiresome.
I basically felt there was no time or interest in affection or sex. Well there mght be interest in cuddling up but it was not with sex in mind I just felt like a big teddy bear. On some occasions I would say “right! I’m going to the spare room to take care of business myself”. This was not appreciated and she was disgusted. She did not want sex and she did not want me to masturbate?

The COVID came! I was working from home and when the first home schooling period was over I was thinking that now we had a chance to catch up on the sex now that we had time together. She did not see it that way. The first time of COVID was worrying and uncertain in many ways. One god thing that came of it was that we got the children to sleep in their own beds (well sort off). I became more and more frustrated and ended up spending more and more time in the spare bedroom. She would sometimes come and want to cuddle up but when I realised that there was no interest in sex I would ask her to leave. I realise this was not very tactful but I was frustrated.

We would go away in the summer of 2020 for about 5 weeks were we would have most of the time for ourselves as the children would sleep in another room but still no sex. We probably had sex 2-4 times in the first six month of 2020. I would try to ask her why but she never said anything. When we got back from holiday the youngest would come into our bed again. I spend a week or two sleeping on the landing outside his bedroom until he was fine and sleep on his own. Then when I asked if I could come back into bed with my wife she said she had gotten used to and enjoyed her own space. I was now in the spare bedroom permanently.

I kept bringing the lack of sex and intimacy up and questioning what was going on? Then she finally said that was not interested in sex any more. I had gathered that and was in one way relived that she had finally put some words on this. And then at the same time so angry that it had taken her so long to put this into words. When she finally said it, it was also said with no realisation that this is quite a big thing. When I asked her if she still loved me she could not answer then question. Only a day or so later she said to me “the thing you asked me about yesterday… of course I do”.

Now when I bring the whole situation up she says that I have threated her bad badly. When I told her to get out of the bed I made her feel so small and she did not disserve to be threated that way. When I have brought the lack of sex up from time to time I realise that I have not expressed it in the best way. When I told her to get out of the bed when I there again was no interest in sex I realise that this was not the most elegant way. BUT I was missing the intimacy and I was trying to get her to express it from her point of view but I got no feedback. Only many months later she said she was just not interested.

Our oldest daughter has developed an eating disorder and in the chats with health people I mentioned that maybe our relationship issues were affecting our daughter. I spoke to her father, I spoke to some of the husbands of her girlfriends, and I ask her what she is thinking. Nothing. If she had an issue and she kept mentioning it to me, if she had spoken to my family, the wifes of my friends then I would make an effort to talk to her!

I don’t want to leave her and I don’t want to rock the world of three children. But I don’t want to live as we are. I have told her that this cannot go on but she says she doesn’t know what she wants. When I tell her this is only going one way – for separate lives and divorce she says I am being erratic and need to give her more time.

I am going to talk to a therapist (I have suggested several times that we both go but she will not hear of it). I don’t feel I am the one with the problem but I want to say I tried everything. When I told her that I was thinking of talking to a therapist she said “don’t, let us talk tomorrow”. She never brought it up…

I tell her that I could have been more tactful and I understand that I might have upset her but by not doing anything she is also sending messages.

As I am writing this I am getting sad, angry, frustrated. I have been taken for a foul and should have realised this years ago. I understand that you can fall out of love but have the decency to say it rather than living a lie…

Sorry for the long post! :(

Okay, first things first I'm hearing a lot about sex but not much about intimacy. You might say sex to mean intimacy which is fine but I think the first thing you need to figure out is if there is intimacy in the relationship. Touching? Kissing? Telling her she's beautiful or her telling you you're handsome? How much of that is there? Maybe she would be more receptive if you had a discussion about intimacy and sex together rather than just sex. Say, for example, you want to spend time together just like (XYZ time when you remember feeling particularly close and had that connection).

Often real concerns can be interpreted as pestering for sex, so if it's clear to her you're looking not only for the sex - which is legitimate - but also the love connection between husband and wife, she might be more receptive to the idea.

Maybe even see intimacy as the main goal with sex as a pleasurable thing which occurs naturally when you have reconnected with each other.

I'm not sure what my offensive reference was.

Victim blaming does not always have to refer to rape, in the real world.

Because that issue is in no way relevant to the thread. In the context of what the OP posted, it could also have appeared incredibly inflammatory and insensitive to him. The kinds of problems he is talking about in no way equate with rape, and this is a discussion which should never have found its way onto the thread. He may 'sulk' when he can't get what he wants, but there's no hint there was any coercion.

In context, that reference was highly inappropriate.

Been with my partner for 7 years. Youngest is 3 and often sleeps in our bed. We still manage 2/3 times a week and did so from about 20 days after his birth as soon as it was all looking and feeling normal. Personally, and this is entirely up to an individual I think it’s really important , even if it’s a hairy legged quickie in the bathroom . I need to know that we are still attracted to each other like that when so much of our lives isn’t fun and is pure drudgery. Kids and work are drudgery and boring and stressful, so my partner and I drink wine and have sex and eat chocolates in bed sometimes because life’s just a bit crap without all these things . I prioritise things like that over housework and meal planning and other boring crap. I could not , for any reason live in a marriage without affection. I often joke that other than doing the driving and taking the bins out it’s all he’s good for haha. You sound miserable, so does she. Life’s short , move on . Don’t kid yourself that having a family means you can’t be a couple anymore , lots of us are managing it just fine. The reason is she’s not attracted to you anymore and that’s that. It’s not nice to keep pestering her but I totally get why you do. I think it’s over .

@BiBabbles

On the other hand, with your specifics - you've really made your bed here. You went off to the spare room, you've made a performance of masturbating - like, I don't even mind the saying it, but even in a relationship where masturbation is part of the sex life, that's something to say in the bedroom, not something to declare before walking there is what is coming across like a huff / well described sulk-wank. There is a way to discuss that in a fun way, and that's not what's coming across. You're coming across as being hyper focused on getting your end away, that's the only thing I can think for getting her father involved.

Oh no, that's going to make it much worse, not better. She needs to be attracted to you and nobody is attracted to a man who goes off for a petty wank when she's disinterested in sex.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

I'm not sure what my offensive reference was.

Victim blaming does not always have to refer to rape, in the real world.

Because that issue is in no way relevant to the thread. In the context of what the OP posted, it could also have appeared incredibly inflammatory and insensitive to him. The kinds of problems he is talking about in no way equate with rape, and this is a discussion which should never have found its way onto the thread. He may 'sulk' when he can't get what he wants, but there's no hint there was any coercion.

In context, that reference was highly inappropriate.

What?

Ok to clarify before I stop engaging with you , because as I have noticed before you ase simply dangerous, and actually quite worryingz so please stop engaging with me too because your behaviour is really concerning and ice noticed you do that before.

What I said was , that telling OP 'no wonder he doesn't want to have sex with you' is sexist and putting the blame on the 'victim' ie it's your own fault she doesn't, which is a horrible thing to say. It was the above PP who tried to twist that into something she is now claiming should 'never be mentioned' not me.

Moving on.

Yikes, your poor wife.

I know exactly how you feel. I was the woman who didn't want sex in my marriage and it ultimately broke us up. I do regret not trying to fix it. But I really thought I was a freak.

But ultimately I'm in a loving relationship with lots of sex and absolutely loving life now!

So what changed?! I hated sex with my ex husband because it hurt, he never fulfilled me, it was the same every time. I resented him for it and tried to explain but he couldn't change as he thought the things I wanted him to do to me was disgusting (it was nothing crazy)

Ultimately I gave up and decided to live a life of a nun. He accepted it but we lost so much intimacy as a result and lost the close bond we had. We were married best friends. Though sex wasn't aimed as the issue of our divorce it led to so many other issues had we solved that part we would still be together.

Now don't get me wrong I'm glad we aren't I'm very very happy now. But it was as much my fault as his.

Talk to her, ask her out right, why is sex a problem is it a physical issue? Is it a mental issue? Work on it together because believe me if you can get her happy with sex then you will be too! It's a long road, one I failed on but it starts with communication. Life without sex will ultimately doom your relationship. That close intimacy is so fragile and it does make a difference.

I have learned my lesson and with my current partner we are very open, he always makes sure I enjoy it before him, he's found the right buttons to push. And because he did that, I love it! And so in return he gets lots and I figure out the same with his needs and desires!

Don't give up, be gentle and genuine with your wife have a heart to heart and find out the problem. Then you can find the cure.

Yep, I can totally see why she doesn't want sex with you OP.

Talk with your therapist, be open minded about your part in these problems and then once you feel you have a decent grasp of things and are able to be even handed talk to your wife.

If she cant or wont talk about it leave.

I think intimacy often means something different for men and women. I would start by taking the pressure off with regards to sex and for a period of time, say a few months, focus on building up tenderness and loving behaviour towards your wife, a cuddle, kiss on the back of the neck when she's not expecting it, non sexual compliments, appreciating everything she does verbally, trying to do more around the house without prompting. Don't kick her out of bed when she came for a cuddle, that's very cruel, it probably took a lot for her to do that if she's struggling with her sex drive and then to be rejected like that would have been very hurtful. I was in a relationship once where any intimacy it was assumed would lead to sex and the constant pestering did the absolute opposite and made me pull away more. If you try this for a few months and then gently try the conversation again and see where you are. She also needs to take some responsibility, maybe see her GP about her libido and agree to councilling but I think your focus needs to be on non sexual I timacy for a while to build back a connection and you might find that draws her back to you in time. And for god's sake don't announce you're going for a wank, nothing would turn me off more.