Hi,
I am a man (48) married with my wife (43) for 13 years and we have been together for 23 years. We have three great kids (11, 9 and 6).
Sex and affection seem to have disappeared from our relationship and I am not sure we can get it back on track!? It is complex but I will try to explain it from my point of view and I would be grateful for any thoughts or advice.
We have always had different needs when it comes to affections and sex. I have always wanted more sex than her and have always been the one to initiate it. It has always been an issue that I have brought up from time to time but she has never reacted on this.
We did have sex and we had three wonderful children but sex was pushed in the background and became even less important to her. We had issues with 2 of the children often coming into our bed, which was not helpful. Bedtimes were difficult to manage so it was often 9-10 before they were all in bed and grownup time was none existent and often a child in bed.
Our interest in sex had always been an issue but in 2019 I really started trying to talk to her about it. Trying to find the time to talk about it. Trying not to blame her (which was difficult). Trying to say that I really wanted to talk about this when she felt the time was right. Sending her messages trying to explain how I was feeling and how the lack of sex was affecting me. We probably had sex on average once a month but I did not feel she was really into it. Her affection in general was disappearing as well. There was always other things that was more important than sex. Children’s sports activities, children’s school work, cleaning of the house, time to ourselves. She would still say “maybe tomorrow we can we can have some time together”, but something always seemed to get in the way. When we finally had the bed to ourselves I would be wishing for sex but I could quickly sense that she was not in the mood. We would talk about something but she would fall asleep while we talked. Or she would cuddle up with no intentions of taking it any further than the cuddle. My wife is not working so she is responsible for taking the children to and from school. She will clean the house and she would spend a lot of time taking the kids to sports activities 4 days a week a 45 minutes drive away.
I would work from 8:30 and be back around 18:30 5 days a week. I would normally do the cocking. At the weekends I would help with the cleaning, do DIY and take the children to activities.
I did suggest that we cut the children’s activities or move them to clubs close to home so she would not have to spend so much time driving them but she said she enjoyed it and would not hear of it.
With the risk of sounding unappreciative I did not feel she should be that tired with her workload and if she was I was willing to see what could be done to make it less tiresome.
I basically felt there was no time or interest in affection or sex. Well there mght be interest in cuddling up but it was not with sex in mind I just felt like a big teddy bear. On some occasions I would say “right! I’m going to the spare room to take care of business myself”. This was not appreciated and she was disgusted. She did not want sex and she did not want me to masturbate?
The COVID came! I was working from home and when the first home schooling period was over I was thinking that now we had a chance to catch up on the sex now that we had time together. She did not see it that way. The first time of COVID was worrying and uncertain in many ways. One god thing that came of it was that we got the children to sleep in their own beds (well sort off). I became more and more frustrated and ended up spending more and more time in the spare bedroom. She would sometimes come and want to cuddle up but when I realised that there was no interest in sex I would ask her to leave. I realise this was not very tactful but I was frustrated.
We would go away in the summer of 2020 for about 5 weeks were we would have most of the time for ourselves as the children would sleep in another room but still no sex. We probably had sex 2-4 times in the first six month of 2020. I would try to ask her why but she never said anything. When we got back from holiday the youngest would come into our bed again. I spend a week or two sleeping on the landing outside his bedroom until he was fine and sleep on his own. Then when I asked if I could come back into bed with my wife she said she had gotten used to and enjoyed her own space. I was now in the spare bedroom permanently.
I kept bringing the lack of sex and intimacy up and questioning what was going on? Then she finally said that was not interested in sex any more. I had gathered that and was in one way relived that she had finally put some words on this. And then at the same time so angry that it had taken her so long to put this into words. When she finally said it, it was also said with no realisation that this is quite a big thing. When I asked her if she still loved me she could not answer then question. Only a day or so later she said to me “the thing you asked me about yesterday… of course I do”.
Now when I bring the whole situation up she says that I have threated her bad badly. When I told her to get out of the bed I made her feel so small and she did not disserve to be threated that way. When I have brought the lack of sex up from time to time I realise that I have not expressed it in the best way. When I told her to get out of the bed when I there again was no interest in sex I realise that this was not the most elegant way. BUT I was missing the intimacy and I was trying to get her to express it from her point of view but I got no feedback. Only many months later she said she was just not interested.
Our oldest daughter has developed an eating disorder and in the chats with health people I mentioned that maybe our relationship issues were affecting our daughter. I spoke to her father, I spoke to some of the husbands of her girlfriends, and I ask her what she is thinking. Nothing. If she had an issue and she kept mentioning it to me, if she had spoken to my family, the wifes of my friends then I would make an effort to talk to her!
I don’t want to leave her and I don’t want to rock the world of three children. But I don’t want to live as we are. I have told her that this cannot go on but she says she doesn’t know what she wants. When I tell her this is only going one way – for separate lives and divorce she says I am being erratic and need to give her more time.
I am going to talk to a therapist (I have suggested several times that we both go but she will not hear of it). I don’t feel I am the one with the problem but I want to say I tried everything. When I told her that I was thinking of talking to a therapist she said “don’t, let us talk tomorrow”. She never brought it up…
I tell her that I could have been more tactful and I understand that I might have upset her but by not doing anything she is also sending messages.
As I am writing this I am getting sad, angry, frustrated. I have been taken for a foul and should have realised this years ago. I understand that you can fall out of love but have the decency to say it rather than living a lie…
Sorry for the long post! :(