Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel sick did i do the right thing

58 replies

Canwegodancing · 05/04/2021 22:11

OK, first post but lurk here most nights.
Married almost 20 years, its pretty much over as of tonight.
All sitting down Friday night with take out, bit of grumbling by eldest didn't want to watch film, dh lost head and flew at dc in a rage didn't hit but hands on shoulders towering over him, other kids roaring crying , eldest white with shock. Night ruined.
Background so no drip feeding: dh off booze now for 8 years did rehab, drinking 0% beer v regularly with an odd drink here and there the last year. Always had temper but very edgy recently.
I'm done and told him today. I'll never forget the look on eldest face. He's packed we are staying away last from home last couple of nights.
I cannot tiptoe around him any longer. Its horrendous. Feeling sick after phonecall with him tonight . Accepts he's at fault. There's no going back is there.
He's just never got on top of his issues. Drank heavily from the time we were together we were young but I really didn't know what this would mean.
Sorry rambling post. Needed to put it down in writing. Thanks anyone who read this.

OP posts:
thesandwich · 05/04/2021 22:13

No wisdom but I’m sorry you’re going through this🌺🌺

Original poster
Canwegodancing · 05/04/2021 22:14

@thesandwich

No wisdom but I’m sorry you’re going through this🌺🌺
Thank you 😔
OP posts:
Annonymiss123 · 05/04/2021 22:15

You absolutely did the right thing. You’ve taken yourself and your children away from an abusive man.

Well done for being so strong. 💐

Original poster
Canwegodancing · 05/04/2021 22:17

@Annonymiss123

You absolutely did the right thing. You’ve taken yourself and your children away from an abusive man.

Well done for being so strong. 💐

Thank you
OP posts:
ConnieCaterpillar70 · 05/04/2021 22:17

I grew up with two alcoholic uncles, and with the wisdom of hindsight, I can see what horrific childhoods that my cousins had.

Life's too precious to be walking on eggshells. You have to protect your kids.

Flowers
Unreasonabubble · 05/04/2021 22:20

You have done the right thing. There is nothing worse than a child who has to watch or experience violence between a parent let alone being the child on the receiving end.

Something is not right though, you say DH has been sober for last 8 years but drinking 0% alcohol (except on a few occasions). He should not even be drinking 0% anything. That is not the right idea.

Gosh I feel so much for all of you and your DC and how frightened they must have been.

Original poster
Canwegodancing · 05/04/2021 22:21

I don't feel strong
I'm just literally spent, exhausted
Been plenty good times
But lots of spats or explosions by him over the years here and there
Followed by disappearing to bedroom for day/two
No apology after
I've told him he needs doc
He's so tightly wound
But I can't keep the show on the road any more
I think he's shocked in a way that I just can't keep it all going while he sorts himself out like I did before

OP posts:
Unreasonabubble · 05/04/2021 22:23

So he needs you to sort himself out? That is so hard. This is not for you to sort out. He needs to sort himself out.

I wonder if he has relapsed, hence the disappearing to the bedroom for a day or two.

Original poster
Canwegodancing · 05/04/2021 22:24

@Unreasonabubble

You have done the right thing. There is nothing worse than a child who has to watch or experience violence between a parent let alone being the child on the receiving end.

Something is not right though, you say DH has been sober for last 8 years but drinking 0% alcohol (except on a few occasions). He should not even be drinking 0% anything. That is not the right idea.

Gosh I feel so much for all of you and your DC and how frightened they must have been.

This is what I've been thinking He didn't touch a drop until a big birthday a year ago I didn't bring alcohol into the house for couple of years after he quit But then in last year would take a glass if I had a bottle wine Its not the way is it Slowly slowly slipping
OP posts:
Terminallysleepdeprived · 05/04/2021 22:28

You have absolutely done the right thing.

My dad is an alcoholic, to the best of my knowledge he is 20 years sober currently but as a child and teen I was your eldest. I walked on eggshells and took endless abuse from him when stressed and trying not to drink or drunk and angry. I wish my mum had had your strength. My life may have been very different.

It will be hard

You will doubt yourself

You will doubt your decision

You will consider taking him back

But from the bottom of my heart, thank you for having the strength to end this abuse for your kids. Your eldest will thank you

Original poster
Canwegodancing · 05/04/2021 22:29

Last few months drinking zero beer most nights.
Its not a good sign really
Showing a reliance on the feel of a beer I suppose
Thanks to u all for reading and your comments x

OP posts:
pumpkinpie01 · 05/04/2021 22:56

Tiptoeing around someone you live with whether its due to drinking , ocd , temper whatever - it's just no way to live . Well done for having the strength to make the break your dc will thank you for it . Do you have a plan now for moving forward ?

WisnaeMe · 06/04/2021 02:08

OP have you posted about you DSon and DHusband before ?

it sounds familiar 🌸

Original poster
Canwegodancing · 06/04/2021 07:12

@WisnaeMe

OP have you posted about you DSon and DHusband before ?

it sounds familiar 🌸

No never before But unfortunately I'm sure there are similar type situations in many homes
OP posts:
Original poster
Canwegodancing · 06/04/2021 07:17

@pumpkinpie01

Tiptoeing around someone you live with whether its due to drinking , ocd , temper whatever - it's just no way to live . Well done for having the strength to make the break your dc will thank you for it . Do you have a plan now for moving forward ?
Go back home tomorrow once I know he's gone Try and get on with things back to work etc Not sure what will happen financially I can't see that he will keep working id say there's a big meltdown ahead One day at a time for a while I think
OP posts:
SelkieBoru · 06/04/2021 07:23

Let him enjoy all the righteous anger he can draw on when you divorce him. A part of him will love the divorce. X

pog100 · 06/04/2021 07:25

Well done OP. I can feel how hard this is for you but you are doing so well by your children. It's moving to read. They will thank you for this in decades to come, you are breaking a chain. Stay firm, it will gradually work out.

startfrom1 · 06/04/2021 07:29

The 0% stuff can affect people too. I know someone who actually gets a hangover from drinking it!

Well done for getting your dc out of this situation. There are many children who would be so grateful if their mother showed the strength you have.

All the best Thanks

Original poster
Canwegodancing · 06/04/2021 07:42

Thank u all for reading and your comments
At the moment there's just my mum irl to talk to
It helps to just type it out here
Thank u all again xxx

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 06/04/2021 08:06

Well done, brave lady. It will be hard but things worth doing always are.

You’ll doubt yourself and whether you’ve done the right thing, its natural, but you’d doubt yourself and regret it more if you stayed. We always doubt big decisions we make. You know you are doing the right thing as you’ve taken the decision to protect your children and that is never wrong.

Remember that saying ...When going through hell... keeping going...

You can do it, get as much help as you can from organisations etc. Great you have your mum for support. He may be slipping back into old ways as he shouldnt be drinking at all.

category12 · 06/04/2021 08:15

Well done for acting, please stay out of the relationship for your children's sake. They need an emotionally and physically safe home, and he's shown he can't or won't give that.

Feelinghothothottoday · 06/04/2021 08:17

Right decision to get your kids out of this situation. They can’t defend themselves but you can. You are being very brave but you have to do this for your beautiful kids. Keep posting on here and asking questions. We can help you.

stoopider · 06/04/2021 08:18

Keep going

Original poster
Canwegodancing · 06/04/2021 08:21

@Lozzerbmc

Well done, brave lady. It will be hard but things worth doing always are.

You’ll doubt yourself and whether you’ve done the right thing, its natural, but you’d doubt yourself and regret it more if you stayed. We always doubt big decisions we make. You know you are doing the right thing as you’ve taken the decision to protect your children and that is never wrong.

Remember that saying ...When going through hell... keeping going...

You can do it, get as much help as you can from organisations etc. Great you have your mum for support. He may be slipping back into old ways as he shouldnt be drinking at all.

Thank u for those words Xx
OP posts:
Original poster
Canwegodancing · 06/04/2021 08:24

Thank u all
Its a bit overwhelming this morning
Luckily today I had booked off work
OK getting up now

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread