Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel sick did i do the right thing

58 replies

Canwegodancing · 05/04/2021 22:11

OK, first post but lurk here most nights.
Married almost 20 years, its pretty much over as of tonight.
All sitting down Friday night with take out, bit of grumbling by eldest didn't want to watch film, dh lost head and flew at dc in a rage didn't hit but hands on shoulders towering over him, other kids roaring crying , eldest white with shock. Night ruined.
Background so no drip feeding: dh off booze now for 8 years did rehab, drinking 0% beer v regularly with an odd drink here and there the last year. Always had temper but very edgy recently.
I'm done and told him today. I'll never forget the look on eldest face. He's packed we are staying away last from home last couple of nights.
I cannot tiptoe around him any longer. Its horrendous. Feeling sick after phonecall with him tonight . Accepts he's at fault. There's no going back is there.
He's just never got on top of his issues. Drank heavily from the time we were together we were young but I really didn't know what this would mean.
Sorry rambling post. Needed to put it down in writing. Thanks anyone who read this.

OP posts:
Rubyrecka · 06/04/2021 08:25

The 0% beer most nights is definitely a concern as is the he has a drink now and again last year. If that's the case he hasn't been sober for 8 years.

He needs AA.

You did the right thing.

Pogmaasal · 06/04/2021 08:27

Some of the 0% stuff isnt completely alcohol free, just has a very small amount. Not that it is your problem to fix.

You say you're going home when he's out - is that just to collect stuff or will you stay home and he go elsewhere? I wouldnt share that space with him again

Well done on leaving. You did the right thing

VettiyaIruken · 06/04/2021 08:31

Flowers I know it's hard but keep reminding yourself that you have done the only acceptable thing to do when someone terrifies your children like that. They are utterly powerless and rely on you. They can't choose to leave. You have done the right thing.

Introvertedbuthappy · 06/04/2021 08:32

Can I just say a massive "well done" and send you a big hug? Thank you so much for protecting your children, they will always remember this. You sound like an amazing mother. You are absolutely doing the right thing.

sandgrown · 06/04/2021 08:36

I posted a similar story last year when DP attacked our son. We are now in our new home and though it’s tough at times we no longer have to walk on eggshells and try and make the world right for someone else . Good luck OP you have done the right thing x

billy1966 · 06/04/2021 08:56

OP,

You may not realise how brave you are, but you will.

Your children have had years of this.

They will be so grateful to be a way from this stress.

You cannot fix him.

Your responsibility and obligation is to your children.

They need a stable environment.

If you take him back and try an fix him it will be at the expense of your poor children.

They have been through enough.

Let them see by your actions how important they are.

Keep him out.

Keep posting.
Flowers

PerseverancePays · 06/04/2021 09:05

💐 you are totally doing the right thing. It wasn’t until my children had their own children that they thanked me for leaving their father and not sparing them an entire childhood with his abusive behaviour. I left when the eldest was eight. It has been hard but living with him was harder. My life became calmer overnight and the daily anxiety of him coming home after work disappeared.

PerseverancePays · 06/04/2021 09:05

Sparing them

I0NA · 06/04/2021 09:31

What a heartfelt post from @Terminallysleepdeprived.

RachelRavenRoth · 06/04/2021 09:40

You have 100% done the right thing.

He may start doing things to make it look like he is dealing with his addiction and anger as a way to worm him way back in. But that’s all they will be. Don’t let him steal and more of your life.

Today is a new beginning.

sjfjsnfkdhsbd · 06/04/2021 09:43

You did the right thing. That took great courage.

You probably will have lots of up and down emotions. - there's a lot to process - but you will come through it.

You may want to consider reporting to police/GP/school - or taking advice on reporting - what happened. Simply so there is evidence on record if you need to take steps to protect your children from him in future. If things escalate it is harder to get help later if you never told anyone at the time what he had done.

Also, are you kids school age? If so, letting the school know will mean they can support them. What's been going on and the latest escalation are both very serious.

They may not have been hit, but they were put in immediate fear of violence and that's common assault.

Haffdonga · 06/04/2021 09:56

You ARE doing the right thing. It must be very frightening and very sad for you all. I hope you are looking after yourself as well as everyone else Flowers

Just keep an eye on your eldest too. From what you describe, he could very easily feel that he was the one to blame for the blow up on Friday and your subsequent break up. I guess all your dc won't have much awareness of the history behind H's behaviour. They'll need to be reassured again and again that these problems have been in the making for many years and nothing to do with them.

Original poster
Canwegodancing · 06/04/2021 10:15

Thank u all

He just phoned he is looking for a place to go so we need to stay where we are until he is sorted
"If I go this is it there's no way back"
It almost felt like I dunno an ultimatum
I just said
U need to get sorted I cant be around that while u do
So that's it
If i hadn't posted here last night and read some of your comments
I might have wavered

Xxx

OP posts:
pointythings · 06/04/2021 10:30

You're doing the right thing. He's been a 'not quite dry' drunk for 8 years - no (or little) alcohol but all the other issues (anger) still firmly in place. And you and your DC shouldn't have to live like that.

You need to push him on finding a place to live. It's ridiculous that you and your DC have had to leave; it should be him leaving, even if that means sofa surfing or a shitty bed and breakfast until he finds somewhere. He'll try to procrastinate to make you so desperate you'll go back - don't let him.

allgoodinthehood · 06/04/2021 10:53

Just to be very clear that was an ultimatum.

PriestessofPing · 06/04/2021 10:58

That does sound like it was an ultimatum. You’ve done the right thing. How is your son today?

gwilt · 06/04/2021 11:40

I wanted to take the time to say you are amazing. Currently helping my friend who has taken 10 years to start to exit a 20 year abusive relationship, at great damage to herself (luckily, no children), and still not out of it. The difficulty of making such decisions is unfathomable to those who aren't going through it.

Original poster
Canwegodancing · 06/04/2021 11:55

Thank u all
I took part in the family type therapy when he did the rehab years ago
So I suppose there's a little something there this time letting me trust my feelings now
I have kept life going all the time up until then
Bills paid etc etc
He has been struggling
0 beer every day at home is a sign I'm glad a pp said that
But I can no longer keep it up
My thoughts to anyone going through this or if u had previously
Thank u all for taking the time to post it means a lot

OP posts:
Original poster
Canwegodancing · 06/04/2021 11:56

@PriestessofPing

That does sound like it was an ultimatum. You’ve done the right thing. How is your son today?
He is quiet but ok but is usually quiet anyway
OP posts:
Original poster
Canwegodancing · 06/04/2021 11:59

@allgoodinthehood

Just to be very clear that was an ultimatum.
That was my instant thought on the phone I almost swallowed it back
OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 06/04/2021 12:09

Sounds like the booze is just an excuse to be a bully. Perhaps he wasn't feeling like the king in his own castle so wanted to throw his weight around. And thought if he had booze at the time you might think it was the problem because it was just making him this way. When intact, it's all him.

You cant have your kids around him bit I would seek legal advice about the home asap (if you own) as not being in residence could cause you trouble. HE should have been the one to leave, not you and the kids.

Wanderlusto · 06/04/2021 12:09

*infact

pointythings · 06/04/2021 12:09

There's nothing wrong with issuing an ultimatum. But you have to keep to it. You've given this man 8 years to change and he hasn't. It's enough, time to let him go and move on. I know where you're coming from - I tried for 6.5 years to support my alcoholic husband, and I got absolutely bloody nowhere. He was never even vaguely sober in all that time. When I finally issued the ultimatum and stuck to it, that led to an extremely difficult 4 months at the end of which he was removed from our house by the police, and he died 8 months later. I still have no regrets. This will be hard, but you're doing the right thing for your DS.

Original poster
Canwegodancing · 06/04/2021 12:18

@pointythings

There's nothing wrong with issuing an ultimatum. But you have to keep to it. You've given this man 8 years to change and he hasn't. It's enough, time to let him go and move on. I know where you're coming from - I tried for 6.5 years to support my alcoholic husband, and I got absolutely bloody nowhere. He was never even vaguely sober in all that time. When I finally issued the ultimatum and stuck to it, that led to an extremely difficult 4 months at the end of which he was removed from our house by the police, and he died 8 months later. I still have no regrets. This will be hard, but you're doing the right thing for your DS.
Thanks Sorry just to clarify but it was him that issued the ultimatum not me Basically telling if he goes that's it he won't be back I think he thought I would say no its ok talk to doc and we'll be back in a few days I just can't be around him and don't want the kids to be around it either. Sorry prob not making sense a lot of the time
OP posts:
Chocolateismakingmefat · 06/04/2021 12:22

Alcohol and anger broke my first marriage also. Hasn't realised he was drunk when he collected me and the dc from a relatives.. Drive dangerously home. Then he left. I rang the police. He was arrested for drink driving and taken to his dm's post the police station.. He got a lift back and tried to throw me down the stairs in front of older dc - 6+9 ish. Police needed to physically restrain him and told me to get rid of him. I filed for divorce the next day. You will find the strength to do the same.