Endless family conflict and need of a handhold

[DrowsyDragon]

My parents and my DH have never got on. My parents can be quite controlling and definitely offer their views like law. They are not easy people but they are my parents. We live in the same town and were just about rubbing along until lockdown. My DH had a full nervous breakdown including secret drinking to the point he was hospitalised with pancreatitis. He is now in therapy both for his mental issue and his drinking. I was pregnant with our second DC (conceived via IVF) at the time and left him for awhile with DD1 and stayed with my parents. He stayed sober and in therapy during my absence so I returned after the birth of DD2 to see how our family could work out. It is HARD. He is still suffering a lot with anxiety attacks, though I believe he has stayed sober. He is connecting with me more and is wonderful” with our DC though he does very little around the house now and frequently takes time to do breathing exercises.

MY parents have been furious with him, beyond furious and both have said I should divorce him. I believe that is still a thing that could happen but I am not ready to throw the towel in yet and he is really trying - in sickness and health right? A short while ago he and my parents had a discussion about the dc where DH told my parents they had to respect our boundaries. The discussion rapidly escalated to shouting and I took the DC to a safe difference. Both sides agree that my DF then lost his temper and physically shoved my DH into a door. DH did not retaliate physically. We have not seen them since this, and have been in couples counselling for our own relationship and to discuss what to do with my parents. We are due to see them soon to try and repair that relationship and let DC see their grandparents. I know mum in particular is furious with me for “taking DH’s side“ and not seeing that they were provoked. Some days I just want to grab DC, bin my phone and never see any if them again. For any one who has got this far, any advice, sympathy would be welcome. I feel so ground down.

Bumping op. Tough situation but try and see it from their side. You're their daughter and they want whats best but that being said should support and respect your decisions. If my dp were against my dh I would still expect them to be amicable and not so obvious about it

Thanks @Jesskir89. Yeah I just want both sides to be polite, let the girls see their grandparents and let me and DH figure it out it. But be really hard for them but intervening the way they did made things worse. Maybe this will be the turning point? Fingers crossed.

Your husband is recovering from a nervous breakdown and your father's reaction is to violently assault him? That's despicable.

If they're furious at him for having a nervous breakdown and anxiety attacks, that's also despicable. Would they be furious if he'd had a physical injury he was struggling to recover from? Do they take mental health seriously at all?

Sod repairing the relationship. I'd never want to see them again. They owe you and your husband a full and grovelling apology. They've behaved in a vile fashion.

What a lot you are having to deal with. Based on what you said - and there is probably a lot more to it - your parents sound like a nightmare. Your DM should not be surprised that you took your DH side. He was physically assaulted. I really feel for you having to deal with these dynamics. My DM and DH don't get on that well and seem to fight for control and there is a kind of constant silent battle but we live hours away, so it's a bit more manageable. I hope you can find an amicable solution and they can respect your boundaries and your decisions.

It sounds like some breathing space might not be a bad idea. Why does your DH need to be spending any time with them at the moment. I get on marvellously with my PIL but my DH often visits them without me.

I suggest there needs to be some firm boundaries and rules set out- no one should be acting or shouting like this in front of children. I would let them see the DC but perhaps give some time for this to settle down a bit for everyone else.

It’s a tough one, I can see both sides - your DH is doing his best, but it’s not good enough and your parents are having to pick up the pieces. You are caught in the cross fire. It’s not the life anyone would want for their daughter, but whilst you still want to make a go of it with your DH they should support you in your decision.

You have row problems OP that are beginning mixed together your parents & your DH.

You've already said your parents are controlling unfortunately it sounds like your DD can be aggressive when someone disagrees. You will have been conditioned custom a child to do as they say that means it can be quite hard to stand up to them and put in boundaries. However your husband is right they must respect you are the parents not them, so your boundaries around your children are that ones they must respect.

I'm not sure I'd be allowing someone who sounded the me children's parent near my children without supervision.

Secondly your DH or does sound like you are on track with him although of he knows how difficult for parents are could be have not picked the fight. Depending on what it was over.

I would also ask yourself (I'm not criticising) why you didn't intervene with your parents and say please respect X/Y/Z (whatever the boundary was). I suspect it's because you've been taught you don't have the right to have your own boundaries only your parent's ones count.

I have a very domineering gather and he reacts terribly to people asserting their boundaries so you have my sympathy or I have your back whichever is more help

Oh for an edit button I'm sure it didn't have all those typos🤦‍♀️

Oh dear what is it you really want are with your husband out of duty and obligation? in sickness and health right? this doesn't sound promising and he does very little around the house

DH told my parents they had to respect our boundaries does he normally speak for you?

You need to stop thinking about pleasing everyone else, decide what you want and create your own boundaries.

@gannett my parents are very “of their generation” with mental health issues. I don’t think they really believe in it. Certainly when I was depressed and briefly on antidepressants in my twenties they were pretty dismissive/hostile. My elder DC used to see them weekly and is missing them badly and is too young for explanations. If it weren’t for her I’d be letting this lie a lot longer. I also feel a duty to them.

@MajesticWhine they mean to be loving and helpful I think but it’s very their way or the high way. DM will do things like not give my DC back when they are crying and both parents left me with the conviction that their way of doing things is right. It can be uncomfortable having them in the house because our ideas of a nice home are different. But I am their only DC and I feel obliged to them.

We’ve not seen them for some weeks and are re-allowing contact for the DC on the advice of our therapist and the DC’s own expressed wishes. The therapist also advised DH being present for the start of the first meeting so parents acknowledge him but then he is going to leave and I’ll handle the rest of the contact.

It sounds as though your parents are focusing on the drinking and/or are totally unsympathetic with regard to his mental health problems. I know plenty of the older generation who would think the same to be honest and see your DH as a total waste of space and be furious with what you’re having to go through. I’m not saying that it’s right but they won’t be alone in thinking like that. I would ask your DH how he would view a future partner of your DC who was like him. Can he try to see it from their point of view at all? Can you explain that he isn’t doing much around the house and they are angry that you are having to do it all, s as bd that you need him to start taking on more household work?
And then you need to tackle your parents. There should be an apology from your father. I would make it very clear to your parents that you are disgusted by what he did and that you cannot have your DC anywhere near them at the moment. I think you need a break from them for a while. If your father is prepared to do what he did then what do you think he would be saying to your DC about their dad? Can you trust them not to speak about your DH negatively or in any way talk about the situation with your husband while they are there? If not, some time away from them might be best.
I hope your DH makes progress and that you come through this together as that seems to be what you need. You will need to speak firmly to your parents if you are sure that you can work things out as they either support you in your decision or stay out of it.
I wish you luck OP and entirely j set stand DH you need some time away. Is there any chance once rules relax that you can get a night away somewhere with the kids, have an evening meal and put a film on in the hotel room and have a relaxing evening?

Apologies - should say entirely understand

Oh dear - still not clear! Entirely understand that you need some time away .

You’re completely stuck in the middle and to be honest, if you did go away and live somewhere else on your own with the kids and have little contact with any of them you’d probably have a wonderful life. You’re stuck being controlled on all sides. Your parents and your DHs mental health issues. It’s ok to not put up with any of it.

Several you have mentioned our relationship, mine with my parents and why I didn’t intervene.
I love DH desperately. We have been together for a very long time but this year has been incredibly hard and corrosive to our relationship and we are slowly rebuilding. If we can be rebuild I would be thrilled, I can’t imagine myself ever loving someone else like him. However if he can’t continue to recover or lapses back into drinking I think the relationship wouldn’t sustain and I would have to put DC first. That might account for some of the way I am talking about him I love him but I am trying to keep in the forefront of my mind that I MUST prioritise the DCif there is any conflict between their having the best life they can and being in my marriage. This is also partly why some contact with my parents is desirable if hard.

The boundaries DH raised were previously discussed with him and me and I agreed to them and modified them before the conversation with parents. I am not great at conflict with them. I either become very upset or start trying to placate everyone.

My ideal at the moment would be a polite but limited relationship with them while DH and I work on everything but one that allows DCs their relationship with their grandparents

Your father was violent towards your husband. If your FIL was violent towards you what level of contact would you be happy to have with him? What level of contact would you be happy for your children to have with him? In the future - if one of your children’s in laws was violent towards them would you be happy for your Son-IL / Daughter-IL to keep in contact with them or would you expect them to be loyal to your child and their spouse?

Do you let your children be around other violent people?

Your dh may be a bit of a crap husband but you expecting him to be around someone who has been violent towards him or expecting him to allow his children to be around the violent man makes you a much worse wife.

@stoopider I feel completely stuck. Ironically I have a great friend support net work in my town, so sometimes if I could just stay here with my friends it would be easiest. DH and I were happy for many years before he got ill. I do hope we can get back to that. He was Avery supportive partner and just great fun before he got ill. Having him used to be a great support to my relationship with my parents cos I felt so safe and secure and happy with him.

For those asking, I have NEVER known my father to be violent to anyone previously. He never raised a finger to me, my mum or anyone else that I know of bar a few fights in his teens. I have told him that I don’t think “I was provoked” or “this is out of character” is an excuse and it must be apologised for and never happen again.

I hope DH will return to his more involved ways as he recovers. The journey is a bit hard.

The boundaries DH raised were previously discussed with him and me and I agreed to them and modified them before the conversation with parents. I am not great at conflict with them. I either become very upset or start trying to placate everyone.

Seriously?!?!? You and your husband agreed the boundaries and then as soon as it got a bit awkward you fucked off with the kids and left him to be assaulted by your father?

OP have you been completely honest about your relationship with your DH prior to his illness? Was he an equal partner, not just "great fun"? Did he do his equal share of parenting and shitwork?

I'm in no way excusing your parents' poor behaviour but I know from experience how hard it is when someone you love is suffering in a relationship. Alcoholism is particularly insidious and worrying for the long term.

I hope you find a way through for you and your children.

@Mumoftwoinprimary

The boundaries DH raised were previously discussed with him and me and I agreed to them and modified them before the conversation with parents. I am not great at conflict with them. I either become very upset or start trying to placate everyone.

Seriously?!?!? You and your husband agreed the boundaries and then as soon as it got a bit awkward you fucked off with the kids and left him to be assaulted by your father?

I think removing small children from a volatile situation was exactly the right thing to do.

DM will do things like not give my DC back when they are crying and both parents left me with the conviction that their way of doing things is right. It can be uncomfortable having them in the house because our ideas of a nice home are different. But I am their only DC and I feel obliged to them

You are in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt, google it) you do not owe them anything. They are abusive and overstep boundaries. If a friend held onto your crying child what would you think? Just because you are connected by blood does not mean you have to have a relationship with them.

Your eldest DC probably does love them because she doesn't know what a normal Grandparent looks like. We felt like this about our GM until we got older and realised what a mean, pernicious, cruel, nit-picking, bullying woman she really was. We luckily had a lovely GM to compare our awful GM to.

It is your duty to protect your children. You Dad physically assaulted your husband. I wouldn't be seeing them for a long time especially as they are defending their actions.

Your parents don't sound very nice or supportive, and you're minimising it with terms like "of their generation".

You're an adult, you get to set the boundaries of any relationships you have, not them.

I think I would be telling them you need space. Work on your marriage and getting your Dh to a better place. I bet he will recover more swiftly if your parents are not involved so much in your life.

Sadly your family is your circus, your monkeys. You don't see anything wrong with it as this is normal to you. But your poor Dh has had to deal with their judgement and non belief at his MH which should have made you cut contact at that point.

I think removing small children from a volatile situation was exactly the right thing to do.

Well - yes - but not by leaving her husband with her violent father. Her father - her problem. She asks her husband to take the kids out and then deals with her own parent. One of the few things me and dh have got right in our marriage is our rule of ”we are each responsible for our own relatives”.