Endless family conflict and need of a handhold

[DrowsyDragon]

My parents and my DH have never got on. My parents can be quite controlling and definitely offer their views like law. They are not easy people but they are my parents. We live in the same town and were just about rubbing along until lockdown. My DH had a full nervous breakdown including secret drinking to the point he was hospitalised with pancreatitis. He is now in therapy both for his mental issue and his drinking. I was pregnant with our second DC (conceived via IVF) at the time and left him for awhile with DD1 and stayed with my parents. He stayed sober and in therapy during my absence so I returned after the birth of DD2 to see how our family could work out. It is HARD. He is still suffering a lot with anxiety attacks, though I believe he has stayed sober. He is connecting with me more and is wonderful” with our DC though he does very little around the house now and frequently takes time to do breathing exercises.

MY parents have been furious with him, beyond furious and both have said I should divorce him. I believe that is still a thing that could happen but I am not ready to throw the towel in yet and he is really trying - in sickness and health right? A short while ago he and my parents had a discussion about the dc where DH told my parents they had to respect our boundaries. The discussion rapidly escalated to shouting and I took the DC to a safe difference. Both sides agree that my DF then lost his temper and physically shoved my DH into a door. DH did not retaliate physically. We have not seen them since this, and have been in couples counselling for our own relationship and to discuss what to do with my parents. We are due to see them soon to try and repair that relationship and let DC see their grandparents. I know mum in particular is furious with me for “taking DH’s side“ and not seeing that they were provoked. Some days I just want to grab DC, bin my phone and never see any if them again. For any one who has got this far, any advice, sympathy would be welcome. I feel so ground down.

"I plan to keep everything neutral. Short meetings, away from either home and generally just me involved".

The problem with that approach is that you are not emotionally safe enough anyway to be around them, let alone your children. Your boundaries also re them are weak to say the very least as well and there is no guarantee that even outside the home either parent will behave better. They've already given you as their mother ample evidence of just how terrible they are towards them as well. I remember you from previous writings re your mother in particular. Thank goodness she no longer looks after your eldest child.

I am also wondering whether your first boyfriend was very much like your parents really. If that is the case that is why they liked him - they saw him as a kindred spirit.

What lead to DH breakdown?

The taking time out to do breathing exercises I guess needs to be seen as essential medication and complimentary to his therapies. In fact it shows he is working at recovery. Unhelpful as it might feel in the house.

Honestly you have so much sympathy from me. And a similar story to mine.

Whatever your position 2 years ago since then you have had ivf, toddler and pregnancy and new baby, Covid era and whatever else life has thrown at you. HARD without the illness and then the nay sayers chiming in.

Cutting as much emotional pressure as possible out of family life would be my recommendation. Even buy in some house work support.

Be wary of setting a precedent with your parents that bad behaviour wins them the prize of having your kids unsupervised.

Ultimately if anyone is less than neutral regarding your marriage, you and your kids do not need to hear it!

@AttilaTheMeerkat

"I plan to keep everything neutral. Short meetings, away from either home and generally just me involved".

The problem with that approach is that you are not emotionally safe enough anyway to be around them, let alone your children. Your boundaries also re them are weak to say the very least as well and there is no guarantee that even outside the home either parent will behave better. They've already given you as their mother ample evidence of just how terrible they are towards them as well. I remember you from previous writings re your mother in particular. Thank goodness she no longer looks after your eldest child.

I am also wondering whether your first boyfriend was very much like your parents really. If that is the case that is why they liked him - they saw him as a kindred spirit.

I am hoping that short trips to the park will be safe but you raise valid concerns and I will keep that in mind. My first boyfriend was the most amenable sweet guy. He would go along with anyone. I think they liked his malleability. I am not sure if their liking would have lasted if he ans I had stayed together and we’d got older.

@ShowMeHow

What lead to DH breakdown?

The taking time out to do breathing exercises I guess needs to be seen as essential medication and complimentary to his therapies. In fact it shows he is working at recovery. Unhelpful as it might feel in the house.

Honestly you have so much sympathy from me. And a similar story to mine.

Whatever your position 2 years ago since then you have had ivf, toddler and pregnancy and new baby, Covid era and whatever else life has thrown at you. HARD without the illness and then the nay sayers chiming in.

Cutting as much emotional pressure as possible out of family life would be my recommendation. Even buy in some house work support.

Be wary of setting a precedent with your parents that bad behaviour wins them the prize of having your kids unsupervised.

Ultimately if anyone is less than neutral regarding your marriage, you and your kids do not need to hear it!

A variety of things. Burnout, lockdown and some trauma from earlier in his life. Basically it all came to a head.

The breathing exercises definitely seem to help and he is being so much more honest which Is good. I still have hope that his recovery is a process. Parents will definitely not bring having unsupervised contact.