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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I right to be so fed up with DP?

57 replies

Cogfarm · 04/04/2021 06:01

Been up for an hour and a half with DS, tried everything to settle him. As a last resort I take him to watch TV. DP is asleep on the sofa. I ask him to put TV on while I make milk. DP doesn’t do this, he tries singing to him. It’s not working and DS is getting increasingly upset. DP has removed batteries from remote earlier in the evening, and I can’t work out how to turn TV on, DS still upset, DP still singing and not helping me. I get really angry and explain that I’ve tried everything, and this is my last resort. DP eventually helps me turn it on. I tell him to go to bed, as I know DS will settle with me. DP refuses. I go to bed fuming, but DS settles with DP on sofa. At this point I would have returned him to cot had I been with DS, but DP keeps him on sofa and falls asleep himself. 1 hour later, DS wakes up again and is really upset. Crying goes on for 15mins, I come to help. DP again refusing to put TV back on - but is trying to put TV on his phone. His phone crashes - but it takes seconds to put TV on- which I do - having worked out remote. DS settles in about a minute, and I return him to cot. Again I’m fuming with DP. As a rule I don’t use TV to settle, only when DS is really upset and I’ve tried everything else. I’ve just told DP I hate him, and his behaviour is nasty and passive aggressive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cogfarm · 04/04/2021 06:09

Also - it’s now 6am. I don’t think DP even knows it’s Easter Sunday. I’m just about to sort out eggs and put them round the garden for a hunt. He’ll probably have a lie in now until 9am - while I’ve had approx 3hours sleep.

OP posts:
Cordial11 · 04/04/2021 06:13

I don't quite understand the story but from what I gather no one is wrong just acted tired and frustrated maybe?

CloudFormations · 04/04/2021 06:16

How old is your baby? Depending on his age, your DP falling asleep with him on the sofa could be really dangerous.

category12 · 04/04/2021 06:32

How about asking him to get up and let you stay in bed, and asking him to put the eggs out instead? Or, since I bet you've already set up the egg hunt since posting, just go to bed and ask him to take over.

You're over-tired and angry, but it doesn't help to be passive aggressive about it. You just prove to yourself how useless he is and how badly done to you are. Ask for what you need instead of resenting him. (If he's basically a good guy but getting it wrong, that is. If he's deliberately obstructive and lazy, it's different).

Original poster
Cogfarm · 04/04/2021 06:35

He’s 2. And he’s just woken up again while I’m trying to settle him and sort out Easter stuff. I hate DP, I really, really, really hate him. He’s fucking snoozing and ignoring it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cogfarm · 04/04/2021 06:39

@category12 I don’t know. Is he a good guy? Is that good guy behaviour? To just be so completely unaware - or just doing a very simple thing when I asked for help.

OP posts:
DoveCube · 04/04/2021 06:44

It is frustrating when your the one trying to sort everything whilst your dp is sleeping. Can you have a lie down today whilst dp watches the children ?

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/04/2021 06:45

You've had no sleep. I hate everyone when I've had no sleep.

However you haven't described behaviour that I would get that angry about. Maybe it's a pattern, maybe there's something else. But your DP seemed to be trying to help. Just not in the exact way you wanted.

nohelp · 04/04/2021 06:56

Your exhausted. Best thing I’ve learnt after 21 years of marriage. Don’t argue when your tired. Think about what you want to say. Why did it anger you. Talk it through. Don’t get angry. Ask for help instead.

category12 · 04/04/2021 06:57

I don't know if he's a good guy, op, only you can say what sort of person he is. Really depends on the back story of your relationship.

Why don't you wake him up and ask him to take over? Will he get up if you ask him to? If he won't, I agree he's a dickhead.

You kinda have a choice of what your day will be here - you can fume and be knackered while he sleeps, or you can get him up, go to bed and get some rest and have a better day when you do get up.

OfTheNight · 04/04/2021 06:58

Ok, first off you don’t need to be faffing about with Easter eggs right now, so bin that off for a bit.

To me it reads like you are both tired. He didn’t think properly and it got on your nerves. Do you guys have strategies in place for when DS wakes and do you take turns? Both of you getting up probably isn’t helping.

I do remember ds getting to 2 and really being at breaking point because he still never slept and I’d been through the baby stage and waited but DS never got any better, which is so worrying and frustrating. So just be kind to yourself and to DP because it’s so exhausting.

Original poster
Cogfarm · 04/04/2021 07:11

Thank you all. DS has never been a good sleeper, and it feels like DP has never been on board with trying to settle him, or just assumes I’ll do it. I was annoyed last weekend because I needed to take my elderly DM to hospital appts - and DP needed to pick up DD from school. He was WFH, and knew well in advance about 1 of the days but ‘forgot’. Then Good Friday - I’d been up, booking things for the weekend - shopping - and we ended up being 20mins late for an appt - because DP was ‘waiting for the bread’ and couldn’t possibly have got the children dressed etc while I was out shopping. Journey to the appt, he had no idea of route even though we’ve been there many, many times. Yesterday I spent most of the day annoyed and now fuming today too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cogfarm · 04/04/2021 07:13

Easter eggs done now. Do the same every year, and for DD it’s like Santa not coming. Thing is - DD has just got up, is playing with DS and cheering him up. She knows exactly how to settle him and make him happy - and she’s 10!

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OverTheRubicon · 04/04/2021 07:16

@MrsTerryPratchett

You've had no sleep. I hate everyone when I've had no sleep.

However you haven't described behaviour that I would get that angry about. Maybe it's a pattern, maybe there's something else. But your DP seemed to be trying to help. Just not in the exact way you wanted.

All of this. Although he mustn't fall asleep with DS on the sofa.

You do have to let him find his own ways of soothing DS, or you'll end up either perpetually over his shoulder, or you'll take over, he'll back off and leave you too it - either way you'll end up hating each other properly.

Okbussitout · 04/04/2021 07:18

As you eluded to regarding a few days this week there's seemingly other stuff going on which is building this resentment. It's hard to know if it's just exhaustion or you're not sharing the load equally. Is that how you feel op?

Singlenotsingle · 04/04/2021 07:19

Why was dp asleep on the sofa anyway? Why not In bed, out of the way? He sounds like a wet lettuce tbh. I doubt I'd have much patience with him either.

OverTheRubicon · 04/04/2021 07:22

Reading the rest of your updates, though, he does sound useless. Has he always been this useless? Is DD his too, or is this his first? I'd assumed he was a first time dad, but no, this isn't all ok when there are other kids and then he's leaving you in charge of Easter and everything else ..

Original poster
Cogfarm · 04/04/2021 07:23

DS is 2, so ok on the sofa. DD is brilliant at settling him. DP just insists on singing the same song over and over again, and doesn’t seem to even realise that it’s not working or change tack. It’s like the crying doesn’t bother DP, or prompt him to take action.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cogfarm · 04/04/2021 07:24

No DD is his, and yep - pretty useless then too. Hence the big age gap - seems I’d forgotten how useless.

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Original poster
Cogfarm · 04/04/2021 07:25

But I can’t remember him being ‘this’ useless which asked me think it is somewhat intentional.

OP posts:
pinksquash13 · 04/04/2021 07:26

It doesn't sound like he behaved horrifically tbh. You sound tired as I'm sure you are with a 2 year old. Every parents of a young child wants to kill their partner at points. Sending solidarity. I would just try to park any resentment and get on with the day.

Original poster
Cogfarm · 04/04/2021 07:31

@pinksquash13 I have given up on the ‘trying not to feel resentful’. I feel fucking resentful. I’m now sorting out breakfasts. DD is so excited to see the eggs in the garden but wants to wait for Daddy. He’ll be in bed til 9. He probably would take over if I asked. But it’s the asking. I shouldn’t have to ask. Why do I have to instruct him what to do? Why can’t he think or notice for himself?

OP posts:
OverTheRubicon · 04/04/2021 07:37

@pinksquash13

It doesn't sound like he behaved horrifically tbh. You sound tired as I'm sure you are with a 2 year old. Every parents of a young child wants to kill their partner at points. Sending solidarity. I would just try to park any resentment and get on with the day.
If he's 2, why is he being settled with milk, or TV? I think we'd mostly assumed he was a young baby.

DH absolutely needs to do better, but also it seems like unless your DS has other issues you haven't mentioned, you might have other opportunities to improve his sleep so that at least that part of parenting can get a lot easier.

Original poster
Cogfarm · 04/04/2021 07:44

@OverTheRubicon DS usually doesn’t need TV but he’s had an awful runny nose. So last resort is Baby Jake and milk. Otherwise, it’s fairly normal that he wakes once in the night, but goes back to sleep with a bit of singing/music. When he was a baby he was terrible - he’s gradually got better. However I have got into a pattern of really poor sleeping as a result of how DS was as a baby.

OP posts:
category12 · 04/04/2021 07:47

But it's self-defeating to just fume and resent him, yet let him sleep and do everything yourself. It just adds to your anger.

Of course he should think of things, but he's not going to, so either you kick him up the arse and get him to do something, or he sleeps and you resent him some more.