Am I right to be so fed up with DP?

[Cogfarm]

Been up for an hour and a half with DS, tried everything to settle him. As a last resort I take him to watch TV. DP is asleep on the sofa. I ask him to put TV on while I make milk. DP doesn’t do this, he tries singing to him. It’s not working and DS is getting increasingly upset. DP has removed batteries from remote earlier in the evening, and I can’t work out how to turn TV on, DS still upset, DP still singing and not helping me. I get really angry and explain that I’ve tried everything, and this is my last resort. DP eventually helps me turn it on. I tell him to go to bed, as I know DS will settle with me. DP refuses. I go to bed fuming, but DS settles with DP on sofa. At this point I would have returned him to cot had I been with DS, but DP keeps him on sofa and falls asleep himself. 1 hour later, DS wakes up again and is really upset. Crying goes on for 15mins, I come to help. DP again refusing to put TV back on - but is trying to put TV on his phone. His phone crashes - but it takes seconds to put TV on- which I do - having worked out remote. DS settles in about a minute, and I return him to cot. Again I’m fuming with DP. As a rule I don’t use TV to settle, only when DS is really upset and I’ve tried everything else. I’ve just told DP I hate him, and his behaviour is nasty and passive aggressive.

But the hallmarks of passive aggressive are all there with DP - the lateness, forgetfulness, procrastination, not hearing, not noticing. It’s constant.

But, op

You said that TV was absolutely the last resort- but your DP DID settle him ?
Do you let him try things out, or do you insist it's all done your way?

No matter how tired, it is really really awful to tell your partner you hate him.

@category12 TBH everything is really calm and happy (apart from my inner fuming) - I won’t be able to get back to sleep - and I’ll just get really pissed off/things will get fraught again if he’s in the same room as me.

Go and wake your dh up and tell him that your dc want to do the Easter eggs.

Let school ring your dh when he's late to collect the dc

Leave for your appointment without your dh is he's not ready on time

I'm afraid your enabling your dh behaviour some of the time

The singing and not bothered about the crying would drive me mental tho. Ear plugs and bed for you at this point

Your dh’s behaviour is baffling really

He gets told to put on the tv and instead sings a song and ignores the fact that ds is still crying

When you’re both awake later, ask him why he wouldn’t put the tv on..

@Somethingkindaoooo no, he didn’t settle him. I insisted on the TV and DP reluctantly put it on. And then DS stopped crying. DP then wouldn’t move off the sofa. I do hate him, I don’t fucking care. He’s been really, really awful to me - but gets away with it by being so fucking passive.

@harknesswitch yes. You’re right. I’m not enabling it any more. I’m going out today with the children, and if he can’t get his arse in gear he can just stay home. I’m going to sort things out independently of him - it’s much easier.

Your partner doesn't want to parent. He wants you to do it all.

YABU, I can't see what he's actually done wrong

It sounds like you're micromanaging your DP.

Give him the job of settling your DS then just leave him to it. If you (sorry for saying it this way) breathe down his neck because only you know best, how will he ever get the hang of it?

You need to take a step back, allow him to make his mistakes and he like you will learn what works, what doesn't work and also how his child responds and what his needs are. It will improve their bond and relationship.

In the latest situation, you shouldn't have got involved with the TV etc, you could have gone back to bed and left him to it.

@OrchestraOfWankery

Your partner doesn't want to parent. He wants you to do it all.

In this case, it is the OP who isn't giving the DP a chance to parent, he probably just feels he can't win so why bother?

@Cogfarm I really feel for you. I loathed dh when the children were small. I know you shouldn’t have to ask, but I regret not asking. I would simmer and burn with anger and resentment, which, looking back was not great for anybody. Believe me I know how much you hate him, wait till your anger dissipates a little and then talk to him, it’s the only way through this.
Sending you all the best and hope your children enjoy the Easter egg hunt. You are doing so well.

@daisychain01 it does feel like I’m breathing down his neck/I know best. I do feel like a bully. However -DD gets its right, and I don’t behave in a similar way with her at all. She’s brilliant with him. But I can’t bear DS’s upset/screaming getting louder and louder AND louder while DP is being inept.

@daisychain01 I feel like I do give him the chance, but he doesn’t want the chance

If you genuinely want to do something, you’d do it with care, consideration, listening to your child’s needs.

But bless you and thank you for all your words of encouragement. I’m sure I’ll be in a better mood later. I’m sure they’ll love the hunt!

You said DS normally settles with singing/music so I can kind of see why your DP was singing...trying to stick to DS norm. Yes you wanted the TV on for him as a last resort, maybe your DP wasn't at last resort stage but you didn't want to allow him that judgment call. Look you're tired and cross, but you're not being 100% fair here. Us mums are mostly martyrs and I completely understand. The only way is to give him a task, remove yourself and let him get on with it. And yes, you DO need to give him a task, organisation is clearly your talent, but let carrying it out be his. If he fucks up, it's on him. Delegate ❣️

@Cogfarm I'm not sure if you remember, there was a long-standing thread on here about inept husbands and the general theme was that they act that way deliberately because it means the woman steps and does the task properly.

This is what he's doing to you, so unfortunately you need to play him at his game, let him cock it up a few times (buy yourself some earplugs ) but whatever you do, don't step in and rescue him. It will be difficult because you'll want to say "oh just get out of my way and let me deal with it!".

Also it will be very good for your lovely DD to see that it isn't always left down to mum to deal with it, that dad has to take part as well.

Have a lovely 🐣 Easter x

@Gilda152 I’d like to think that’s how it was - in which case I’d be all up for peace and harmony later on. But it wasn’t. DS was very upset, I’d asked for help with the remote/put TV on while I got milk. And DP just refused. And DS was getting worse. I’d say DP’s priority in the situation was ‘not to let me win’ rather than to get DS settled.

@daisychain01 thank you!! You too - have a nice Easter. The rescuing stops today (except it’s less rescuing and more ‘what the hell are you doing??). I keep seeing myself as a bully as I’m so overt in my reactions. However, surely being deliberately passive is bullying too?? He can see how stressed I get when I try to organise everything - but he still does nothing to help. I’m sure he sees me as a bully, himself as a victim. And it’s partly this perpetual victim mentality that is driving me nuts.

Tell him to get up, it's Easter abd his children don't want to wait for his lazy selfish ass to get out of bed. He needs to pull his weight. He sounds like he's checked out. If that's the case you should consider actually being a single parent because you're getting enough practice!

Cogfarm nobody won. But DS did settle for a bit, grab that solace and run with it!!

Do you plan on staying together, because staying with someone you hate is not going to be healthy for either of you.

Maybe you'd be better off considering splitting up?

It sounds like you've lost so much respect for him (understandably) that you're on the way to contempt, and once you're there, there's really no way back from that. And if you feel like you're becoming someone you don't want to be, it might be better to stop the ride before it gets really toxic.

I dunno. He’s still not fucking up. I’m fed up with telling him to pull his weight. He can just fuck off.