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Original poster

Do you think he regrets what happened?

73 replies

bluetulipsandjam · 03/04/2021 20:01

A short version of a very shit divorce. Ex husband of 23 years left to be with much younger OW (literally overnight). This was a complete shock as I felt our marriage was ok and there was clearly still something between us!

OW got pregnant (her pill didn't work that day apparently !) within three months and basically ex husband was told by everyone he knew that he'd look a complete C**t if he left her with a new baby, just as he'd dumped his wife and two heart broken, teenage children.

To say that the divorce has been vile is an understatement (mainly because the ex refused to engage in any discussions and everything had to be done via lawyers) . He hid his marriage to the OW as well as the second baby from our kids as well as his family. Odd? Family say it was for visa reasons... but whatever...

Out of nowhere, ex started writing to me about a week ago (we've not spoken in three years) ago asking if we could be civil. I agreed, although hurtful truths were written between and he immediately blocked me again. This is his default as he always runs away from any confrontation. I just rolled my eyes and carried on with life.

A couple of days ago he came to pick up our child and I was out by my car, about to go to work. He literally leapt out of the car, rushed towards me and said "wow.. you're looking really good!". He then proceeded to scoop me up in a cuddle and say "Please don't hate me!".

This was over in a matter or seconds as I had to shoot off to work. Needless to say, Im really perplexed. I'd NEVER get back with him but my heart has always known that our marriage was not dead.

What is he playing at?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 03/04/2021 20:04

He's playing you, that's what he's playing at. He treated you really badly. Things are probably going badly at home and he's looked at you and realised things weren't that bad with you. Don't let him back in, OP. Stay strong!

Wanderlusto · 03/04/2021 20:09

Lol. No.

He's just playing you.
As pp said, he is bored with the other women. His sort always see the grass greener somewhere else.

He'll be setting you up for narcissistic triangulation (playing you off against eachother).

Dont fall for it.

coodawoodashooda · 03/04/2021 20:13

Excellent advice. Nothing to add except to read up on Grey Rock and not let him away with that again.

iMatter · 03/04/2021 20:16

@Wanderlusto

Lol. No.

He's just playing you.
As pp said, he is bored with the other women. His sort always see the grass greener somewhere else.

He'll be setting you up for narcissistic triangulation (playing you off against eachother).

Dont fall for it.

Yes yes and yes to narcissistic triangulation.

Don't fall for it.

seensome · 03/04/2021 20:19

Probably regretting it, now his fun fling has trapped him, he's looking to see if he still 'has it' with you, if he does it again just say yuck get off me!

Lillygolightly · 03/04/2021 20:20

He’s realised that the grass isn’t greener, that’s all!!!

Don’t be swayed, he was a selfish prick back then and he’s still a selfish prick now, the only difference being is he’s a prick who’s now realised that actually he didn’t have it that bad in the first place. It’s made him nostalgic and melancholy, but it’s about him feeling sorry for himself, not him feeling sorry for what he did to you. So in answer to your question, yes maybe he regrets what he did, but it will still be wrapped up in it being all about him, still selfish....because if it wasn’t selfish he would just leave you well alone. You’ve moved on and your stronger now and you don’t need him, or need him to be sorry.

Keep cool calm and collected OP don’t engage with it.

Original poster
bluetulipsandjam · 03/04/2021 20:21

Nice to hear others thoughts... thank you! It's easy to fall for someone suddenly being nice to you after such hatred but I SHALL STAY STRONG !

OP posts:
category12 · 03/04/2021 20:21

Trying to reel you in.

It's clear what you want it to mean despite saying you'd never get back with him.

Original poster
bluetulipsandjam · 03/04/2021 20:23

@Lillygolightly - good advice especially about it begin about himself and not me!

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 03/04/2021 20:29

He's 'forgotten' what a cunt he's been. In his head he's the Hollywood romantic hero. His actions show a complete lack of awareness of how much he's fucked up and hurt you.

He's hearing some 80s rock ballads in his head while he imagines picking you up and spinning you round, as you forgive him and declare undying love. The ow has obviously stopped treating him as the big romantic hero so he's flipped to you. When he says 'civil', he means can you go back to adoring me cos OW isn't now and I need to be adored.

Vinto · 03/04/2021 20:31

He's now a middle aged father of a toddler? Yep, the grass seems greener. Sleepless nights, divided attention with a little human being etc.

Wherearemymarbles · 03/04/2021 23:00

Yep. He is only interested in himself and is delusional enough to believe you will come back to him.

Are you divorced? When you dont fall into his arms normal service will resume.

Onthedunes · 03/04/2021 23:11

Oh God, I think I would have spat on him, how dare he pick you up and touch you.

Please don't fall for his shite.
Tell him he looks really bad, then tell him to feck off.

altiara · 03/04/2021 23:19

Yes, I know which grass looks greener to me! Mum with teenage children versus mum with babies/toddlers. I’m sure he doesn’t regret his 2 new children, but if he had actively made a choice rather than not looking after birth control, what would he has chosen.
Personally, now my kids are older and life is easier (not all of it), I wouldn’t go back to having babies, no matter how adorable they are.

MoppaSprings · 03/04/2021 23:24

Agree with everything @Lillygolightly said.

MarshmallowAra · 03/04/2021 23:25

Well he's certainly consistent; cheated on, mistreated and left you, now acting inappropriately towards & mistreating her (and still you, just in a different way).

Seems like he thought you'd be very grateful and delighted to have his attention and civility. Didn't quite go his way when you said a few home truths but he's not going to stop at the first hurdle, his in person charisma can clearly overcome anything in his head.

He is definitely Mr..Grass is greener.

I've seen several threads on here where a cheating man made his ex wife his mistress (and proceeded to cheat on ow/new woman with her). Don't be the ex wife in that scenario. He'd still be playing you and mistreating you, just in a different way.

MarshmallowAra · 03/04/2021 23:30

So she's had two babies in the last three or so years?

Yeah that'll make someone not look "good" to s shallow, selfish, narcissistic test .. esp because I bet he doesn't pull his weight.
You're a mum so you don't need to be told the strain babies and toddlers put on every part of your life and relationship.

He's doing grass is greener. He thinks he can pick.you back up again because he was the one who cheated and left.

Lollypop701 · 03/04/2021 23:32

running after toddlers....when you’re older = hard work. He’d like to come to you for care and attention, oh and to be centre of the universe (which is why he cheated, but amazingly the kids are again taking top spot). You are well rid... laugh in his face and tell him to go home!

MarshmallowAra · 03/04/2021 23:36

I take it you're single at the moment too : he's take that as you being too devastated by his loss to move on, in his head you're just waiting around for a chance with him, or at the very least are bored and sex starved (men always think single women are sex starved, they never seem tobrealise that most women aren't anywhere near as motivated by sex as most men).

MarshmallowAra · 03/04/2021 23:45

Anyway what does it matter if he regrets it really ....

He's married with two very young children.

If he separated/divorced, would you really get involved with him again. You know he's a cheater, you know he's walked out on a second family, you know he's flaky & selfish, you know he's dishonest .... If you lived together again you'd have to have he and his ex's young kids round your house on a regular basis etc.

What does it matter whether he regrets it or not - if he does it's only for selfish reasons.

Having babies (again) is one of implications of getting together with young women; he wanted the young face & body, the novelty etc. That's the payment for that .. most young women will want children sooner or later, and they're more likely to fall pregnant accidentally or easily if they're not super on top of contraception; but he can't even pay his payment, three years and he's sniffing around another woman because home life is probably nappies, throwing food, tantrums, and a knackered, distracted wife.

AtrociousCircumstance · 03/04/2021 23:49

Christ almighty don’t get sucked in by that shit. Have some self respect.

Who GIVES a shit what he intends/thinks/feels? He’s shallow and untrustworthy and he may feel a rush of nostalgic emotion for you and forget it ten minutes later.

Stop grasping at straws. He’s just an entitled dickhead who wants whatever he wants when he wants it, typical entitlement. He does not care about you and he does not want you, he’s just acting on whims.

You’re better than that Flowers

MarshmallowAra · 03/04/2021 23:55

Family say it was for visa reasons

Hers?
(Take it he's British?)

Maybe she's partly gotten involved with him to secure a visa/residence/whatever. The kids would be the belt and braces .. because they could divorce but she's still have leave to remain or wherever the correct term is because of the children being born in the UK, resident here etc.

Perhaps he's realised it was a factor for her (if indeed it was) in which case he's been used and suckered a little bit himself .. so he'd be waltzing back to ol reliable (who got together with him and was a devoted wife for years without any ulterior motives) for a big of ego stroking (and whatever else Hmm).

MarshmallowAra · 03/04/2021 23:58

but my heart has always known that our marriage was not dead.

Cheated, left, divorced, dealt with you through lawyers cause it suited him, married the ow, had second family, no contact for three years .....

Mate ..

MarshmallowAra · 04/04/2021 00:00

Even if he says he still has feelings, he's about as steady as a weather vane.
He sounds like he has a personality disorder.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/04/2021 00:02

He's trying to play you for a fool in order to have a warm bed to flop into. Don't be that fool.

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