Do you think he regrets what happened?

[bluetulipsandjam]

A short version of a very shit divorce. Ex husband of 23 years left to be with much younger OW (literally overnight). This was a complete shock as I felt our marriage was ok and there was clearly still something between us!

OW got pregnant (her pill didn't work that day apparently !) within three months and basically ex husband was told by everyone he knew that he'd look a complete C**t if he left her with a new baby, just as he'd dumped his wife and two heart broken, teenage children.

To say that the divorce has been vile is an understatement (mainly because the ex refused to engage in any discussions and everything had to be done via lawyers) . He hid his marriage to the OW as well as the second baby from our kids as well as his family. Odd? Family say it was for visa reasons... but whatever...

Out of nowhere, ex started writing to me about a week ago (we've not spoken in three years) ago asking if we could be civil. I agreed, although hurtful truths were written between and he immediately blocked me again. This is his default as he always runs away from any confrontation. I just rolled my eyes and carried on with life.

A couple of days ago he came to pick up our child and I was out by my car, about to go to work. He literally leapt out of the car, rushed towards me and said "wow.. you're looking really good!". He then proceeded to scoop me up in a cuddle and say "Please don't hate me!".

This was over in a matter or seconds as I had to shoot off to work. Needless to say, Im really perplexed. I'd NEVER get back with him but my heart has always known that our marriage was not dead.

What is he playing at?

So many wise words of wisdom from all you poster! I would never get back with him!!! I think I was just taken aback when, after all these years of hurt, he for once seemed sorry. But then again, he SHOULD feel bloody sorry!
I do wake up each morning thanking God that our two grown up children are easy and heaps of fun. I then sip my coffee in bed whilst reading my book, totally undisrupted and chuckle about the thought of him having broken nights sleep aged 54 and never being able to leave the house without bags of nappies, baby wipes and endless rounds of "the wheels on the bus" !
I'm happy with my lot now and have never felt more confident, more attractive and more chilled. :)

Christ on a bike. Time to discover that there are other men in the world, I reckon, OP. Even just for a bit of fun. Hit the dating sites!

came out as a transvestite at the same time he left me (I had no idea for 23 years)

And this on top of being suckered by a visa hunter (or taking advantage of a desperate young woman from a shot poor country, if you prefer to look at it that way).

Fk he is one all round mess.

You are so lucky you're no longer involved with him, he unintentionally did you such a massive favour cheating & leaving.

*shit, obviously

I do wake up each morning thanking God that our two grown up children are easy and heaps of fun. I then sip my coffee in bed whilst reading my book, totally undisrupted and chuckle about the thought of him having broken nights sleep aged 54 and never being able to leave the house without bags of nappies, baby wipes and endless rounds of "the wheels on the bus" !

That made me laugh out loud!! 😂🤣🤣

Way to go, @bluetulipsandjam 🌹

Drat! Bold failure!!🌹

@bluetulipsandjam

I was laughing so much I choked on my cuppa !!

The thought of him cuddling you out of the blue !! I just know I'd have punched him in his smug bloody face !

You enjoying life with two grown DC, long lies in bed with a good book etc while he has to move back to 'GO', but do not collect £200 is just too good to not wallow in

I think I'd be filling my SM with lots of fantastic pics of me having fun ! (but then I really enjoy rubbing salt in the wound !)

The invading your personal space without permission either to show dominance over you or to attempt to force closeness through the touch (endorphins/psychology) is common from narcissistic assholes too.

I get what you are asking. Has this happened to any of us? Did it make you wonder, make your head spin? I think you are saying that it’s left you mind-muddled as to what that was all about??!!!

Many partners experience this sort of crazy event. We cannot be in the heads of the person to whom we were once married. After a shock break up, with the public rejection and outpouring of ‘secrets’, and perhaps a rewriting of the history we thought we had, having someone Hug Us and Appeal to us for forgiveness is such a shocker that we are destabilised for a while.

You have had to be stoic and strong through a shocking break up, that your children and onlookers have openly observed, and I am sure you know that now you can continue to be strong and careful. I am glad you feel quite content.

You won’t publicly waver, but inwardly this sort perplexing ‘hug’ and an emotional plea must be really curious to you!

Sadly, I agree that this is the behaviour of a master manipulator; someone very self centred, or a narcissist.

Personally, I always think, why make waves? We cannot change what has happened in the past. Moving forward there is nothing to be gained by being nasty. I think that in time somethjng will tell you what it was going on in your ex’s life that made that the moment he reached out to you.

Keep good boundaries. Consider that there is nothing much this ex of yours that can do now, that will affect your day to day life. He has made his bed and he can lie in it. You can get on with your own life.

Perhaps you can be open about your feelings and recovery with your young adult children. If they believe you are very stable and content with life as it is now, they might tell you more of the gossip of what’s happening in their dad and siblings lives. They must be horrified too about how things have panned out, and they must have a sense of fear for their little siblings.

This is all his circus and you don’t have to be a part of it. Hold your head up.

I think, in time, years down the line, you will be able to unravel these shocking years and get a better perspective. Oh, and by the way, that man should have had the snip and he probably has done that now!

If he tries to touch you again step back and say no thanks.

He sounds a right cunt.

@MarshmallowAra

but my heart has always known that our marriage was not dead.

Cheated, left, divorced, dealt with you through lawyers cause it suited him, married the ow, had second family, no contact for three years .....

Mate ..

This is a brilliant response.

Your marriage is fucking dead and buried. And I'd have punched him if he's tried to scoop me up in his arms for a cuddle.

Twat.

I’ve heard this a few times. He wanted his cake and eat it with OW but then he rushed into it and now it’s not as fantastic as he thought it would be. I hope you are looking good OP and just be happy about the fact that he probably does regret his decision very much.

I also suspect he assumes you’re lonely and desperate enough to take his sorry arse back. Not too many women willing to take on anyone with a backstory like his.... I mean, he must know he’s a complete and utter liability.

Bottle of Trussardi Delicate Rose EDP gone. It was.... nice. Didn’t adore it. Was a bit generic, light floral. A bit sweet for me.

Knee him in the groin if that should happen again

I am dating a chap and he knows about this via our kids, so I"m not lonely or desperate, that's for sure!

Golly he's a walking cliche isn't he?

His behaviour is fairly typical.

They cheat, rewrite history (about what a "shitty" marriage they were in) treat the Ex appallingly all to justify their behaviour.

Then down the line they realise their new relationship isn't any better/worse than the previous one.

It might have slightly different challenges (like it finally dawning that his new wife was more attracted to a U.K. visa than him) but fundamentally all he's really done is set his life back by 15 years in a relationship that's very similar (now the gloss has worn off) to the one they left, with added financial pressure and a strained relationship with his elder children.

Not surprising really. They forget that in any relationship they are the common denominator - so the pattern it will settle into will reflect that.

Is he regretting it? Probably.

But who gives a shiny shit?

You might have been heartbroken at the time but fuck me, you've dogged a bullet.

You've got a nice life without him and one don't need to fear him cheating again or have you to put a lock on your underwear draw. That's a big win.

What a daft sod he has been. His plan was a lovely young woman to skip around with. Instead he is in the midst of sleepless nights and pressure. Whilst you I'm sure look fantastic. Your children are older, you can be more carefree.

Ah well. He chose this. I wouldn't talk to him about anything other than your children

Call me prejudiced but my nether regions would've slammed shut like a bear trap when he came out as a tranny, aside from everything else.

I am dating a chap

Well if he doesn't dress up in (hyper sexualised) women's clothing and hasn't chested on you; he's already vastly superior; I'd concentrate on him rather than wondering about your train wreck of an ex.

Sorry - second post up there was for a different thread. I’m sure he knows about your new chap, but he’s obviously arrogant enough to assume that no one will ever live up to his standards. On paper however, he doesn’t look great.

He may well regret it.

Tough! He's made his bed.

I hope you move on.

Practice in the mirror, "put me don't now and never touch me again". With a fuck off face.