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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do you think he regrets what happened?

73 replies

bluetulipsandjam · 03/04/2021 20:01

A short version of a very shit divorce. Ex husband of 23 years left to be with much younger OW (literally overnight). This was a complete shock as I felt our marriage was ok and there was clearly still something between us!

OW got pregnant (her pill didn't work that day apparently !) within three months and basically ex husband was told by everyone he knew that he'd look a complete C**t if he left her with a new baby, just as he'd dumped his wife and two heart broken, teenage children.

To say that the divorce has been vile is an understatement (mainly because the ex refused to engage in any discussions and everything had to be done via lawyers) . He hid his marriage to the OW as well as the second baby from our kids as well as his family. Odd? Family say it was for visa reasons... but whatever...

Out of nowhere, ex started writing to me about a week ago (we've not spoken in three years) ago asking if we could be civil. I agreed, although hurtful truths were written between and he immediately blocked me again. This is his default as he always runs away from any confrontation. I just rolled my eyes and carried on with life.

A couple of days ago he came to pick up our child and I was out by my car, about to go to work. He literally leapt out of the car, rushed towards me and said "wow.. you're looking really good!". He then proceeded to scoop me up in a cuddle and say "Please don't hate me!".

This was over in a matter or seconds as I had to shoot off to work. Needless to say, Im really perplexed. I'd NEVER get back with him but my heart has always known that our marriage was not dead.

What is he playing at?

OP posts:

PenisBeakerIsMyFavouriteMuppet · 04/04/2021 00:03

my heart has always known that our marriage was not dead

You need to stop listing to your heart, that bitch knows nothing.

Seriously, have some respect for yourself and your children. This man has put you through hell and you think there’s still the bones of a marriage there, even though you’re divorced and he’s married to someone else?

Have some self-respect.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/04/2021 00:06

You need to stop listing to your heart, that bitch knows nothing.

Hell yes to this. Your heart is a liar.

Mermaidwaves · 04/04/2021 00:13

Yep agree with PP our hearts can be liars, don't trust it! I would have saved myself a lot of heartbreak if I hadn't listened to my bitch of a heart. I reckon it should be a new law!

NinthCircle · 04/04/2021 00:14

@MarshmallowAra

but my heart has always known that our marriage was not dead.

Cheated, left, divorced, dealt with you through lawyers cause it suited him, married the ow, had second family, no contact for three years .....

Mate ..

Yes, that is so dead and buried the location of the grave has been lost in the mists of time.

OP, you’re sounding awfully flattered by an incredibly presumptuous and over-familiar action. Look at the list of actions in @MarshmallowAra’s post and ask yourself whether this is someone you want a cuddle from, let alone a tragically deluded ‘Please don’t hate me!’?

Houseofvelour · 04/04/2021 00:48

It sounds like everything isn't all sunshine and rainbows with the ow and he's testing the waters with you.

I'd tell him that cuddling you and commenting on your looks is inappropriate and you'd appreciate all contact being about the children only.

Thewithesarehere · 04/04/2021 00:57

He cheated on you, now cheating on her. No way his current wife would see this as a him being chummy with you.

Justilou1 · 04/04/2021 01:09

You remember how stressful life with a little baby/toddler was.... They’re cute, but mostly, it’s bloody awful. He was pretty much entrapped by this OW. What a sappy cliche he is. He’s miserable and trapped. You’re moving on with your life and he probably had no real idea of what life is REALLY like for you - (nor should he, tbh) and he wants his cake and to eat it too. The idea that you could possibly move on and meet someone else is undoubtedly messing with his head too. (Good. Please do this whenever you’re ready and live happily ever after. I hope they are everything your ex was not.)

crimsonlake · 04/04/2021 01:19

I would not be wondering what is going on with him, i would have slapped him good around the jaws.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/04/2021 01:54

Oh dear, he's a total cliche. Next time he tries to cuddle you, swat him off with your handbag. And do not fall for any flattery he peddles. The only person he cares for is himself.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 04/04/2021 02:16

If he tries it on again give him a slap around the chops

But I do agree with a PP. You want it to mean that he still loves you, it was all a mistake with her and you are his true love.

Well he might think that and it's OK if that makes you feel a bit flattered just as long as you never let him back in your life because once a cheating cockwomble always a cheating cockwomble

Justilou1 · 04/04/2021 03:35

A withering look and a “What the actual fuck do you think you’re playing at?” Ought to do it...

Original poster

bluetulipsandjam · 04/04/2021 08:26

To answer some questions:

Yes, we are divorced

OW is from a very poor part of Asia and had a "dream" to live in the UK

He's in his mid 50's and after our two kids, he wouldn't let me have a third as he had had his fill of babies!

He's also has Aspergers and came out as a transvestite at the same time he left me (I had no idea for 23 years)

Maybe I should have put the last sentence in at the beginning of the thread ! LOL!!

OP posts:

roastednut · 04/04/2021 08:42

Wow! Honestly - you are well rid of him/her/them

harknesswitch · 04/04/2021 08:43

Next time he comes in for a cuddle, push him off and say 'fuck off you lecherous old perv!

'Yes I'm looking good thanks, too good for you, now fuck off!

I could go on all day

CrazyNeighbour · 04/04/2021 08:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justilou1 · 04/04/2021 08:58

OMFG! Where did he meet this poor woman??? He must have been trawling websites looking for “understanding” women. I bet she’s bloody miserable too!

minmooch · 04/04/2021 09:16

Sounds like he has many issues to face up to. Just remember that he must have lied to you for all of those 23 years. I'm sure his much younger ow wasn't expecting an older transvestite to be her dream ticket to the uk - seems like they hoodwinked each other. He chose his bed and now has to lie in it.

Be glad that you are no longer married to him. If you can co parent on a good friendly level then that's great for your kids. You don't need him as a friend, lover or partner.

OrchestraOfWankery · 04/04/2021 09:31

I'm sure his much younger ow wasn't expecting an older transvestite to be her dream ticket to the uk

Steptoeshorse1965 · 04/04/2021 09:38

His grass isn't greener he's found, and he's looking for an open door to get back through despite all the trouble caused. Make it clear what's done is done, but there is no future there in terms of the relationship. If you have any sense.

Colourmeclear · 04/04/2021 09:47

So he invades your personal space and then begs you not to hate him despite everything else he's done? Wow.

Those words actually make me so angry when I hear them. It's code for I've been a prick but don't want to feel bad about it so I can continue being a prick.

Sakurami · 04/04/2021 09:50

I'll tell you exactly what it is. He got attention from thsi other woman and then got her pregnant. Her attention is now taken by their young kids and just like he did when he was with you, he's looking for attention elsewhere. He sees the contrast of your chilled life now that your kids are older against the chaos of life with two little ones that he's going through in his 50s.

I know for sure that in my 50s I am enjoying having my kids older and getting my old life back. I don't have to book babysitters or pack the kids and all their things everytime I need to pop to the shops. I'll be happy to help of as a grandmother but full time? Nah.

He made a big mistake but that's on him. Do not get sucked back in.

Limalama · 04/04/2021 10:01

Oh my god, what a self obsessed egotistical idiot.

'Please don't hate me' translation 'please don't hold me accountable for my actions, it's so inconvenient for my ego'.

Totally agree with PPs, if your heart is telling you that it wasn't finished then you need slap that down and remind it of all the trauma and pain he put your children through. This isn't a romcom and it isn't just about the two of you, there are youngsters involved who had their lives blown apart because of him. 23 years means nothing, it didn't mean anything to him. Nothing.

Don't try to romanticise this, you will open old wounds and make yourself vulnerable again to narcissistic manipulation.

Roselilly36 · 04/04/2021 10:03

Make it quite clear there is no way back OP. Remember he left you completely unexpectedly, how could you ever forgive that?

Any man in his 50’s starting another family must be insane, he is realising now that it’s not all honey, and regrets his decision and wants to slip back into an easy life.

Don’t be drawn back in, tell him to go back to his new family, I don’t imagine it will be long before he leaves her & the baby for a new OW.

Enjoy your life OP, free of this cheater.

Limalama · 04/04/2021 10:04

I'm sure his much younger ow wasn't expecting an older transvestite to be her dream ticket to the uk

DropDTuning · 04/04/2021 10:05

Jesus. It sounds like his entire life is deeply regrettable.

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