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Original poster

To text or not to text

76 replies

countbackfromten · 03/04/2021 13:25

I feel pathetic asking this but genuinely need some honest advice. I have been single for many years, some short term things and some dates but haven’t met anyone in a long time that I have clicked with. A month ago I started chatting to a guy on a dating app. Swapped numbers and the conversation via text and then phone call was lovely. I was working a terrible rota pattern at work and we couldn’t meet for a couple of weeks due to that.

The day we were due to meet I had to cancel as an event locally left me feeling very upset - he was very sweet about it and understood. We sorted out a second date that worked for us both and continued talking.

He weirdly went quiet over a couple of days before the date. I was busy with work so didn’t think anything of it. He did get in touch telling me about something in his life that that happened which meant he couldn’t go on a date at the moment and reassuring me it wasn’t anything to do with me. I believe him from our conversations and said I hoped he was ok, I understood and that if he wanted to get in contact again when things were better I would be happy to hear from him.

He has read the message but hasn’t replied, to be honest the way I worded it meant I was expecting one.

Usually I would just forget about him and not bother but he came across as being very lovely and also what was going on with him sounded really tough. I have thought about sending him a message to just say that I hope he is ok - it has been over a week since we spoke last and genuinely do wonder how he is.

Am I being totally pathetic? I’m very cynical after so many years of dating but there is something in this situation which has made me less so about him.

OP posts:
Original poster
countbackfromten · 03/04/2021 13:28

I wasn’t expecting a reply from my text. Damn typing too quickly for my brain to not realise my mistake!

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SionnachGlic · 03/04/2021 13:32

No harm in just a brief follow up text like 'you just crossed my mind & I hope things are improving' or whatever is appropriate but not with expectation or sounding in any way needy. So it counters any impression you may have given (if you feel you did) that you don't invite more contact. Of course, you may not hear back but you are no worse off than now & at least you'll know the lie of the land & not feel it was a misunderstanding.

category12 · 03/04/2021 13:34

I believe him from our conversations and said I hoped he was ok, I understood and that if he wanted to get in contact again when things were better I would be happy to hear from him.

Well, if that was your message, I would have read it as for me to only get back in touch when I was feeling better/ready to go on a date, so not sure why you're expecting contact?

Original poster
countbackfromten · 03/04/2021 13:35

@SionnachGlic thank you, that is exactly what I was thinking of doing in a couple of days time.

Think it will make me feel better about it too as having been through a similarly tricky time I would have appreciated the thought if someone has done the same to me.

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Original poster
countbackfromten · 03/04/2021 13:38

@category12 I am thinking I probably worded it slightly badly as replied post a manic shift without really thinking. I don’t think it was dismissive but I can see how it could come across that way. Wondered if just sending another message in a few days would show I actually did care about what was going on in case it did sound like I didn’t.

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MumofPsuedoAdult · 03/04/2021 13:38

I think it would be fine to drop him another text. What's the worst that can happen?

category12 · 03/04/2021 13:41

It just sounds like you ended things to me.

Original poster
countbackfromten · 03/04/2021 13:41

This is an unusual situation for me as normally I wouldn’t mind if a similar situation happened or someone didn’t reply or even ghosted me as has happened in the past. I am the first one for just deleting someone’s number and messages - putting it to the back of my mind and moving on.

There is something about him that means I have thought of him since we last had contact. I’m just so jaded by dating that I don’t know whether to trust my instinct or not

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Original poster
countbackfromten · 03/04/2021 13:42

@MumofPsuedoAdult very true! I am definitely overthinking this which isn’t me!

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Original poster
countbackfromten · 03/04/2021 13:44

@category12 possibly, I was trying to be kind and say that I understood how hard things were for him and take away the pressure but that if he wanted to get in touch again I would be really happy to hear from him.

Now reading it back I don’t know if it came across badly and it has weirdly stuck in my mind.

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BigPaperBag · 03/04/2021 15:26

I’d just say something like ‘hey, how are you? Would be great to catch up’

Original poster
countbackfromten · 03/04/2021 15:38

Thanks @BigPaperBag, need to stop overthinking and just send something.

Urgh, why am I being so ridiculous?!!

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ILoveRossGeller · 03/04/2021 16:23

Absolutely not. If he wants you in his life, he'll put you there. No exception.

catmumandhumanmum · 03/04/2021 16:23

I would leave it a couple of weeks, give him chance to get back to you if not then no harm in asking how he is but it might be a soon now.

gannett · 03/04/2021 16:29

I was trying to be kind and say that I understood how hard things were for him and take away the pressure but that if he wanted to get in touch again I would be really happy to hear from him.

I think this was the perfect tone to someone who's going through a sudden hard time, don't overthink it!

A quick "thinking of you, hope you're doing OK" message would also be fine, if you want to send it. I don't think it comes across as over-keen, it's just kind and thoughtful.

WatieKatie · 03/04/2021 16:46

In my experience if men want to get in touch they do.

Original poster
countbackfromten · 03/04/2021 16:51

Thanks all.

Usually I would just be able to forget about it and if he contacts me that is great but I think I have worried that my last message was a bit dismissive and also that he is having a terrible time and I do hope he is ok.

I am definitely overthinking it. It has been a long time since I chatted with someone nice and was excited for our date. I even bought a new top for it, nothing fancy as it was a walk (thanks Covid!) but a long time since I have looked forward to a date as much.

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Original poster
countbackfromten · 03/04/2021 16:54

@ILoveRossGeller I would usually go for the absolutely not position. In fact I would normally delete someone’s messages and number from my phone and forget about them entirely unless they messaged if I thought it was pointless.

Don’t know why I can’t do that now 🤦🏼‍♀️

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Bettina500 · 03/04/2021 16:56

It sounds like you put the ball in his court, and left it open for him to get in touch if he wanted to.
I guess it's possible he thought you were a bit flaky on meeting up. A quick 'thinking of you, hope you're ok,' message wouldn't hurt, but I wouldn't chase any further.

MrsMaizel · 03/04/2021 17:09

It's a short period of time so unless you let him know you are keen he will look elsewhere . I was due to meet a guy and got a bad cold and cancelled with good time . The next time i messaged him he said "who is this ?" 😂 . I had cancelled so that was me deleted. There's plenty more fish indeed 😂😂😂

SpringlikeBunk · 03/04/2021 17:10

I’d probably go for a combination of advice here - message directly to say “hi hows it going - give me a shout would be good to catch up?” .

The trouble with “thinking of you” messages is you’re not really inviting a response so you don’t know if he’s gone off you or if he just doesn’t think they need a reply. So you’re no better information wise.

But leave it a couple of weeks - if there’s been genuine problems I don’t think a week is enough for them to have settled down?

I’d also not have any expectations- he might have met someone else and just be trying to be gentle? But definitely worth a go.

Steptoeshorse1965 · 03/04/2021 17:12

Why not just bite the bullet and ring?? Ask how things are, see how the land lies about doing something now the lockdown is all but over and set some loose plans?? No time like the present if you want things to go anywhere.

Original poster
countbackfromten · 03/04/2021 17:19

@SpringlikeBunk I’m not planning to message for a while longer, I know he was due to see his family this weekend and not going to interrupt.

There are no expectations, my dating ones are exceptionally low anyway tbh, and what he said to me when he cancelled fitted with what we had been discussing before.

Will wait a while and send it and see what happens. Worst comes to worst I delete the conversation and forget it ever happened!

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Original poster
countbackfromten · 03/04/2021 17:22

@Bettina500 I did leave the ball in his court but in a way that I think came across as a bit dismissive. Which wasn’t my intention, I should never reply to anything whilst on my way home from a 13 hour shift!!

It will be a single message if I do decide to send one and no chasing. After many years of dating I have realised my worth and not going to be treated as I have been before.

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Original poster
countbackfromten · 03/04/2021 17:23

@Steptoeshorse1965 I don’t want him to feel forced into answering and with things as hard as they are for him I think it wouldn’t be fair to do that.

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