To text or not to text

[countbackfromten]

I feel pathetic asking this but genuinely need some honest advice. I have been single for many years, some short term things and some dates but haven’t met anyone in a long time that I have clicked with. A month ago I started chatting to a guy on a dating app. Swapped numbers and the conversation via text and then phone call was lovely. I was working a terrible rota pattern at work and we couldn’t meet for a couple of weeks due to that.

The day we were due to meet I had to cancel as an event locally left me feeling very upset - he was very sweet about it and understood. We sorted out a second date that worked for us both and continued talking.

He weirdly went quiet over a couple of days before the date. I was busy with work so didn’t think anything of it. He did get in touch telling me about something in his life that that happened which meant he couldn’t go on a date at the moment and reassuring me it wasn’t anything to do with me. I believe him from our conversations and said I hoped he was ok, I understood and that if he wanted to get in contact again when things were better I would be happy to hear from him.

He has read the message but hasn’t replied, to be honest the way I worded it meant I was expecting one.

Usually I would just forget about him and not bother but he came across as being very lovely and also what was going on with him sounded really tough. I have thought about sending him a message to just say that I hope he is ok - it has been over a week since we spoke last and genuinely do wonder how he is.

Am I being totally pathetic? I’m very cynical after so many years of dating but there is something in this situation which has made me less so about him.

I’m mid 30s, have a great job, brilliant friends and if you met me in real life you wouldn’t believe I’m stressing about sending a message to a man. Last week I managed a situation with several critically ill patients simultaneously without breaking a sweat and yet this is making my brain spin.

I hate dating.

'I don’t want him to feel forced into answering and with things as hard as they are for him I think it wouldn’t be fair to do that.'

OP,
You are now way overthinking things. You can't force him to do anything by sending one little text . If you don't text, you are no worse off than now...if you do, it is just reaching out, a little encouragement to get in touch. Don't leave it too long though, might seem odd if it just lands out of the blue after weeks/months of nothing!

He did get in touch telling me about something in his life that that happened which meant he couldn’t go on a date at the moment and reassuring me it wasn’t anything to do with me.

Did he explain what it was or was it just a vague sort of "going through a difficult time at the moment so won't be able to go on date" without further explanation.

To be honest, I'm much less trusting than you, and unless he'd given a few details I would have just assumed he was backing out of the date because he'd been chatting to someone else on the app and thought he'd get a shag from her faster But I'm 44, more cynical and thoroughly sick of men at the moment!
I'd probably have sent a similar message to you but then I wouldn't have followed it up. If he was genuinely interested and genuinely going through a hard time then he would contact me again... that would be my thinking anyway.

If you want, you could send a message next week but if he doesn't reply to that within a day or so block and move on.
There are a hell of a lot of timewasters on dating apps.

comebackfromten.

It's just a phonecall, and you might just know where you stand. You count too.

@SionnachGlic you are absolutely right! Thank you

@icdtap he explained exactly what was going on, it related to some conversations we had previously so I would be really shocked if it wasn’t true. I even discussed it with my friend who is about as cynical as it gets (in a wonderful protective way) and she said she felt sad for him based on what he said.

You are completely right about the time wasters. It is maddening!!

@Steptoeshorse1965 thank you. I always try and put everyone else first, often to my own detriment and I should tackle that.

I think you are overinvested given that you have never met and only started chatting online a month ago.

One of my biggest issues is that I have a terrible dating history with my last relationship being with someone extremely manipulative and despite working on my esteem a lot, I still question myself to a ridiculous degree when it comes to dating and doubt what I’m doing.

@DropDTuning probably. Which is unlike me when it comes to dating recently. I know it comes across as a bit pathetic and I don’t like it!

Totally overinvested.

When some bloke you don't know find loads of 'difficulties' in relating, then bail

At this point, he needs to mean nothing. Unless you want to date a flake.

When a men likes you, they are not backwards in coming forwards. But while they are waiting for 'the one', they will waste your time in 'responding' relationships. They do none of the chasing, it's all you.

This is where you are, I think. Stay silent. Let it die. Or maybe he will step up.

If he does, he has some making up to do - I wouldn't be arsed. There's men who will chase out there.

Thanks @ChristmasFluff. I am feeling a bit ridiculous. Was nice to chat with someone who seemed so lovely after so many bad experiences and Covid has been a bit lonely between awfulness at work (I’m a doctor) and living alone. I think I just got a bit soppy and need to woman up.

Don’t cut your nose off to spite your face, if you like this person drop him a bright and breezy “Hi how you doing, hope everything’s okay “ kinda message and just leave it at that, it won’t do any harm, and you’ll know one way or the other

@JustAnotherOldMan I do like him. That is a rarity for me!

I am very cynical when it comes to online dating so may be biased but I've had lots of men cancel dates last minute due to 'personal difficulties'. It doesn't stop them still being active on POF though. I would say if a man really likes you he will keep in contact, even if it's the briefest of hellos. I think he's trying to give you a gentle brush off here, but this is based on my horrible dating experiences so wish you better luck OP.

I think him telling you that something was going on in his life and he didn’t have capacity for dates was him trying to put an end to things. I think your response made it clear that you hoped he would get in touch sometime and out the ball firmly in his court. I would be a little hesitant to get in touch after the last exchange, but it would be purely pride stopping me.

I would leave it a couple of weeks and then send a text that invites an answer then if you don't hear anything you'll know to move on. You sound like someone who needs to know for definite either way - good luck.

@Mermaidwaves dating is the worst!! I keep stopping and then thinking it might be better and the realise that it isn’t!

@Billandben444 you are definitely right that I am the sort of person who needs to know for sure either way. I don’t understand why people can’t just be honest like that. Drives me bonkers.

@countbackfromten
Dating is the pits! I've decided to take at least this year off from it as it's taken my self esteem to the floor, sometimes I get tempted to go back on the apps but then I remember the truly awful men on there

OP, I just want to add that I'm dead impressed that you've taken the time to respond to each of us who've offered advice. It's a refreshing change from a lot of threads where many well-intentioned posts are routinely ignored. You deserve better than this bloke 💐

@Mermaidwaves taking time off is never a bad thing. We just have to remember our worth in this and that it isn’t governed by the way some men decide to behave!

Thank you @Billandben444. Honestly have really appreciated all the comments and food for thought. Means a lot that you have all taken the time to comment, even on such a minor thing

@Aprilx you may well be right!!

You sound lovely op. If it's going round and round your head, and a sshortmessage, along the lines people have suggested, means you stop wondering, I'd just do it. And if you dont hear back, you've your answer, with pride intact andno more 'what ifs'.