Feeling hopeless and wife has just left me to it

[UnitThree]

I've been ill with Covid for weeks and haven't been able to get out of the house. Struggling with energy and needing to sleep a lot.

Honestly, I was feeling overwhelmed with work and just life before I got physically ill and haven't been much fun to be around.

Lots of things are getting to me, but I keep being told by my wife it's just because I don't feel well. Things around the house that need fixing and keeping on top of, apparently I'm just moaning. Neighbours constantly disturbing me all day long is just me whinging. I'm dull and unpleasant and just have a problem with everything. I'm being dramatic to say I feel hopeless and like I have nothing to look forward to. I just shouldn't say it. It's abusive of me to say I see no way out, because I only want her to agree with me and she doesn't, and doesn't want to hear it.

My wife hasn't spoken to me since she said these things and has gone out. I didn't think I could feel worse but I don't know what to do.

I’m married to someone like you. I’m really genuinely sorry you have been unwell with covid, but I do wonder if you are always a bit like this because it’s bloody wearing and depressing to be honest.

Sorry you're not feeling well. Unless there's more to this, maybe your wife has run out of patience and is finding all the doom and gloom depressing. She's obviously had to carry on as normal and pick up any slack. Try being a bit more optimistic- you won't be ill forever.
Is there a back story?

I'm sorry you are feeling as you do but don't blame your wife for being fed up, especially if you moan. Don't moan, it doesn't help.

This will pass.

Talk to your GP. Some of how you are feeling may be due to the effects of the virus but it may be overlaid with depression or some other reason for feeling so hopeless. Fixing one may help the other.

All relationships are going to be put under strain in a lockdown vacuum, and if all you have said has been negative for the last few weeks it will be a) a self fulfilling cycle for you and b) exhausting for your wife.

I sympathise with you both.
If you have a self-referral cbt course in your area try that. Work towards a positive conversation every day until it feels less forced and you have more to chat about than negativity.

I don't blame her for feeling fed up, it's a strange time. I dont see her having to pick up any slack though, as the things I can't do just haven't been done.

She was fairly negative too about having to self isolate (because of me) , but since her isolation is up and I've still got symptoms, she just comes and goes, while I stay here.

I can't imagine treating anyone like a nuisance and telling them to snap out of it for feeling so low. In fact she felt like this herself a couple of years ago and I was frightened for her and tried to help. She just doesn't seem bothered or take what I'm saying seriously.

She sounds nasty.

You sound depressed. Are you seeking help ? I would have a lot more tolerance for your constant negativity if you were.

I think you sound depressed, you should speak to your GP about how you feel / feeling low etc

Typical fucking man-hating posts from the majority of the posters yet-a-fucking-gain.

Would we tell a woman who's clearly struggling with mental health, albeit hopefully temporarily "try feeling a bit more optimistic" or "don't moan, it doesn't help"

Absolutely disgracefulnd it's no bloody wonder male suicide rates are substantially higher than females.

OP I'm sorry your struggling, and I do think first point of call should be the GP. If you want more constructive advice, perhaps post again in a day or so as a female Co playing about their husband. You'll be amazed at the difference in responses unfortunately.

Wishing you much happiness for the future

Things around the house that need fixing and keeping on top of, apparently I'm just moaning

I dont see her having to pick up any slack though, as the things I can't do just haven't been done

Sorry you're feeling ill and down, OP, but from the above, It does sound like you're complaining that she's not doing enough.

Being isolated and feeling sick and depressed is really crap. But your wife can’t actually fix any of it for you. That doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be sympathetic and supportive of you but people have limits to how long they are able to do this for. Compassion fatigue I think it’s called. Can you call a friend or family member and have a whinge to them instead? Then have a conversation about something different and positive with your wife when she’s back. Or just watch a film together or anything that both of you will enjoy even a little bit. Feeling depressed (whether it’s a temporary circumstance thing or a chronic MH issue) is really hard but you can’t dump all those feelings on to one person, you’ll just overwhelm them. You have to spread your need for support over several people and accept that you are the one in charge of your own mental health and you are the only one with any power to alter your thought processes or ask for and consent to medical help.

Sorry to hear you are feeling unwell. I second going to see your GP and hopefully they can refer you to some form of therapy.

Has your relationship always been this strained or was this prompted by your current episode of ill-health?

It sounds like you are depressed, as well as having Covid symptoms.

How long has this depression been going on, and have you spoken to your GP about it? If not you need to do that to arrange medication if necessary and counselling - if y
you can afford to pay for the latter privately do - it will speed it up.

Your wife doesn’t sound very sympathetic, and I’m sorry about that, but it’s hard to know if she is being unreasonable depending on whether you have sought help.

Get some help for the depression - and then you will be able to figure out how real your marriage issues are. The covid will pass.

OP it sounds like you resent your wife for being able to come and go. What would you prefer her to do?

Also in your OP you said your wife was cross with you saying there’s no way out. Is this something you say often? Have you threatened to take your own life or hurt yourself?

What help have you sought for your low mood?

And yes, telling you to ´snap out of it’ is totally unhelpful but she may think there is nothing more she could do or say that will be helpful so she’s just frustrated and lashing out. Just ignore it. Call a friend with a fresh set of sympathetic ears.

@baileys6904
Typical fucking man-hating posts from the majority of the posters yet-a-fucking-gain.

What makes you think OP is a man?

OP, what are the "things" piling up that you can't do? Are they essential things, like you normally do all the laundry and now the kids are going without clean school uniforms, for example? Or are they things which can wait a while, like putting together flat pack furniture or mowing the lawn?

It does sound like you are complaining very frequently about things completely out of your wife's control, like your illness, and the neighbours making noise. There is a limit to how long someone can listen to the same old moans and groans without losing patience.

@baileys6904

Typical fucking man-hating posts from the majority of the posters yet-a-fucking-gain.

Would we tell a woman who's clearly struggling with mental health, albeit hopefully temporarily "try feeling a bit more optimistic" or "don't moan, it doesn't help"

Absolutely disgracefulnd it's no bloody wonder male suicide rates are substantially higher than females.

OP I'm sorry your struggling, and I do think first point of call should be the GP. If you want more constructive advice, perhaps post again in a day or so as a female Co playing about their husband. You'll be amazed at the difference in responses unfortunately.

Wishing you much happiness for the future

This is such bullshit - the majority of posters are telling the OP to seek help for what appears to be depression.

Some people are saying his wife appears unsympathetic, others that she might have compassion fatigue - but all noting that depression needs help

It’s all the same stuff that would be said to a female poster just with a bit less ‘oh my DP is like that’ as you would expect.

But what do you expect her to do? What do you want her to do? What isn’t she doing?

All you’ve really said so far is that she’s sick of you moaning.

I wasn’t aware of the OP saying they’re male. I have no idea the sex of the OP and I would have said the same things regardless.

Sometimes people just want someone to hear them not try and fix them.

Op, many of us hear you. I't can't be much fun for any of you and feeling hopeless is a really hard place to be. Call your GP and ask for help, nothing stays the same forever things will get better for you.

I had covid and just had to get on with it, I live alone and if I can't cope the mortgage doesn't get paid and the house turns into a slum.
I'd love to have the luxury of lying about moaning.
I've had to go back to work way before I'm well and the house has been a right old mess because I'm not well enough to have it up to my usual standards.
There isn't anything that cannot wait unless it's rainwater coming through the roof, it doesn't need to be done now.
Random stuff round the house, just learn to ignore it. I hate mess but right now I don't have the energy to deal with it. I just go to work then go back home to bed.

In fact if you want to play at taking offence for the sake of it, I find the assumption that the OP is male to be rather homophobic. Lesbians do exist you know.

@LonginesPrime

Things around the house that need fixing and keeping on top of, apparently I'm just moaning

I dont see her having to pick up any slack though, as the things I can't do just haven't been done

Sorry you're feeling ill and down, OP, but from the above, It does sound like you're complaining that she's not doing enough.

Not at all. The reference to things that need doing is in relation to how little I feel I have achieved and the difficulty I'm having in managing everyday tasks. This is an example of something she thinks shouldn't matter to me and don't need mentioning. And it really isn't as if this was something that we discussed at length l, but a comment she threw back at me as evidence of how annoying I am.

And the comment about picking up the slack wasnt linked to the previous statement, but a reply to someone saying it must be tough for her to do more, because I genuinely dont think I've created any work for her in that sense.

You sound depressed;you need a GP appointment,a course of anti depressants and possibly a referral to a counsellor.

Being depressed is nothing to be ashamed of but as the partner of someone who's suffered from depression for years it is very hard when you live with someone who complains constantly and is always physically ill;migraines,stomach aches,fatigue which tbh are more associated with the depression rather than illness is it exhausting.

I've suffered from depression myself and I know I wouldn't a joy to live with so I can see both side of the coin here.

The step step you can take to helping both of you is to pick that phone up on Tuesday morning and calling your GP surgery

...since her isolation is up and I've still got symptoms, she just comes and goes, while I stay here.

Presumably there are things she needs to do that necessitate her going out...I assume that she's not out on the jollies in the current circumstances, so you can't really blame her for not being at home with you 24/7.

That said it does sound as though she could be more supportive and sympathetic.

Have you been in touch with anyone about your issues as it does sound like there was underlying depression prior to Covid and the physical illness has made it worse.

It's much easier to support and sympathise with someone who is trying to help themselves. If your wife won't get on board in those circumstances it does sound like you have deeper problems in your marriage.