Page 2 | Feeling hopeless and wife has just left me to it

Spandang · 03/04/2021 11:56

OP I do think you should see a GP.

But I think you also need to reframe some things:

what in the house is a priority?

Some days it is just...enough to be safe, fed and clean. Some days as long as our kids have clean pants and a hot meal I don’t care if I haven’t ironed their clothes. Accept that right now, that’s okay.

your noisy neighbour

My neighbour recently complained we were noisy and sent a passive aggressive note. Transpired he was ill, had had complex major surgery and was really pissed off at the world. I chose to be kind, instead of pissy back, which got him to be kind back.

So I ask you, have your neighbours always been noisy, and you’re feeling it more because you’re ill, at home more, and a bit pissed off at the world?

are you taking some responsibility for the things you’re upset about?

Having nothing to look forward to has affected us all, but it’s also made some of us more grateful for small things. I went for a walk in a different place with five friends the other day, I honestly felt like I’d been let out to a spa. I was so excited.

There are things you can do at home to look forward to; The Sofa Singers, online theatre, airBnB experiences where you can learn to cook with a Mexican or do visualisation with an Olympic athlete.

You could do gratitude meditation for fifteen minutes every day, remind yourself what you’re lucky to have - you can’t feel angry and grateful at the same time.

You could take classes, you could learn to paint, you could just do something that makes you feel a little bit better every day.

You could do all of these things. But if you’re sitting at home being frustrated by what you can’t do, while doing nothing, it is going to wear thin after a while. My other half is like this and I do eventually put on my northern accent and tell him to shit or get off the pot.

I appreciate you have long covid. I don’t dispute at all the effect that has. But mentally, would you feel better doing tiny little things every day to rebuild - 15 minutes of yoga or meditation, reading, learning, whatever it is. Just to feel something other than despair.

Wanderlusto · 03/04/2021 11:59

As prior posters have said, it is time you speak to someone professional about depression. It is not your wifes job to absorb it for you and right now she probably feels like that is what you expect. Her reaction is her protecting herself from your negative energy.

Some people have a habbit of (unconciously) unburdening their griefs/dissapointments/bad moods onto others, leaving themselves feeling better but the other person with their stress.

If she has never been a very warm or supportive person to you then maybe there is a wider problem. But if this behaviour is new from her then it is likely that she is sick of you draining her.

Start being proactive. Once your covid has cleared up, go to your gp about depression.

WallaceinAnderland · 03/04/2021 12:02

@UnitThree has your wife suggested you seek medical help?

AliasGrape · 03/04/2021 12:04

You sound very low and I'm sorry you're struggling. This has been a really tough year and being ill on top must be extra difficult.

My husband tends to the negative. I joke sometimes its like living with eeyore - he is able to laugh at himself and agree and usually snaps him out of it. Work has been incredibly difficult and stressful for him since lockdown started and he really struggles wfh, it has been very tough at times and I have tried to be patient and sympathetic. I don't always manage it. I also had a new baby in this time and got diagnosed with pnd so my reserves of sympathy and patience can run low at times. I made a GP appointment for my husband and I really was quite insistent that he do something to help/ change the situation - whether it was taking meds or getting counselling or speaking to his manager or getting signed off with stress or quitting his job altogether or some combination of the above but that I simply couldn't stick around if he was just going to keep constantly ranting, moaning and getting angry/frustrated but doing absolutely nothing about it. He has taken some steps and things are improving.

We've had to really remember that we're on the same team and we have to work hard to let go of resentments, competitive tiredness and 'who has it harder' battles. Could something similar be happening with your wife? You've got on opposite sides somehow and need a good talk about how to pull back together? Has she got something going on for her/ in her life that she's struggling with and its making her feel resentful of you needing her on top of everything else?

Maybe it's a misguided attempt to jolly you out of it?

Or is she someone who needs to be the one who has it hardest and needs the support? I know I can be guilty of wanting my partner to be the one who 'rescues' me and can feel a bit unsettled when it needs to be the other way around

Whatisthisfuckery · 03/04/2021 12:12

OP, have you asked your GP for a blood test, to check you aren’t deficient in any vitamins or nutrients? I was very depressed at the end of last year and as part of my attempts to sort myself out asked for some bloods to be done. I was anaemic, which wile it wasn’t causing the low mood it was certainly contributing to.

You should also have a local IAPT service which you can self refer to. They will offer CBT or counselling for free. I also did this and have had 20 weeks of therapy, well 15 so far but I will have 20. I’m not saying it has solved all my problems but it has certainly helped, and sorting out my iron levels has also helped me feel less tired and washed out.

There are various things you can try but it takes effort. It’s true that MH services are pretty shitty but if you cast your net about there are various things you will be able to access, and trying something is better than trying nothing, and someting just might help. I have suffered a lot of depression, I have bipolar II, a main feature of which is horrible depression, so I have had to learn ways of dealing with it. You can’t make it go away, but I find that just the act of trying to be positive and try different things helps.

Joeblack066 · 03/04/2021 12:20

Sorry OP but maybe she’s just worn out too? It’s exhausting living with someone who is constantly negative about everything. So to me there’s fault on both sides.
Try showing some positivity- you may be amazed at the results!

Nothingyet · 03/04/2021 12:40

@UnitThree

I've been ill with Covid for weeks and haven't been able to get out of the house. Struggling with energy and needing to sleep a lot.

Honestly, I was feeling overwhelmed with work and just life before I got physically ill and haven't been much fun to be around.

Lots of things are getting to me, but I keep being told by my wife it's just because I don't feel well. Things around the house that need fixing and keeping on top of, apparently I'm just moaning. Neighbours constantly disturbing me all day long is just me whinging. I'm dull and unpleasant and just have a problem with everything. I'm being dramatic to say I feel hopeless and like I have nothing to look forward to. I just shouldn't say it. It's abusive of me to say I see no way out, because I only want her to agree with me and she doesn't, and doesn't want to hear it.

My wife hasn't spoken to me since she said these things and has gone out. I didn't think I could feel worse but I don't know what to do.

Have you really tried to just get on with things?

Hoppinggreen · 03/04/2021 12:41

You do sound pretty draining OP
Maybe you need some professional help

Unanananana · 03/04/2021 12:46

Have you spoken to your GP as you do sound depressed? Being ill with Covid must have been awful.

IF you have been moaning and moping around with no intention of helping yourself, then no wonder your wife has left you too it. Are you expecting her to stay in the house because you don't go out? Doesn't she have to work/shop etc?

TaraR2020 · 03/04/2021 13:14

Rather disappointed in some of the replies you're receiving, op, I have to say. Empathy seems to be in short supply atm...

Like others, I agree that having a chat with your gp is best right now. There's no shame in struggling or in having depression so, in spite of your DWs comments I hope that you will seek support from your gp as it does make a difference.

Long term ill health does take a heavy toll on mental health and when the body is letting you down it's so much harder to lift your mood. It's easy for a vicious cycle to start.

You need a two-pronged approach to regaining your health, both with gp support:
You need to support and treat both body and mind.

If you're not already, make sure you're taking supplements and getting a little exercise and fresh air each day. Its not trite - these things do make a difference. They also provide a good foundation for tracking improvements and noticing limits.

Don't feel you need to be accomplishing everything right now, you're unwell so need to adjust your expectations. Prioritise and if its not essential, take it off the list.

Your frame of mind is clearly a negative one at the moment and its easy to moan - or to be perceived as moaning - when you're like this. So perhaps she has a point, however I'd suggest you may be suffering from burn out in which case the negativity is symptomatic. Likewise with depression.

I know that when I've been ill with the same I haven't been much fun to be around and do come with negative things I'd never dream of saying when I'm healthy. Tis the way...

Look at some cbt/counselling to support you during this time, many local areas in the UK allow you to self refer.

Hopefully between this and a chat with your wife about her being more supportive, things will turn around for you

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 03/04/2021 13:17

DP is similar at times.

I stopped encouraging him to stay in bed, to identify as somebody who is ill, to try just a little bit of food, to close the curtains and live in stygian darkness flat on his back listening to podcasts all day, to avoid doing everything. Because it didn't help him one bit and made my life pretty shit - and there was no way on earth I was going to put up with 2 hour long episodes of Oh My Life Is Awful I Feel So Ill The Kitchen Is So Messy And The Cats Were Hungry Annoying Me And The Neighbours Were Noisy So I Only Got 22 Hours In Bed Whilst You Got Up Before 5am To Go To Work As Usual in the evenings when I couldn't even set foot in the kitchen to feed myself for the mess. And start snapping at me or the Cat? Fuck right off.

He did nothing, ate just pure crap, avoided anything that could possibly help him and naturally, he felt even more rubbish as a result. Of course his back hurt, he barely used his stomach muscles. Of course his legs ached, the furthest he walked was from the bed to the toilet and back. Of course he felt a bit dizzy and his tummy hurt, he'd eaten nothing but Pringles, Haribo and strawberry milkshakes for weeks. The bathroom would be cleaner if you cleaned it whilst I was at work. I'm not going to go up there and clean it for you because you're moaning about it when it's your contact lens packets and old contacts strewn across the sink. And I'm a bit busy working; if you don't like the cobwebs in the corners when you see them, pick up the duster and get rid of them, don't tell me about the things.

You feel crappy, OP. I agree, that's not a nice way to feel. However, it's your job to pick up the phone and make an appointment with the GP. It's your responsibility to do things that are good for everybody's mental wellbeing - daylight, showers, a little walking or stretching, fresh air (including opening a window), thinking about good nutrition, not offloading all the gripes of the day on somebody who is quite busy holding everything else together - and possibly wondering if this is going to be her life for good if you get too used to being at home.

I've been disabled for a long time due to autoimmune disease (which affects mind and body). It's fucking shit. But doing things that are actually good for you and looking for good things or ways out of shit stuff help. Because you aren't being passive. Even if they don't work, it's a good feeling knowing that you've tried something else and now you know that doesn't work, so you're closer to finding the combination of things that do.

You keep on battering on. You modify things, you adapt, you change, but you keep on looking ahead. Because to give up is worse and to drag somebody else down in the process or force them to do everything for you is unfair.

BronwenFrideswide · 03/04/2021 13:22

Breaking down your opening post, OP:

I've been ill with Covid for weeks and haven't been able to get out of the house. Struggling with energy and needing to sleep a lot.

That's very hard for you but it will also have an effect on your wife.

Honestly, I was feeling overwhelmed with work and just life before I got physically ill and haven't been much fun to be around.

Did you do anything to address this prior to catching Covid? Being ill with Covid has exacerbated what seems to have been an already difficult time for your wife.

Lots of things are getting to me, but I keep being told by my wife it's just because I don't feel well. Things around the house that need fixing and keeping on top of, apparently I'm just moaning

Be honest, are you just moaning? What do you expect your wife to do and/or say about things around the house that need fixing or keeping on top of? Do you want her to do them?

Neighbours constantly disturbing me all day long is just me whinging.

Again, what do you want or expect your wife to do about this? Maybe she is just fed up with you constantly going on about it.

I'm dull and unpleasant and just have a problem with everything.

Are you and do you? It sounds as if you were struggling before Covid and are getting worse, what have you done to address this, what are you going to do to address this?

I'm being dramatic to say I feel hopeless and like I have nothing to look forward to. I just shouldn't say it. It's abusive of me to say I see no way out, because I only want her to agree with me and she doesn't, and doesn't want to hear it.

Again, what are you going to do about the way you feel? Your wife cannot fix you. It must be very upsetting and disheartening for her to hear that you have nothing to look forward to, can you not see how saying that would make her think you don't value her or your future with her?

My wife hasn't spoken to me since she said these things and has gone out. I didn't think I could feel worse but I don't know what to do.

You do sound unrelentingly negative and that is very draining on a spouse. You need to become proactive in managing your mental health, to start with contact your GP and explain how you are feeling and that you felt like this prior to catching Covid. You wife cannot cure you or fix you, only you can do that.

Phoenix121 · 03/04/2021 13:28

Your wife doesn't sound very supportive. But what's more important than that is for you to realise that there is always something to look forward to! Joy can making a surprising appearance when you are least expecting it. In the meantime, if you feel well enough, try to spend some time out and about in nature, even if that's just getting on a bus and looking out for trees, birds etc. Sounds silly but it does lift your spirits.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/04/2021 13:38

I do think op if you'd come on identifying yourself as a woman with an unsupportive husband rather than a general assumption you're a man with an unsupportive wife you'd have got some different answers.

Yes there is a degree of having to get up, have a wash, make yourself eat, make yourself function with depression. But you also, as pp have said, need to speak to the GP as it might be that you need antidepressants or other support.

Do you have kids? Is it possible your wife feels that you expect her to do everything and look after you and be cheerful to boot? Could you talk to her about what you feel you need and what she needs in return? So you need someone to talk to, she needs to go out without you making her feel guilty that you can't?

I'm not sure on the thing if your symptoms go on after the isolation period but is it worth getting retested so you know if you're ok to go out?

Tomyoneandonly · 03/04/2021 13:38

Sorry to hear your unwell. Covid has impacted on many families. My sil died of covid earlier this year her dm and dd had the virus to. My dm feels as you described. It sounds like you have long covid. There is something called tough love. Please don't be affended. There's only one person who can make you feel better and that is you! Only you can Forse yourself out of your box and only you can make yourself active. You really don't feel like it ATM but you will feel the benefits when you do. If you say in the same place for long periods of time you become costumed with it. Take some pain relief and just do something it doesn't matter what because it gets your body working to fight of the virus its so hard I know I've seen you can do it .

Aozora13 · 03/04/2021 13:44

I had long covid and it was horrific. Even just existing was completely exhausting and my mental health was in tatters as well as my physical health. It was months before I could walk a few hundred yards without getting completely out of breath. So you have my utmost sympathy from that perspective.

The situation put a great strain on my poor DH who had to do everything. I think what helped us (and even brought us together) was that he knew I was doing as much as I could and that I wasn’t taking him for granted - we worked together to adapt things so I could still help out, I made sure to thank him for everything he was doing, and above all trusted that he was trying his best. I did everything I could to get better, including regular conversations with my GP, joining support groups etc and accepted that I’d rather have support than sympathy (DH doesn’t have the best bedside manner!), and that some shit just wasn’t going to get done with 50% of the team laid up.

It was a rough old road and I’m not saying we skipped through but I’m forever grateful to DH for how he stepped up. Maybe time for a reset with your wife, focusing on her and her needs as well as your struggles.

Bythemillpond · 03/04/2021 13:49

I am normally a happy and fit person but after Covid I couldn’t do a thing for months. I got very depressed and life just looked bleak. There were many things (urgent things) that needed doing and I just couldn’t do them. I felt that someone had taken any energy I had out of me. I did do the shopping but if I needed to visit more than one shop then I didn’t have the energy to go to more than one store. It would have to be left till another day.

You are ill still. Not sure what the GP can do apart from give it time and rest.

picknmix1984 · 03/04/2021 13:50

I got long Covid and from March until August I couldn't stay awake. I really feel for you. Thankfully my husband was ill at exactly the same points as me.

Can you go to the gp she might take it more seriously then?

Bythemillpond · 03/04/2021 13:51

Should say if I had tried to go to a 2nd store then I think my legs would have buckled and I would have collapsed

JovialNickname · 03/04/2021 13:51

I'm really sorry to hear you've been so ill, that's rotten.

However I think we're all at a really low ebb and have no more emotional energy to give at the moment. For example I have a lovely housemate whose company I normally really enjoy. However I have been hiding from him for the last week because he has started to complain about EVERYTHING. Everything is a whinge, everything is a moan. Relentless negativity, all the time. Expressed in such a way that he is the only one suffering. When he opens his mouth it's like turning on a fucking misery switch. And I really can't take it. Other people are having a hard time, you know. I am dealing with things and staying OK by blocking out any negativity, and removing myself physically from it if necessary. We all know that life is shit at the moment and a lot of us are on the edge. Maybe your wife needs to take a break from your illness/complaining/ negativity for her own sanity, just for a bit.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh and I hope you feel better soon.

thelegohooverer · 03/04/2021 14:20

When I’m ill I see all the things that need doing/fixing/mending and it feels like there’s an impossible amount to do. Some of those things get taken care of, almost without a second thought when I’m well, and others aren’t enough of a priority with everything else that needs doing day in day out.

I’ve learned to just turn my thoughts to something else and wait until I’m well, rather than fretting about things I have no power to change in the moment. So honestly, I agree with you dw; you are seeing these things because you’re ill.

I’m a bit puzzled that you feel that you’re making no extra work for your dw while you’re ill. What do you contribute normally if there’s no slack to be picked up at all? Even if all you do is work outside the home, she must be carrying some extra financial worries?

You say you were overwhelmed with work and life and not much fun before this. We all go through stressful periods and it’s really important to learn to be able to lean in to your marriage at these times and take comfort from each other. That’s a skill that you can practice, like any other.

I have a tendency to bottle things up and worry and that results in me being a bit snappy. It’s not good for a marriage and with dh I’ve learned not to do that. We both consider our relationship a very high priority, and regardless of what’s going on, we work at showing love to each other.

There’s a lot of things you can’t do at the moment, but maybe you could work a bit on your attitude and positivity. It’s not a given that you complain and moan if things are tough - it’s a choice. And learning to be positive is like going to the gym and working out.

I struggle with anxiety and depression, and I have had to learn to cultivate positivity because otherwise I would drown in my thoughts. So I’m not coming from a place of not understanding depression.

Tal45 · 03/04/2021 14:51

Is this long covid OP? Could be worth discussing with your GP, depression can be a symptom of long covid. I definitely think you need to do something and try to get help. Is your wife doing anything to help you? Making meals for example? If so I think you need to start really appreciating her as it sounds like you may not be and she is struggling with that.

It sounds like your job is also not what you want - perhaps see this as a wake up call that's it's time to have a look around for something else? I think you need to really stop worrying about all these little things that are gettign to you and concentrate on getting better. The house will still be standing afterwards but if you keep going the way you are your relationship may not.

LoisWilkersonslastnerve · 03/04/2021 15:09

Some awful comments on this thread. Op get yourself to the GP and have a long think about the kind of relationship you are in.

Whatifitallgoesright · 03/04/2021 19:27

Definitely sounds like you might have depression. Ignore unsympathetic posters. Book a Dr appt. Have a look at online questionnaire which will help you with how to measure your feelings and the sort of things the Dr will ask.
www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/guides-tools-and-activities/depression-anxiety-self-assessment-quiz/

EarthSight · 03/04/2021 19:31

If your neighbours are being noisy and they are disturbing your rest, I highly recommend earplugs.