I’d really appreciate some advice - I don’t feel as if we are a team

[vanillabluelavender]

My OH is a good sort. Very kind and generous and so on - but I feel like our relationship Is really not working as well as it could be at the moment.

We have a 3 month old baby and I am on maternity leave. I do pretty much everything. This is a baby who won’t let you put him down much so it’s a challenge.

Today for instance OH was off work as it’s obviously good Friday. He had baby for an hour in the morning while I got some sleep. I then had baby 8-1:30. OH had him briefly while I ate lunch. And then me again up until 6.

That’s typical. He will help but only in brief windows.

It’s driving a wedge between us as I’m so tired I go to bed when ds does, while he stays up watching TV.

He doesn't sound kind and caring, he sounds like a selfish dick

Have you talked to him?

Ask him what sort of relationship he imagines having with his ds.... He doesn't need to be helping. He need to be contributing to raising his own dc...

Here’s what I would do. Hand the baby to him, say I need a break, then disappear for a few hours whilst he parents.

Are you breast feeding? Because if you aren't, my advice to you is to get up tomorrow, hand the baby to your OH and go out. Go for a walk, a drive, a coffee, a safe catch-up, but go out. And don't take your phone.

Then when you go back, have an open and honest conversation about what you expect your new life to look like.

If you are BF then it's slightly more complicated, but the same principles apply.

Talk to him about it ASAP.
Be very clear about what the issue is and what you need without attacking. Otherwise the issue will get worse and cause more resentment!

I had this when my daughter was a baby. I huffed about instead of saying anything and still feel resentful about it now. On reflection I should have just told my OH he needed to do more to share the load more evenly.

My feeling is that child care is the same as work. If you are looking after a baby you are working.

Has he had a long time alone with the baby yet? If not I wonder if he fully appreciates how much it takes to look after a
Small baby.

Does he make up for it in other ways ie doing the bulk of the housework?

I had two Velcro babies and DH couldn’t do a thing with them for the first year or so of their lives as they’d scream (and scream and scream) within 30 seconds of being held by him or left in his company because all they wanted was me and my boobs. He could barely even take them for a walk in the pram. So I could have written what you have out of necessity, but he took on a lot of the non-baby stuff.

I don’t really care about the housework to be honest - it doesn’t take a significant amount of time.

Disappearing for a day seems pretty extreme.

He disappears every day, whether it's to work, to watch TV or just mentally.

But of course you don't have to disappear for a whole day, just go out and please yourself in an uncontactable manner for a few hours.

Is today typical? Do you always do shifts like this in days off for the whole day? I wonder about hair having a conversation about how the adjustment is going and what you both think is going well and not etc? It seems like he treats days off as your job to do parenting and maybe you do too a bit as you say "help" when parenting his baby isn't really helping it's normal. I think an open chat is the way forward.

Sorry no idea why it says hair!

Agree with @Flittingaboutagain - is this a typical day? Because when we were on parental leave (we did six months each), if the other one was off work then unless something specific was happening for one of us, we’d parent together. We stopped doing shifts after the first few weeks when we were used to the sleep deprivation.

Will he not go for a walk with the pram?

It’s not a typical day as he hasn’t been at work but I’m guessing you mean a typical day off? Hard to say as obviously lockdown. But he does often disappear for chunks of time.

Yes a typical day off work I meant. Typical of him since the baby arrived to see his days off as his time not family time unless there are specific plans?

This sounds really unfair on you. You planned a baby together you share the work together. He can't just dip in and out when he chooses , he's not a sibling who is helping out he's a parent. You need to have a frank talk with him

Get some time to yourself and leave baby with dad ASAP. This WILL get worse. You will get used to picking up his slack and he will continue to slack off knowing he can get away with it.
Wish someone told me this 3 years ago!

So in those hours you had the baby, what was he doing? Did you do anything together?? Go for a walk?!

Can you clarify what it is you want him to do OP? Like I said, there was really nothing baby-related my DH could do other than nappy changes at this age and there was no point in him dancing attendance to watch me breastfeed and binge-watch crap TV. Taking care of everything else was the biggest help but you say this doesn’t matter to you?

ElphabaTheGreen I was unable to breastfeed although I did try really hard. I didn’t once say I wanted him to dance in attendance

But ds and I were out between 12 and 2 yesterday. The rest of the day until 6 I was stuck entertaining an increasingly fretful baby who will only sleep in certain circumstances (car or pram) so it’s not even like I get downtime when he naps.

Housework takes seconds. It doesn’t take me more than a couple of minutes to load and unload the dishwasher and washing machine, ds likes the hoover, giving surfaces a wipe down. That’s fine.

But this baby is a lot of work and I don’t expect OH to get up in the night but just a bit of respite sometimes would be good.

Anyway he did actually help yesterday evening so that’s good.

What have you already communicated with your husband?

Have you said actually you need to step up as daddy and take baby for a walk in the park for an hour - go feed the ducks?

TVs with our first we literally took turns feeding and nappy changing, obviously only when we were together. Nights were pretty good from 8 weeks, but I did week nights dad did weekend nights so we both had full nights sleep

I’m not too fussed about nights. It’s days when I need help. Fair enough if he’s working he can’t. But that’s the thing: he can come out of work to do something in the garden or related to his hobby but not to help with baby. Anyway I know I’m being ridiculous but that dance in attendance comment really has upset me - let’s leave it.

ElphabaTheGreen I was unable to breastfeed although I did try really hard. I didn’t once say I wanted him to dance in attendance hmm

You also never actually clarified what it was you did want him to do either so don’t be rude to people trying to help, maybe?

The fact you’re not breastfeeding does change everything, though, as presumably the baby duties can be split much more equitably. So talk to him.

I’m not being rude but you’re being very aggressive. I think it’s fairly obvious that having a baby for 23 out of 24 hours alone gets pretty exhausting. Clarifying what I want - not to be ignored, to be helped - seemed so obvious. But leave it. Please.

No, I’m not being aggressive at all OP. I made a passing comment about my own circumstances that you took completely the wrong way.

I vividly remember feeling frustrated about why DH wasn’t ‘doing more’ with our babies but when I looked at it objectively and practically, there was nothing he could actually do beyond the non-baby stuff, so baby duties did have to be mine 24/7. I was trying to establish if that’s where you’re currently at.

But it is different for you, so talk to him.