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Original poster

I’d really appreciate some advice - I don’t feel as if we are a team

53 replies

vanillabluelavender · 02/04/2021 18:48

My OH is a good sort. Very kind and generous and so on - but I feel like our relationship Is really not working as well as it could be at the moment.

We have a 3 month old baby and I am on maternity leave. I do pretty much everything. This is a baby who won’t let you put him down much so it’s a challenge.

Today for instance OH was off work as it’s obviously good Friday. He had baby for an hour in the morning while I got some sleep. I then had baby 8-1:30. OH had him briefly while I ate lunch. And then me again up until 6.

That’s typical. He will help but only in brief windows.

It’s driving a wedge between us as I’m so tired I go to bed when ds does, while he stays up watching TV. Sad

OP posts:
Oneeyeopen · 03/04/2021 06:35

@vanillabluelavender ignore @ElphabaTheGreen OP.
Your dh should be doing more.
And the dancing in attendance comment is ridiculous. I bf and my dh used to take our ds off me when I'd finished and settle him so I could go back to sleep.
Imo you need to insist your dh does some nights because you will get very tired otherwise.
The idea of leaving your dh with the baby for 3 or 4 hours is a good one.
Atm your dh has no real idea of what your life is like. Presumably your dh is off until Tuesday. Use this weekend to get dh into a routine where he has the baby for a decent chunk of time including at least 1 night.
He needs to be bathing, feeding and changing the baby at least on a regular basis.
Remember if anything ever happened to you he would have to do it anyway. He's not incapable but he probably just thinks you know how to do it all.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/04/2021 06:40

@ElphabaTheGreen

Can you clarify what it is you want him to do OP? Like I said, there was really nothing baby-related my DH could do other than nappy changes at this age and there was no point in him dancing attendance to watch me breastfeed and binge-watch crap TV. Taking care of everything else was the biggest help but you say this doesn’t matter to you?
You DH was incapable of holding a baby? How odd.
Kinder123 · 03/04/2021 06:42

The first year is tough. It's really easy to fall into the pattern of being the one who does everything. Explain to your other half you need a break or breaks. E.g one evening per week is his, or you take Sat, he takes Sunday. Whatever. And take yourself out of the house at those times initially. Get to the supermarket or head out for a long walk.

Silverfly · 03/04/2021 06:44

I'd be upset by this too OP. Can you tell us, what is he doing during the time when you have the baby?

There are three more days of the Easter weekend left. Make sure he realises this is your time off too and carve out some time for yourself.

Maybe your DH genuinely hasn't realised how you're feeling? Have you told him?

ElphabaTheGreen · 03/04/2021 06:56

Both of my babies absolutely lost their shit if they were held by anyone other than me for the six months at least, MrsTerryPratchett. There was literally nothing DH could do - no ‘settling after a feed’ because their eyes would ping open at the change of body/smell and they would absolutely shriek. We tried and tried but there was virtually zero bonding with DH in the first year because they just wouldn’t have anything to do with him. They’re all best mates now, so they got there eventually.

But I daren’t say anything more before it’s completely misinterpreted.

ShadierThanaPalmTree · 03/04/2021 07:02

I feel for you op, the first weeks are so hard 💐 You need to talk to him. Just be honest with him about how you feel, and what you would like him to do. He might feel like he doesn't want to take over and upset you, or might not know what to do. Some men can be a bit useless unless directly told what to do. But without speaking to him about your feelings and expectations, absolutely nothing will change.

Cannotgarden · 03/04/2021 07:10

My advice IS to care about housework because believe me, when you're doing all the housework and doing all the childcare you will resent DH and hate your life.

I would draw up a list of jobs that are DH responsibility and he does ALL the job so he owns it.

I'd get a sling, give it to your DH when baby is getting unsettled and suggest he go for a walk to give you five mins peace.

I also have had very clingy babies so I know how it is but the more DH helps the more your baby will see him as a caregiver rather than some random person.

Original poster
vanillabluelavender · 03/04/2021 07:14

Elphaba I’m sorry if I made you feel rubbish, not my intention. We obviously misunderstood one another.

I really, really wanted to breastfeed and was very upset when it didn’t work. But even if I was a breastfeeding mum I’d still need help. Ds doesn’t only cry when hungry - in fact it’s highly unusual for this to happen as he’s fed very regularly. Mostly it’s tiredness (he’s not very good at daytime naps.)

So things OH could do and I’m not suggesting he has to do all or even most. Just some. Are:

Bath ds and get him into his babygro ready for the night

Do one night a week on Friday or Saturday so it’s not always me

Take ds out in the pram (to be fair he did do this yesterday - but it doesn’t happen a lot. Maybe once a fortnight.)

Change ds into clean clothes when ds brings up milk. This is what I mean about the team thing - if OH was holding ds and ds threw up I’d go and get clean clothes from the nursery. If this happens in reverse OH just says oh dear Hmm Smile

Check I don’t need anything. As sometimes I do get pinned to the sofa by a sleeping baby and would like a drink, phone charger, TV remote ...

What he DOES do

Pays for all bills and groceries while I’m on ML

Does all the DIY stuff - he’s great with his hands and has saved me a fortune in fixing things!

All the car stuff - he knows his stuff with cars

So he isn’t totally awful or anything. But when he is engulfed by something it takes over and this is what happened yesterday and has happened a few times, he vanishes into the garage to mess about with cars or bikes and I’m literally left holding the baby.

OP posts:
AWryGiraffe · 03/04/2021 07:34

Yes, that's pretty rubbish. The least he could do is keep you company and spend time with you both on a bank holiday.

Talk to him and tell him how you feel. It's important to get some time to yourself in those early stages and also to feel like the baby is both of your responsibilities, because it is!

Silverfly · 03/04/2021 07:39

He should definitely be doing bath time OP - that's a nice bonding experience for dad and baby. And one weekend night is a good idea too. Have you suggested that he does these things and he said no?

FishWithoutABike · 03/04/2021 07:40

I feel like this with DP still now the children are much older. I’m in charge of most aspects of the childcare and he will ‘help out’. I’ve talked to him lots and he tries but basically I have higher standards and it never lasts. I would nip it in the bud now.

itsme1978 · 03/04/2021 07:41

I'm sorry I you've mentioned this already, but what does he say when you've spoken to him about this?

Silverfly · 03/04/2021 07:46

It's really worth getting this sorted now OP while it's still early days. It will get harder to change things IME as you both settle into your parenting roles.

Kinder123 · 03/04/2021 07:51

Having longer passages of time where he is solely responsible for baby will hopefully give him a sense of what's it's like to be the main carer. It will also help him to properly bond with his child. As others are saying get this sorted now...

suggestionsplease1 · 03/04/2021 07:52

So things OH could do and I’m not suggesting he has to do all or even most. Just some. Are:

It sounds like you've identified the core problem here when you say this OP - you're not suggesting he has to do all or even most - why haven't you suggested this to him?

Lots of people on this thread have asked if you have talked to him about this and you don't seem to have confirmed that you have. If you haven't already done that this is absolutely your first step.

mamas12 · 03/04/2021 07:53

You do sound exhausted You’re right it’s the mental load too
Ok so sit him down and have a chat, ask him what he could do to share the mental load and do his fair share of patenting
You leaving the house for one hour today to start with sounds great, Then two hours Tomorrow and three on Monday
You will all benefit with him stepping up to be a parent it is not Your new job now

NemoRocksMyWorld · 03/04/2021 07:53

You have probably just fallen into these roles naturally. You don't ever say he is refusing to do these things, have you asked him? Also do it specifically. So not "I need you to take the baby more", but "here, take the baby, I'm going for a bath, im going to be a couple of hours".

Also dh and I used to play a hilarious game of "hold the baby a minute" and then run off cackling and refuse to take them back. 😁. It relies on the other person being distracted enough to take the baby without thinking. We still do this with rubbish now "here, hold this a minute" and then the other person has to find a bin. We are immature though and find this hilarious! So maybe not the suggested method.

ElphabaTheGreen · 03/04/2021 07:56

No worries OP Flowers It’s a tough time.

category12 · 03/04/2021 08:09

If you're not breastfeeding, there's no reason in the world that in his time off, your dh shouldn't be looking after the baby half the time.

cptartapp · 03/04/2021 08:11

Stop using the word 'help'. Why is it you not 'helping' him? It's not your role to take the lead in all things child related. If you split he'd have to crack on 50% of the time single handed.
He can go and tinker in the garage for a couple of hours, fine. Then he takes over and out you go. Without baby.
Bit worrying.

Seadad · 03/04/2021 08:22

Have you asked him to do the things he could do? New fathers can lack confidence with babies and don't always step up until they are prodded!

Eslteacher06 · 03/04/2021 08:36

Completely get this, and please, ignore the unnecessarily blunt comments.

What you've written above...tell him when you're both in a calm mood. My husband is exactly the same. He thinks you're ok with it when you're really not.

And I know it feels like he should know this, but they don't. If you tell him and he carries on being ignorant, then that's the time to be annoyed.

Gyh863 · 03/04/2021 08:39

It always amazes me when I read these threads about men who don't do their fair share of child raising and housework. It's 2021 for Christ's sake. Unless you live in a tiny flat then housework does take time, and a new baby means lots of washing. And children also mean more cooking, dishwasher and endless tidying of toys etc. It's hard work.

It shouldn't feel like an option for him to get involved with it all or not. It's his responsibility that he's shirking. No, you don't sound like a team. He seems to think you're in charge.

Mylovelyhorsee · 03/04/2021 08:53

Why aren’t you together? Anytime we have off we spend all together in the same room, watching tv/reading/playing video games whatever. We don’t go off and do our own thing (we have our times that we do our hobbies) but weekend/bank holidays are family time.

Original poster
vanillabluelavender · 03/04/2021 09:02

I don’t think there’s anything wrong or unhealthy in one person doing their hobby while the other doesn’t. The problem is of course firstly it takes too much time. Reasonable to spend a couple of hours on it. Not reasonable to spend most of the day!

I do need to talk to him. I don’t want to sound overly critical.

OP posts:
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