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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hubby, work and finances

73 replies

Mermaid75 · 02/04/2021 17:54

DH and I have v. different perspectives and after over 20 years it may be the end of us. Question I wanted to ask if people are okay to share is how much do you spend on living per year (everything included like holidays, kids clothes, haircuts etc)? We have what I think is a pretty low mortgage, have a good holiday every year but don't have days/meals out all the time, drive old cars etc. With 3 teenage children I estimated total (absolutely everything I could think of) to cost 25 - 30K a year. DH has never had ambition, several periods out of work over the years through choice and doesn't want to live to work. All fine in theory except he is not contributing anywhere near half, let alone savings for the future. I'm S/Employed, had a good couple of years income wise and enjoy what I do but it is bloody hard work and lots of pressure on me to earn because he doesn't earn enough. He just thinks we should cut back and live more simply so that he can work p-time. He does tell me to work less to but he has no idea of reality of costs or being s/e. We are both late 40's and no private pensions, but some savings. I am in despair - feel like I am made out to be money grabbing/materialist if I try to approach it. I have no idea what is "normal" family costs are but don't think we are extravagant and I don't see why I should support my DH just because he doesn't want to work more. It's not about the days he works - if he had a well paid job and p/t contributed a fair share I wouldn't have a problem. I need to tackle this and I feel like this will be the end of our relationship.

OP posts:

Palavah · 02/04/2021 18:03

Is he going to change?
He's not inclined to pull his weight financially. Does he do half the housework, parenting, including mental load?

How long are you prepared to go on supporting him?

Trixie78 · 02/04/2021 18:06

He's unlikely to change but at this statage in life you really need to start getting the finances together. Do the sums, would you be better off apart?

autumnalrain · 02/04/2021 18:07

I don’t think either of you are wrong.

Your DP is not wrong in the sense that a work life balance is important for happiness and if you are both currently are able to cover the bills it doesn’t make sense to trade happiness for monetary gain.

But on the other hand, you are also allowed to want nice things.

Some people enjoy the simple life and some people enjoy materialistic stuff. Neither is wrong. The real issue is that you’re incompatible in your thinking.

AaSaat · 02/04/2021 18:13

It doesn't matter that you are not compatible its the resentment that builds up that is the issue

RandomMess · 02/04/2021 18:16

He is being unrealistic. How old are the teens??? They are very expensive.

How are you going to retire with no pensions??

I would be fuming tbh.

Standrewsschool · 02/04/2021 18:39

budget planner

I think you need to sit down together and go through finances together. There’s a link to a planner above. It makes you consider everything, from regular expenses such as car insurance, to less regular costs.

Maybe he just doesn’t have an idea of how much the cost of living is. Not an excuse, but it sounds like you have taken all the financial responsibility, and he has just coasted.

As a rough guide:
Christmas - save £200 per month
Food - £600 per month
Haircuts - £80 every other month
Clothes /shoes/school uniform - £50 per month?
Holiday - save £200 per month

Working part-time is a luxury.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/04/2021 18:44

Late 40s with no pension would worry me.

However, more important to me would be what he contributes. Does he do all the housework, parent really effectively, do admin and planning? Because he appears not to understand the finances which implies he doesn't.

HollowTalk · 02/04/2021 18:46

I'd find it hard to respect a man his age who wanted to work part-time and live off his wife's earnings, particularly when there are teenagers to support.

Face it, OP. If he went part-time now and has had periods of self-induced unemployment, things will get much worse as he gets older and aches and pains start to hit him.

What would life look like without him?

Aquamarine1029 · 02/04/2021 18:47

Your husband doesn't give a fuck about how you feel and what your needs are. That's the long and short of it. Get rid, you'll be a lot happier.

Oblomov21 · 02/04/2021 18:51

Why did you marry him? Someone who doesn't pull their weight? Is he really a lazy good girl nothing?

I've only ever worked part time, and only ever will. But I have a serious medical condition, since birth. And I do all housework, cooking, kids to school (not now they are old teens) but I did, all sports days/mufti days etc.

Standrewsschool · 02/04/2021 18:52

Maybe you can use the start of the new tax year as the excuse to look at money. Calmly explain you want to know how you stand, make plans for the future etc. Don’t be afraid to mention pensions. See how much the state one pays, and compares that to the your present cost of living. Maybe he needs a short, sharp shock.

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 02/04/2021 19:00

I honestly think financial couples counselling should be available on the NHS...

I think you have a mis-match in what you want. I note though that your DH isn't trying to 'live off you', he's saying 'let's cut back so we can live the way I want to live.' And I do think that's important. It's OK for you to want to work for things and it's OK for him not to want to work for things. (Although the state of your pensions horrifies me and IMO that kind of saving shouldn't be optional).

I think you need to talk about this deeply and probably more than once, which will likely be really uncomfortable because we're not brought up to have these discussions. There has to be a compromise, especially if your DCs want to go to uni and you want to have a comfortable old age. It's shit, but that's how it is.

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 02/04/2021 19:02

And you know, you're letting him make you feel money grubbing and materialistic. Try to reframe that as financially savvy and ambitious for your family, you'll feel a lot better about the discussion.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/04/2021 19:06

I note though that your DH isn't trying to 'live off you', he's saying 'let's cut back so we can live the way I want to live.'

Kind of. Except it doesn't sound as if he pays half of their expenses now. So he is living off her. He may not think he is though.

Standrewsschool · 02/04/2021 19:13

@Oblomov21

Why did you marry him? Someone who doesn't pull their weight? Is he really a lazy good girl nothing?

Sorry, when I said working o/t is a luxury, I obviously realise some people are unable to work full-time for various reasons. Realised as I pressed ‘post’ it sounded a bit harsh. Only meant it’s a luxury for op’s dh, as it sounds like op is taking up the financial slack. He’s not considering how hard she is working, or the future.

AIMD · 02/04/2021 19:19

If he want to work part time in order to have more time than cash that’s fine. What isn’t fine is expecting either for you to fund a lifestyle for him that is only achievable because you work full time.

Maybe you should both half the bills (including agreeing a reasonable amount to budget for holidays/Xmas etc) and then any excess you each have from savings you keep and decided what to do with individually.

Original poster

Mermaid75 · 02/04/2021 19:23

@Palavah he does do some of the house stuff but not 50% and virtually none of the mental load (

OP posts:

user1471538283 · 02/04/2021 19:23

I'd love to work part time but I cant afford it. You must feel so pressured whilst he does as he likes. I think you would be better off on your own or at least he pays half the realistic expenses

Fireflygal · 02/04/2021 19:27

30k net a year for 5 people household isn't unreasonable. If you both earned £25k a year then that would be enough.

What is he earning? Reality is he has to earn enough to pay his way, unless you are a very high earner and he takes care of the house and children.

Definitely prioritise pensions. Are you counting on inheritances?

Original poster

Mermaid75 · 02/04/2021 19:28

@autumnalrain whilst we "could" cut back if really needed, I am not in the least materialistic. Most of my clothes are charity shop, we rarely spend on DIY, don't go out much as a couple. I rarely spend stuff on myself.

OP posts:

SouthernBounce · 02/04/2021 19:29

Does what he earn even cover his own expenses, half the bills including food and maintenance of the home and the costs of your children?

If not, does he believe the children are more your responsibility than his, or that a roof and fuel and food are there by magic and he and his children enjoy them with the help of a fairy who hasn’t had to graft for it?

He’s happy to see you work your fingers to the bone and put his feet up.
Perhaps he should have got himself neutered and slept in a doghouse in a nearby field if he was not interested in contributing to a home and children. As things stand, he doesn’t have a choice if you’re not willing to be virtually the sole family provider.

Is he fit and healthy physically and mentally?

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/04/2021 19:31

[quote Mermaid75]@Palavah he does do some of the house stuff but not 50% and virtually none of the mental load ([/quote]
Hard no from me then. Sorry.

RandomMess · 02/04/2021 19:32

He sounds like he's more of a freeloader than partner!

Erm I assume you don't have equal leisure time either then?

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 02/04/2021 19:35

@MrsTerryPratchett

I note though that your DH isn't trying to 'live off you', he's saying 'let's cut back so we can live the way I want to live.'

Kind of. Except it doesn't sound as if he pays half of their expenses now. So he is living off her. He may not think he is though.

You know what @MrsTerryPratchett you're totally right. I think I was thinking of threads on here where p/t or SAHP's don't want to go back to work and that the advice given in those situations can sometimes be a bit...different to the way this thread was going. But actually I bent over backwards to be fair to a cocklodger didn't I?

SouthernBounce · 02/04/2021 19:35

Do you have another position like this open in your house, OP?
I think people will bite you hand off for it.

If one must have a househusband, at least make sure he’s really good at his job. Lazy men are dime a dozen, only difference is most of them want to at least provide for themselves and their family.

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