Hubby, work and finances

[Mermaid75]

DH and I have v. different perspectives and after over 20 years it may be the end of us. Question I wanted to ask if people are okay to share is how much do you spend on living per year (everything included like holidays, kids clothes, haircuts etc)? We have what I think is a pretty low mortgage, have a good holiday every year but don't have days/meals out all the time, drive old cars etc. With 3 teenage children I estimated total (absolutely everything I could think of) to cost 25 - 30K a year. DH has never had ambition, several periods out of work over the years through choice and doesn't want to live to work. All fine in theory except he is not contributing anywhere near half, let alone savings for the future. I'm S/Employed, had a good couple of years income wise and enjoy what I do but it is bloody hard work and lots of pressure on me to earn because he doesn't earn enough. He just thinks we should cut back and live more simply so that he can work p-time. He does tell me to work less to but he has no idea of reality of costs or being s/e. We are both late 40's and no private pensions, but some savings. I am in despair - feel like I am made out to be money grabbing/materialist if I try to approach it. I have no idea what is "normal" family costs are but don't think we are extravagant and I don't see why I should support my DH just because he doesn't want to work more. It's not about the days he works - if he had a well paid job and p/t contributed a fair share I wouldn't have a problem. I need to tackle this and I feel like this will be the end of our relationship.

Very sweet of you @HoldontoOneMoreDay

@HoldontoOneMoreDay DH isn't contributing even near to 50% at the moment, so in effect he is living off me.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Very sweet of you *@HoldontoOneMoreDay*

I've not just let myself down, I've let all of MN down...

OP, you are of course right. And it sounds like you've discussed it more than once. So now you need to decide what you want to do. What you do financially in the next 15 years will have a massive impact on the final third of your life so you need to make changes now if that's what you want to do. If that means leaving him, then that's what you should do.

Soooo what do you want for the rest of your life?

Work and subsidise your H or divorce and only have to support yourself 🤷🏽‍♀️

To be fair, I work part-time and contribute to a third of household income. However, I do the shopping, cleaning, cooking etc. And looked after the children. However, I think we are on the same hymn sheet regarding money, andi know if I had to, I would work full-time.

Who did the childcare when you dc were growing up? I’m guessing you, not him.

Wow, the usual MN advice really goes out the window when you swap the genders!

Not contributing half doesn't mean he is 'living off you'. If you are the higher earner, obviously you are going to contribute more percentage-wise. Without knowing what he earns, we can't possibly say whether his wage is enough.

If you were a man on here saying your wife wasn't 'ambitious' enough and wasn't contributing 50% despite you being the higher earner, you'd rightfully be called an arsehole.

I don’t think it matters whether you are male or female here. It’s a partnership where each person wants something different and requires the other to agree with their stance.

Separate or get counselling and find a compromise.

I divorced a financial risk. Gave him 50% of the house and all other monies (but not my pension) as I just wanted a rapid divorce. My financial health took a hit in the first couple of years post divorce as I struggled to cope with mortgage etc on my own (inevitably he paid zero child support). I then because very comfortable as I wasn’t supporting another adult. He however went bankrupt. Each lived our own choices.

@Hont1986 I have no problem with me providing a higher % if my earnings are higher - I have a problem with paying more simply because he wants to work less (and no - he isn't even doing 50% of the other stuff, we don't have equal leisure time and he is not a SAHP or main childcare provider)

Do you think you have reached the end of the road with his attitude?

If he is earning enough with his p/t wage, then he doesn't need to work more. You haven't said how much he earns, so we can't possibly say.

He should be doing 50% of the housework, or more if he is working p/t, but at the same time, unequal leisure time is a red herring because we don't know how much you are choosing to work. In your OP you basically say you are an 'ambitious' self-employed person (coughworkaholiccough) and in my experience that usually means working every hour God sends, weekends too. If you have a set up like that then he isn't wrong for not giving up his leisure time to subsidize you.

The only way I would accept him working PT in your shoes would be if he took on much more responsibility for the house, the kids and the "mental load". Otherwise, he's just a rather expensive hobby that you need to choose whether or not you continue with.

Why does he think he deserves to work less than you while you subsidise him?

Gosh yes @Hont1986 there are thousands of threads about women who don't work full time, don't do childcare, don't do household admin, don't do 50% of the housework with no disabilities or caring needs being cheered on. Thousands I tell you!

Do a time audit, amd a money audit. Keep track of everything you do and spend.

Tell him you really want him to be right- who doesn't want to work less and live more simply- but just need reassurance that it's possible.

After a month, compare it. Look at what each of you has spent and on what.
Kids' costs should be split 50:50.
Look at the hours each of you has spent at work, at leisure, or on household tasks.

Ask him where you should both cut back. Get him to sell it to you. It's his job to prove it's possible.

I've been here a long time and yes there are plenty of threads about SAHMs of school age children who post about their husbands working 60hrs a week and they aren't told they are living off their husbands or that they lack ambition.

Basically he's just saying, "Look, I fancy being a cocklodger" - I would just tell him that you don't want to live with a cocklodger, so he needs to find someone else to sponge off.

It sounds like you want different lifestyles. You either both need to find a compromise or split.

It's not fair on you to pick up the financial slack if you're not happy with that station. On the flip side if he can work P/T and support the lifestyle he wants it's not fair to guilt him in to working more.

But he wants a lifestyle that she's paying for!

@HollowTalk from what I gather the OPs DH wants the OP to cut back. I think the responses have been a bit one sided personally. They just sound mismatched to me although I wonder why that was overlooked at the start?

It could be op you’re right and the mismatch brings you to the end of the road.

I earn more than dh and this contribute more. Now. That’s been different in the past and he’s supported me on what I wanted to do to get here. He works hard and he always has. I have utmost respect for him and cash doesn’t factor into that as our bills are paid he feels like he is a partner to me.

I don’t pick that up from your post. He’s entitled to want to live more simply. You’re entitled not to want that. Neither is wrong but you are not partners working to the same end. If you can’t change that between you perhaps it’s time to move on.

So you wear op shop clothes, drive old cars, don't eat out and have no pension. That sounds pretty simple to me. What does he have in mind for simpler living? My idea for simpler living would be getting rid of him. You'd have less cooking and cleaning as well as fewer expenses. I would be enraged that he expects you to work fulltime so he can work part-time while you pay more of the bills and do. most of the admin and housework while he bleats to you about living more simply.

That's not even considering the children's education. We are supporting a child through medical school in another city who got in as a post-graduate as well as one at university in our city and it costs a lot. I presume you want your children to have the opportunity for further education.

OP so you are working hard and can't even afford to buy nice clothes now in your forties. Wait until you are older and you will be unable to pay the bills with no pension to rely on.

I think you need to be having a conversation with your husband about pulling his weight.
If you do start looking into pensions and you are thinking of splitting up, wait until you have or he will be entitled to half of it.

I have a works pension from before I had my children which kicked in at 60.

After I had the family I worked part time and never thought too much about pensions. What I get each month does not even cover the council tax for this house. My husband left us years ago and took all of our savings and investments which were in effect our pensions. In May this year I qualify for the state pension. I wish I had continued paying into my other pension but a lot of the time I worked for cash which I saved and he took it, so he left me high and dry.
I have money in my house so I can downsize and I also have some savings but I wish I had thought about the future.
You should look into it. It is not nice having to watch every penny which it sounds like you are having to do now.

OP

You will be working into your 70's with this waster.

He's lived off you for years.

Sounds like you are done.

Don't be caught for your pension and even more of the equity in your home.

Teens are very expensive.

It's clear he just wants to work and pay for his family.

The dirty business of juggling it all being left to you.

Protect yourself.

He is being selfish - i’m sure we’d all like to work less but life is not like that. He is being unreasonable its unfair to you and he needs to change his ways or I dont see how you can carry on together.

With no pensions neither of you can afford to work PT or have stretches of unemployment. I wouldn’t be willing to financially support someone healthy but choosing not to work.

So would be seeking legal advice.