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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Me micromanaging or DH being f-ing useless?

85 replies

UncleBunclesHouse · 02/04/2021 14:01

I am prepared for some flaming here but I’d like to hear honest views. We have always had very different standards of tidiness - I am more on the extreme tidy side and he is very messy. I knew this when we got together, his other wonderful qualities make up for it. However the constantly trapped at home situation of the past year, plus me having a rough pregnancy has really brought the issues around this to the fore.

It is a tidiness thing, not cleanliness and I never have to worry about that side. He does all the cooking, this past year has done all the shopping (not very well...but has taken responsibility for it), there are also a number of ‘his’ jobs which I have nothing to do with and he just cracks on. He is self employed and works long hours with often unexpected issues which he has to drop everything to attend to.

However - he leaves a trail of destruction in his wake, never puts anything away and if I ask him to do something ‘for me’ (it’s not for me, but not one of ‘his’ jobs). He is very forgetful- in all areas of life but worse with anything domestic. We have talked about ways to work together on this, he asks me to make a list, which he 99% of the time ignores. He says he will do X,Y,Z then just doesn’t. I can ask a dozen times and nothing happens. I feel like nagging and list making is just enabling him, micromanaging like a child and making him tune out, but I’m at a loss at to what else to do tbh. It’s like he has a mental filing system and if it isn’t deemed important to him it goes in the trash folder. I know this as when it is something really important, for example anything that would affect the health, safety or security of me or DC, he deals with it very quickly. But the general mess, that I can’t really tidy up at the moment due to said pregnancy issues, makes me unhappy and stressed in my own home. So he might not think it matters if his clothes are all over the floor, but when I have to look at it all day it does matter to me.

Do I just need to let this go?? I’m debating stopping asking anything at all, problem is I see it will be me who will suffer from it ultimately as I’ll be fuming inside at the mess! But I’d feel less stressed also I think, if I wasn’t feeling let down. No point in saying stop doing his washing, leave the mess or whatever, he wouldn’t care so that wouldn’t work.

OP posts:
Becstar90 · 02/04/2021 14:07

I'm in the situation. I cannot stand when he takes shit out and doesn't put it back. Leaves clothes on top of the washing machine instead of putting them in it, hangs towel over the shower screen instead of putting it where they hang which is right next to the shower..list goes on.. like whyyyy is it so hard!

Becstar90 · 02/04/2021 14:10

And you know what really pisses me off. He has ONE job. The bins, once a week that takes 5 minutes to take out but I do jobs everyday as well as looking after our 3 yr old and trying to keep her entertained in between. Ugh

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 02/04/2021 14:11

Bin and book a cleaner?

Far less stressful in the long run than never being able to rely on somebody who pretends to need something more like a fucking star chart written by his Mum to be able to do anything.

Or do him lists printed in Comic Sans and with a space for a star when they're completed? Literally doing it might make him realise just how ridiculous he's being - or he'll like the idea, albeit possibly less Infant School in design, which would suggest that he might have some form of learning or processing disability.

KitKatBunny · 02/04/2021 14:12

Hiring a cleaner has probably saved our marriage. I was so fed up of being the only one to notice mess / clean it up. Do it.

Original poster
UncleBunclesHouse · 02/04/2021 14:13

@Becstar90 I hear you...😩

OP posts:
Original poster
UncleBunclesHouse · 02/04/2021 14:14

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

Bin and book a cleaner?

Far less stressful in the long run than never being able to rely on somebody who pretends to need something more like a fucking star chart written by his Mum to be able to do anything.

Or do him lists printed in Comic Sans and with a space for a star when they're completed? Literally doing it might make him realise just how ridiculous he's being - or he'll like the idea, albeit possibly less Infant School in design, which would suggest that he might have some form of learning or processing disability.

@NeverDropYourMoonCup love the idea of a patronising star chart!! But sadly I still don’t think it would get through. It would be me being mean.
OP posts:
Original poster
UncleBunclesHouse · 02/04/2021 14:15

We do have a cleaner, however that is once a week so doesn’t account for the day to day mess in between...

OP posts:
97876757user · 02/04/2021 14:19

Let it go. If he's doing his best and it's not good enough then do it yourself or get someone else to do it. Life is too short for this.

YoniAndGuy · 02/04/2021 14:20

I know this as when it is something really important, for example anything that would affect the health, safety or security of me or DC, he deals with it very quickly.

So, he needs to be made to understand, very clearly, that this stuff matters hugely and is really impacting your mental health?

Sit him down and tell him this. It's making you feel stressed, miserable, constantly making you think that your marriage just won't go the distance. That you can't live like this. That you can't see how you're going to be a happy family when you constantly feel you're being ignored, your feelings dismissed. That only what he thinks is important, is important. That once Covid is 'over' you are going to be doing some serious thinking. Etc.

SilverRoe · 02/04/2021 14:21

I think you’ve come at it like the default mode for how things should be is high standards of tidiness - like that is naturally the acceptable mode. He’s chaotic but gets shit done - that’s his personality, just like yours is more about things being tidy. I think you need to compromise a bit more because it’s not really fair to expect someone to change THEIR default mode to YOUR default mode.

You say he works long hours and does a lot of jobs and is always on top of things health and safety wise. So I think against that backdrop maybe you need to ask yourself why your need for it all to be tidy to your standards trumps who he is and the effort he puts in?

YoniAndGuy · 02/04/2021 14:21

And... if your answer to the above is 'Oh that won't work on him' - then the real problem is that what you say above, if something's important to safety or health etc. he'll do it blah blah... well, then that's not true. What it actually is, is that what HE thinks matters, matters... and what YOU think matters - is not important.

That's quite different.

billy1966 · 02/04/2021 14:22

OP,

Unfortunately in moving in with a lazy messy man AND having a child with him, you have knowingly signed up for this.

You have my sympathy as it will be utterly unbearable and will only get worse when you have children.

Do yourself a favour and only have the one.
Otherwise you will be run into the ground, doing everything and feeling nothing but resentment.
It kills the love and respect in a relationship.

His need to be messy is greater that his feelings for you and him caring for your happiness.

When someone really loves you, they adjust their behaviour when it has such a negative effect on their partner.

Pulling your weight in a home you share isn't unreasonable for good men.

It is for the selfish ones.

Best of luck though.
Flowers

Whatisupwithme · 02/04/2021 14:26

Anything that he drops on the floor goes on his pillow. Then he has to put it all away before he can go to bed. If he just shoves it allob the floor put it back on the next day and add anything else he has left lying around

fish88 · 02/04/2021 14:29

I'm not sure I would describe him as lazy unlike pp. From what op has written it sounds like he works long hours, does all the cooking and food shopping (which is a time consuming task, both physical time and the mental planning involved) and has several jobs that he is responsible for and completes without nagging. To me it just sounds like you have different standards around tidiness and level of clutter. I would try decluttering so there is less stuff to be left out but think you may just have to agree to disagree.

hartwood · 02/04/2021 14:45

@Whatisupwithme

Anything that he drops on the floor goes on his pillow. Then he has to put it all away before he can go to bed. If he just shoves it allob the floor put it back on the next day and add anything else he has left lying around
This is what I do lol. It's not up to you to sort out his clothes, just shove them under his pillow if you can't bear looking at them.
SwedishK · 02/04/2021 14:47

I agree with fish88. It does sound like he pulls his weight in many ways so he is not completely useless. He should still pick up after himself of course.

Something that grated on me was when the kids and husband would never put their shoes away when they got in so we always had a mountain of shoes you had to navigate through when you got home. I started throwing all the shoes left by the door into the basement so whenever they needed to go out they had to go find them there. It didn’t take long before they all started to put the shoes on the shoe rack, instead of next to it. I quite enjoyed that little exercise.

Original poster
UncleBunclesHouse · 02/04/2021 14:50

@YoniAndGuy

And... if your answer to the above is 'Oh that won't work on him' - then the real problem is that what you say above, if something's important to safety or health etc. he'll do it blah blah... well, then that's not true. What it actually is, is that what HE thinks matters, matters... and what YOU think matters - is not important.

That's quite different.

@YoniAndGuy I definitely do think there is a point to what you are saying here. I do get that sense a bit.
OP posts:
Original poster
UncleBunclesHouse · 02/04/2021 14:52

@Whatisupwithme

Anything that he drops on the floor goes on his pillow. Then he has to put it all away before he can go to bed. If he just shoves it allob the floor put it back on the next day and add anything else he has left lying around
Yes it just gets tipped on the floor - tried that one! I didn’t just put it back again though tbf...
OP posts:
Beans13 · 02/04/2021 14:56

So many men have been mummied way too much!

DP is exactly like this. Works hard in a high pressure job, is loving, caring, but a total slob!!! It disgusts me sometimes.

He literally leaves a trail of destruction of his dirty clothes, wrappers, dishes etc all over the house.

I know I am on the extreme side of tidy, whereas he isn't bothered about mess. It's just something you have to learn to compromise on and accept.

He is much better now than when we first met, which I am taking as a small win. I do still ask him to tidy things if stuff is particularly bad, but most of the time I just tidy as it's quicker...

Whythesadface · 02/04/2021 14:57

Buy him a few nice boxes, with lids
Chuck everything in them, out if site out of mind
Also ask him to get undressed in the bathroom only, so his clothing isn't all over the room.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/04/2021 14:58

"But the general mess, that I can’t really tidy up at the moment due to said pregnancy issues, makes me unhappy and stressed in my own home. So he might not think it matters if his clothes are all over the floor, but when I have to look at it all day it does matter to me."

Are you able to kick? If so, then I would kick his clothes. Possibly into one corner or the room, possibly into the hall, down the stairs and out the back door (depending on how much rage I was feeling). I'm not even kidding. All the talking you've done, the ignored lists you've written ("he asks me to make a list, which he 99% of the time ignores") have made not one jot of difference. It's time to try something new. If finding his clothes in the garden is an inconvenience, good - he's happy to inconvenience/stress you. It will hopefully jerk his head out of his arse and take the matter seriously.

LifeExperience · 02/04/2021 15:03

You said he's always been like this. So has my dh. We've been married over 30 years because I made the decision before we married that this was not a deal breaker. Messiness is his worst trait. Otherwise, he's been a wonderful husband and father and I am very lucky to have him.

Since tidiness is my issue, I deal with it. I need my surroundings to be very neat and minimal, so I straighten after him, put his things away, etc. I do these things matter of factly and without emotion. I married a messy man and I do not have the right to get upset when I knew what I was getting into.

hellcatspangle · 02/04/2021 15:10

I wish I knew the answer to this. My DH is the same...he will leave cups on the side next to the empty dishwasher, get things out of the garage and leave the door ajar, take something out of a packet and leave it there instead of putting in the bin. The list is endless and I'm also struggling to cope because of lockdown and being stuck in together. I've reduced myself to the level of passive aggressive acts to make a point which doesn't help anyone but it makes me feel better...so he's walking around with bottle tops in his coat pocket that he left on the work surface, and there's empty packets in his pants drawer. I'm not convinced we will be married much longer.

sueelleker · 02/04/2021 15:17

@UncleBunclesHouse

We do have a cleaner, however that is once a week so doesn’t account for the day to day mess in between...
Can you put a large box in each room, and dump anything he leaves lying around in it?
gannett · 02/04/2021 15:18

@YoniAndGuy

And... if your answer to the above is 'Oh that won't work on him' - then the real problem is that what you say above, if something's important to safety or health etc. he'll do it blah blah... well, then that's not true. What it actually is, is that what HE thinks matters, matters... and what YOU think matters - is not important.

That's quite different.

But why should OP's need for extreme tidiness matter to him? It sounds like he's pulling his weight, he's clean so nothing's a health hazard, and he takes initiative with the things he prioritises.

It's the other way round with me and DP. He's the extreme neat freak and I couldn't care less about a bit of mess, as long as everything's clean. We've both compromised on those things over the years but I'm just not going to live up to his ideal standards because quite frankly I don't care if my desk is a mess of stacks of paper, nor do I care if clothes are on the floor. So while my compromise has been to get better at my more slatternly tendencies (much better!) his compromise has been that he has to deal with a bit of mess.

If he tried to micromanage me into constantly tidying up I would probably just shrug at him.