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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Me micromanaging or DH being f-ing useless?

85 replies

UncleBunclesHouse · 02/04/2021 14:01

I am prepared for some flaming here but I’d like to hear honest views. We have always had very different standards of tidiness - I am more on the extreme tidy side and he is very messy. I knew this when we got together, his other wonderful qualities make up for it. However the constantly trapped at home situation of the past year, plus me having a rough pregnancy has really brought the issues around this to the fore.

It is a tidiness thing, not cleanliness and I never have to worry about that side. He does all the cooking, this past year has done all the shopping (not very well...but has taken responsibility for it), there are also a number of ‘his’ jobs which I have nothing to do with and he just cracks on. He is self employed and works long hours with often unexpected issues which he has to drop everything to attend to.

However - he leaves a trail of destruction in his wake, never puts anything away and if I ask him to do something ‘for me’ (it’s not for me, but not one of ‘his’ jobs). He is very forgetful- in all areas of life but worse with anything domestic. We have talked about ways to work together on this, he asks me to make a list, which he 99% of the time ignores. He says he will do X,Y,Z then just doesn’t. I can ask a dozen times and nothing happens. I feel like nagging and list making is just enabling him, micromanaging like a child and making him tune out, but I’m at a loss at to what else to do tbh. It’s like he has a mental filing system and if it isn’t deemed important to him it goes in the trash folder. I know this as when it is something really important, for example anything that would affect the health, safety or security of me or DC, he deals with it very quickly. But the general mess, that I can’t really tidy up at the moment due to said pregnancy issues, makes me unhappy and stressed in my own home. So he might not think it matters if his clothes are all over the floor, but when I have to look at it all day it does matter to me.

Do I just need to let this go?? I’m debating stopping asking anything at all, problem is I see it will be me who will suffer from it ultimately as I’ll be fuming inside at the mess! But I’d feel less stressed also I think, if I wasn’t feeling let down. No point in saying stop doing his washing, leave the mess or whatever, he wouldn’t care so that wouldn’t work.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 02/04/2021 15:20

When you say ‘general mess’ what exactly do you mean?

Plates left around, food wrappers etc? Disrespectful.

Towels in the bathroom not hung up - ditto.

Clothes by his side of the bed - I’m not so sure. If they’re not in your line if eight would that be OK? If not why not?

Asking him to do things that he forgets - again, I don’t know. What stuff? He cooks, meal plans, does chores, the place is clean and he’s self-employed with long sometimes unpredictable hours - that’s a fair heft of mental load right there just managing ‘his’ stuff so perhaps the forgetfulness is genuine and not disrespectful. Are you asking him to add important stuff to his list/day/week or nice to do/have?

He should consider your feelings and try to modify his behaviour but you say yourself you’re on the extreme end of tidy - perhaps it’s not fair what you’re expecting?

I don’t know. My DH and I have our fair share of domestic dispute in this area and it is psychologically wearing and can lead to resentment. But compromise is king, as they say.

GoWalkabout · 02/04/2021 15:26

I think he's basically pulling his weight so this is a case of differing standards. If he has to be more tidy he will feel on edge, while if its messier you will be on edge. Just talk about it and reach some compromises - what does he want you to do if mess is stressing you out? How will he tell you if he feels you are being unreasonable? What are your priorities? Would he do a ten minute tidy in the morning?

gannett · 02/04/2021 15:29

My DP's obsession with everything needing to be "away" was definitely something we butted heads over. Especially when it meant I had to spend half an hour looking for something I needed quickly, which was out precisely because I needed it quickly, and he'd shoved it into any cupboard because he didn't like looking at "mess".

CaraherEIL · 02/04/2021 15:30

I think if he is working full time plus extra work for emergencies, doing all the shopping and cooking and you have a cleaner once a week that seems pretty good to me. Do you work full time as well?

Original poster
UncleBunclesHouse · 02/04/2021 15:53

@CaraherEIL

I think if he is working full time plus extra work for emergencies, doing all the shopping and cooking and you have a cleaner once a week that seems pretty good to me. Do you work full time as well?
Yes I also work FT and long-ish hours
OP posts:
Original poster
UncleBunclesHouse · 02/04/2021 15:55

@gannett

My DP's obsession with everything needing to be "away" was definitely something we butted heads over. Especially when it meant I had to spend half an hour looking for something I needed quickly, which was out precisely because I needed it quickly, and he'd shoved it into any cupboard because he didn't like looking at "mess".
Yes this is me 🙋‍♀️
OP posts:
cheezy · 02/04/2021 16:04

Watching with interest. My DP is similarly messy and I’m hoping that it’s possible to change this Confused before committing of moving in.

MiddleParking · 02/04/2021 16:30

I’m clean but messy too and I think you’re out of order. I’d be telling you that if you want extra housework to be done, you do it.

CuthbertDibbleandGrubb · 02/04/2021 16:36

You decided that given the qualities he has, you would accept this negative side of his nature, when you got together. I think unless it has got markedly worse (seems not) then you have to cope with or accept it.

Original poster
UncleBunclesHouse · 02/04/2021 16:42

Thanks for the balanced perspectives everyone this is helpful

OP posts:
skeggycaggy · 02/04/2021 16:43

@gannett

My DP's obsession with everything needing to be "away" was definitely something we butted heads over. Especially when it meant I had to spend half an hour looking for something I needed quickly, which was out precisely because I needed it quickly, and he'd shoved it into any cupboard because he didn't like looking at "mess".
Omg are you married to my DH too??

I am the messy one & we have been in conflict over it for 14 years now... interestingly when I’ve posted about it on MN responses have very much been that if he cares so much he can tidy endlessly himself.

TinyPickle · 02/04/2021 16:48

Can I join?!

DH is wonderful in many ways and works really hard - he’s currently building new walls and planters in our garden for example. But he leaves shit EVERYWHERE. I’ve tried to explain that I cannot sit in an untidy home; putting kids’ toys away, doing a quick sweep and hoover and loading the dishwasher takes 20 minutes. But he doesn’t do it and then gets moany when I get up and do it instead of sitting and watching a film with him 🧐 he leaves cupboard doors open, uses every sodding pan in the house when he cooks dinner and will think nothing of half finishing a job.

We are currently in a stand off. Laundry is one of my jobs - but he also has a frustrating habit of throwing his clothes anywhere. So I have taken the nuclear option and am not.picking.them.up. His side of the bed currently looks like a teenage boy’s bedroom but I am refusing to pick up after him. So we’ll see what happens when he runs out of pants Grin

naomi81 · 02/04/2021 16:51

He has cooked every meal 😍 mines just the same tidiness wise but doesn't offer to do any cooking!

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 02/04/2021 16:59

My DP's obsession with everything needing to be "away" was definitely something we butted heads over. Especially when it meant I had to spend half an hour looking for something I needed quickly, which was out precisely because I needed it quickly, and he'd shoved it into any cupboard because he didn't like looking at "mess"

My Dh dies this. It drives me and DD mad. He leaves his shit everywhere.

We had a motorbike saddle on our kitchen floor for 3 weeks. A box of shit to return to Amazon in the front room for 4 weeks until l put it on his side of the bed.Confused

But my Farmer Gracy bulbs which l put down in the side for 5 minutes were immediately hidden away.Hmm

Tlollj · 02/04/2021 17:00

I’d divorce him and I’m not joking. I could not sleep at night if there were piles of dirty washing everywhere.
What does he think will happen to the shirt he just leaves on the floor?
Stay there forever? Or a laundry fairy will wash it iron it and hang it up?
Or stay there until he realises he has no clean clothes?
I couldn’t bear it.

CraftyYankee · 02/04/2021 17:07

At the risk of being flamed, might he have ADHD? I do and this sounds just like the dynamic between me and DH. He is tidy, I am not. I try in fits and spurts because it matters to him. But ultimately I don't care about the mess so when I follow Bright New Shiny Object the mess is the first thing to drop off my priority list. Often it's not until I'm late and "in trouble" for not doing something that I develop adrenaline to get it done.

Original poster
UncleBunclesHouse · 02/04/2021 17:08

Ok reading these responses, I’m going to start taking outsourced action to aim for a win win and bridge our differences. First off, I’m thinking one option could be any laundry on the floor or lying around will be put in a separate basket (by me!) and when it’s full I’ll send it away to be collected, washed and ironed and returned - and he will pay the bill.

OP posts:
Original poster
UncleBunclesHouse · 02/04/2021 17:08

@CraftyYankee

At the risk of being flamed, might he have ADHD? I do and this sounds just like the dynamic between me and DH. He is tidy, I am not. I try in fits and spurts because it matters to him. But ultimately I don't care about the mess so when I follow Bright New Shiny Object the mess is the first thing to drop off my priority list. Often it's not until I'm late and "in trouble" for not doing something that I develop adrenaline to get it done.
@CraftyYankee he is diagnosed dyslexic, not sure about anything else.
OP posts:
CraftyYankee · 02/04/2021 17:10

ADHD often has comorbidities, dyslexia could be one of them.

Original poster
UncleBunclesHouse · 02/04/2021 17:11

@CraftyYankee interesting, will have a look at that. For my own curiosity. I still think he could be tidier if he wanted to! But doesn’t!

OP posts:
CraftyYankee · 02/04/2021 17:13

From WebMD:

ADHD isn't a character flaw. It's a developmental disorder of the brain. Some of the symptoms of adults with ADHD are:

Trouble completing and organizing tasks
Frequently losing important belongings
Forgetfulness and distraction
Restlessness
Difficulty following details
Impatience

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 02/04/2021 17:14

‘He could be tidier if he wanted to’

But he doesn’t want to. I’m slightly more untidy than Dh. Not massively so. I tried to be tidy like him, but then it pissed me off. Why did we have to live to his rules?

So l stopped😊it was so stressful. Now l ignore him or point out his pines of crap if he starts.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 02/04/2021 17:15

And tbh if he ‘needs’ to tidy up then l let him get on with it.

Although since l stopped he seems to have become much more untidyHmm

CraftyYankee · 02/04/2021 17:15

[quote UncleBunclesHouse]@CraftyYankee interesting, will have a look at that. For my own curiosity. I still think he could be tidier if he wanted to! But doesn’t![/quote]
The problem with it is that tidying actually uses a lot of executive functioning and willpower, both of which are difficult with ADHD. He really sounds like a classic case from your description.

MiddleParking · 02/04/2021 17:18

Why would he have to pay the bill for a luxury service you’ve unilaterally chosen to use?