Me micromanaging or DH being f-ing useless?

[UncleBunclesHouse]

I am prepared for some flaming here but I’d like to hear honest views. We have always had very different standards of tidiness - I am more on the extreme tidy side and he is very messy. I knew this when we got together, his other wonderful qualities make up for it. However the constantly trapped at home situation of the past year, plus me having a rough pregnancy has really brought the issues around this to the fore.

It is a tidiness thing, not cleanliness and I never have to worry about that side. He does all the cooking, this past year has done all the shopping (not very well...but has taken responsibility for it), there are also a number of ‘his’ jobs which I have nothing to do with and he just cracks on. He is self employed and works long hours with often unexpected issues which he has to drop everything to attend to.

However - he leaves a trail of destruction in his wake, never puts anything away and if I ask him to do something ‘for me’ (it’s not for me, but not one of ‘his’ jobs). He is very forgetful- in all areas of life but worse with anything domestic. We have talked about ways to work together on this, he asks me to make a list, which he 99% of the time ignores. He says he will do X,Y,Z then just doesn’t. I can ask a dozen times and nothing happens. I feel like nagging and list making is just enabling him, micromanaging like a child and making him tune out, but I’m at a loss at to what else to do tbh. It’s like he has a mental filing system and if it isn’t deemed important to him it goes in the trash folder. I know this as when it is something really important, for example anything that would affect the health, safety or security of me or DC, he deals with it very quickly. But the general mess, that I can’t really tidy up at the moment due to said pregnancy issues, makes me unhappy and stressed in my own home. So he might not think it matters if his clothes are all over the floor, but when I have to look at it all day it does matter to me.

Do I just need to let this go?? I’m debating stopping asking anything at all, problem is I see it will be me who will suffer from it ultimately as I’ll be fuming inside at the mess! But I’d feel less stressed also I think, if I wasn’t feeling let down. No point in saying stop doing his washing, leave the mess or whatever, he wouldn’t care so that wouldn’t work.

@CaptSkippy

Even if your standards for tidiness differ, he has no excuse for acting like a messy, game-addicted teenager, who won't do their homework.

He has made you a mommy-surogate and household-manager of everything and is living off your efforts to keep the house livable.

Like I have said to another poster today: This won't change. Are you sure you want to keep living like this, with a man who is acting like deadweight.

Sis, if he wanted to do better, he would.

Again at risk of sounding like an ADHD apologist here, but it really isn't as simple as that. I always intend to do better the next time. I am always completely remorseful when I forget to do something/ leave a mess/ am late because I got distracted by Bright Shiny Object. I get that it makes me really hard to live with.

It feels pathetic to me that one of the things I am proudest of is that I have never forgotten to pick my children up from school (even though I often have to set multiple alarms to make it happen).

Executive functioning stuff is really hard for me. For a long time DH said "just get the shit done." It's infantalizing and frustrating when I fail yet again. I finally take medicine that helps somewhat.

So some of the question for OP is, how does he react in all this? Does he try for a bit and then backslide? Only you can know whether he's a good guy who is trying but lacks the tools, or if he is dismissive of menial work and leaves the shot work for you.

*shit work 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP I read your thread and thought 'that sounds like my DH'. He has ADHD. I think it's worth considering. You say he could be tidier if he wanted to be. That's one of the things about ADHD, when engaged in something, people with it can hyper focus and achieve masses. But in my experience, it's unpredictable what they might hyper focus on (and it often seems completely random to me: DH will ignore pressing chores to spend hours on some minor thing).

You married someone untidy when you're extremely tidy. You're expecting him to conform to your standards. There no compromise from you.

I'm really untidy. I would hate living with you tbh

This is me and Dh in reverse. Also considering looking into ADHD because organising stuff is something I struggle with so much. I never thought adhd until my friend with Adhd pointed me in that direction. I’m clean and usually early for things in fear of being late because my sense of tune is shit. I do the washing and clean the floors and surfaces etc but if things aren’t in their place dh gets so annoyed and with 3 kids tidying every 5 mins is futile I would rather do it once or twice. It’s miserable having him constantly say how I don’t understand him or how he can’t relax unless everything is in its place. He negates any effort I do make so I just feel defeated and annoyed.

Time not tune

@CraftyYankee

In your case there is a clear medical reason why you aren't more organised. Futhermore, you had it diagnosed and are doing the best you can under the circimtances. You are also not ignoring treatment and advice from experts.

This is not true for most men who slack off on household duties. Many of them know exactly what they are doing. They even share advise on redpill fora for getting out of chores and sticking their female partners with all the work.

I would argue that nothing in the previous paragraph applies to you.

I'm another one where it's the other way around. DH is a neat freak, I am untidy, I'm not lazy though, I have a full time job, I do all the cooking and meal planning. I do most of the mental load. I'm just not tidy.

I think the default in these situations is that the tidy person is right and the untidy is somehow wrong. I'm not sure that's true. As long as everything is clean it doesn't matter (to me) if it's put away...

Early on living together we had a big bust up about jumpers about the place. He was passive aggressively (admitted by him) waiting for me to do it, and thought that I was passively aggressively refusing to do it as I knew he'd cave.

Actually it turned out that I was blind to it. I didn't care that the jumper was on the floor and tbh didn't even notice it. I would have gone on blithely unaware until I next needed it, at which point it would have been where I left it. Meanwhile it was driving him utterly bananas.

We had a chat and I basically said: you have options here. You can put it away yourself (but you are not obliged to, I'm happy with it there), or you can ask me nicely to do it and tell me it's bugging you (but you have to be aware that we have differing standards and we need to meet in the middle, I'm not going to just conform to yours). Or you can silently seethe - but be aware you're only making yourself cross.

For ages he picked up after me, and he was quite happy with that solution. But actually it was driving me potty because I could never find anything and he could never remember where he'd put it.

We've got to a better compromise now. If he's putting something of mine away he says: Hey Once, I'm putting your laptop on the bookcase. And I say brill thanks (so I know where it is). But also he will leave areas and once a week say: the dining room table is out of control. And I say oops, sorry and spend an hour blasting it. Etc.

As a result the house is tidier than I'd have it, but also more untidy than he'd have it, and we're both ok with it. He's not constantly nagging me to tidy (and if he did I'd tell him to sod off) but then when he does ask me to do a specific area, I do it immediately and without question because I know we've approached his tipping point.

Basically we compromise. It took us a while and a few frank conversations to find the right compromise. But now we're both happy. He tidies more than me, because he wants more tidiness, but I do my fair share (and probably more) of other chores.

Thanks CaptSkippy- it's not the easiest thing to deal with, as the norm is to function as an adult, and when one isn't doing that people assume it's a conscious choice. Like the red pill jerks.

Again, it all comes back to intention, which OP will have to determine. And then whether her DH is interested in diagnosis and/or strategies to deal with it if it resonates.

As with many issues of neurodiversity, there is a fine line between explanation and excuse. "I have ADHD so I need this reminder / this list / this stimulant medication to help me"

Vs "I have ADHD so I can't be relied on to be an equal partner for the shit work"

OP did you talk to DH about any of this? Hope you've reached some kind of resolution.