If you don't have a special person in your life/lack of affection...

[Theatic]

I'm not sure what I'm asking exactly but I have reached a point where I receive a distinct lack of affection. My relationship is in a mess but for the time being, I intend to stay in it (various reasons I don't want to elaborate here). I have dcs (they are not yet adults) for which I am very grateful...I know they care in their own way and I am grateful for any hugs etc. but I think what I mean is having a special someone who goes out of their way to hold your hand, give you a cuddle etc? Do you learn to live without this or are there other things you do to take the edge off this? I grew up with little affection from my parents and I have no extended family. Just feeling alone right now. Keep busy, self care etc.? I know some people say they are happy to remain single and I understand this to a certain degree but can it truly work not having this 'someone special' in your life? I wonder if I'm co-dependent or whether I crave affection as I have lacked so much of it right from childhood.

Anyone?

Just to add, I am awaiting therapy when lockdown eases.

You learn to live without it.

I missed it for the first couple of years. Now I’m used to it and honestly, as I have a (normally) happy and fulfilled life, I really don’t miss it.

Learnt to live without it

Can you get a cat or a dog? Pets give you unconditional love and some are perceptive enough to give you affection when they see you sad.

Is it specifically physical affection you crave? I crave verbal affection, attention and interest. Knowing I’m in someone’s thoughts. Rightly or wrongly there are other ways to get that if you are not getting it at home.

I've been single by choice for 15 yrs and'll be quite forthcoming if I need a hug from a friend or am feeling the need for company. I like being able to choose who I ask and know which friends're good at what,saves disappointment by asking the wrong person :))

I know you said you don’t want to go into the reasons why etc but are you feeling like this because you are missing something from your relationship? Is it time to consider leaving and meeting someone who can give you that affection? What about reconnecting with old friends?

Is it specifically physical affection you crave? I crave verbal affection, attention and interest. Knowing I’m in someone’s thoughts. Rightly or wrongly there are other ways to get that if you are not getting it at home.

Yes this. I'm not sure it is physical affection solely. I think is verbal affection and attention too. Perhaps physical is the most obvious. I think feeling this way can make you prone to getting into negative relationships. Heading toward late forties now. The way things are going, I envisage I might be on my own at some point during my fifties. I struggle with the idea of being lonely etc. My whole life has revolved around home and dc. I see I might need to venture out of my comfort zone to develop other hobbies etc. I don't have a very big social circle and only one really good friend...everyone seems busy in their own lives, I think it is down to the fact that I haven't found the right friends. No extended family either.

Yes, I've thought about getting a dog.

Thank you for all the replies so far.

My Dcat gives me the affection I crave. I've been lying in bed feeling quite miserable for much of the day with period cramps and she's been ever so cuddly with me. Responds when I talk to her too.

And I have a vibrator for my sexual needs.

For various reasons I feel my overall well-being supersedes having hugs, hand holds and back rubs.

Missusbluesky I have considered it. Not the right time for lots of reasons. Reading the relationship boards makes for grim reading too and I feel doubtful I will find what I'm looking for. I'm going to plod on for a while and concentrate on developing my hobbies/bit more of a social circle. The old adage about loving yourself...I need to do a lot more of that. I am lonely in my relationship. I can't admit it to anyone in real life...I'm waiting for therapy (my husband thinks the therapist will help me to see that things aren't that bad). I am also afraid that this is hormone related (going through the perimenopause) but as time goes on, I'm not convinced, part of me thinks I can see things for what they really are and I need to talk it through with someone. Again my husband thinks it is down to this and absolutely nothing to do with him.

You sound so much like me - same age, kids, not close family, messed up marriage, lonely. You have an earlier get out date though!

I am really, really struggling with the loneliness. I just want someone to see me and know me and care for me. I want to be special to someone. Pre lockdown I filled my life with stuff as much as I could. That only offered a temporary plaster whilst I was doing said stuff though. Its hard to bear at times. If you wanted to pm me to talk to someone in a similar state, feel free.

So much this @bugontree I want someone to see me too. I am in a lonely marriage and really crave affection. Dh has never given it in a manly way, more a friend way, and now I don't want anything from him at all. I want to be seen, as a woman. It's soul destroying x

You have an earlier get out date though!

If I'm completely honest bug, it is years away (if ever, I'm not sure I have the courage as I have an intense fear of loneliness). I didn't want to declare this really...I don't want to be interrogated as to my reasons etc. and then guilt tripped because dc will pick up on stuff etc. I didn't want to rake over it all. Maybe I'm hoping all these issues will go away. I guess I was just wondering if there are things people do to make it more bearable. Sorry to hear you are in this situation too. x

I would advocate getting a dog. Mine gives me all the affection I need.

I’m sorry to hear about your loneliness OP, and also the other posters that are in the same position. 💐

I think there is something worse about loneliness when you are in a marriage/relationship, because the expectation is that you shouldn’t feel lonely and so somehow it’s worse.

I’ve been single since my divorce 5 years ago, have no kids and live alone so have pretty much been in solitary confinement for this past year! What helps me is knowing and accepting that sometimes I will feel lonely - it’s a natural part of the human condition I think, regardless of how many people we have around us - so I don’t give myself a hard time for feeling that way, I know it will pass. I also enjoy the benefits of the freedom my single life gives me. I don’t have tons of friends or family but I value those I do have, and make the most of time with them (including getting hugs post-lockdown - I can’t wait!). I really like the concept of gratitude, and focusing on the positives, rather than dwelling too much on the negatives in my life.

It’s also worth considering that if you were to leave your relationship in the future, you might find you are actually less lonely because that expectation of being together with someone and not being lonely is gone (if that makes sense?). You deserve to find your happiness and it would be too sad to stay in an unhappy relationship just because you fear being alone. Would you want your children to do that if they were in the same situation? We only get one life and it’s too short to waste! I read a great quote the other day: “everything you want is on the other side of fear.”

Definitely try to work on your hobbies, and doing things that make YOU feel good. Maybe look into volunteering or joining clubs to meet like-minded people. The previous suggestions about getting a cat or dog are good too!

x

I adore physical affection. I'm 48 and have a 10 yr old DD, but it's not quite the same. She'd rather fart in my face! I also lacked affection from my parents growing up. My Mum was jealous of me due to my Dad's adoration at first, so ploughed all her feelings into my sister and my Dad spent his time working away.

I've been single now for well over a year. I'd love to find a lovely man, but after 5 years of being single, it's just not worked out that way for me.

In the time that my ex and I split, both my parents have died, so I no longer have anyone, apart from my farty DD!

I did date quite a bit in 2019, but I was essentially looking for adoration due to losing my Dad. I decided in 2020 that I wasn't going to date, covid did me a favour with that! But what I did learn, was that I'm actually ok by myself. I probably drink too much wine at times! But I lived without a man and I think it made me realise that I don't actually need one...so I'm now happy to wait for the right one.

Cats are rubbish, apart from blaming all the weird creaky house noises on them! I have 3....single and over 40!

But I'd much rather be by myself than married to my exH, who despite being a nice man...and still is, gave my very little affection during our 12 year relationship. Leaving isn't easy, it's emotionally difficult. But I'm so glad I did ask for that divorce. I'm generally happier.

I felt like this in my long term relationship for the final 5 years. Eventually we ended things, but as we still live together its hard to move on. I still long for connection, attention and affection but not from him as its been a couple of years since we split. I'm open to meeting someone as I'm not happy single although happier than feeling unvalued or unloved while in a realtionship.

It sounds like you learnt a lot of damaging lessons from your parents about relationships when you were growing up and you have gone to recreate their marriage model in your own relationship. Your reasonable need for affection is not being met in your marriage.

Would you want your children to be in a relationship like this as adults?. What do you think they are learning about relationships here?. Is this the role model you want to teach your children?. You’re showing them that currently at least, this is acceptable to you.

One day your children will leave home, what then for you?. Is that when you’d be planning to leave?. You’ll perhaps feel even more unhappy by then which will make it feel even more impossible or too much f an obstacle to go.

You have a choice here re this man, they do not. They have to follow your lead. And if you stayed with him for lifestyle reasons or the kids to name but two reasons many women give for staying in marriage long past the date it should have needed, they could well accuse you of putting him before them. Being and feeling alone in a marriage is a bad place to be and one you should not be in. You don’t have to continue like this.

B1rdflyinghigh

Sorry for the loss of your parents.

Yes, we have a cat but the cat doesn't really crave affection, though happy to be stroked. And it's not the same with dcs. I find myself giving to them emotionally etc. and I think wouldn't it be lovely to have the same.

I think what makes it worse is that people see you as part of a couple and everything looks okay on the surface. And then, yes, there is that expectation that you shouldn't be lonely.

Things have unravelled over the past couple of years, I don't think I even wanted to admit it at first. It's made me question a lot of things about our relationship and that is my first port of call really - to chat it through with a therapist and to say these things out loud. Not having extended family is a big thing for me I think. I wouldn't want my children to feel like this but hopefully they will have siblings and me. I try to help foster a close relationship between the dcs because of what I have experienced.

Attila Your posts and I have read a few, always makes sense intellectually but aren't always easy to act upon. I have been married for many years, for many years it was okay, I don't think it was initially modelled on my own parents marriage (which was pretty awful) but I understand what you are saying. Whilst your posts do show a lot of intelligence and are probably well meaning, posters such as myself can end up feeling guilty for making often hard decisions or have a lot of emotional baggage yet to be worked through or indeed, don't feel able to share all via this forum. Please be mindful of this.

I have had my children late. I am not exaggerating when I say that I will likely be mid to late 60's when my last dc leaves home (they will be early 20's). I am thinking of moving into sheltered accommodation around this time.

I probably drink too much wine at times! But I lived without a man and I think it made me realise that I don't actually need one...so I'm now happy to wait for the right one.

I can relate to the first bit B1rd and what a great position to have arrived at (in relation to the second bit).

OP - I think you’re very normal. people who are happy being single normally have close family and friends. But this isn’t the case for the majority of people, with family far away and friends preoccupied with their own lives. You’ll always be a small part of some else’s life, not the majority of it in these cases.
I did teach myself to live with it - if I’d carried on I’d certainly have gotten used to it, but it took some work. Immerse myself in hobbies/jobs.
Certainly wasn’t natural though as I had to keep reminding myself how lucky i was etc etc and actively redirecting my thoughts. Was easier pre lockdown
Also I do have a partner now but didn’t for a long while.

OP - I think you’re very normal. people who are happy being single normally have close family and friends. But this isn’t the case for the majority of people, with family far away and friends preoccupied with their own lives. You’ll always be a small part of some else’s life, not the majority of it in these cases.

This. Notapanda, I think I've realised this.

I am not asking you to make a decision re your own self within this marriage now because that is unrealistic. I merely want you to further consider what effects seeing this model will have on your DC going forwards into adulthood. Your parents relationship was the primary relationship model you learnt from and from all accounts it was not a good one.

Re the present day what are you in turn teaching your DC about relationships here?. You feel guilty enough anyway (any guilt here however is really misplaced and you have been abjectly let down by all the adults who were supposed to love and cherish you) and in any case it is absolutely not my intention to cause you any pain whatsoever.

I just want you to think a lot more about what you are writing and to your credit you will be doing this with a therapist. I am just trying to explain that staying within a marriage like you describe will affect your DC too.

Would you really want to move into sheltered accommodation when you are in your mid to late 60s?. Why have you at all considered doing that, would that really be a wise move?. You may get company but the majority of residents may well be a lot older and frailer generally than you, a comparative youngster compared to them.