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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If you don't have a special person in your life/lack of affection...

68 replies

Theatic · 01/04/2021 18:30

I'm not sure what I'm asking exactly but I have reached a point where I receive a distinct lack of affection. My relationship is in a mess but for the time being, I intend to stay in it (various reasons I don't want to elaborate here). I have dcs (they are not yet adults) for which I am very grateful...I know they care in their own way and I am grateful for any hugs etc. but I think what I mean is having a special someone who goes out of their way to hold your hand, give you a cuddle etc? Do you learn to live without this or are there other things you do to take the edge off this? I grew up with little affection from my parents and I have no extended family. Just feeling alone right now. Keep busy, self care etc.? I know some people say they are happy to remain single and I understand this to a certain degree but can it truly work not having this 'someone special' in your life? I wonder if I'm co-dependent or whether I crave affection as I have lacked so much of it right from childhood.

Anyone?

OP posts:

Liveyourbestlife123 · 02/04/2021 16:46

I can relate to this post, I feel undervalued, unloved and lonely. The work of the family and house is predominantly down to me even though we both work....

My husband is a lovely man and we will (hopefully) remain friends. I just can’t stay married, it’s so difficult but I need that connection/ attention. Someone to take care of me too, as other have said OP you need to do what’s right for you l, whatever that is. You only have one life

Salarymallory · 02/04/2021 16:50

If your relationship is a mess

Are you even getting what you think you’d miss if you were single?!

WindyPudding · 02/04/2021 16:58

I'm single and I'm always wavering about this. I do have kids at home and the younger one is still quite huggy but I wonder if I'll find it harder when the kids leave home. I like being single and yet I do miss what you call a "special someone" to be nice and affectionate with and do nice things for each other. But my LTR with my kids' dad was difficult and I was often lonely then too - increasingly so as it got worse - so I didn't really have it then either. I don't know if it's worth the hassle of looking for a relationship and weeding out the awful men - OLD sounds horrendous so I'm kind of resolved to just let that go - which on balance probably means staying single.

I do agree pets make an absolutely huge difference. I have cats and they are so affectionate and loving. Going to sleep alone in bed, or being alone in the house, is much less lonely with a pet around.

Liveyourbestlife123 · 02/04/2021 17:17

It’s really helpful to read comments of people that now are single parents and made the move, its such a huge decision and to have that honesty l. Thank you all

sugarlost · 02/04/2021 19:44

A cat would make me more happier but I'm not in a situation to have one.

Busy social life before pandemic helped me deal with not having a special person in my life and the occasional brief encounter but that leaves me feeling empty.

When I come home from having a nice day out with friends/family I sometimes feel worse when I'm alone again if that makes sense.

I'm lucky I don't mind my own company and prefer it to being with an unsuitable partner and sadly I've have a few of those... you live and learn

crimsonlake · 04/04/2021 13:00

To be honest I think you are far too young to consider sheltered accommodation. I spend part of the week working in one and depending on the type you wont find any social stimulation there. Where I am all have either early stage dementia or learning difficulties. Plus the rental rates are very high.
Do your research first as those with supported living are a step away from care homes. Better to look at retirement villages where you have your own separate home within the grounds and are truly independent.

Original poster

Theatic · 04/04/2021 14:31

Better to look at retirement villages where you have your own separate home within the grounds and are truly independent.

This is absolutely it. I like the idea of this - this is what I was referring to crimson.

OP posts:

DarkDarkNight · 04/04/2021 14:49

I’ve been single for over 7 years. I don’t have friends either. My son is very cuddly and affectionate and I don’t know what I would do without those hugs.

Sometimes I think this is it for life, and the thought is unbearable. I hate the advice to long term singletons about learning to be happy on your own. For the most part I am fine, but that advice from someone who has somebody can feel a bit cruel.

CaesarsDream · 04/04/2021 17:58

I hate the advice to long term singletons about learning to be happy on your own. For the most part I am fine, but that advice from someone who has somebody can feel a bit cruel.

This! Especially when it's trotted out on here and from people IRL who hardly know you. I'm perfectly happy on my own, 3 years now, does that mean that I shouldn't still want a BF at some stage?!

Milomonster · 04/04/2021 20:43

Sometimes I think this is it for life, and the thought is unbearable.

This. I was in a very lonely marriage for a long following the death of my child. I’ve been divorced 3 years now. I did OLD in the first year but I haven’t met anyone and have given up on OLD. I can’t imagine meeting anyone tbh as I have spent so much time alone. Going out is quite painful when I see families, couples and groups of people together. I guess the ending of lockdown has heightened the sadness of being alone. I have a wonderful DS but I miss the affection of a man. I don’t see what’s ahead for me anymore. Sorry for the depressing post!

Original poster

Theatic · 04/04/2021 21:18

So sorry for your loss Milo, the death of a child is about the hardest thing anyone can face.

OP posts:

Beecham · 04/04/2021 21:27

@milomonster I'm so sorry, I hope things improve for you

CatRach · 04/04/2021 22:50

I also crave this. Similar situation. I miss things like cuddles at nighttime or while watching a film. Holding hands while out. My kids sound younger than yours so I get a lot of cuddles from them but it’s the partner affection I want. Totally empathise with your sentiment of ‘lonely in my relationship’

I Second getting pets. My cats and dog are my lifeline and always offer unconditional love and hugs! It’s not the same but it does help. X

Ritascornershop · 05/04/2021 16:45

When my kids were little and I was first divorced people would say “oh, but you’ve got the kids!” True, I did have the kids, but it’s not the same kind and furthermore, lovely as it is, the love of little kids does not have the element of caretaking that a partner brings. Just once in a blue moon I’d like someone to bring me a cup of tea when I’m sick, ask how my dentist appt was, put the laundry in, etc.

For me it was 15 years of non-stop taking care of others and now they’re grown up and I’m on my own there’s no one to share my life with. Some people are fine with it, but I find it grim.

Why123456 · 06/04/2021 07:25

Ritascornershop I live with my husband, he wouldn’t ever remember an appointment or offer to support me or his own kids for that matter, not out of laziness he just wouldn’t remember. He very rarely makes me a cup of tea or helps with the housework. I do come back to him and the kids in a fowl mood because they have all been getting at each other all day when I have been out at work

it can be just as lonely, I believe even more so when the support is somewhat expected and just isn’t received.

Sakurami · 06/04/2021 07:40

I think it is lonelier and more stressful being in an unhappy relationship than it is being single.

ravenmum · 06/04/2021 09:33

@Why123456

it can be just as lonely, I believe even more so when the support is somewhat expected and just isn’t received.

Definitely. I realised since we separated why my exh used to act like I nagged him. It was because I asked him to do things. I'd ask him to make me a cup of tea if he was going in the kitchen. I'd ask him if he could massage my shoulders. He acted as if I was treating him like a slave.

Since then I've had a couple of boyfriends and have been reminded that normal people don't need to be asked. They offer you a cup of tea. I'm no longer a "nag" as I don't need to ask anyone to do anything. I feel better about myself (not being a nag!) and am pathetically grateful and delighted by the little gestures. And if no boyfriend is there I just make myself a cup of tea, and am still not mildly disappointed, or a nag.

Ritascornershop · 13/04/2021 06:45

Well, yes, I had my own awful exh who did not do things for me. That was a different kind of pain. I still hate being single, and some partners being awful, even my own scarring experience of it, doesn’t make being single tolerable for me.

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