If you don't have a special person in your life/lack of affection...

[Theatic]

I'm not sure what I'm asking exactly but I have reached a point where I receive a distinct lack of affection. My relationship is in a mess but for the time being, I intend to stay in it (various reasons I don't want to elaborate here). I have dcs (they are not yet adults) for which I am very grateful...I know they care in their own way and I am grateful for any hugs etc. but I think what I mean is having a special someone who goes out of their way to hold your hand, give you a cuddle etc? Do you learn to live without this or are there other things you do to take the edge off this? I grew up with little affection from my parents and I have no extended family. Just feeling alone right now. Keep busy, self care etc.? I know some people say they are happy to remain single and I understand this to a certain degree but can it truly work not having this 'someone special' in your life? I wonder if I'm co-dependent or whether I crave affection as I have lacked so much of it right from childhood.

Anyone?

Definitely try to work on your hobbies, and doing things that make YOU feel good. Maybe look into volunteering or joining clubs to meet like-minded people. The previous suggestions about getting a cat or dog are good too!

Treetops...this feels the most comfortable starting point. I wonder if it will make me feel a little less sad about things. You sound like an emotionally strong (and kind) person.

I think getting out of the home doing some form of activity or doing something outside your comfort zone will help somewhat but it won't completely fill the hole in your life within your marriage.

Would you really want to move into sheltered accommodation when you are in your mid to late 60s?. Why have you at all considered doing that, would that really be a wise move?. You may get company but the majority of residents may well be a lot older and frailer generally than you, a comparative youngster compared to them.

I have an awful fear of being alone. I'm guessing it is due to feeling abandoned as a child and not having my needs met. My grandmother used to cry (after she was widowed), telling me how lonely she was and I want to try and alleviate that for myself. All of this is probably what is resurfacing again now, adding to my anxiety - something I have always experienced. I have lived alone but for a brief time (couple of years). I was in my 20's then and probably more hopeful and looking forward. I've been trying to work on some inner child work lately and treating myself kindly - this has come as a revelation and I can't believe how badly I have been treating myself through harsh self talk etc. Who knows, in the end, I might surprise myself.

I think you will surprise yourself ultimately and I hope you do find a therapist you can work with. Have a look at the BACP website for such people. You need to find someone who fits in with your approach.

Thanks @Theatic. Don’t get me wrong, I have my moments too! But the thing is, being on my own has made me stronger than I was before, because I’m entirely responsible for my own happiness. I don’t have anyone else to make me happy or stop me from feeling lonely, so it’s up to me to create the best possible life that brings me contentment. And of course, a benefit of being single is that I don’t have anyone in my house making me feel unhappy or lonely either!

You sound lovely, and I bet you are stronger than you think you are. It’s time to focus on yourself a bit and carve out your own happiness! x

You need to find someone who fits in with your approach.

Can you elaborate please as I'm currently searching for one - I think I've found one but would be interested to know more?

If you're trying to connect with, and love ,yourself including your inner child, I can really recommend Re-Vision counsellors. I left a lonely partnership after the child rearing was done, and feel so much happier with myself, my ex, everything. Yes I can feel lonely but I've made new good friends, I'm far far more open to others and to making friendships and being myself. I've learned new skills and had fun with others. I think I'm a rounder happier more content woman in my 50s. Good luck.

so it’s up to me to create the best possible life that brings me contentment.

This resonates with me. Also the bit where you say that whilst you don't have someone to make you happy, you don't have someone to make you unhappy. Perhaps because I was very much told what to do and not encouraged to express my own opinions (father physically abusive at times and very authoritarian, things were never good enough, in spite of achieving academically), I have struggled with this and looked to others to provide it (I don't know, just guessing). Mother distant and depressed, no memories of doing anything with her like I do with my own dc (I think that's why Attila mentioning effect on dc hit a nerve).

@Theatic it sounds like you’ve had a lot to cope with, and I really hope the counselling helps you work through this. It sounds like you already have a degree of awareness about what drives your thoughts and behaviours as an adult - that’s a good starting point!

We all have to face ourselves at some point, to really understand who we are and what we’re about. Some people have to do that early in life, others a bit later. You’re on that road now, and that’s the main thing.

You’ve got this 💪🏼 x

I’ve been alone for ten years this year. Usually I am ok, after the initial splitting up stage I got used to it. The key for me was having a couple of close friends, my children and my family close by. However lockdown unsettled me. This last year I have really missed having a partner, someone by my side through all this and so I have taken some small steps to meet people through OLD.
I’m not entirely sure I want to change my status quo and have someone in my life in that way so dithering about meeting someone who has been talking to me online.

I think feeling lonely in a relationship is worse than lonely on your own- it’s horrible to know that your partner is aware that you are unhappy, but isn’t bothered to do anything to help.
I’ve got used to doing without, but happy to dabble in OLD, or be open to the possibility of meeting someone. However I don’t to lose my freedom or independence, and will take any relationship very slowly indeed.
I think it is possible to have your needs met, but not necessarily all by the same person. I would advise against sheltered housing unless you have a specific need, as that could make your world smaller, whereas getting out there and meeting varied groups of people would do the opposite.

Re the modelling bad relationships. I think my poor relationship decisions were more based on my relationship with my father than my parents' relationship. I think if you can model how to have a good relationship through how you are with your children then that is a a very positive thing for them.

I have been single for 10 years now and understand the feeling of being lonely in a marriage whether it be physically or emotionally.
I do not want to live with anyone again, simply cannot imagine it now as I like my own space too much. That said I go through moments of wanting to be 'special' to someone.
I wouls love a good hug right now, occasionally I get one from people and it feels so good.
I have had a couple of relationships, both very different men. One was not tactile at all which did not suit me and the other was overly tactile which used to make me feel smothered. So I cant win.
I have cats who really like to snuggle, which is the closest I get to affection, one really enjoys a hug, but it is still not the same thing.

It struck me this morning, as I was thinking about my fear of being alone - I was emotionally abandoned as a child and might have equated this with being 'bad' in some way. I was also physically punished (too harshly) for things that weren't that bad but still I got the message I was bad. At the same time I was painfully shy and later developed social anxiety and much preferred hanging out in the safe space of my grandparents when they were alive (although my grandmother was very judgemental).

Then at secondary school I was ostracized and never had any proper friends. I got the message I was alone because there was something 'wrong' with me. I think I equate being alone as not being wanted because there is something wrong with me or I am bad.

Therefore I don't want to be alone because that means I am bad and consequently abandoned. At the same time, I have learnt to mistrust people because they abandon you or worse verbally or physically hurt you. Therefore, perhaps coming to the conclusion that it is better to be alone. It seems to me I am trapped in an awful place. I am working on being more authentic and trusting but it is difficult and often I can feel exhausted being with people. However, what is coming through is my interests/hobbies which might lead me to meet more people with things in common. I like being amongst quirky creative people who are open minded and at the moment I know very few bar my best friend.

Sounds like your therapy is sorely needed. You also sound depressed. Medication can really help get out of this mindset that the most you can look forward to is sheltered housing in your mid-60s. Inform yourself about the many non-addictive, non-numbing options available if you haven't done so yet. I found it extremely helpful in learning to recognise what was depressive thought patterns and what was just being pragmatic.

And yes, more friends when it's possible. Find some creatives - I joined a theatre group when I divorced and it felt really meaningful; intellectually and emotionally stimulating. Start a photography/life drawing/painting course. Join or start a book club. Make friends with refugees and teach them English. You should be doing something like this anyway, regardless of whether you are married. Do something fun, for your own enjoyment, to make you laugh and feel proud.
When the kids are teens you'll be able to leave them to cook their own dinner while you go out to tap dancing lessons or whatever else you fancy.

If you're at all likely to be alone/dating/madly busy with hobbies again in the next 15 years I'd say stick with the cat and forget dogs just yet. They can't be left to their own devices anywhere near as long as cats and (however lovely they are) can be a bit of a liability if you are trying to get out more.

My grandmother used to cry (after she was widowed), telling me how lonely she was and I want to try and alleviate that for myself.
Don't you think that she meant she missed your grandad? Not quite the same as an ongoing feeling of being unloved.

ravensmum Thank you for your post. It did strike me that I might be feeling depressed but I didn't want to supress thoughts and feelings and become numb before therapy so I am in two minds about this. I have been on and off medication for years so not adverse to taking it. Also, it could well be the perimenopause at play that could be contributing to low mood...I can't take HRT unfortunately. If you have any advice about anti-depressants, I would be happy to hear about it although I realise they affect individuals differently.

My grandmother used to cry (after she was widowed), telling me how lonely she was and I want to try and alleviate that for myself.
Don't you think that she meant she missed your grandad? Not quite the same as an ongoing feeling of being unloved.

Not sure she missed him as horrible as that sounds...I think she missed someone being there and caring for someone. There was zero affection. I think my grandmother missed being needed and another individual who most probably didn't receive much love throughout her life. Usually she would not talk about her emotions even when I reached adulthood, I just remember this one time.

I hear what you're saying about a dog and the commitment required. I'm not going to make any decisions about this yet as I want to see what falls into my life work and hobby wise.

the most you can look forward to is sheltered housing in your mid-60s.

I actually think it is prudent to think ahead. I am thinking more along the lines of a retirement village with help at hand if needed. I don't want to be stuck in a big house rambling around. I have other thoughts too like buying myself a top of the range camper van and driving to the coast (with my dog). If I am having thoughts like this and planning ahead such as starting my own little business and thinking about joining things...I wonder how depressed I am? Yes, I am low granted and yes, I find life a bit of a struggle right now but I am planning to try things which doesn't entirely smack of depression.

I am very glad I’m not married to my exhusband anymore, but I’m also desperately lonely. I’ve got friends, one kid still at home, but no-one to whom I’m the primary person, no-one to cuddle, to lean on, to have sex with. It’s been 15 years and ... it’s awful. I’d do it again rather than be married to him though.

Ritascornershop So sorry to hear this.

ADs do affect people differently, but personally I felt less able to connect with my emotions when depressed - it was all just grey - so I can't say I experienced any numbing effect at all when on ADs (SSRI); I felt more able to see how depressed I'd been and that was about it :)

If you are making plans that does sound good. But I do agree with the pps who said that you'd be joining a group of mostly older people in a retirement village. My aunt was looking at one at age 85 and decided to leave it a bit :) I live in Germany and there are some older people who live in house shares to save money and have company. If you did something like that (assuming there could be demand in the UK too) you'd have a little more control over the age range.

I'm not sure why more women don't do it, but to share a house with another single woman around your own age.

It's something I will consider later on.

Thanks Theatic. For me it’s really hard: my sister and my best friend are fine with their single status and glad to be free of their ex’s. I’m glad not to have to put up with him but would be so glad to meet someone kind and loving to share life with. I think it’s very dependent on personality type.

I would like a small house within a retirement village - something you can shut the door on and have your own key. I don't think I'd fancy sharing a house oddly enough.

I hadn't realised much older people moved into these. I thought from late sixties it might be prudent to start looking. I always imagined that some people might be still active with hobbies/volunteering etc. but like the idea of support if anything goes wrong/low maintenance and company available if wanted.

I am lonely in my relationship

There is nothing quite so crushingly soul destroying as being in a relationship with someone who is indifferent to you.

Your life can still revolve around the home if you're single, if you want it to. You make a home for yourself, a cozy, comforting place. You can fill it with enjoyable hobbies, have friends round for a cuppa, get pets. If you want friends get out there and do stuff you enjoy, happy people are attractive to others. Join group things, be friendly and chat to people. Even if all you do is make transient friends you'll be having so much fun and feel less lonely.

It is quite nice to have your own place to yourself after sharing for so long! I've gone for a small flat plus seeking outside company.