Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just broke up because he turned the hob down

81 replies

wusbanker · 30/03/2021 20:46

Ex and I have been together for a year and a half, the past 3 months very on/off. I was at his house tonight cooking us a lasagne and had just turned on the hob to heat the oil and began chopping garlic, he walked in and turned the heat down.

Something inside me just snapped. I had been dithering for months about whether it was worth working through but I cannot be with someone like this. Tonight I was firm, I meant it, I have had enough.

I never drove us anywhere because he would be giving me instructions even though I have asked him so many times to just be quiet and let me drive and we'd end up fighting. He couldn't be in the kitchen when I was cooking because he would either start messing with things or tell me I was doing something wrong. It drove me up the wall.

As I was walking out he was asking "you can't be serious - are you seeing someone else?" but no, it is literally just this, I can't live my life this way. I just needed to write this down somewhere.

OP posts:
catsareme14 · 02/04/2021 10:11

The final straw for me was when I asked ex h for the phone number of the man who usually did the service on the gas boiler . He said he would give it to me when he felt like it . After all the abuse I'd put up with it it still amazes me that that was the thing that precipitated the end of my marriage .

Anordinarymum · 02/04/2021 10:16

@wusbanker

Ex and I have been together for a year and a half, the past 3 months very on/off. I was at his house tonight cooking us a lasagne and had just turned on the hob to heat the oil and began chopping garlic, he walked in and turned the heat down.

Something inside me just snapped. I had been dithering for months about whether it was worth working through but I cannot be with someone like this. Tonight I was firm, I meant it, I have had enough.

I never drove us anywhere because he would be giving me instructions even though I have asked him so many times to just be quiet and let me drive and we'd end up fighting. He couldn't be in the kitchen when I was cooking because he would either start messing with things or tell me I was doing something wrong. It drove me up the wall.

As I was walking out he was asking "you can't be serious - are you seeing someone else?" but no, it is literally just this, I can't live my life this way. I just needed to write this down somewhere.

Hi OP I have just read the entire thread and feel the need to say something. I know someone (close to me) just like this, and he is by his own admission a control freak. He knows he is like this. We all know it and we tease him because otherwise we would probably throw something hard at his head every time he comes into the kitchen and interferes. I read another poster's remarks hinting he may have ASD and find this most interesting. I am going to look into this. All I would say to you is that the person I know is well meaning and kind and much loved. If this were to happen to them I would hope the other person explains exactly why the relationship is over. Some people just can't help being who they are can they !

Take care.

B0wl0fCrabS0up · 02/04/2021 10:23

Everyone has their own limits

The Op has not done anything wrong by walking away

If they had been together for many years, she may have needed to explain why

RonSwansonsChair · 02/04/2021 10:27

@Catsaremybesties, that's very worrying. I really hope you are OK.

Bananalanacake · 02/04/2021 10:59

Catsaremybesties. That's very worrying, when you say he's a loner you met online I am thinking you don't live together, go home and eat as much as you want.

Ffsffsffsffsffs · 02/04/2021 11:23

My exh would tell you I broke up our family because of an argument about who should be allowed to park on the drive.

We'd already separated by this point, but I'd been trying to fix things, or at least do everything as amicably as possible despite (what was becoming increasingly obvious) years of undermining and abusive behaviours. "Move your car" was my final straw.

YANBU op.

honeylulu · 02/04/2021 11:26

The thing is, these "know it all" types STILL won't realise/accept that it was their behaviour that was the issue. It will always be (and they will tell all and sundry) that it was due to your character flaws (unreasonable, stroppy, probably shagging another bloke).

I've had an ex like that - didn't drive, didn't work, didn't cook but still thought he knew better - and it was infuriating when he pontificate to our mutual friends about how my dumping him was just "an attention seeking stunt" and I was "always like that". But I soon forgot about that as I was so relieved to be out of it. For a long time he thought I would come to my senses and come back to him. Erm, I didn't.

GravityFalls · 02/04/2021 11:32

My DP is not a controlling person but does like to be in charge and would love to meddle with stuff in the kitchen. The difference is that as he is not controlling, after the first couple of times of me being very stern about it, he stopped, because he knows it pisses me off. I can see him battling not to stir or touch stuff when I’m cooking but he doesn’t do it because he respects my boundaries! So yes, it’s in some people’s nature to faff with stuff, but it’s also possible for them to keep this in check if they care about their partner.

OysterMonkey · 02/04/2021 11:33

@Catsaremybesties

I always eat my dinner slowly. He comes in and says finish your dinner and wash the plates as the water in sinks it’s getting cold. I have to stop eating my dinner- Chuck the rest and put the plate into sink where I have to immediately wash it otherwise it will get cold and I’m not allowed to use new hot water. He is crazy. Loner I met online.
@Catsaremybesties no you don’t have to stop eating your dinner. You can carry on eating your dinner and say the plates are soaking in the washing up bowl and A) I’ll do them later, or B) you do then now

Or, you don’t have to stay in an unhappy marriage. You can leave.

sherrystrull · 02/04/2021 11:35

Good for you op!! Onwards and upwards!

@Catsaremybesties, your post spoke to me. He sounds incredibly controlling. How dare he make you lose half of your dinner. You are worth more.

Spidey66 · 02/04/2021 11:52

Sounds like the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.

I had a few short term relationships before meeting my husband (6-9months) and often ended them for similar, daft reasons but me it was the final straw. One that stuck out was a guy I was seeing who went hysterical when we were on a bus because there was a bee. He was screaming and shouting and waving his arms around. I was mortified and dumped him.

Chaotica · 02/04/2021 12:02

@NearlyTheHolidays2 Great idea. I'm always on the look-out for ways to improve living with people with ASD. Too late for XP though (and he wasn't diagnosed until after we split).

LannieDuck · 02/04/2021 12:55

@Clymene

What does spoony fucker mean?

Glad you've dumped him.

'Spoony fucker' was from a thread where the OP's husband couldn't resist stirring whatever was being cooked. Even when it ruined the dish because it shouldn't be stirred. The thread is in classics somewhere.
RandomMess · 02/04/2021 13:12

Take him off your car insurance.

YoniAndGuy · 02/04/2021 13:20

All good. Correct decision.

If he’s still finding it difficult to understand why you would dump him over turning down a hob, just tell him to look up the phrase ‘last straw’.

You really don’t need to say anything else.

diwrnachoflleyn · 02/04/2021 13:23

He's a gaslighting cunt, literally. DELETE him out of your life and keep it that way. He fundamentally believes he's better than you. FUCK THAT.

'No, not seeing anyone else. Because I'd rather be alone forever than be with a gaslighting, sanctimonious, condescending prick like you for another minute. Good riddance'.

Please don't go back to him.

AvaCallanach · 02/04/2021 13:28

My DH had a go at telling me how to hang the washing out once. I pointed out that every item I had ever hung out had, in fact, dried and there is more than one way to skin a cat.

He laughs at himself now about it. I ensure I prick every bubble of pomposity that arises. They still do, every now and again; the difference is, he doesn't get arsey about it and realizes when pointed out that it's him being a nob.

diwrnachoflleyn · 02/04/2021 13:29

@NearlyTheHolidays2

My DH is like this. We finally realised a year ago that he has ASD and genuinely doesn't recognise boundaries or personal space. He gives unsolicited advice (frequently) and needs me to be very clear and direct with him as he doesn't pick up on hints. We've been married for 20 years and wish we'd understood autism years ago as it could have saved a lot of unnecessary stress. I'd recommend reading up on the subject to see if it could be applicable in your DP's case (and possibly yours too as like often attracts like).

Something that helped us was a kitchen phrases list I made (and stuck on a cupboard so he couldn't miss it) - it didn't just apply to cooking but to all his interfering and taking over. He just wanted to be helpful, and appreciated being shown how he could help without me getting cross and walking out on him.

Good luck OP.

My son has ASD. The fuck I let him away with behaviour like this.

Not the OP's job to fix out her boyfriend. It's his, he's an adult.

He's a boyfriend, not a husband. Why should she live like that? He's not at all bothered about how he is. Nor should she be.

Zig27 · 02/04/2021 13:29

I know someone who behaves like this. They just try to control others through insecurity and lack of control in their own life. This guy has tried to blame his behaviour on you by making cheating accusations. You did the right thing to end it with him.

Topseyt · 02/04/2021 13:36

@Catsaremybesties

I always eat my dinner slowly. He comes in and says finish your dinner and wash the plates as the water in sinks it’s getting cold. I have to stop eating my dinner- Chuck the rest and put the plate into sink where I have to immediately wash it otherwise it will get cold and I’m not allowed to use new hot water. He is crazy. Loner I met online.
You absolutely don't have to put up with that.

What would happen if you simply told him that the job would be done when you had finished your dinner and not before? That would be my initial response to that shit. If he kept it up then he could well find himself becoming an ex.

babbi · 02/04/2021 13:36

Agreeing wholeheartedly with so many examples in here unfortunately.
My ex also confidently advised me I was buying the wrong type of bras ( don’t ask - I didn’t pursue it ) , my choice of sanitary protection wasn’t the best ( no clue why - I sorry )
And many other things examples.
He’s not a bad man but so bossy ... I strongly suspect ASD traits too ..

Tyredofallthis1 · 02/04/2021 13:51

Spoonyfucker thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1615049-Sigh-I-have-to-stick-a-wooden-spoon-up-dhs-arse-dont-I

I have it saved as it cheers me up. It's a different situation, though.

fib11235 · 02/04/2021 13:57

My other half has done this, he will also come in and rearrange the dishwasher after I’ve stacked it while I’m cooking. This annoyed me so much I retaliated and did not put anything in the dishwasher for 3 months. He’s learnt his lesson and now if I’m doing the clearing up, he leaves it alone. If he is doing it, I do the same - mutual respect.

waterSpider · 02/04/2021 14:07

This is relevant, may be helpful:

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

diwrnachoflleyn · 02/04/2021 14:09

@fib11235

My other half has done this, he will also come in and rearrange the dishwasher after I’ve stacked it while I’m cooking. This annoyed me so much I retaliated and did not put anything in the dishwasher for 3 months. He’s learnt his lesson and now if I’m doing the clearing up, he leaves it alone. If he is doing it, I do the same - mutual respect.
I had a boyfriend who did this after I washed up. I dumped him pronto.