Who enjoys marriage?

Flappityflippers1 · 30/03/2021 12:22

Umm well I find your question is veiling some pretty big issues when you’ve put:

any tips on how to make every day easier

And “options” of:

Pick your battles - this is a big one. Adjust to OH way of doing things - trying. Be more loving - I can be quite detached.*

Why are your days with DH not easy? What is causing them to be hard? I ask this as your “options” saying pick your battles, change your behaviour to suit DH and to be more loving is popping up a red flag for me here that there is way more to this than you’ve put.

What is going on OP?

And FWIW - I enjoy being with my DH, I love spending time with him, we have mutual respect and love and make a great team. Our piece of paper for marriage doesn’t make any difference to that

Shelddd · 30/03/2021 12:25

Yes being married has been great but no kids yet so not sure it counts. I think it's easy to make a marriage stress free and happy like 24/7 without children. Will see how that changes.

whattocallmyselfeh · 30/03/2021 12:25

I def don't enjoy marriage (married 18 years).

I loathe telling H where I am going & with whom - it makes me feel like I am 14 again and answering to my parents.
I want to have my house decorated how I want without having to compromise.
I no longer want to be tied to just 1 person for the rest of my life.

I feel so stuck and trapped.

Eeyorehoney · 30/03/2021 12:29

I love my marriage, I think try not to take things seriously and just have a laugh.
Communication is KEY. This is for everything- from expensive purchases to whether you’re in a bad mood/ work stress etc, voice this (your spouse is not a mind reader).
Have your independent time, hobbies, friends whatever but make sure you do fun stuff with your partner too- be it having a few drinks in the garden, day/weekend trip, even if it’s a trip to B&Q try to make it enjoyable. See them as a best friend.

Nellie850 · 30/03/2021 12:33

I’m honestly with you on this OP and it’s difficult to explain to other people who can’t comprehend it. I too find marriage and relationships are generally harder than being single. I guess people would wonder why get married then. For me I think the rewards of a great marriage are worth it but it doesn’t mean you have to find it easy. Most people would accept having kids is hard but worth the reward, same can go for a partnership I think.

Do you know your love language OP? Mine is acts of service but my DH’s would be words of affirmation or maybe physical touch to a degree as well. Knowing this has helped us know what the other needs day to day.

Original poster

FruitLoopzz · 30/03/2021 12:42

@Nellie850 - I honestly resonate with you so much. What you said about children is so true, nobody can say parenting is easy but it’s so rewarding and the same with marriage.

I’ve always been one to thrive in my independence, being married is not easy for me but that’s not to say I hate it. I’m just trying to be better at it.

I can easily walk by my OH without much eye contact or cuddles and appear detached and even cold. It’s not something I’m proud of and I recognise the flaw and want to change it.

My love language is also acts of service I think, my OH likes physical attention like cuddles, watching a movie together, hugging, holding hands etc.

In my head I’m thinking I’m a great wife because I clean the house, keep everyone fed and clean, work and look after the kids. I’ve realised I do neglect my husband and don’t really give him much of my time x

OP posts:

JorisBonson · 30/03/2021 12:44

I love DH and love being married to him.

We respect each other, are always honest, and make each other laugh every day. He goes out of his way to make everything a bit brighter.

Original poster

FruitLoopzz · 30/03/2021 12:45

@whattocallmyselfeh - aw that makes me sad. 18 years together, what’s kept you together so long?

I hope I can achieve a long happy marriage but I realise in order to do that I have to make changes x

OP posts:

Original poster

FruitLoopzz · 30/03/2021 12:46

@Shelddd - we have kids and I will admit it adds strain to the relationship. It’s no longer just about “us” - there’s so much added pressure and responsibility with children. We love them to death but it’s hard x

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ivfbeenbusy · 30/03/2021 12:50

Yes I find marriage hard but I think that's more to do with who I'm married to than anything else

Original poster

FruitLoopzz · 30/03/2021 12:54

@ivfbeenbusy - I find no matter who I would be married to it would have been hard because I’m not a very affectionate person 😬

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MiddleParking · 30/03/2021 12:56

In my head I’m thinking I’m a great wife because I clean the house, keep everyone fed and clean, work and look after the kids. I’ve realised I do neglect my husband and don’t really give him much of my time x

Maybe if he did more of that stuff you’d have more time for cuddles.

BertieBotts · 30/03/2021 12:56

Being married is awesome if you're with the right person! We aren't constantly affectionate. I'd probably find that stifling if I was expected to do it too.

elliejjtiny · 30/03/2021 12:58

I love being married. I've been with dh for pretty much all my adult life though so I've never been really independent.

Original poster

FruitLoopzz · 30/03/2021 13:02

@MiddleParking - he works too, he is very hands on with the little one, I do the cooking mainly, he does house chores like bins, dishes, laundry. I was just saying that in my head I’m thinking I’m a great wife because I’m doing all that too. However, I’ve come to realise that being a wife is more than that. I’m not great at catering to his needs or showing love x

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category12 · 30/03/2021 13:07

@MiddleParking

In my head I’m thinking I’m a great wife because I clean the house, keep everyone fed and clean, work and look after the kids. I’ve realised I do neglect my husband and don’t really give him much of my time x

Maybe if he did more of that stuff you’d have more time for cuddles.

This ^

It sounds a bit like your situation is that you do the lion's share of housework, childcare and work on top of that, while husband does little while complaining he's not getting enough affection (he means sex) and that you're irritable with him over "petty" things (that actually add to your workload).

Is that the case?

category12 · 30/03/2021 13:08

Cross-posted

Faith50 · 30/03/2021 13:10

Nope - absolutely miserable due to h's infidelities and trying to make marriage work. I have nothing left to give and want out. Have no savings, inheritance, very little equity in our small house. I would be leaving for a life of poverty. I read the money matters forum and spiral into depression that many women are financially comfortable in their own right.

I was never academic and scraped through education. Professional jobs were and are way out of my league because these are for straight A students - I was more of a C and below student. I have worked hard to reach management level but I will never be a high earner.

I feel like an utter failure. (Rant over)

Original poster

FruitLoopzz · 30/03/2021 13:11

@category12 - no not at all. He pulls his weight at home and helps a lot. I’m just lacking those things called feelings because I’m so exhausted all the time. I would rather slouch on the sofa and have a cuppa and scroll mumsnet than anything else! I’m also expecting which is why I’m more tired than normal x

OP posts:

Original poster

FruitLoopzz · 30/03/2021 13:12

@Faith50 - aw that’s horrible, so H cheated and you stayed with him? I know people who are in similar situations where they stay for kids etc. It must be really hard x

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VienneseWhirligig · 30/03/2021 13:19

I loved being married. I think it helped that DH had been a single parent for 10 years when I met him, so he was used to shifting for himself and doing the cooking, cleaning, laundry, school stuff - he had 100% residency. I didn't fall out with him over stuff I see on here all the time, with men who don't pull their weight or expect the wife to do admin stuff, because we just did it between us whatever needed doing, by whoever was free at the time. It allowed us to concentrate more on the less mundane aspects.

I knew he wouldn't cheat (he had been cheated on and was vociferously anti-adultery) and we were a true team. I fancied him like mad, we parented well together but we were sufficiently different in experiences to each bring out something different in the other.

I don't think however anything changed after our wedding in a practical sense. It felt lovely to be married and have committed legally to one another, but things were the same. It was more symbolic. I out-earned him for the last 10 years of our marriage and it was never a source of conflict. He was always supportive when I needed to travel for work. I miss him!

MrsTophamHat · 30/03/2021 13:20

I like it because DH and I have a similar need for alone time, and so recognise that the other's need to spend time in different parts of the house doing our own thing isn't about our feelings towards our spouse.

Had I married someone who needed to do things together all the time, I would find it stifling.

We also have similar standards of tidiness which I know is a common flashpoint between couples.

reprehensibleme · 30/03/2021 13:26

There is no-one I'd rather spend time with than DH. We're not joined at the hip, and both have our own interests, but I look forward to his key in the door when he gets home from work in the evening.

He's great at housework (much better than me ) and does it without any fuss. We have a similar sense of humour and similar tastes in music/film/art etc so always lots to talk about. Neither of us are particularly 'cuddly' people. DH has no strong feelings about the way the house/garden looks so I can have the house the way I like it (calm, peaceful, uncluttered).

I also think it helps that we are childfree...... so none of the added pressures associated with raising children.

FeistySheep · 30/03/2021 13:29

I don't think there's a right or wrong with how touchy feely you are, and whether you want to be glued together or pretty independent. Different strokes for different folks. But you do need to be more or less on the same page, so if you feel you aren't, maybe work out a compromise position and both work towards it. It sounds like you have recognised that there is a difference between your approaches, so am sure you can both find a common ground here.

Communication is everything. I do think marriage is harder work than being single, because you don't need to communicate with yourself to make decisions do you. But the rewards of a good marriage are infinitely worth the harder work.

category12 · 30/03/2021 13:29

Oh it's perfectly normal to be knackered and not feel touchy feely if you're up the duff into the bargain. Give yourself a break!