Who enjoys marriage?

[FruitLoopzz]

I’m quite an independent person. I’ve always worked better on my own so naturally a marriage is hard work for me.

I wondered who generally enjoys marriage? Also, any tips on how to make every day easier?

Pick your battles - this is a big one.
Adjust to OH way of doing things - trying.
Be more loving - I can be quite detached.

Thanks 😊

Fruitloopz
It is awful. I am in zombie mode most days. I too was unfaithful 1.5 years post discovery and felt no remorse. I hate myself and am only living for my dc.

It is refreshing to see there are women in happy marriages.

It really is lovely to see women in happy marriages. It makes me yearn for this.

I did it 2x.

I'm just not cut out for marriage.

@MiddleParking

In my head I’m thinking I’m a great wife because I clean the house, keep everyone fed and clean, work and look after the kids. I’ve realised I do neglect my husband and don’t really give him much of my time x

Maybe if he did more of that stuff you’d have more time for cuddles.

Can see how you could come to that conclusion but I don’t think it’s that simple. I am like that too in terms of keeping the house in order etc because in my head I’m thinking that my husband will appreciate it (and not in a 1950’s housewife way just because that’s how I show love) in reality he couldn’t really care less and would rather I stopped and cuddled him but that’s just not something that comes naturally to me. Over time I have realised that he needs this to feel loved so I do do it but honestly it’s for him not me. He also does do his jobs around the house which I appreciate and I know he does them because it makes me happy so yes it is a two way street.

I love being married to my current DH. My ex was a horrible, abusive man and being with him was utterly miserable.
We are both autistic so communication is a big thing for us. It hasn’t always been easy but we have worked really hard to improve communication over the years and mostly we do pretty well now. Reading people doesn’t come naturally to either of us and we both struggle to say what we mean. However, we have realised that due to our disability it is even more important for us to be very direct and open in what we need/ think etc.
But in other ways our autism means we get each other in a way other people can’t. We both need quite a lot of time to ourselves and that’s never a problem because we both understand how essential this is and how it can lead to burnout/ sensory overload if we don’t get it.
We both sleep in separate rooms cos neither of us can bear to sleep with someone else in the room, plus he snores terribly. Again, because we both have the same views then this works for us, but perhaps someone else might feel rejected by this.
Things aren’t perfect, I am more physically affectionate than him and he can get quite grumpy at times, but I know that means he needs some quiet time. I think all couples get on each other’s nerves occasionally. But these are small things. We have such a deep connection, he is my soul mate. We can spend hours just chatting and laughing about the silliest of things and we are in tune with each other’s needs in a way that neither of us are with anyone else. We just seem to get each other

I don't...but then I married the wrong man (23 years)
I can't imagine what it's like to be married/live with someone who you enjoy spending time with/makes you laugh/have feelings for.

I feel none of these.

@peachescariad Exactly this. Marriage must be wonderful if you're married to your best friend / lover / soulmate. None of this applies to me and I'm so lonely.

I have been married for only a year but we have been together 24 years. Most days I love it! We are both not very affectionate naturally but we did put in a rule about 10 years ago to show affection/love 3 times a day - could be just a hug - we don’t stick to it religiously now but it did free us up to enjoy the good bits of each other, even when the bad bits are really driving you mad ...

It’s wonderful. He’s my favourite company, being with him makes everything easier and better. Second marriage for both of us and certainly unrecognisable for me compared with my first one. I never had a moment of doubt with him and it gets better every year.

I disagree that you can’t tell how good your marriage is before children. DH had two already so I saw him in action and knew he’d be a good dad to a shared child. But we were together for quite a few years before we had her and he’s been as i expected or better as a Dad again.

I know statistics say some men become abusive during pregnancy or after a baby is born but my entirely anecdotal experience from people I know is that the lazy, selfish, useless, chores-shy dads were the same as boyfriends or husbands but the women put up with it until a baby took all of their energy and they realised it wasn’t fair.

I felt the same, it didn't help that our marriage just increased and magnified our problems. I also didn't find him attractive any more(he put on a lot of weight about 15 stone) and I think I fell out of love in the end. I am envious of those who have a great relationship with their partner, I really miss that and would love to have that again.

It’s been nice reading all the different responses and views on marriage. It’s safe to say there’s no black and white with marriage. I’m happy for all the people it comes naturally for and who don’t have to put in much effort x

It’s been sad reading about those who are stuck in their marriage though, I honestly hope you find happiness and strength somehow x

@Nellie850 - you remind me of me so much!

DH and I have been together since we were 21. He’s not the easiest person to live with sometimes- he’s a workaholic and also on the spectrum. He’s also brilliant at what he does. But he’s a good man, he’s kind, he lives his feminist beliefs every day and is a superb father.
So he needs his space and can be really prickly sometimes. I also need my space but I am a more gregarious person. Over time we have adjusted. He’s okay with the odd bit of socialising, I have a bigger circle of friends than he does, and he is very much an equal partner and parent. Has all this come easy? No. But we knew at 21 we wanted to be married and given a choice we would both do it again.

We've been together 12 + years then got married last October and I have to say its even better than before. He is my favourite company and goes out of his way to make everything a little brighter, easier and happier for me. I hope I do the same for him too. We do loads of things together but (in normal times) we will follow our own pursuits too though we are always happy to come back together again

Are you sure the effort you feel it takes it down to your personality and not your husband?

I’m not insulting your husband but I don’t feel being married to my current DH is any effort at all, I don’t think marriage has to be hard work or a struggle and we’ve had plenty of horrible times with things outside our control - redundancy, bereavements, serious illness, family estrangement, multiple miscarriages, traumatic birth, money worries. I feel like the stress of all of that is halved by us being together and a team.

When I was with my ex there were plenty of good times but it did feel like work, increasingly towards the end, and his epic rage issues and outbursts were exhausting and we were pulling in opposite directions. When I got made redundant his response was “oh god, that’s the last thing I need right now, I’m going for a lie down”. I didn’t feel like he was by my side, willing things to be okay, reassuring me or commiserating. When things went wrong I worried about the thing but twice as much about how to manage his reaction to it. He made my shitty redundancy news his problem and then I had to deal with it while trying to make him feel better. It was like pushing water up hill. And I didn’t know many people in happy marriages I’d have wanted so I struggled on assuming not everyone was as miserable but that many were.

Despite the shit show that all turned into I didn’t doubt for a second that I’d marry DH when we first talked about it. A leap of faith I suppose but, so far, I was right to trust that a marriage to a different person would be a different marriage. I’m not intrinsically suited to marriage, I don’t know that anyone is really, but I’m grateful I’ve seen how different it can be if you marry someone who wants what you want and makes the good days better and the bad ones easier.

I love being married. DH is my best friend and I am his.

We have been married for 40 years and are still very much in love. We share a lot of interests - cinema, museums, art galleries, National Trust places, foreign language films and tv, cooking and quite a few more things.

DH has been home much more since the very first lockdown and it has honestly been great having more time together.

Of course we sometimes argue but the arguments never last long as we always end up looking at each other and laughing.

I honestly do not understand people that talk about having to work at a marriage. We have never had to work at it as we have always got on so well.

I do think though one of the reasons we are so happy is that we chose not to have children

I think the fact that me and DH are both introverts helps to keep our marriage happy. We give one another space and there are never arguments about whether or not to attend social occasions as neither of us wants to go. I don't think I could be happily married to someone who wanted a lot of attention.

It’s taken me until my 50’s to realise that marriage isn’t for me.

I like my own company better than the company of others.

I’m not a huge fan of sex, getting bored after a few years with the same person.

I have been married twice and divorced twice.

No more for me.

Why are you doing all the cleaning and feeding?

I’ve found marriage hard. But we have two kids with Sen. Both have quite challenging issues. We get on okay but I’m aware I’ve made a lot of compromises. Although our broad values are similar the smaller things have turned out to cause big issues. Unfortunately with the knowledge I have now, I’d reconsider marrying him.

We don’t have children and don’t plan to so I am sure that that helps.

He works away a lot and we are very independent of each other. The first lockdown I don’t think we had spent so much time together for years and years and I was quite concerned it would be awful but it was so nice.

We do things like cook mildly elaborate dinners together and plan fun things to do and I buy him books as presents and we have tech free evenings where we play cards or chat.

I never wanted to be married til we got together and if he died tomorrow I wouldn’t do it again. We have separate finances, and quite separate lives really. It’s the best of both worlds. We are both very physically affectionate though.

Married 20 years. Cracks have begun to show. The first twenty years were good but I think my life has very much revolved around him and the children. Run into problems recently (I'm heading for late forties and knee deep in the perimenopause). My husband is a fair bit older than me. I don't know if I've changed and now having had dc that isn't a pressing need for me anymore and the notion of marriage seemed romantic when I was younger. I am pretty convinced that if I found myself alone I wouldn't re-marry. But I would like a fuller social life; more people in my life with shared interests.

Also, to say it wasn't hard work when everything was ticking over - at least it didn't. Feels very lonely now things aren't so good.

I absolutely love being married to my DH, and it's all down to what an absolutely wonderful man he is. I've never met a kinder, smarter, more patient and more supportive person in my whole life. We have a lot of fun together and we are so open and trusting of each other. Most importantly, he's honestly made me a better person. I could be quick to anger, stubborn, selfish etc and because of his patience and love, I am so much better.

I would definitely have struggled if I was married to any of my ex partners. I think it's all down to the person you're with. And I thank God everyday that I ended up married to this man.

Sorry for the cringe essay, I just thought I'd give you my two cents!