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Original poster

Would you pursue a serious relationship

98 replies

polishfoal · 29/03/2021 21:33

With a man who left his wife when their baby was six months ?
They were incompatible and had many problems financially . She is in an established relationship for years now and they are amicable .
He has been an active and attentive father, paying maintenance every week since his birth seeing him
Eow/ evenings and holidays .
He also has other children from a fwb situation many years before where he also maintains regular contact with his children and pays maintenance each week . Both in uni now .
Not sure why this doesn't sit right with me but I am a traditionalist . Is it me?

OP posts:
CovoidOfAllHumanity · 30/03/2021 10:17

What people are saying is that on a FWB casual situation you should take very good steps to avoid pregnancy given you know this is not a committed relationship. Risk of STDs is there as well as pregnancy. You should be using a condom.

OK an accident can happen
But twice is beggaring belief a bit

I mean if there was one accidental pregnancy then most people would either formalise the relationship or never sleep together again.

It's a very odd choice and I think must be hard to explain to your DC. Is he telling them that he was never in a relationship with their mother?? Cos I would find that hard to understand as a child or young person.

So either he has very poor judgment and doesn't think about or care about the people affected by his actions or he is lying and this was a relationship however casual.

If it was a long time ago he might have changed I guess but don't you think that a track record of walking away from your children isn't a great attribute? I think you do know that or you wouldn't have posted

Original poster
polishfoal · 30/03/2021 10:21

I am
Traditional and while I'm not narrow minded , it's all a bit too full of baggage

OP posts:
Amdone123 · 30/03/2021 10:28

What is he like, though ?
How does he treat you ?

Like a pp said, I wouldn't want to be judged by something I did 20 years ago. He sounds like a good father. Not only does he pay, but he has good relationships with them. That is, as they say, priceless.
He may not be perfect, who is ?

You also sound like you've got your head screwed on, so see where it takes you, I would say.

Original poster
polishfoal · 30/03/2021 10:28

I am enjoying it right now, especially within restrictions. We work our meetings around our time with our children.
I Won't be living with anyone else at least until my youngest flies the nest and after my marriage breakdown , I cannot see myself being anything but independent ever again.

OP posts:
Dervel · 30/03/2021 10:29

I mean you have no plans to marry him yourself, nor do either of you want anymore children. Just take steps to avoid any pregnancies and see where it goes. It’s not as if you are looking for a man to start a family with. If he’s been up front and honest with you, and has been an involved father that’s all to the good.

I’d echo being a bit baffled how he managed to have not one but two children from a fwb scenario, but that doesn’t sound like a problem that’s likely to apply to your relationship. Besides this all presumably happened nearly 20 odd years ago, maybe he’s done a lot of growing up since then.

GreenlandTheMovie · 30/03/2021 10:30

@polishfoal

I think I'm missing the point here regarding them having more than one child together and yet being a casual situation. Can someone explain? Thanks
Yes. He's telling you lies.

He walks out on women who have had his children.

Saying that you were in a FWB relationship with the mother of your 2 children is racial.

This was also so long ago that I doubt the term FWB even existed when he repeatedly got this, woman pregnant.

Don't take him at face value.

dontsaveusername · 30/03/2021 10:36

I'd run a mile. He clearly has commitment issues.

Original poster
polishfoal · 30/03/2021 10:36

He is kind and treats me with respect and as an equal . We are compatible in the important ways .
He has major regrets about his behaviours in the past . His older two children being conceived and born coincided with a traumatic family tragedy, one that he will probably never heal from . He doesn't regret his children of course but of the circumstances they were brought into and the timing .
He was depressed and suicidal towards the end of the marriage .
He has lived on his own for many years now... I definitely couldn't take that on .

OP posts:
Original poster
polishfoal · 30/03/2021 10:38

@GreenlandTheMovie . What is racial? I'm
Confused.

OP posts:
GreenlandTheMovie · 30/03/2021 10:57

[quote polishfoal]@GreenlandTheMovie . What is racial? I'm
Confused.[/quote]
OMG enormous typo. I am so sorry. It should read farcical.

Farcical. I don't believe what he is saying about this previous relationship.

Apologies for any offence caused by typo.

Original poster
polishfoal · 30/03/2021 11:09

That's ok . Thanks for clarifying.

OP posts:
Lovedove · 30/03/2021 11:44

No I wouldn’t - not when there are plenty of men out there without fwb babies and leaving babies at 6 months old.

Lovedove · 30/03/2021 11:46

Plus he’s spinning you lots of excuses about trauma causing him to have two babies with a fwb Hmm and seems like you’ll stick with him now anyway as defending him.

Original poster
polishfoal · 30/03/2021 11:50

Not true at all . I'm not defending him . I'm being factual. I like him but I'm not in love with him or making any long term plans with him .
He didn't leave his children btw , he left his wife and finished the relationship with his ex .

OP posts:
Lovedove · 30/03/2021 12:20

You know what I mean - irresponsibly having kids ( I mean I’m not sure who has two kids with a fwb) and then leaving when a baby is 6 months old. I mean these can’t have been the right relationships to bring kids into - did he not realise that? Obviously it’s better to have a father who is present and with the mother and not one who has left the relationship and sees them once a week or whatever.

category12 · 30/03/2021 12:55

I just feel like, if you're in a casual fwb relationship with someone, you use barrier methods - condoms. It's a bit grim not to. And if you're a man, it's to take responsibility for your own reproductive choices.

What's he like about contraception with you? Does he take responsibility for himself?

It's just irresponsible to have two children with someone you're not serious about.

Original poster
polishfoal · 30/03/2021 12:58

He's had a vasectomy

OP posts:
category12 · 30/03/2021 13:09

About time Grin

ScarfaceCwaw · 30/03/2021 13:17

He had TWO KIDS with an alleged FWB?!

That would bother me more than the leaving his ex-wife when the baby was 6mo. Either he's a fucking idiot or a complete dickhead. Either way, hard pass.

GreenlandTheMovie · 30/03/2021 14:00

@polishfoal

He's had a vasectomy
These men always say that.

I'd ask to see proof. And a clean STD test.

Original poster
polishfoal · 30/03/2021 14:10

Who ate ' these men' ?
That's a very sweeping statement .

OP posts:
Original poster
polishfoal · 30/03/2021 14:11

Are

OP posts:
jessstan2 · 30/03/2021 14:15

No.

Maybe one if he had fathered the baby when he was a teenager and is now a responsible grown man and pays maintenance.

However, generally not, especially as he has two other children.

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