Would you pursue a serious relationship

[polishfoal]

With a man who left his wife when their baby was six months ?
They were incompatible and had many problems financially . She is in an established relationship for years now and they are amicable .
He has been an active and attentive father, paying maintenance every week since his birth seeing him
Eow/ evenings and holidays .
He also has other children from a fwb situation many years before where he also maintains regular contact with his children and pays maintenance each week . Both in uni now .
Not sure why this doesn't sit right with me but I am a traditionalist . Is it me?

The lady he had an fwb relationship with had gone on to have four other children with four different men and is in and out of court regarding finances . He got a court ordered access/ finance situation set up so he has no contact with her . Monies are being paid and his children and him organise their own meet ups now as they are older .

[quote Itlod1982]@ComtesseDeSpair I had a 10 year relationship (7 years married) and left my exH when my DD was a baby.
I found out he had been having an affair for over a year, starting when I was pregnant, so it's a bit harsh to judge everyone who leaves a relationship when there's a baby involved for not hanging around or sticking it out! [/quote]
That isn’t the case here though, is it? OP says he left because he felt they were incompatible and because they had financial problems. I don’t think somebody who goes ahead and has a baby with somebody they don’t feel compatible with, amidst financial problems, and then decides to leave very soon after, is a good bet for a relationship. Others can feel free to differ, but I wouldn’t be hitching my wagon to this particular star.

@Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin I agree!
Plus the fact they're still friends suggests it's either ended mutually or if not, at least respectfully and he's still hands on with his DC.

Funny how everyone assumes the man walked out on the wife and abandoned her with the baby! We've got no idea of the circumstances or who left who.

There are countless other posts on here talking about how it's better for a couple to separate than to raise a baby in an unhappy relationship.

Also, everyone's jumping on the fact he had 2 DCs with his FWB but clearly the FWB was equally responsible for what happened but again it's all the mans fault.

It was 20'years ago and even though he was young and daft at the time he's done the right thing.

Id hate to be judged by people i was dating now for things I did 20 years ago.....

That's a goo point I guess

[quote Itlod1982]@Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin I agree!
Plus the fact they're still friends suggests it's either ended mutually or if not, at least respectfully and he's still hands on with his DC.

Funny how everyone assumes the man walked out on the wife and abandoned her with the baby! We've got no idea of the circumstances or who left who.

There are countless other posts on here talking about how it's better for a couple to separate than to raise a baby in an unhappy relationship.

Also, everyone's jumping on the fact he had 2 DCs with his FWB but clearly the FWB was equally responsible for what happened but again it's all the mans fault.

It was 20'years ago and even though he was young and daft at the time he's done the right thing.

Id hate to be judged by people i was dating now for things I did 20 years ago.....
[/quote]
What a silly post. No one is jumping to conclusions. The OP specifically says he left his wife when their baby was six months. And of course the female half of the FWB set-up is also responsible, but the OP isn’t contemplating a relationship with her — she’s asking about the behaviour of the man, a potential boyfriend. Who isn’t claiming two successive contraception failures with his FWB.

OP, not a chance. He sounds careless about sexual health, guns-ho about conceiving children and walking out on them when the going gets tough.

It’s your call op. Has he had an std check?

Yes I insisted on it when we got together

The fwb stuff from 20 plus years ago seems really irrelevant. He's an involved father by the sounds of it? So perhaps he made some poor choices in his twenties.

If you like him, what's wrong with giving it a go? If it all bothers you too much, then don't.

You don't have two kids just from fwb 😂😂

And you think now it's going to be third time lucky?

Well that's an expensive habit he's got.
I would run for the hills, he doesn't do commitment.

Maybe fwb is not the right term but he did have two children with a lady that he was sleeping with regularly but not in a relationship with .
I don't think this is third time lucky . I am not invested so far and I have my own children to consider so want to be sure of him as much as I can be, either way .
He has hinted that he would like to commit / marry again one day .
I won't be marrying again .

I would possibly have a light time killing relationship...but he sounds like a very selfish person..with a historyof poor decisions that he has run away from.......how much of the actual hard grunt of the parenting has he done?? Just chucking cash ..paying cms is easy rather than putting in the hours, organising your life round dc etc..
Just because he has a relationship with his children doesn't make him a good father/person....
I would have low expectations of support when things get tough and wary of the level of selfishness...

So a fwb yes.. more than that ...maybe if I was completely independent ..and very clear about what I would expect

He shared care 50/50 with his two older children until teenage years and once things settled after the marriage break up , he spent as much time as he was allowed when he wasn't working .

I wouldn't consider a relationship with someone who was happy to have children with someone he didn't love but he knew was obsessed with him. Sounds, creepy tbh.

Its your call though. We all have different boundaries. I wouldn't marry him, or join finances. I hope you are using contraception.

At no point did I say she was obsessed with him.
She wanted a relationship , he didn't love her.
Creepy? He may be a lot of things but he is not creepy .

But she was suitable for him to impregnate? Sounds creepy.

@polishfoal

At no point did I say she was obsessed with him. She wanted a relationship , he didn't love her. Creepy? He may be a lot of things but he is not creepy .

It's not just 'creepy' but pretty disgusting behaviour to continue having sex with someone who has developed feelings for you, but with whom you don't want a relationship, let alone to conceive two children with her!

Or are you saying that both these children resulted from two successive contraception failures?

Ugh, no. He sounds like one if those serial con artists who gets different women pregnant and looking after his kids and has the next one lined up before he moves on.

The 2 children with a FWB is unbelievable. Thats a long term serious relationship, not a FWB, and he probably played around. Leaving the mother of his 6 month old baby is equally grim.

Has he asked you for money yet? Moved into your home?

More than one DC from the FWB partner? That doesn’t sound likely though, does it?

@polishfoal

Yes a lady he had a fwb situation with friends for a few years . They were never in a relationship .

But they had MORE than one child together?

All I know is that they slept together when they met out socially , so maybe every few months .
He hasn't asked me
For money and we are only seeing each other . I won't be marrying again and he or any other Man won't be living with me until my children leave home( in approx ten years) and that's if I'm 100% sure as I can be.

I think I'm missing the point here regarding them having more than one child together and yet being a casual situation. Can someone explain? Thanks

Depends what you want from the guy. What can definitely be said is that his track record suggests he does not stay in relationships with women who have had his children.

He does have contact and pay for the children which is a step up from many but he definitely has a track record of not sticking around. I suspect he doesn't like it when things get a bit tough after having a baby and he isn't centre of attention.

I also think describing a situation in which you fathered 2 children as 'not a relationship' or fwb is stretching the definition and suggests extreme commitment phobia.

So if you like him I'd have a relationship with him but not expect a commitment and under no circumstances would I have a child with him and I'd make sure I was responsible for contraception.
(Also he seems to have plenty enough children already)

I can't work out how anybody could be stupid enough to have not one but two children with a fwb.